Love: Today, I went on my first date in a year with a guy I met just...

By Anonymous - 17/08/2017 22:45 - Romania

Today, I went on my first date in a year with a guy I met just a couple hours ago. I went back to my hotel to get better dressed and met him at the bar. I brought my purse, he brought his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 836

You deserved it 339

Love

Late term

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Panic

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 524

You deserved it 5 036

By Whoops - 20/10/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, at my job in a nursing home, the State Department of Health inspected us, during which a dementia patient repeatedly screamed that I always hurt her. This was the first time that I'd ever seen her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 778

You deserved it 2 011

Stiff Little Fingers

By Lunar-Spice - 03/08/2021 16:00 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I found out that the stiffness I've been feeling in my hand is arthritis and that it's only going to get worse. Not only do I type for my job, I'm also 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 56

By dxplq876 - 17/03/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I was walking out of the grocery store and out of no where, a car backing up pretty fast speeds downs the parking lot and hits me, causing me to fall down and drop all of the groceries. The woman jumped out of her car, not to help me, but to carefully check her bumper for scratches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 782

You deserved it 4 654

By Anonymous - 27/09/2015 07:10 - United States - Queens Village

Today, while singing Happy Birthday to my husband, I desperately needed to fart. I couldn't leave the room, so I let it out real slow. There were over 20 of us there, yet somehow my mother-in-law knew it was me. She went over to the window and opened it wide, all while glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 065

You deserved it 4 024

Take the W

By FML - 18/01/2012 19:41 - United States

Today, I blushed when a fortune cookie said, "You have the attitude of a winner." My self esteem is that low. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 698

You deserved it 4 752

By Anonymous - 18/08/2010 16:12 - United States

Today, my new $100 electronic cigarette came in the mail. I was so excited to try it out, I used it on the drive to work. The people who sold it to me weren't kidding when they said it looked and felt real. I threw it out the window when I was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 482

You deserved it 64 143

By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, my mother had 'the talk' with me about sex. I spent the entire time confused as to what brought this up, until she mentioned she had found a used condom in the backseat of the car. I haven't had any action in it, and have no idea whose it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 103

You deserved it 2 254

Everyday racism

By Anonymous - 12/09/2014 20:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused, "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 401

You deserved it 3 370

By Two wrecks one car - 20/08/2018 16:30 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, a woman pulled out in front me and I couldn't avoid hitting her. When we pulled off on the side of the road to inspect the damage, she backed into me. My car is only a month old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 047

You deserved it 142

By shelby124 - 15/08/2012 16:31 - United States - York

Today, I realized why it's not a good idea to sleep with your boyfriend when he still lives with his mom. She may walk in, make you get dressed, and demand what you have to say for yourself. Trust me, "Your son is good at sex" is not the right answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 909

You deserved it 39 589

By Nicole - 19/09/2011 20:16 - United States

Today, I went to school without makeup. No one recognized me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 728

You deserved it 44 486

By painfetish8021 - 17/09/2012 00:50 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 782

You deserved it 4 469

By rammedbehind - 26/08/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I was driving to work when a state trooper rammed into my car from behind, because he was on the cell phone and not paying attention. He gave me a ticket for "Failure to control speed to avoid a crash." FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 602

You deserved it 3 822

By UnpredictableSurface - 17/03/2017 22:00

Today, a tattoo artist send me home without tattoo because the acne on my back has gotten so bad, he refused to work on such an 'unpredictable surface'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 555

You deserved it 1 201

By grossew - 26/06/2019 07:00

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 466

You deserved it 291

By Yo Mr. White! ... BETCH! - 23/10/2012 22:47 - United States - Imperial Beach

Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 075

You deserved it 29 448

By Anonymous - 19/02/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, I noticed my house smells a lot like my grandma's. Not because we use the same cleaning products or anything like that, but because I'm slowly turning into a crazy cat lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 496

You deserved it 24 918

By anonymous - 14/12/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I went to feed my neighbor's cat while he was out of town. The cat was sick, so part of my job was to give it a pill each time I came. Cats don't like swallowing pills. My neighbor forgot to mention that his cat wasn't declawed. I was wearing shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 384

You deserved it 6 198

By Anonymous - 15/05/2018 15:00

Today, my stepmother proved once again that she likes to play favourites. She has no job, so anything she gifts comes from my dad’s account. On my last birthday, I got £5 on a cheap card. Today, my step-brother's birthday, he got £400 and an iPad. He’s 4 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 402

You deserved it 223

By EdwinOEF - 31/12/2011 22:36 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I flew to Dubai, en route to my new job in Afghanistan. Both of my bags were lost, my debit card was frozen in London, the next flight was cancelled, and I can't get a hotel room. I'm in the richest city in world with no money and no room. Happy New Year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 599

You deserved it 3 023

By anonymous - 22/04/2011 05:20

Today, I watched a YouTube video at work because I was bored. I forgot I was on a conference call and my computer's desktop was shared with 15 other people. No one said anything till it ended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 397

You deserved it 44 266

My boss, the shitgibbon

By Anonymous - 23/08/2021 10:59 - United States - Steele

Today, my 17-year-old, clinically depressed son was having terrible anxiety about the first day of school tomorrow. I tried to be a good parent, so I took the day off to console him. That proved to be a bad idea, because apparently, putting your son's mental health first is a valid reason for your boss to fire you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 344

You deserved it 153

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

By Anonymous - 04/12/2020 19:58 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my entire family was diagnosed with COVID. My son's school decided I was well enough to homeschool him on Zoom all day. My head feels like it’s going to explode and all I want to do is sleep. Did I mention my ADHD son has no symptoms? FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 513

You deserved it 52 703

By Anonymous - 20/06/2012 05:22 - United States - Tucson

Today, I bought some beef jerky. As I put the first piece in my mouth, I thought to myself, "Wow, this is tough enough to break a tooth." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 953

You deserved it 3 524

By smoothmove - 26/06/2011 04:29 - United States

Today, I sprained my knee while going down on one knee to propose to my girlfriend. She laughed as I rolled in pain. I still haven't gotten an answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 691

You deserved it 4 741

By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 279

You deserved it 72 367

By Anonymous - 16/07/2013 07:10 - Australia - Albert Park

Today, I was stumbling down the street due to arthritic pain, when I accidentally bumped into a man. He turned and yelled, "Watch it, you clumsy, ugly bitch", to which I apologised and told him about my arthritis. He stared at me in confusion, then said, "Well, you're still ugly", and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 680

You deserved it 3 919

By owmyballs - 17/12/2009 16:34 - Thailand

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 060

You deserved it 37 171

Kids is hard work

By Anonymous - 27/09/2021 22:59

Today, I told my husband I wanted to make him happy by giving him a baby. He told me either I can make him happy, or I can give him a baby, but I can’t do both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 424

You deserved it 712

By Not A Pervert - 04/11/2014 00:00 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, while at work, I was shown CCTV footage of myself staring at the chest belonging to a teenager I was serving. I was accused of being a paedophile and nearly fired, all because I wanted to know what version of Spider-Man was on her T-shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 915

You deserved it 5 700

By haley - 16/11/2018 14:00

Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 453

You deserved it 431

By Tired Girlfriend - 14/06/2017 22:00

Today, it's 2am. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours next to my snoring boyfriend. Every time I nudge him to shut him up, his body tenses, he farts, then goes straight back to snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 804

You deserved it 463

By Anonymous - 08/02/2017 08:00 - Korea, Republic of - Pyongtaek

Today, I broke it off with my mistress so that I could work on my marriage. Shortly after, my wife received an anonymous message saying that I was unfaithful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 541

You deserved it 24 850

By Hanna - 03/04/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 525

You deserved it 4 639

By Anonymous - 29/07/2019 15:00 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 162

You deserved it 110

By Anonymous - 06/04/2016 14:31 - United States - Iowa Park

Today, I got mugged by a fake hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 662

You deserved it 8 264

By Ashy104 - 09/01/2010 05:36 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 747

You deserved it 26 307

By ILuvYouSoldiers - 26/06/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 326

You deserved it 21 410

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Top comments

Glowworm56 25

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Thursday 17 August 2017 22:58

Was the girlfriend even okay with this to begin with?

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 17 August 2017 22:02

Good thing you brought your purse — now you can buy enough drinks to have a threesome.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Thursday 17 August 2017 22:02

Good thing you brought your purse — now you can buy enough drinks to have a threesome.

Death69 24

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Thursday 17 August 2017 22:12

So you lost a couple of hours here. Better to have found out quick. Than find out later, when you cared for this dude. Chin up OP, the right one is out there.