Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job,... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 10:52 - United States

Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML

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Messed up

Trust

Race against the clock

By frankie034 - 6/5/2009 07:40 - Australia

Today, I was ordering some clothes from Abercrombie online and I went to measure my bust to check what size I am in American. I got my measurement, checked what size it would be and the size of my bust was not even listed on the website. Great. Now even Abercrombie thinks I have small tits. FML

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By badidea - 23/12/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2013 14:22 - United States - Big Lake

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

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By ohIlike - 15/9/2009 12:10 - Australia

Today, after thirteen years of engagement, my fiancé and I split. As is, with the day, we changed our facebook relationships to make it official. I logged back on tonight to find his mother, the woman I've spent the last year looking after and having a good time, 'liking' the break up. FML

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By oprahahaha - 2/3/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my sister had set up. When I arrived at the coffeeshop, I approached a man waiting by the counter, asking if his name was Tim (my date's name). He looked at me and said no and then left with a drink clearly labeled "Tim" in bold letters. FML

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By jtaylor94 - 21/7/2009 21:54 - Canada

Today, my dad's boss called our house and I answered. He said "is your dad home?" I replied "I'll go check." I put the phone on mute and asked my dad if he wanted to talk to his boss. My dad says "Does that asshole not have a life?" Turns out the phone wasn't on mute, it was on speaker. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2015 21:07 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML

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By driverboy - 31/12/2015 08:08 - United States

Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML

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By lonely girl - 11/3/2013 04:17 - United States

Today, I went with my dad to Starbucks. There is this really cute guy who works there and he kept looking over at me, so I went over to say hi. He ended up asking if my dad was single. FML

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By Burst a Valve - 26/2/2017 18:00 - Australia

#humblebrag

Today, I learned there is such a thing as "too much sex". After a full week of having sex at least twice a day with my girlfriend, I had to go to the GP due to a painful erection and swelling. The constant sex had caused me to burst a blood vessel in my penis. FML

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By fenris - 30/8/2016 17:36 - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, whilst at work, I was serving a customer when her kid runs up to me and throws up. It was a 10-hour shift, I was one hour in. FML

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By - 13/12/2018 03:00

Today I got back to my hotel at the same time as my supervisor and realized we had rooms right next to each other. I thought it was funny and said bye to him...only to remember that I had slept with HIS boss last night. We were not quiet. FML

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By cjhgvb - 6/11/2014 00:48 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML

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By spinster - 16/9/2015 02:10 - United States - Lubbock

Today, as I was creeping on social media, I realized that literally everyone I've ever dated is either happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. My last date was at the beginning of the summer. FML

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By CassafrasSss - 2/2/2017 07:00 - United States - Naperville

Today, after months of hard work, planning, and preparation, I held the reception for my first art show at a gallery. Nobody showed up. FML

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By Brodam - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Priorities

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

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By sofakingweetodit - 18/10/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I was shopping for pillows at Bed Bath and Beyond. My husband playfully picked up a pillow pretending to start a pillow fight. I grabbed the largest pillow and chased him with it. When I finally caught up with him, a manager came around the corner. I was escorted out. FML

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By thatcreepyteacher - 17/2/2016 04:27 - United States - Mchenry

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

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By seriously - 17/12/2014 13:33 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML

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By BbyDelight - 27/4/2009 03:39 - Canada

Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

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By cantwin - 31/5/2013 13:54 - Belgium - Zwevegem

Today, I visited my grandma. Shortly after I arrived, she freaked out after finding a "snake" in her closet. It was a rubber snake that my brother must have put there yesterday as a prank. I picked it up and told her it was fake. She then yelled at me for playing such a disgusting prank on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2014 18:49 - United States

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

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By oww - 5/9/2015 01:25 - United States - Tekonsha

Today, I came to work with a huge hangover after a night out. I work as a marching band director, and guess who I had to conduct a sectional with? That's right, percussion. My head still hasn't stopped throbbing. FML

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By Dog Person Now - 31/5/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to find that my sweet kitten had gotten out and dragged a bird inside, where he ripped it to shreds. I found the bird's head in my underwear drawer. FML

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By lonleystoner91 - 3/9/2010 08:30 - France

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months decided to wrestle with my younger brother. He has gotten more action than I have. FML

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By Noname - 8/3/2009 07:11 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway in the back seat of my friends car. I looked over to the left and was greeted by a van full of adolescent boys waving and making the "call me" hand gesture. I then happened to looked down and realized that my right boob was completely out of my top. FML

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By gtfb1993 - 2/12/2011 22:21 - Canada

Today, I was at the laundromat, when an attractive girl set up at the machine next to mine. She looked me up and down, then noticed the skid-marks on my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 17:00

Nutters Inc.

Today, I bumped into a lady, apologised and tried to continue on. She screamed assault and tried to citizen's arrest me. I've got better things to do, so I ignored her but she latched onto my leg like a toddler. I ended up dragging this insane woman up the street until she finally let go. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

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By Wellokthen - 17/2/2017 22:00 - United States

So Sensual...

Today, things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and I. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered "God help me for what I'm about to do." Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly. FML

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By Miss_Whipped - 14/10/2016 06:04 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I just received the king-sized bed I'd ordered. My boyfriend moved out two days ago when we broke up. FML

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By Lucky - 21/6/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a cruise line I had travelled on with my parents a year ago. After being told I had won a free $2,000 cruise from a sweepstakes I had entered while on the cruise. After celebrating loudly they informed me that you have to be 23 or older to collect it. I'm 17. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2014 09:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter admitted to me that the only reason she's nice to me is because I give her money. She's six. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 22:00 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, a man wearing a Santa hat stumbled out of a bar, staggered over to my car, and vomited through the open window into my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2018 19:00

Today, while covering lunch for the self-checkout host, I noticed a customer walking away. I smiled and said "Have a nice night!" A few minutes later, I saw that she'd left without paying on her machine. I'd smiled and waved at a lady as she stole from me. FML

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By Pimpleeater - 20/12/2011 07:45 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

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By anonymous - 10/11/2016 14:29 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 12:00 - Australia - Cairns

Wrong place, right time

Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

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By LonelyOtter - 11/12/2018 14:00

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

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Top comments

By Sir_ND_Pity | 35

#5503788 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:02

I think you might still get the job if you wear your birthday suit right ;-) but, seriously, I apologize for my kind. We can't help it; we love tug-of-war. FYL, OP!

By perdix | 29

#5503801 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:06

Show up naked!

There's a position that just opened up from some tight-ass who determined that flirty fun in the office was "sexual harassment." You'll get the job if you show them you are willing to "play ball."

COMMENTS

By Sir_ND_Pity | 35

#5503788 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:02

I think you might still get the job if you wear your birthday suit right ;-) but, seriously, I apologize for my kind. We can't help it; we love tug-of-war. FYL, OP!

Reply

SirTalkaton | 22

#5503793 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:03

That depends on how good looking or well endowed OP is.

Reply

fareith | 15

#5504344 - Friday 24 May 2013 4:19

#2 - Thank youuu, Cap'n Obvious.

By SirTalkaton | 22

#5503797 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:04

Good luck OP! Remember, YOU make the clothes, the CLOTHES don't make you! Own any outfit you've got!

Reply

HOTSHOT99999 | 2

#5504150 - Friday 24 May 2013 0:48

Dont hate, appreciate!

By perdix | 29

#5503801 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:06

Show up naked!

There's a position that just opened up from some tight-ass who determined that flirty fun in the office was "sexual harassment." You'll get the job if you show them you are willing to "play ball."

Reply

Sir_ND_Pity | 35

#5503810 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:09

4 - There definitely is a position for a naked person and, depending on the boss's predilections, a tight ass might not be a con, if you know what I mean ;-)

Reply

mackdeezy | 21

#5503861 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:30

#4 more like "play with balls"

Reply

Weika | 5

#5503999 - Thursday 23 May 2013 20:55

That's the joke.

By Ambient25 | 24

#5503802 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:06

Just pick up the phone in front of the dog and call a Chinese buffet, telling them you have a "you know what" for their menu. That should scare your dog.

By GunSh0w | 4

#5503813 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:10

It's time for a new dream job if you couldn't get it after 3

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5503841 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:20

Actually, some companies have multiple interviews of candidates they're serious about hiring and who may be qualified for more than one position. OP should simply go with her next best clothing option. As someone else said, the person makes the outfit, not the otherway round.

By Horsempeg | 25

#5503816 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:11

That sucks OP! My dog does the same. They have to be trained better! Hopefully you had something even better to wear then what you picked out :)

By Jharrist89 | 12

#5503827 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:14

I doubt your suit would've made a lasting impression. You were obviously competing for your dream job.

By PulseShock | 9

#5503828 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:15

Atleast it wasn't chocolate and the dog died. You should know your dog by now and should leave clothes or anything he could "eat" away from him. Sorry but YDI

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MrClean17 | 15

#5503928 - Thursday 23 May 2013 20:07

Sometimes dogs randomly misbehave. We had a dog who was good for five years then suddenly started shitting in the house everyday for no reason.

I don't get why it's a FML though. It sucks losing the clothes but il sure there's another outfit OP can wear to the interview.

By zevo1415 | 10

#5503840 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:20

Well if it was one of those velvet hangers, you could wear that. Those are fancy

By olpally | 32

#5503843 - Thursday 23 May 2013 19:21

That's ruff. Damn you scooby doo! Stop meddling in other people's business!