Love: Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after... - FML

By ringmaster101 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

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Understandable

Dangling modifier

Dementia or hate? You decide

By KHAAAAA-RMA!! - United States

Today, I found a bird that had fallen from its nest, so I made a new nest for it in a shoebox and put it as close to the old one as possible. When I checked back on it later, all I found was a chewed-up corpse. FML

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By mike - United States

Today, I was over my grandparents' house for my grandfather's birthday. For years they would talk to each other in Italian and I could never understand them, so I started to take an online class to teach myself Italian. Now I know all they talk about is how much they hate everything about me. FML

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By Liz - United States - Salt Lake City

He Tried?

Today, I told my soon-to-be-ex that he never does anything for the kids, and hasn't contributed a dime. He showed up with a half a gallon of milk and a box of cereal. Not what I meant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Burger King, I had to go to the bathroom. Two ketchup packets were under the seat and exploded on my legs and pants when I sat down. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a music festival, watching one of my favorite bands. The security guys were throwing water into the crowd to cool us down. I saw some about to be thrown by another fan, so I stood with my mouth open to catch some of it. I ended up with a face full of hot piss. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my stepmother proved once again that she likes to play favourites. She has no job, so anything she gifts comes from my dad’s account. On my last birthday, I got £5 on a cheap card. Today, my step-brother's birthday, he got £400 and an iPad. He’s 4 years old. FML

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By Two wrecks one car - United States - New Braunfels

Today, a woman pulled out in front me and I couldn't avoid hitting her. When we pulled off on the side of the road to inspect the damage, she backed into me. My car is only a month old. FML

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By Heethersays - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By unwanted daughter - Canada - Oliver

Today, I overheard my mother talking to her friend, and using me as an example of how it's sometimes best to swallow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to choose between living with my over protective dad who only uses me for free childcare, or my pot smoking mom who always needs to borrow money. FML

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By jack - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

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By I think its dead - Canada - Brandon

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML

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By oink oink fuck off - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

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By Scared - United States - Pacific

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

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By Anonymous

Spider-man

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

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By DocDog

Today, my grandmother threatened to write me out of her will because I refused to believe that dogs can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

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By DV. - 27/2/2021 23:01 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Judge not lest ye be judged

Today, my girlfriend and I, who are both heavy set, went into the pharmacy and asked if they sold any over the counter antidiarrhetic medicine. The store clerk, eyeing us up and down, said, “Uh, sorry, we don’t have antidiabetic medicine.” FML

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By Fatality - Canada

Today, for once, I managed to get my boyfriend's mind off the hockey game. I muted the TV and cuddled up to him. Only thirty seconds into snuggling, he shoved me onto the floor and screamed, "GOAL!" FML

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By AnxiousCucumber - United States - Los Angeles

And I oop

Today, my boyfriend's dick got stuck in the wrong hole. And by wrong hole I mean the pool filter. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML

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By sochunky - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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By ouch - United Kingdom

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

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By concom - Cyprus

Today, I finally found my watch after weeks searching for it. It was on my teacher's wrist. FML

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By Anonwymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML

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By fml9124 - 8/10/2020 10:01 - United States - Omaha

Tricky situation

Today, my wife gave me the green light to have sex with other women. She beat the cancer, but sex for her is now painful and she wasn't really interested in sex the last 10 years anyway. So why does my life suck? Because I don't want sex with anyone else. Now she's mad at me for making her feel guilty. FML

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By penguinsfan - Canada

Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down. Only until after I'd peed, I realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. I waddled to the next stall with my pants down to get more toilet paper, believing that the bathroom was empty. It wasn't. FML

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By MI3 - United States - Oakland

Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Cumberland

Today, I put on a shirt that said "skilled in every position." My boyfriend took one look and said, "since when?" FML

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By millie219 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my mother screamed at my boyfriend, calling him an "evil piece of self-centred trash". He's a sweet guy who does volunteer work for kids with learning difficulties. She's a bitter, passive-aggressive telemarketer who constantly harasses her own family with sales calls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

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By yearbook369 - United States

Today, my school year book awarded "cutest couple" to my boyfriend and I. We broke up yesterday. FML

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By fuckalltwitardsintheface - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

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By dumpyhair

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he, "just can't keep dating a girl with so many split ends." FML

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By laurenmay - United States

Today, I was working at Target when an old woman asked me if I could help her find her favorite bra. I asked what brand it was when she replied "I'll check the tag". She lifted up the front of her shirt, and flipped one cup of her bra inside out. I saw everything. FML

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By Happy Employee - United States

Today, I returned from my first paid vacation in the past 2 years from a place with no cell, or internet. I've just found out that our department has been downsized. FML

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By ouch... - United States

Today, while trying to pull a nail out of some wood with a crowbar in my theatre class, my girlfriend, who was holding down the wood with her foot, thought it would be funny to move her foot and make me lose my balance. Instead, the crowbar flew up and struck me in the nuts. FML

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By Spanner

Today, I realized why a female colleague keeps asking me if I'm high when I'm not. All I'm thinking when I see her is how glad I am to see her. Dilated pupils, flushed face, stupid grin on my face? I'm not high. I'm in love with her. She's married. Oh, and she wants to be my roommate for a year. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my track team's locker room because the coach said there weren't enough lockers for everyone on the team. There are 74 lockers and only 52 girls on the team. FML

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By Grrrr! - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to hunt Easter eggs before we have sex. I'm glad he has his priorities straight. FML

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Top comments

By dearambivalence | 0

#15882 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:38

At the very least, you're not married to the asshole anymore.

By muse88 | 0

#15879 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:37

that sucks seriously..did they even believe u??

COMMENTS

By muse88 | 0

#15879 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:37

that sucks seriously..did they even believe u??

Reply

cameron194 | 9

#4630046 - Friday 29 June 2012 13:39

Who would honestly go back to the store they stole something from to sell said item back to them, if they knew it was stolen.. I'm sure OP eventually convinced them

Reply

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6056598 - Thursday 4 September 2014 21:04

Let's not get crazy here... The guy did call the damned cops.

By shalvius | 3

#15881 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:38

ehmmm.. well it's good that you are not together

By dearambivalence | 0

#15882 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:38

At the very least, you're not married to the asshole anymore.

By summer_escape | 0

#15888 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:43

ouch.. hahahah sucks
at least the pricks gone

Reply

cameron194 | 9

#4630043 - Friday 29 June 2012 13:37

Wow u have a gorgeous pic ^^

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6207749 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:17

awe thanks :$

By Jimboom | 11

#15905 - Thursday 5 March 2009 10:04

Well I am sure they will believe you. You have ignorance on your side.. do they really think that if you stole it from them 3 years ago that you would be that stupid enough to come back and try sell it to him?

By RenoEnvy | 0

#15911 - Thursday 5 March 2009 10:10

Oh my gosh! Seriously?

This is beyond ridiculous! I am so sorry you had to go through that embarassment. I'm sure you were so scared.

To echo the post above, good thing he's gone! Now go find yourself a man who can buy you a damn right. Amen. <3

By Good_old_Grim | 8

#15925 - Thursday 5 March 2009 10:25

I dunno... how many men are there who would be willing to risk jail time to make their woman happy? If he was just a cheapskate he would have bought a fake diamond.

Reply

argnog | 11

#6628508 - Wednesday 15 June 2016 11:47

this is not a woman. as you can see by the name it says man.

By Minibee_fml | 0

#15928 - Thursday 5 March 2009 10:30

#7 ^ hmm

By Rodin_fml | 0

#15942 - Thursday 5 March 2009 11:01

We're not all that bad, honest.

By Seegtease | 0

#15962 - Thursday 5 March 2009 11:42

What a scumbag. Don't grieve for long over that "loss".