Miscellaneous: Today, I went swimming with this guy I like at dammed river.... - FML

By Anonymous - 04/07/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I went swimming with this guy I like at dammed river. While we were jumping off the dam, I decided to try to impress him by doing a front flip. I didn't jump far enough off, so when I went to flip, my face skidded down the concrete wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 816

You deserved it 44 802

This Charming Man

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Dementia or hate? You decide

By Rain - 14/11/2016 11:43

Today, I discovered my own mother has been stealing money from me for months when I opened my savings box to find it empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 891

You deserved it 683

By Anonymous - 22/03/2014 22:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 477

You deserved it 6 125

By bobby - 14/03/2010 03:17 - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend thinks I'm too high maintenance because I have a chronic illness which requires frequent hospitalization. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 600

You deserved it 3 479

By Idek - 30/01/2015 16:27 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and I noticed my boyfriend had commented on a post. It said, "Tag the hottest girl you know". Yeah, he tagged his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 970

You deserved it 3 094

By Peter C. - 22/01/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, my friends and I were messing around with an app on my phone that makes your picture look fat. My picture looked the same before and after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 169

You deserved it 10 385

By lolzor - 12/03/2009 12:07 - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 450

You deserved it 105 940

By Cheesey_Dorito - 28/09/2018 15:30

Today, it has been 57 hours since I have last had food. The fridge is empty. The freezer is empty. The pantry is empty. Even my bank account is empty because my pay has been delayed. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 428

You deserved it 215

By Anonymous90 - 24/07/2010 23:59 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walk out to the living room, and tell my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He says no, and then pretends to fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 786

You deserved it 6 453

By SOMAgirl - 06/07/2010 09:16 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to put some streamers on my bike handles, even though I knew they would probably be stolen fairly quickly. I went into a restaurant to eat, and when I came out both my wheels were gone, but at least the streamers were still there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 195

You deserved it 9 074

By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 12:00

Today, while I was fitting a new fuse box, a giant spider tried to eat my fingers. As I pulled away, I touched the exposed wires. I woke up flat on my back to the customer slapping my face, burnt fingers, and bruises everywhere. I had also peed and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 345

You deserved it 472

By Brittany - 18/06/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were kissing. Halfway through the kiss, he rubs his tongue along all my teeth and says, "You need to brush your teeth." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 879

You deserved it 37 942

By SingleWorker - 09/01/2010 03:45 - United States

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 069

You deserved it 2 759

By dukemisery - 12/12/2016 09:33 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 937

You deserved it 1 125

By GeorgiaBOYY - 04/01/2010 17:40 - United States

Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 074

You deserved it 8 168

By chickenshit4 - 15/05/2016 00:57 - United States - Pine Ridge

Spicy

Today, my 43 year old mother came home covered in hickeys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 148

You deserved it 3 039

By must.not.itch. - 02/06/2012 23:25 - United States - Hayward

Today, on the bright side, my boobs grew a size. Unfortunately, this was only after bed bugs decided to attack my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 706

You deserved it 3 176

By Anonymous - 14/10/2013 00:33 - United States - North Little Rock

Today, I got dumped because a guy sat next to me at a party and I didn't get up to change seats. Apparently, it means I subconsciously like the guy who sat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 259

You deserved it 4 203

The talk

By airplanes-suck - 21/08/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year-oldish daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "The talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 252

You deserved it 6 598

By Undefined - 01/01/2009 12:09 - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 275

You deserved it 8 557

By Hotdamnthisismyjam - 16/06/2009 00:32 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 033

You deserved it 6 585

By Great. - 18/05/2012 15:05 - United States - Billings

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 948

You deserved it 5 323

By DEAD inside - 15/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Pomona

Today, I woke up and brushed my teeth as usual. My brother had decided it would be a good time to prank me and rubbed a ton of salt into my toothbrush. A while later, he stood outside the bathroom door repeatedly saying sorry. It was Epsom salt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 588

You deserved it 146

By Anonymous - 10/03/2015 23:15 - United States - Angleton

Spicy

Today, I jokingly sent my girlfriend a link to an article about giving better head. She didn't think it was funny, and has since sent me numerous articles about the female orgasm, and I just got a link to the Wikipedia article about the clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 595

You deserved it 57 344

By Anonymous - 08/01/2014 04:21 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 203

You deserved it 34 908

Wrong place, right time

By Anonymous - 12/03/2020 16:00

Today, I stopped to gas up. The pump wasn't taking my BP rewards card, and it said to go see the cashier. I went in to ask what's up, where the cashier politely pointed out that I was in a Shell gas station, not a BP. FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 1 834

By no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no - 01/09/2013 20:04 - Greece - Athens

Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 212

You deserved it 3 211

By Sam - 03/02/2012 04:00 - Canada

Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 445

You deserved it 2 647

By thx. - 04/08/2016 20:35 - United States - Denver

Today, I told the girl working the scanner that half the documents I was indexing from her were upside down. Now ALL of them are upside down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 249

You deserved it 1 286

By LaundryVictim - 15/06/2016 20:50

Today, I picked up my laundry from the wash-and-fold and proceeded to put everything away. I noticed a hand towel that wasn't mine and made a mental note to return it; turned out they'd given me someone else's boxers as well. My boyfriend doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 457

You deserved it 1 117

By kittyd - 28/01/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door. I thought it was from my elderly disabled neighbors thanking me for cleaning off their snow covered car, since about 6 inches came down. It was from them, only it said I owed them for damages to their car. Damages that were already there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 536

You deserved it 3 572

By Anonymous - 16/01/2012 20:02 - United States

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 995

You deserved it 4 200

By caroline - 06/02/2009 15:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717 730

You deserved it 66 694

By DrumrollPlease - 11/03/2016 01:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my father informed me that he plans to play a drum solo instead of making a speech at my wedding. And yes, he IS completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 026

You deserved it 2 036

By missedfistbump - 20/03/2013 14:31 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 564

You deserved it 8 650

By Ashley Youngman - 16/06/2019 20:04

Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 014

You deserved it 1 142

By chucklesman96 - 11/12/2016 20:34 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 140

You deserved it 1 135

By anda1000douchesscourthispostformistakes - 16/09/2015 13:42 - United States - Meriden

Today, I made it onto my boss's shit-list, after pointing out that he'd misspelled "customer" as "costumer" 6 times in his report, and "college education" as "collage education" twice. It'd be a dick move on his part even if making corrections like this weren't part of my damn job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 934

You deserved it 1 691

NCIS: Dumbass Response Team

By Sweet Jesus - 18/06/2020 14:02

Today, when my almost-16-year-old asked if the 9-1-1 phone number was named after 9/11, I forgave her because she wasn't even born when it happened, but when my 18-year-old asked if jelly comes from jellyfish, I wondered if I've failed as a parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 327

You deserved it 635

By sirensaresexy - 24/07/2012 13:54 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I got on a two hour train ride to go to a concert. I had been so caught up in handling the train tickets that halfway to the concert, I realized I had left the concert tickets on my dresser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 787

You deserved it 9 038

By poorpony - 29/11/2018 14:00

Today, I got on an elevator with a couple that started fighting about which sex outfit the guy should wear for their next roleplay. When they couldn't decide, they proceeded to show me all of the photos, including a My Little Pony outfit. I had to go up the next 22 floors with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 666

You deserved it 335

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:40

That must have hurt in so many different ways. FYL.

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:45

So, was he impressed?

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:39

Ouch. :| But that was kind of your own fault. :/

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Sunday 5 July 2009 22:53

but i dont understand how it was her face :S wouldnt it be the back of her head if she was doing a front flip??

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Tuesday 7 July 2009 17:33

No, she would be facing the dam in a front flip as she reached a half rotation... think of it this way. Stand with your back to a wall, then do a handstand, and notice your now facing the wall. Anyways, I'm still calling a fake on this one, it doesn't seem right. Unless the OP freaked out at the last second, went to do a regular dive and lost momentum. Otherwise, on a curved dam, attempting a front flip, she would have had enough momentum to at least bring her into a regular dive position, and then some. She would have landed on the back of her head or on her back.

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Saturday 13 April 2013 14:22

No #90, it would have been her face.

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Saturday 2 November 2013 23:10

OP left an impression, to bad it wasn't a good impression.

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:40

That must have hurt in so many different ways. FYL.

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:40

OUCH. hope it doesn't leave a scar :T

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Sunday 8 December 2013 17:41

i rather doubt it

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:40

YDI for being stupid

mypuddlejumper 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:41

ouch. make sure you put heaps of aloe on it.

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:43

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 5 July 2009 13:14

she didn't swear? a dammed river is a river that has a dam in it. -_-.

roflcopter657 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 13:37

troll'd

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Sunday 5 July 2009 22:25

HAHAHHAHA. "wash out your mouth!" she didnt cusss... the cuss word is spelt D A M N, thank you very much

bexox 0

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Monday 6 July 2009 6:54

I think it was a joke, guys.

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Saturday 18 February 2012 16:59

A terrible one at that.

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:44

Owww. Mental Images. Im laughing and feeling pain even though it didnt happen to me. Haha YDI for not being careful. But then again FYL for the pain

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:45

So, was he impressed?

EFFyourlifecait 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 17:04

hahahahaha!

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Sunday 5 July 2009 17:29

Hahaha, that's what I want to know :D

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:45

Shit that must've hurt like hell. Neither one of you was very smart for jumping off a concrete dam though.

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Sunday 5 July 2009 9:46

Oww. Have you learned nothing from other FMLs involving impressing someone

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Sunday 5 July 2009 15:03

Yeah, I agree. If there's ONE thing I've learned from FML, it's to never go to an extreme to impress someone hahaha. OP: normally I'd say YDI for being dumb, but that just sounds painful and I sympathize too much. So... I clicked both. xD

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 156

You deserved it 72

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 44