Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities...

By Anonymous - 22/12/2014 07:53 - United States - Mooresville

Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities that take place in our store parking lot after dark, I'm handed an orange vest and told to go out there to retrieve carts. FML

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Work

Family values

Fear factor

Vultures

By people will think I'm Shelley Duvall - 8/6/2017 20:00

Today, my son's yearbook came. I was pretty happy, because I also ordered a larger version of his photo because he's going to California for college and I wanted a special picture of him to keep. Unfortunately, my happiness disappeared when I saw that he was wearing a horse mask in the photo. FML

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By thanksad - 23/8/2013 01:38 - United States - Cerritos

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2013 17:42 - Pakistan

Today, I'm 5 months pregnant. My 20-year-old boyfriend still refuses to tell his parents because he thinks he'll get in trouble. He thinks we can get away with "never telling them and just hiding the kid." FML

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By Nick - 3/12/2012 04:03 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I came home from the hospital diagnosed with high blood pressure. It's caused by stress. My wife had a very long talk with my son about it. All the kid has been doing for the past 2 hours is scream at his Playstation. I'd rather be at the hospital. FML

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By Cheyenne - 11/7/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, I found out I'm the only one in my family to wash their hands after they use the bathroom. FML

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By UglyFace - 30/11/2013 22:46 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my apartment because I'm moving. I was being really thorough so I could get as much of the damage deposit back as possible. I noticed I still had one of those 3M plastic hooks on the wall, and when I went to carefully take it off, a large chunk of the wall came with it. FML

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By jauregz - 25/5/2017 00:00 - Australia - Lalor

Today, my neighbours had an extremely loud party, which began at midnight and didn't end until 6. I know this because I had a 15 minute sleep, seeing as I had to wake up at quarter past. FML

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By knepmj - 16/3/2016 09:44 - United States

Today, I got locked inside my apartment due to the locking mechanism being stuck, so I had to call off work. They refused to believe me, and insisted that I be in on time or else there would be disciplinary actions taken. Maintenance wasn't available till 3 hours into my shift. FML

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By Stalked - 29/4/2016 08:49 - Czech Republic - Brno

Today, I found a love letter in my mail. It was from a girl I met at a bar few weeks ago. I never gave her my address or last name. I guess I have a stalker now. FML

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By Webmonkey - 8/1/2009 13:30 - United States

Today, I turned around in my cubicle to see the entire marketing department (myself excluded) getting ready to have lunch together. Nobody mentioned it to me. FML

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By Nico - 16/2/2013 01:37 - France - Asni?res

Today, the company I was fired from three years ago merged with the company I work at now. The new owners' first order of business was to fire me again. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 17:48 - United States - Portland

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

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By paulcorrea95 - 21/9/2019 06:07 - United States

Boozing on the job

Today, I was at work, cleaning up a construction site. I picked up a beer can and accidentally spilled some of it on me. My boss came in to check on me and thought I was drunk. Instead of getting a raise, I was fired. FML

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By belle_arina - 8/10/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML

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By SAM - 5/8/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, my dad gave me his old camera. I got home and eagerly turned it on to start using it. I was greeted by a photo of my father drunk, smiling, naked, and covered in peanut butter. FML

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By peace out - 5/3/2013 20:19 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I had to help my little sister do a first-grade project for school. For one part, they have to draw a picture of their role model. She drew a whale, and I asked, "A whale is your role model?" She laughed and said, "No! It's you!" FML

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By CodyS - 3/9/2013 05:03 - United States - Rocky River

Today, on my lunch break, I ran to the gas station, and threw some trash away on my way in. On my way out, I realized my keys were missing. Thinking I threw them away, and fearing that I'd be late returning to work, I tore through the disgusting trash only to find my keys on the seat of my car. FML

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By p-man - 27/8/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, my friend and I went boating. In the middle of the lake, we decided to jump in. We put our valuables in the boat and jumped in. When I tried to get back in the boat, it flipped over, and our cellphones, along with my car keys, are at the bottom of the lake. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 18:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML

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By Awkwardly_dumped - 21/8/2018 14:30

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. When we took a break and went downstairs, he checked the mail. He had received a letter from his ex-girlfriend, which he opened in front of me. He then began sobbing on my shoulder and broke up with me. He still had to drive me home. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2013 15:16 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML

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By asleepinclass - 16/3/2009 17:18 - Poland

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 20:00

Broken vibrator

Today, I received my package. I ordered a vibrator, I was so excited to use it, but when I was finally ready to use it, I found out that it broke during the delivery. FML

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By inlovewithstupid - 4/9/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bitched me out for being too controlling. Apparently, not only am I being unreasonable by not wanting him visiting strip clubs with his friends, I'm also just "looking for excuses to get mad" at him. FML

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By Username - 10/8/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, our AC broke. It's 98 degrees inside the house. My parents will be staying at a 5 star resort until the repairman can come to fix the unit in 6 days. They made me stay home to make sure the plants survive. FML

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By James - 18/12/2012 02:28 - United States

Today, my neighbor installed a large radio that loudly plays Christmas music 24/7. When I called in a complaint to the police department they told me to, "get in the Christmas spirit." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2016 05:52 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML

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By istillcannotbreathe - 17/8/2018 06:00

Genius.

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By MrZach - 21/11/2009 23:21 - United States

Today, I had a tooth pulled. An hour or so later, I removed the gauze from my mouth, because I thought the bleeding had stopped. I got on my laptop. A few minutes later I looked down, to see that I had drooled blood all over the keyboard, and didn't know because my mouth was numb. FML

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By lauren_rox - 8/11/2009 17:50 - Canada

Today, I was waiting at home for a phone call. While I was in the bathroom, the phone rang. I quickly stopped my business and ran out of the bathroom with my pants by my ankles. I leaped over the couch, tripping and then stubbing my toe while hopping to the phone. It was a telemarketer. FML

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By hospital - 5/10/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

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By Fattie - 9/7/2009 17:50 - Malaysia

Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 12:04

This ain't gonna end well

Today, my partner of 5 years and I sat down to talk because I expressed hope for a proposal in near future. He instead believed that we should wait, and talk about a potential future for us in another two years. FML

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By wtf bro?! - 7/5/2019 12:00

Today, I got a Facebook message from a guy from my old school. I didn’t remember him, but I replied anyway. When I checked my phone after work, I had 73 new messages that went from, “How have you been?” to, “Fuck you ugly cockteasing whore,” and ended with, “You better hope I don’t catch you!” FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2016 13:36 - Estonia - Tartu

Today, at the hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 10:03 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

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By jquaw - 28/9/2014 17:12 - Canada - Brockville

Today, I realized the sweet, sensitive girl I was talking to on a dating site was actually my brother trolling me for fun. FML

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Top comments

By Econforthwin | 15

#6151172 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:40

I would ditch the high visibility vest and go full ninja cart wrangler mode.

By countryb_cth | 38

#6151176 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:43

Have fun. Just remember you can do some serious damage with a cart :)

Comments

By dreadlocmask | 15

#6151169 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:40

Damn that sucks

By Econforthwin | 15

#6151172 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:40

I would ditch the high visibility vest and go full ninja cart wrangler mode.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6151173 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:42

Don't worry. Orange is the official color of The Parking Lot Crew so they'll think you're one of them and leave you alone.

quickit | 24

#6151209 - Monday 22 December 2014 18:09

I thought that orange was the new black.

By countryb_cth | 38

#6151176 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:43

Have fun. Just remember you can do some serious damage with a cart :)

Duckzy | 16

#6151333 - Monday 22 December 2014 19:31

Yeah like when trying to ride it and you end up falling on your face...

By twaal22 | 15

#6151178 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:44

Ninja mode status: activated

By wolfman0_o | 17

#6151180 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:45

Hahahaha dude that sucks

By feven | 32

#6151182 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:45

Try to blend in with the moon. There's really nothing else you can do

By CoGhostRider | 31

#6151183 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:46

Ah work place hazing, nothing like it

By davisjenny81 | 30

#6151184 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:46

Did you see any stock figures while you were out there? Hehe

CoGhostRider | 31

#6151197 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:54

davisjenny81 | 30

#6151376 - Monday 22 December 2014 20:01

It was sketchy out there, and stick figures are sketches, duh

chinaski7628 | 32

#6151433 - Monday 22 December 2014 20:55

Probably would've made more sense if you'd spelled 'stick' correctly in your first post....

YepThatsMeee | 23

#6151472 - Monday 22 December 2014 21:33

If stick figures are sticky, are stock figures stocky?

By Armygirl93 | 10

#6151186 - Monday 22 December 2014 17:47

Orange is the new black?

unicornluver3173 | 13

#6151762 - Tuesday 23 December 2014 4:24

-10 points from Griffindor