Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after... - FML

By ringmaster101 - 4/3/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

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Rock, hard place

Who's a good boy?

Long story short

By it's awkward - 11/8/2015 16:22 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, at Subway, the pretty girl serving made me so nervous that I forgot what cucumbers were called. FML

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By awkward. - 17/7/2009 05:02 - United States

Today, I found out that my new boss at my job is the same guy that I turned down repeatedly last night at the bar. FML

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By kryan012 - 20/2/2013 13:54 - United States - Savannah

Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

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By m2k - 20/6/2011 14:59 - Canada

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2012 11:57 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

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By Sarah - 25/8/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

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By someone something - 9/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was finally able to come home after 4 months in a hospital recovering from brain surgery and physical therapy. While taking a walk around the neighborhood, my new neighbor's Rottweiler ran after me. I tripped while running, got bit, and went back to the hospital for stitches. FML

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By petra84 - 22/10/2012 22:34 - United States - Evans

Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML

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By Wellthen - 28/7/2016 01:07

Today, I was fired from my job. Not because I don't do a good job but because my boss didn't feel it was appropriate to have an affair with my wife and have to face me everyday. FML

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By K3you - 4/7/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

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By team hit bella with a car - 20/10/2014 02:20 - United States - Odenton

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

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By Ginger - 3/10/2010 18:34 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me I should finish school early and get a job so we can get married, because then he'll have enough money to buy the truck he's had his eyes on for our whole relationship. FML

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By KJL - 29/8/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2019 22:30

Today, I watched a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then just put it back on the shelf. FML

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By NewlyChildaphobic - 17/11/2009 14:50 - Ireland

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2014 19:02 - United States - Converse

Today, like every day since my wife was prescribed antibiotics for an infection, I had to hide one of the pills inside her food, because she'd apparently rather fall seriously ill than swallow them like an adult. FML

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By Username - 21/7/2011 11:14 - United States

Today, my dad came home and said that he was so inspired by hip hop dancers on TV that he decided to take a hip hop dance class. He signed up for the class that my girlfriend teaches. FML

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By maruskasommers - 9/1/2012 09:39 - Czech Republic

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

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By failure - 22/9/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 20:16 - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé's best friend, who will be our best man at our wedding, decided to confess his feelings for me and tell me how he's always dreamed of us eloping together. The wedding is going to be awkward. FML

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By brittaneejanex - 2/6/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2017 18:00

Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML

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By trailertrashyanditsucks - 26/7/2013 19:55 - United States - Porter

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2015 13:44 - Canada

Today, I finished a big painting for art class. It's also the day my little brother decided it didn't have enough puke on it. FML

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By onefishtwofishes - 23/5/2013 20:15 - United States - Washington

Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

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By Username - 27/1/2010 08:35 - France

Today, I had a 10 hour drive to Las Vegas with only 2 CDs, Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz, and my girlfriend who thinks she's a good singer. FML

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By Out of Shape - 16/8/2011 22:09 - Egypt

Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2016 17:29 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML

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By River - 26/2/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, a stoplight turned yellow as I was approaching it. I was about to go through but saw a cop, panicked, and slammed on the brakes. I ended up in the middle of the intersection and had to reverse. Soon the light turned green, and I stepped on the gas. My car was still in reverse. FML

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By Annie - 1/11/2018 22:15

Today, the CEO of my company told me the only reason I'm being sent to this huge tech conference is because the company will look better with a girl there. I'm expected to stay out until 4am with creepy rich business partners to stroke their egos. FML

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By BadLuckCarson - 12/2/2013 05:55 - United States - Muscatine

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

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By pansypup - 3/9/2015 02:30 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML

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By Unluggee - 4/6/2009 10:38 - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

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By Coykoi - 16/5/2012 14:19 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head. FML

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By No money, mo' problems - 18/6/2013 22:01 - United States

Today, I witnessed an elderly lady getting mugged. I ran over to the guy mugging her and offered him the money in my wallet in return for him leaving her alone. The old lady snatched my money and ran away with the mugger. What the hell just happened? FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

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By wetbutt - 6/3/2009 17:49 - United States

Today, I yelled at my little brother for leaving the toilet seat up and told him he needed to go around the house and make sure they were all down. I went to the bathroom later to find that the toilet seats and covers from every toilet had all been removed and were sitting on my bed. FML

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By chi-huaHUA - 4/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

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By owwwwwe - 9/1/2012 21:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried a self-tanner in an attempt to rid myself of my ghost-white legs. I got my wish, but instead of a warm golden tan, I have red, swollen, lobster-like marks sticking out from the bottom half of my torso. FML

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By crazyjohnny - 1/6/2009 06:52 - United States

Today, I had a really big debate in my English Class about the legalization of weed. My group had to state reasons why weed shouldn't be legal and no one except me had prepared. My partner came to class totally stoned. Our group lost the debate. We got a F. FML

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Top comments

By dearambivalence | 0

#15882 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:38

At the very least, you're not married to the asshole anymore.

By muse88 | 0

#15879 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:37

that sucks seriously..did they even believe u??

Comments

By muse88 | 0

#15879 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:37

that sucks seriously..did they even believe u??

Reply

cameron194 | 9

#4630046 - Friday 29 June 2012 13:39

Who would honestly go back to the store they stole something from to sell said item back to them, if they knew it was stolen.. I'm sure OP eventually convinced them

Reply

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6056598 - Thursday 4 September 2014 21:04

Let's not get crazy here... The guy did call the damned cops.

By shalvius | 3

#15881 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:38

ehmmm.. well it's good that you are not together

By dearambivalence | 0

#15882 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:38

At the very least, you're not married to the asshole anymore.

By summer_escape | 0

#15888 - Thursday 5 March 2009 9:43

ouch.. hahahah sucks
at least the pricks gone

Reply

cameron194 | 9

#4630043 - Friday 29 June 2012 13:37

Wow u have a gorgeous pic ^^

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6207749 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:17

awe thanks :$

By Jimboom | 11

#15905 - Thursday 5 March 2009 10:04

Well I am sure they will believe you. You have ignorance on your side.. do they really think that if you stole it from them 3 years ago that you would be that stupid enough to come back and try sell it to him?

By RenoEnvy | 0

#15911 - Thursday 5 March 2009 10:10

Oh my gosh! Seriously?

This is beyond ridiculous! I am so sorry you had to go through that embarassment. I'm sure you were so scared.

To echo the post above, good thing he's gone! Now go find yourself a man who can buy you a damn right. Amen. <3

By Good_old_Grim | 8

#15925 - Thursday 5 March 2009 10:25

I dunno... how many men are there who would be willing to risk jail time to make their woman happy? If he was just a cheapskate he would have bought a fake diamond.

Reply

argnog | 11

#6628508 - Wednesday 15 June 2016 11:47

this is not a woman. as you can see by the name it says man.

By Minibee_fml | 0

#15928 - Thursday 5 March 2009 10:30

#7 ^ hmm

By Rodin_fml | 0

#15942 - Thursday 5 March 2009 11:01

We're not all that bad, honest.

By Seegtease | 0

#15962 - Thursday 5 March 2009 11:42

What a scumbag. Don't grieve for long over that "loss".