Melbourne, Australia
Today, I was sent to an elementary school for safety day. One of the dads was asking about my job, when I told him about the long hours and high stress involved. He turned to his son and said, "Now see why you stay in school?" I'm a paramedic. With a bachelor's degree. FML
Today, before class I was trying to prove I can twist myself like the people on the front of my anatomy textbook, I got onto a table and twisted my ankles behind my head. Everyone seemed impressed until I farted so loudly that it echoed in the hallway. I couldn't get my legs unstuck. FML
Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML
Today, I'm so broke, I asked my parents if they'd pay for me to go to the eye doctor and consider it my Christmas present. FML
Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML
Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML
Today, I had to eat up a few specks of toilet paper to avoid spoiling "the moment" with my girlfriend. FML
Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML
Today, at karate, my sparring partner thought it was completely okay to surprise kick me in the vagina. When he saw me doubled over in pain, he was completely surprised. Apparently, he thought that it wouldn't hurt, because I have no penis. FML
Today, I realised half my underpants were missing. In related news, my slob of a housemate hasn't washed hers in several weeks, and has been stealing mine. FML
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