Love and Health: Today, I was walking around my block when a random stranger pulled...

By B-377 - United States - Sarver

Today, I was walking around my block when a random stranger pulled up next to me. He assumed I was a woman, and started catcalling me. I'm a 34-year-old man with a wife and kids, and my hair isn't even long. FML

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Love

Health

Compassion

Age ain't nothing but a number

Family extension

By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 07:58 - United States - Greensburg

Stuck on amber

Today, my wife and mother of my kids said she doesn't want sex. Or a divorce. FML

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By ArtistBlock - United States - Phoenix

Today, I spent nearly seven hours clearing out our storage room in order to transform it into my art studio. Things were going great until I tweaked my back. At least from my stationary position in bed I have a perfect view of the table I can't work at for the next 2 to 4 weeks. FML

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By you would - United States

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

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By Etta - United States

Today, I stayed home from work, feeling ill. Come lunch time, I made myself some ramen noodles, thinking that the broth would feel good on my throat. Too bad I sneezed while carrying the bowl, dumping the boiling hot broth all down my front. The skin on my boob peeled away like tissue. FML

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By OhaiiKid - United States

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

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By Notasinner - United Kingdom - London

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my mother refused to buy a cat because my sister is allergic to them. She bought a rabbit instead. I'm allergic to rabbits. FML

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By yupppp - United States

Today, I was talking with my mom about getting my school photos retouched. I believe her exact words were, "They'll take one look at you, and charge me triple." FML

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By hangup - United States

Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML

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By eaglesmile - India - Mumbai

Today, during work hours, I took time off and discreetly went for an interview for a prospective job at our rival company. As soon as I reached the place, I bumped into my current boss. FML

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By CrimsonAmaryllis - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after two and a half hours of travel, it was finally my stop on the train. I politely waited for a group of women to get off first. They took so long to move that the train doors closed. I shouted at one through the door to call the conductor. She watched and smiled as the train departed. FML

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By anon - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn't have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. FML

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By singledumbfuck

Eternally romantic

Today, my boyfriend proposed via text, after telling me that he'd slept with his step-sister. FML

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By galladore - United States - Bensenville

Today, my oldest friend got engaged to her loving boyfriend of one year. Meanwhile, I can't even get my boyfriend of more than four years to commit to a decision of what he wants for dinner. FML

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By All a hoax - 25/10/2020 20:05 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Don't know, don't care

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

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By Anonymous

I don't like to move it, move it

Today, I realized just how sedentary both my work and home lives are after I went to the doctor with a rash on my butt and he diagnosed it as bedsores from near constant sitting. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up with and wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. I kissed her and she immediately smacked me. I got a "ha-ha" text message from my ex. FML

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By jon - Canada - Toronto

Consent

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontanous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

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By yummy - United States

Terminology

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 23:00

Too much of a good thing

Today, my girlfriend complained that our quickies shouldn’t take 45 minutes. FML

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By Bitchjackedmyball - United States - Kihei

Today, I had just bought a new $60 basketball and decided to go try it out. Five minutes into playing, the ball decided to roll into the hands of a little girl, who then said, "Mine". I thought it was cute, until she skipped over to her parent's car and they drove off. FML

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By not a whore! - 30/8/2020 07:05 - United States - Madison

Can't catch a break

Today my sister was complaining about all the inaccuracies in Grey's Anatomy and how it negatively portrayed nurses. I’m a massage therapist. Almost everything portrays us as cheap whores. I’ve even been propositioned several times. When I pointed this out, she and the rest of my family laughed. FML

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By ccat209 - United States - Riverton

Today, my parents finally realized that I've been sneaking vodka when they weren't home. Note to self: don't let them freeze vodka that's actually 75% water. FML

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By sadinthesack - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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By assholedad - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By rita

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

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By El Boz - United States

Splashed out

Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 08:08

For the life of him indeed

Today, my significant other decided it’s safe to travel to Brazil for Christmas break, even though they are heavily impacted by Covid. He doesn't understand for the life of him why we should skip this year. FML

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By SprinklerDodger - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

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By CallaC - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 05:05

Bitch ass move

Today, my partner and I had bought a short bus to convert to an RV, which is done and we are now ready to move in. That night, after I’m fully out of my place, she informs me she has feelings for my roommate and it’s something she must explore. I'm now homeless and they are traveling around in the conversion. FML

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By Uncircumcised Penis - Canada - Richmond

Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML

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By phonesage - United States

Catfished

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

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By StillBurning

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalapeños for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Eastbourne

Today, I went to a big job interview. Everything went well at first, with the interviewer being impressed by my CV. I was then interrogated over not having a Facebook account, and practically accused of being a criminal, because people without them "always have something to hide". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

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Today, my friend was complaining about how she did not like Mexican food. Confused, I asked her whether she had even had Mexican food, to which she replied, “Yeah, I mean I’ve had Taco Bell.” FML

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Top comments

By delude | 26

#7712872 - Tuesday 23 October 2018 18:02

Maybe he’s into dudes

By RichardPencil | 30

#7712880 - Tuesday 23 October 2018 18:17

Maybe he was just warming up his catcalling muscles before he drove downtown to do it on real women.

COMMENTS

By delude | 26

#7712872 - Tuesday 23 October 2018 18:02

Maybe he’s into dudes

By RichardPencil | 30

#7712880 - Tuesday 23 October 2018 18:17

Maybe he was just warming up his catcalling muscles before he drove downtown to do it on real women.

By Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7712886 - Tuesday 23 October 2018 18:28

He could be gay

By purplepixie23 | 16

#7712905 - Tuesday 23 October 2018 19:05

You must have shed all your baby weight well

By Phillycheeze | 20

#7712926 - Tuesday 23 October 2018 20:04

Maybe the guy is into crossing the streams...

By Venom1999 | 19

#7712939 - Tuesday 23 October 2018 20:33

Sounds like an FML for him as well given how embarrassing that must have been.

Rabite | 28

#7712948 - Tuesday 23 October 2018 20:56

Wouldn't be less embarassing for him if he was a woman.

By mssileas | 25

#7713102 - Wednesday 24 October 2018 7:13

So it would have been fine if he had catcalled a woman? "Excuse me, Sir, please wait until my wife comes strolling down here and kindly harass her, instead of me, a fellow male!"

By SAMPLETEXT96 | 4

#7715180 - Sunday 28 October 2018 2:30

My man he might be gay

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7715448 - Sunday 28 October 2018 18:00

Maybe it wasn't your hair he was looking at.