Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac... - FML

By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 01:02 - Australia

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

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Cold-blooded old times

The opposite of a good idea

Don't give up

By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

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By Ima in Hungary - 22/3/2012 12:06 - United States - Silsbee

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

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By RonnieG - 22/7/2013 22:30 - United States - Orlando

Today, I confessed to losing my wife's engagement ring, and replacing it with a lookalike months ago. My wife also confessed that her actual engagement ring was locked in the safe, and the one I lost had been a fake. I've been paying the replacement off on my credit card for 6 months. FML

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By Lilie - 17/12/2008 10:25 - France

Today, my sweetheart came round to drop off some underwear which I'd left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML

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By FishStampede - 16/5/2009 12:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

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By fhe - 16/4/2012 15:52 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was fixing a leak in the roof. When I was climbing down the ladder, it fell, but I managed to grab the ledge of the roof. The ladder hit my wife's car, then I fell on top of the ladder. My wife came running out to ask what happened to the car. FML

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By NotInTheRightPlace - 17/3/2014 18:18 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to appear in court. My boyfriend gave me a chocolate to eat for comfort. The quote on the wrapper read "Today, you are exactly where you should be." FML

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By Maryann - 8/2/2018 01:30

'Murica

Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML

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By quarterback - 23/1/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML

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By Pill popping zit monster - 23/12/2016 04:16

Today, my period has given to me 4 giant zits, 3 screaming shits, 2 stomach ulcers, and a fever blister on my lips. A few days until Christmas and the gifts keep coming. FML

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By Kristen Duncan - 1/8/2017 20:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML

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By anon - 25/9/2014 05:48 - United States - Germantown

Today, I have learned a lot of "big" words from reading so much, but can actually only pronounce about half of them correctly. FML

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By trixanne - 6/1/2015 20:57 - Australia - Sydney

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I went to leave my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 20:00

Broken vibrator

Today, I received my package. I ordered a vibrator, I was so excited to use it, but when I was finally ready to use it, I found out that it broke during the delivery. FML

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By Ser17 - 10/8/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

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By aunty_social - 25/8/2018 14:30

Today, I took my 5-year-old nephew camping. I was about to take him to the outhouse for a bathroom break when he flung the door of the camper open and shouted at the top of his lungs to the entire campground, "We are going to poop now!" FML

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By heather - 20/6/2011 22:25 - Canada

Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML

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By Brandy_Dandy78 - 12/6/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

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By wow - 11/7/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I have to choose between one eyebrow or none because I'm a heavy sleeper and my brother is a moron. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2013 04:48 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML

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By almyric - 2/10/2019 12:02

Headshot!

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a foot massage. I learned that his feet are ticklish when he kicked me in the face. FML

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By James - 26/8/2011 18:29 - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and tried to french-kiss my dog. Now he has 12 stitches in his face, and he's insisting we have to get my dog put down. FML

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By lostbandana - 3/7/2011 02:15 - United States

Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML

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By Matt8 - 7/12/2012 01:07 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife, who is supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, drank an entire bottle of wine and then tried to hide it at the bottom of a garbage bin. To make matters worse, when I confronted her about it, she tried to convince me that our 5-year-old daughter had drunk it. FML

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By I'm my husband's second mom - 3/11/2015 07:14 - United States - Dickson

Today, my husband got angry and stormed out of the house because he claims I wasn't pressing the buttons he told me to while playing Pokemon. FML

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By Chefinblack - 19/10/2015 22:13 - Australia

Today, at my prestigious sous chef job, I was preparing to plate up expensive entrees for a function of 150 people. After arriving to work 2 hours early to finalize finishing touches, they call the restaurant 5 minutes before their booking stating, 'We can't be bothered anymore, sorry.' FML

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By ouch - 8/3/2011 15:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

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By never again - 30/8/2012 01:03 - Canada - Carstairs

Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived, there was a large pile of dishes in the sink. I decided to wash the dishes for her while the kids napped. She came home, noticed it, and bitched me out over how I'd only done it "to try and get more money" out of her. What? FML

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By Golden~ - 1/6/2011 09:20 - Canada

Today, I found out that the school principal takes all the money from the school fund raisers to buy herself donuts. I'd donated over $100. FML

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By deuceaddict - 3/11/2017 21:00

Today, I was confronted by my superiors for spending a "suspicious" amount of time in the bathroom every day. Not only did I have to take the test, but I also had to send in a doctor's note proving that I have a bowel condition I'd hoped to keep secret. FML

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By LexS12 - 30/4/2017 04:00

Today, at the age of 21, I've been diagnosed with arthritis in my knees. There goes my volleyball career. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I went on what I thought was a date. After a wonderful night with a perfect gentleman, he told me how excited he is that he's moving in with his girlfriend next week, and thanked me for reassuring him that he doesn't want anyone but her. FML

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By VtecKickIn - 17/7/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, I was driving with my girlfriend. As we turned onto our block, she shrieked that our dog was running down the street and into traffic. I jumped out of the moving car and chased him for about a mile, only to give up, go home, and find out it wasn't our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 00:00 - United States - Grove City

Today, a childhood friend reached out to me to apologize for our friendship. He was obviously drunk, and admitted that his parents made him become friends with me so that my dad, their landlord, would be easy on them when the rent was short after his mom lost her job. He said he never really liked me and called me a nerd, before hanging up. FML

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By goblue - 21/12/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

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By cold-n-stinky - 12/1/2010 06:30 - United States

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 02:06 - France

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

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By afraidtosleep - 13/10/2012 06:35 - United States - Houston

Today, as I was rushing to get out for work, I opened my door just in time to witness a large snake slither into my home. I had no choice but to lock it inside and go to work. I've now spent several hours searching for it with my friends, and we can't find it. I'm scared to go to sleep. FML

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By our kids will be derps - 22/6/2013 19:28 - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend found an empty snail shell. I tried messing with him by saying the snail had turned into a slug, like caterpillars turn into butterflies. He quickly replied, "Yeah I know. I'm not a tard, babe." and said he'd been taught all that and more back in school. What the hell? FML

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Top comments

By kingkash | 0

#658785 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:23

if it's a he,

then by disturbing he means that you should see him after class

If it's a she,

then she's just jealous.

By kravitzz1990 | 0

#658838 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:55

ROFL!!!! ur teacher is awsome!!!!!! hahaa

Comments

By XxCoolPersonxX | 0

#658780 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:23

oh and first :)

Reply

White667 | 0

#659092 - Saturday 7 November 2009 14:56

It really took you a while?

Also, that's just kinda gross, depending on how old you are a little inappropriate.

Reply

Youdumbidiot | 0

#1009980 - Friday 28 May 2010 5:47

Well if you have hade pratice then it's not that much of an fml

Reply

mydgmax | 0

#2295879 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 1:50

haha your teacher is a pedo. that's sad

Reply

hurtandabused | 7

#3777247 - Friday 23 December 2011 18:42

It's funny how your name is you dumb idiot when you cannot spell XD

By kingkash | 0

#658785 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:23

if it's a he,

then by disturbing he means that you should see him after class

If it's a she,

then she's just jealous.

Reply

SadinSherman | 16

#1596486 - Sunday 24 October 2010 20:36

Maybe the teacher thinks OP will be a good bartender.

Reply

lurveu_mysweet_t | 0

#2832067 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 19:22

or good at hand jobs! duh. hehe

Reply

SpicyDuck | 22

#5238007 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 18:35

Maybe that little symbol in the corner means OP is a dude...

Reply

mikeman1744 | 18

#6332754 - Friday 26 June 2015 12:19

I'm pretty sure he's referring to the gender of the teacher

By XxCoolPersonxX | 0

#658802 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:30

aww my other comment didn't show "/
i said "bahahahaha that's hella funny it took me a while to get but wow that's funny lol =D

Reply

StaticDown | 0

#658861 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:15

Your comment shows. And to OP Damn... LMAO

Reply

mackischillin | 5

#5300369 - Monday 31 December 2013 23:50

You're a dumbass

By Wankster | 0

#658812 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:43

FIRST!!!

By kravitzz1990 | 0

#658838 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:55

ROFL!!!! ur teacher is awsome!!!!!! hahaa

Reply

AssassinsCRB | 0

#3974902 - Wednesday 1 February 2012 6:40

Lol once a kid in my math class said "my compass isnt big enough, oh never mind" and my teacher said "thats what she said" lmao i laughed so hard

By portlandrima | 0

#658852 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:09

lmao if you are in college, give him a blowjob for extra credit!

Reply

highfiveee | 0

#2948711 - Friday 22 July 2011 5:06

ewww...

Reply

alexm501 | 0

#4463508 - Monday 21 May 2012 17:47

Wtf is wrong with you.

By kravitzz1990 | 0

#658857 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:11

its funnier if ur teacher was right.. LMAO

Reply

Gennnnnn | 0

#1211338 - Monday 9 August 2010 12:12

Is Yourr Teacher Righttt Ahhha

By M13LO | 0

#658862 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:16

it's only on FML because you know it's true :p

By nyuu1234 | 0

#658867 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:24

so YDI

By Mx_Rider | 6

#658888 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:57

:D hj noicccceeeee