Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML
Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML
Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML
Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML
Today, I got to experience the unadulterated horror of waking up to a spider crawling across my face. My screaming woke the neighbors. FML
Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML
Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML
Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML
Today, I was laying in bed when my sister came running in, scared. I took my bat and went into the kitchen where the suspicious noise was coming from. It was a rat, right in the middle of the floor. I jumped on the counter and shrieked, just as my girlfriend walked in, who then actually dealt with it. FML
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Top comments
lex1459 38
Honestly, I don't see a better solution than the one your boyfriend found.
theKevmeister 13
You're lucky he didn't try to burn down the house...
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Comments (78)
Hadley2 3
Good god I hope you don't plan to have children with an idiot like that.
holdaloverclose 14
Sounds reasonable
middlenamefrank 8
I have to admit....not sure what I'd resort to if I found a tarantula in my living room. Yes, I'm a man, and yes, shoes, frying pans, lots of things are options, but you have to get CLOSE to the thing to use those options. I'd be looking for some sort of long-range missile type weapon too.
daemonsparta 16
that sounds like me only more barbaric screaming, cursing, and fire. also i would have fired the whole clip
nutella4life 14
why would u scream if theirs an intruder?
ReRage 13
I think this as a more than acceptable response. If it were me I'd probably firebomb the house.
kekguy 8
'Murica! **** yeah!
Hop6e 22
I think I would have taken the gun from him, emptied the remaining bullets and smacked him with it. My advice for future reference.
FrankHotpants 31
Come on now, we've been over the spider issue many times. You see a spider, you burn the house down/drive the car off a cliff into a fiery explosion, the end.
EPIKxPANDA 13
Must have been a huge spider.. It was probably trying to take the television lol