Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said "Dude,... - FML

By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML

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Rock, hard place

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Empathy hurts

By lip - 24/12/2008 08:40 - France

Today, I was jerking off in the train washroom when the ticket inspector knocked at the door. I was nearly done so I didn't open right away. I didn't think he would have the key…I found myself face to face with him and three other passengers. The worst being I didn't have a ticket. FML

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By SadOral - 3/7/2019 00:01

Today, my wife fell asleep. I was giving her head at the time. Her snoring gave it away. FML

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By itsjustwill - 17/1/2013 00:35 - United States - Puyallup

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2014 22:14 - United States - Bronx

Today, I visited my dad. He gave the, "You live under my roof, you follow my rules" lecture since I didn't do my "chores". I moved out 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 07:18 - United States

Today, I learned I have a severe sinus infection, my body really can't handle antibiotics, and I can projectile vomit out my nose. Not sure if I am more impressed that I still somehow aimed the puke into the sink, or that swallowing afterwards hurt more than emptying my stomach via my nose. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 09:30 - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I discovered that my husband is a tad paranoid after finding out that our cat has worms. He and I were in the middle of sharing a romantic shower following something of a dry spell when he bent over, spread his cheeks apart and asked, in earnest, "is there a worm sticking out of my ass?" FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 20:33 - Canada

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow's April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML

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By alicia75 - 26/3/2014 23:45 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 23:00

DINOSAURS!!

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

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By SupposedlyAverage - 27/12/2014 14:55 - United States

Today, my fiancé proposed to me. He said, "I could have picked anyone, but I chose you. You're a solid 2, which is average. Not a 10, but I'm glad you're a 2. Less pressure, ya know." I'm not sure if I should be more upset with the fact that I'm "average", or the fact that he thought this was romantic. FML

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By magicman - 4/7/2012 09:04 - United States

Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk, I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML

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By thatwasmiz - 8/4/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML

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By me - 2/3/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight over household expenses. He's never had a job in his life, but this didn't stop him demanding that I get another full-time job to pay for video games and beer. FML

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By shamefaced - 7/12/2012 03:11 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I dropped my handbag into a water-filled gutter. As I was hurriedly fishing out the contents of my bag, I looked up. There was my ex, with the girl he left me for walking past, timed exactly to coincide with me manically scooping up one of many rapidly absorbing tampons. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 11:43 - United States - Quakertown

Today, I finished a big art project. It was a self-portrait done in acrylics. Proud of my piece, I showed my mom. After some thought her first comment was, "well, I'm either going to insult your art or your face." FML

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By The_failure - 18/4/2019 20:00

Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML

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By not even getting any of her shrimp - 11/2/2014 21:50 - United States - Draper

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2009 00:31 - United States

Today, I decided to check my email on our family computer. Since my dad's account was already logged on, I chose to use his instead of logging on my own. When opening up a new page and seeing his recently viewed sites, I learned that he loves to watch porn. I also learned he has a foot fetish. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2013 19:58 - United States - Everett

Today, while I was shaving my nether regions, my trimmer slipped and ate a chunk out of my balls, right beside a vein. I've been bleeding on and off for an hour, and the New Skin I tried isn't able to dry quickly enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, I was driving with my mom. She had some soda with her from earlier, and even though it was probably warm, I was thirsty. I ask for a sip, she hands it to me and says sure. And I get a mouthful of ash-and-cigarette-butt-filled soda. Apparently she didn't feel the need to mention this to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2016 11:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, an attention seeking weirdo who thinks she's my friend asked me who was going to be the maid of honour at my wedding. Knowing what she was really asking, I said I just want a small, non-fancy wedding with no bridesmaids. She broke down into a sobbing mess in front of me. FML

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By MarMar - 15/3/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met and in the middle of it his mother called him. After stopping to answer the phone, he tried to put me on with her because she didn't believe anyone would actually sleep with him. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, everyone at work was demanding I stage a party at my house. I agreed to it and rushed home to tidy up before the guests arrived. No one showed up. FML

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By broke_broken - 11/10/2013 22:53 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, after paying back the money my grandma lent me to fix my car, I stepped outside, only to see my car leaking antifreeze all over the driveway. I had to ask for the money back to fix it again. FML

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By Florida Girl - 9/3/2019 12:00

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story of my dad’s senior prank, his mom said during her senior year, some asshole spray-painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

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By Noname - 31/12/2009 18:03 - France

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

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By figures - 16/11/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I got a card from the jewelry store thanking me for purchasing an engagement ring a year ago and wishing me and my fiancée a long and everlasting marriage. Too bad my fiancée took off with the pizza delivery boy 6 months ago. FML

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By - 31/12/2009 03:21 - France

Today, my first (and only true) date ended with the girl saying "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian". FML

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By ThePidgeon - 19/10/2009 18:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 19:25 - United States - Colonial Beach

Today, I was in a restroom, reading this site, when another gentleman walked in. He washed his hands, dried them, nodded at me, then left. It wouldn't ordinarily be so weird, except I was in a one-person restroom. FML

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By forever1990 - 28/1/2013 11:52 - United States - York

Today, I'm getting married. A few months ago, I allowed my mother in-law to take care of catering. She begged to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number and order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decided to order food I'm allergic to. FML

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By Eh.. - 5/12/2018 04:00 - Israel

Today I learned that just because the cute barista at the train station smiles at smiles, waves at me each time I arrive, and develops small talk probably means she's trying to sell me pastries. The smile she had when I asked for her number and she said "nah" still haunts me. FML

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By kelsey - 8/3/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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By poop hands - 20/12/2016 03:50 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, working as a CNA, my nurse convinced me that in order to collect a stool sample, you had to have the patient take a dump in your hand. I only found out he was kidding after I collected the sample. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 12:27 - United States - New York

Today, my drunk dad told me I'm smart enough that any guy could overlook the fact that I'm fat, but not smart enough that they could overlook how ugly I am. Gee, thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2009 13:05 - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

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By somewhatlucky - 27/12/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

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Top comments

By Poetic_catfish | 0

#795404 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:08

subtle

By null_fml | 11

#795435 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:20

Context is important, so don't jump to conclusions. Maybe he was texting a friend who doesn't like you, and lied about intending to break up with you to get said friend off his back. Maybe a friend stole his phone while he was passed out or something and tried to prank you with that text.

Not saying it's likely... just saying, don't jump in and do something you might regret.

COMMENTS

By fred1rav | 0

#795401 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:06

first

Reply

quelbaby | 0

#795402 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:08

aww that sucks.... -hug-

Reply

crazzle | 0

#795433 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:17

do you want a medal?

Reply

null_fml | 11

#795437 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:22

If he doesn't want a medal, can I have it? Just etch another "1" next to the "#1" for me?

Reply

f_alltheirlives | 3

#795440 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:30

#11win (Literally)

Reply

jennymxo | 0

#795552 - Sunday 24 January 2010 14:53

Why wouldd she want a medal

Reply

shaneac | 0

#795696 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:30

It's a medal for the first guy, for being first to comment

Reply

Clare420 | 0

#1025946 - Thursday 10 June 2010 5:19

that sucks :( FYL

Reply

KaylieBieber13 | 0

#3002798 - Saturday 30 July 2011 17:50

#11 WIN^ (legit)

By Poetic_catfish | 0

#795404 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:08

subtle

Reply

55isalive | 1

#795901 - Sunday 24 January 2010 18:17

I think he did it on purpose so u cud brace urself for when it happened or break up with him first so he wudnt have to do it or feel guilty about having done it

By Spandexhero | 0

#795409 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:10

Well you do now !!!

haha he probably wasn't worth the trouble but fyl anyway

By rberry_fml | 0

#795412 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:10

Aww sad :(

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#795415 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:11

ouch

Reply

Hexxe | 1

#795426 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:14

beat him to it and dump him first

Reply

null_fml | 11

#795430 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:16

Won't matter if he thought she already knew BEFORE the text.

Reply

HiddenAce91 | 6

#795931 - Sunday 24 January 2010 18:33

LIke #7 said Dump him before he dumps you.

Reply

chih | 0

#803997 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:39

you should dump his bitch ass...

By null_fml | 11

#795435 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:20

Context is important, so don't jump to conclusions. Maybe he was texting a friend who doesn't like you, and lied about intending to break up with you to get said friend off his back. Maybe a friend stole his phone while he was passed out or something and tried to prank you with that text.

Not saying it's likely... just saying, don't jump in and do something you might regret.

Reply

BritishHobo | 0

#795547 - Sunday 24 January 2010 14:46

Those two reasons two seem like grasping at straws, though.

You never know, it could always be... that your boyfriend is too much of a little bitch to break up with you to your face that he sent that text to you on purpose, so that you'd know the two of you were breaking up.
Or he's just really really stupid.

Reply

peacelovepugs | 7

#2949034 - Friday 22 July 2011 6:15

thanks, dr. Phil

Reply

TallMist | 32

#6305701 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:12

#20 How do you know he wasn't gonna break up with her face to face?

By happyhak | 5

#795460 - Sunday 24 January 2010 12:49

@ #10: Or her boyfriend might be breaking up with her? :/

By DynamicDave | 11

#795471 - Sunday 24 January 2010 13:13

#11 FTMFW! You're my hero!

By sarabear18 | 0

#795480 - Sunday 24 January 2010 13:21

awwww

By cazzieeee | 0

#795493 - Sunday 24 January 2010 13:39

I don't know you but *hugs* that totally stinks