Intimacy: Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep,... - FML

By whattheshit - United States

Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML

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Dangling modifier

Buzzing the tower

Recycling helps

By makeuuuuup - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way that my foundation shows up under a black light. At a black light party. No one told me until afterwards. Everyone took pictures. FML

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By kewlio45 - United States

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

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By Undercover - United States

Today, while working as a plain clothes police officer, I witnessed a fight in a front yard. My partner and I intervened and clearly identified ourselves as police. Unfortunately, the two guys' mother didn't have her hearing aid in, and hit my arm with a baseball bat. FML

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By Robert Herrin

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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By hrmpf - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country I just moved to. Guess I don't speak the language as well as I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

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By best_mom_ever - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

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By sexytime - United States

Today, my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 3 times. FML

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By blower - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML

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By ferrin10 - United States

Today, I was mowing lawns for my summer job. I noticed next to me a shiny new corvette being washed by the owner. I gave a friendly wave, just as I heard a big clank as the mower blade shot a rock into the side of the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hebron

Today, I went on my first date. Everything went great until I went to brush my date's hair over her ear like they do in the movies. I poked her dead in the eye. FML

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By Pavlov Dog

Today, I "woofed" at a man on a gay dating site before realizing he's my Psych professor. Now during every lecture I'll never forget his nipples are pierced. FML

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By STOP - Australia - West Hoxton

Today, it's five days until my wedding and I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister. They share clothes, have the same haircut, and they even take turns flirting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me. I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one. FML

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By Ava777 - United States

Today, while leaving school to skip fourth period, I hit someone's car in the parking lot. It was the teacher's whose class I was going to skip. FML

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By secretsant4

Today, at an 8 a.m. spin class, I knelt on the floor to set up my bike. The bike next to me was too close, and while the girl on it was pedaling to warm up, she pedaled down hard onto my heel, breaking my ankle. FML

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By andimanastudent - United States

Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door". I had forgotten about that option. FML

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By Elle - United States

Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML

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By naughtymommy0317 - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML

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By notworthy - New Zealand

Today, I found the Christmas 'newsletter' my mom sends out every year to our extended family and friends that details our activities and achievements of the past year. I wasn't mentioned once. FML

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By no more flips - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

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By dadum - Australia

Creeped out

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

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By petra84 - United States - Evans

Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML

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By MollyMoodle7 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend bought me Kings of Leon tickets for my birthday. Since he thought I was irresponsible, he gave the tickets to his mum so I wouldn't lose them. The show is today, and we can't find the tickets. FML

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By Daddo - United States - Elkhart

Call CPS!

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn't buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

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By Loser - Canada

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML

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By Anonymous

If only they hadn't learned to read…

Today, I was hosting my kid's birthday party. I had a bunch of small trinkets, so I grabbed the first container I could find to put them in. It wasn’t until I went out and someone yelled, "I’ll take a heavy flow!" that I realized it was an empty tampon box. FML

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By it's awkward - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, at Subway, the pretty girl serving made me so nervous that I forgot what cucumbers were called. FML

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By BAMashleyx3

Today, my dad texted me while I was in the dentist's chair getting my teeth cleaned. The dental hygienist jumped at the notification sound my phone made and split my gum open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

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By Susan - United States

Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back and hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML

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By for my brother in law - United States - Oxnard

Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML

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By gabxoxo03 - United States

Today, I snuck up on my girlfriend to give her a kiss. Only after I planted a big one did I realize it was not my girlfriend, or even a girl for that matter. FML

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By missalexa - United States

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

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By kaitlin - Australia

Today, I lost my virginity to an ultrasound probe. FML

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By socialbanana - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

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By boyishgirl - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

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By crudofalife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

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Top comments

By TotalPandamonium | 2

#689624 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:12

Waking up to any one having sex is nasty. It's even worse when it's your parents. Yeah, you know they must have sex, but knowing it and hearing it are two different things.

By besad_fml | 0

#689614 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:08

that's gross, just gross. I would be scarred for life. FYL

COMMENTS

By besad_fml | 0

#689614 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:08

that's gross, just gross. I would be scarred for life. FYL

Reply

i_love_you143 | 0

#691660 - Saturday 28 November 2009 0:53

hahahahaa my parents have sex like every night at like 10. worst of all my mom is looouuuud. its disturbing but i listen to my ipod and tune them out

Reply

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1145155 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 1:33

Ewwww nasty

By bmonehh | 0

#689618 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:10

First :o

Reply

asnider | 0

#689798 - Thursday 26 November 2009 22:10

FAIL.

Reply

Rawr100 | 0

#2157751 - Monday 7 March 2011 7:55

lol

Reply

XxCareBearXx | 1

#2947898 - Friday 22 July 2011 2:47

not really

Reply

someone_cool | 6

#5314970 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 22:13

Go over the numbers again.

By TotalPandamonium | 2

#689624 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:12

Waking up to any one having sex is nasty. It's even worse when it's your parents. Yeah, you know they must have sex, but knowing it and hearing it are two different things.

Reply

macironicheez | 7

#6281096 - Monday 4 May 2015 5:24

My mom and her boyfriend wake me up a lot. At 10:30 right as I close my eyes.

By glostik | 0

#689640 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:17

Nice to know... ^._.^

By caiyaguang | 0

#689662 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:27

Haha

By alex1432 | 9

#689674 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:34

hehe

Reply

Allison_H | 0

#986802 - Saturday 1 May 2010 0:25

hoho

Reply

JumpMafiaMatrix | 0

#1894829 - Monday 27 December 2010 7:04

lmfao

By magenkyo | 0

#689689 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:48

ooooh fyl now go kill yourself you are better off

By 2npac | 0

#689694 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:49

hot

By arielhoee | 9

#689697 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:51

hahahaha, that would be disgusting. o-o

By oldwiseguy | 0

#689732 - Thursday 26 November 2009 21:17

Grow up kiddies, would you rather they were arguing and getting a divorce! Be thankful they're still in a loving relationship. This is not a FML!

Reply

daisylokes | 16

#6308840 - Wednesday 3 June 2015 1:06

exactly my thoughts :)