Health: Today, I was trying out for a position as pitcher for my college... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 11

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 744

27/03/2015 22:50

Today, I was trying out for a position as pitcher for my college baseball team. I threw the ball as hard as I could, and then collapsed to the ground in agony from a dislocated shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 361

You deserved it 5 310

Mama's boy

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Mystery woman

20/02/2009 15:38

Spicy

Today, I woke up happy because I'd met the man of my dreams at a bar. We had shared an amazing night together. I walked around my apartment, wondering where he'd went. Turns out, he was gone. So was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 204

You deserved it 27 648

01/06/2012 14:24

Today, a girl started talking to me at the bus stop. After it descended into an awkward silence, I jumped on my bus to avoid further conversation. She got on the same bus. And got off at the same stop. I swear the whole bus could feel the tension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 886

You deserved it 4 655

21/02/2011 05:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 829

You deserved it 14 856

28/02/2016 11:06

Today, I got hit by a stray cantaloupe. That's not a typo. I hate my neighbors' kids with a burning passion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 415

You deserved it 1 347

23/09/2010 19:02

Today, I gave my boss the paperwork to approve my commissions for the month. She wouldn't sign it, saying, "Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel that I've signed this before." She hasn't. I have no commission, and my boss is crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 506

You deserved it 2 467

23/08/2011 14:46

Spicy

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 086

You deserved it 6 383

Double standards

By not ashamed! - 05/09/2020 07:57

Today, I was told how irresponsible, dangerous and shameful it is to date as a single mom. Apparently, my one and only focus should be my children. I’ve had one boyfriend in the past two years. Meanwhile, my ex-husband has a new flavor of the month around our kids whenever he sees fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 722

You deserved it 161

Unfair

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 11:01

Today, I refused to manually count $64 in pennies from a customer, because I would hold up the line and I was one of three registers open. In fact, I advised her to use the Coinstar machine in the lobby. She refused, threw a fit and demanded my manager for being “incompetent”. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 307

13/06/2010 07:48

Today, I went to my boyfriend's mom's house for the first time. They had a cook-out so I got to meet his whole entire family. I went into the kitchen to find a huge picture of his ex-girlfriend on his mom's fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 088

You deserved it 3 544

Suspicious Minds

By Kelly - 29/11/2016 18:57

Today, I discovered that my 17-year-old daughter received several weird deposits from Paypal. I checked her phone to discover that she had changed the password for the first time in years. Fearing drugs, I confronted her. She broke down and confessed to selling rare digital Pokemon on eBay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 713

You deserved it 2 391

Hypocrisy

By AfraidOfToxicity - 21/07/2020 02:02

Today, I had a friend quit every friend group we shared, all because I refused to show him favouritism in my D&D campaign, after I changed the rules to reduce favouritism between everyone, because he'd complained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 355

You deserved it 149

07/04/2012 07:04

Spicy

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 490

You deserved it 5 984

04/06/2019 06:00

Today, I learned how to make my fridge colder. I felt that what it was set on felt a little warmer than normal, so I turned it down. Now everything in my fridge is frozen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 698

You deserved it 1 645

No balls activity

By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 12:00

Spicy

Today, my right testicle popped out during gym class while we were running laps. The teacher saw it and said, “Put that thing away! There aren’t any balls involved in this activity!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 650

You deserved it 626

GIVE ME BOOZE, NOW!

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 22:01

Today, I got a change of ID. My old ID had its corner cut off and was given a temporary paper ID. I went to a bar in another town to have some drinks. Turns out I couldn't because they couldn't use my old ID or my temporary one to let me drink, even though I'm 22. I've been there before and I work at my town's liquor store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 127

14/05/2013 21:35

Today, my 55 year-old mother faked a pregnancy because she was jealous of all the attention I've been getting since I had my twin boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 318

You deserved it 2 997

03/11/2014 18:03

Today, I told my boss I'm going to quit, after months of being abused, doing meaningless work, and working late every day. I was soon given so many new projects that I didn't even have time to write my resignation letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 592

You deserved it 5 819

28/07/2009 19:41

Today, everyone at work commented on how much better my new haircut looked and how I should keep styling it this way as it's such an improvement over my old style. I was late for work this morning. My new hair style was Bed hair that I didn't have time to sort out... FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 715

You deserved it 8 020

28/05/2009 18:17

Today, my cell phone service was interrupted because I owed the company 27 cents. It cost 36 dollars to reinstate my service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 065

You deserved it 11 229

31/07/2011 09:05

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 109

You deserved it 4 897

14/03/2012 19:11

Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 683

You deserved it 36 402

06/10/2009 13:53

Spicy

Today, my roomate thought it would be funny to take pictures of my morning wood and put it up on Facebook for everyone to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 340

You deserved it 3 350

Quick reflexes

By fml9124 - 20/03/2020 18:00

Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 668

Pull!

By buttpicker - 19/04/2010 23:24

Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 511

You deserved it 4 549

25/07/2018 01:30

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 420

You deserved it 308

29/12/2012 08:25

Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 659

You deserved it 3 100

12/02/2013 04:59

Spicy

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 430

You deserved it 8 643

27/03/2009 14:47

Today, I was fired from a managerial position I've held for two years due to "inappropriate relations with a subordinate": I was dating a coworker. My girlfriend then broke up with me four hours later. Because I no longer had a job. I hired her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 501

You deserved it 13 601

11/09/2014 06:49

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 994

You deserved it 3 233

22/08/2013 02:45

Today, I got rejected for a job because they claimed I faked my entire resume. Their excuse? I'm too pretty to be smart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 907

You deserved it 4 700

05/12/2009 13:22

Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 683

You deserved it 15 942

12/01/2009 15:37

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 505

You deserved it 9 122

26/10/2010 01:47

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 528

You deserved it 6 881

27/08/2009 06:58

Today, I discovered that my parents rooted through our house looking for junk to sell at a garage sale. They sold all of my books from my bookshelf. When I freaked, out my mom said 'well you never read them'. There was about $300 hidden between the pages of those books. They made $60. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 128

You deserved it 9 511

06/03/2013 14:53

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 793

You deserved it 4 409

05/01/2009 06:16

Today, I sent a text message to this girl I've been flirting with for a while now saying "How about coffee?". To which she answered "Great idea, I'll go and make myself one right now". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 104

You deserved it 3 349

10/01/2011 20:35

Today, I realized the birthmark I have on my chest isn't a birthmark at all; it's a third nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 754

You deserved it 4 539

01/01/2011 00:05

Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 962

You deserved it 3 620

09/07/2015 21:12

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 263

You deserved it 1 828

20/04/2009 18:22

Today, I told my mom that I was taking antidepressants because I hate myself. She said "That's not surprising. You hate everybody. And, you're kind of a bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 946

You deserved it 23 553

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:23

Struck out at that position...

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:23

Although never very good at sports, this was always a very real fear of mine when I played baseball as a kid because I remember watching an older kid do that.

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:23

Struck out at that position...

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Saturday 28 March 2015 10:15

On the upside, better to strike out now, with time to heal, than to have made a career of baseball and have it happen then.

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Saturday 28 March 2015 12:07

I know how you feel OP...baseball was my passion. But then I dislocated my shoulder 3 times. It sucks.

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:23

Although never very good at sports, this was always a very real fear of mine when I played baseball as a kid because I remember watching an older kid do that.

The_Bengineer 13

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:23

Well, did you get the position?

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Saturday 28 March 2015 9:17

The fetal position? Yes, yes he did.

Shmatterhorn 38

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:25

Ouch. You need more work on control over velocity, OP.

man_in_black08 28

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:32

Perhaps u can try soccer now. Just hope u dont fracture your foot (:

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:35

That gotta hurt, OP are you okay?

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:35

Well, you have two more strikes before you're out. Sorry to hear that happened OP

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:35

And that's why I don't do any sports :)

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:44

That's got to be rough, hopefully you threw a 95 mph bullet so there's some hope?

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Saturday 28 March 2015 18:00

^^fast enough to impress anyway? majors pitchers get hurt all the time and their teams still keep them!

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Saturday 28 March 2015 8:45

sorry you got hurt OP :/ don'r rly know much bout baseball, but maybe you can try doing those warm-ups first ? gws :-)