Intimacy: Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

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Family values

Commando

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By mew - Canada

Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML

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By stillhungry - United States

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I was fired from the restaurant I work at because I missed my shift. I missed it because I was in the hospital for food poisoning from the meal I ate at work last night. FML

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By seriously_CAT

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "there's no such thing as bacteria in food". FML

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By daddysjudy92

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

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By Polmkk - United States

Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read a sign next to an oddly placed bush. Not even two seconds later, a man popped out of the bush and made me wet myself. People were filming it. FML

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By WTF Lady? - 8/4/2020 20:00

Rod Stewart was wrong

Today, I was walking down my street when a girl came up behind me and started yelling about me being a slut. When she saw I was the wrong person, she continued to yell at me because I have blonde hair. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I woke up to the smell of bacon. It smelled so good, and made me very hungry. Then I realized it was my neighbor cooking. I have no money or bacon. FML

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By CiaoBella

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry honey. FML

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By GracieGirl

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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By littlefinger - United States - Foley

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 05:00 - United States

Drama abounds

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years threatened to break up with me because when she came by my work, she saw me talking to another girl. The girl was a trainee. I'm the boss of the company, so it's my responsibility to train new people. FML

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By IcantDance! - United States - Daphne

Today, although I can't dance, I decided to go to a club. A really cute girl asked me to dance, and I politely declined. She kept insisting, so I finally said okay. A few minutes in, she stopped, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make fun of my dancing, I'm leaving." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 02:04

Life imitates art

Today, I had to sit through the film The 40 Year Old Virgin with my friends, who thought it was hilarious. I'm well over 40 and also a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 23:00

Pincushion

Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML

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By IrisKitty - United States - Englewood

Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML

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By no she wasn't high - United States - Garland

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that just because it says non-toxic on the crayons, it doesn't mean that you should eat them. She's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my custom printed Christmas cards that I reviewed twice before ordering, came in the mail. This year I will be wishing everyone a "wondeful" holiday season. I'm an elementary school teacher. FML

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By djl - Canada - Beaumont

Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML

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By xXshitface4uXx - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

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By Peachtree

Today, I learned that the super cute guy I've been dating for the last 4 weeks is a total gross slob. His house was like a garbage skip, literally ankle deep in garbage, pizza boxes, old crud, and filth. It stank of cat urine and there was poop residue in his toilet bowl. FML

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By hatemyjob - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

John Coltrane

Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML

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By brokeandhungry - United States

Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks tent I work in. After she and her family left, I went and used my foot to smooth out the mound she'd made. In doing so, I discovered that she wasn't digging, she was burying. She'd pooped. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife let two Jehovah's Witnesses in for a chat, then deliberately went to a neighbour's for "2 minutes," and left me with them for half-an-hour, with them refusing to take my hints to leave. In the end, I told them to fuck off, just as the wife arrived home, and she got mad at me for being rude. FML

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By AlexaSt2611 - Paraguay

Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

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By flopsy - Australia

Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML

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By not that kinda squirting

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

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By Anonymous

Keep in touch

Today on my birthday, my wife thought it would be a good idea to get matching tattoos. Our tattoo artist happened to be her ex-boyfriend. I sat and listened to them talk about their relationship and how they should stay in touch. FML

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By not helping - 17/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Co-parenting

Today, I confiscated my daughter’s tablet, phone and laptop after I caught her exchanging nudes with boys. My ex then called me in a rage, threatening to take me to court over “stealing his belongings” since he purchased them. No concern for our daughter’s behavior, just him wanting the stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nutley

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

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By vadoodoo22 - France

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My bestfriend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML

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By mister_pinky - United States - Portland

Today, I returned to my teaching job at a local community college after surfing for the weekend. I'd got sunburned, one student immediately noticed and said to me, "Morning, Mr. Pinky!" Now they all do it. My students are assholes. I hate teaching. FML

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By alex - United States

Today, I tried to make a rocket, using Diet Coke and Mentos. It worked pretty well, as both the kitchen window and my chipped tooth can testify. FML

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By echo - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I offered my friend $150 to drop my girl and me off for at the airport. He's poor, so I try to help him out by paying for rides. My girl being with me, I asked him not to smoke weed while driving. He turned down the job because he needs a minimum of two blunts for the trip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw an elaborate surprise birthday party for my boyfriend of four years. He thought we were going to a quiet dinner but when we arrived, thirty of his friends jumped out and surprised him. Instead of kissing me to thank me, he broke up with me because of how easily I had lied to him. FML

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Top comments

By kingkash | 0

#658785 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:23

if it's a he,

then by disturbing he means that you should see him after class

If it's a she,

then she's just jealous.

By kravitzz1990 | 0

#658838 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:55

ROFL!!!! ur teacher is awsome!!!!!! hahaa

COMMENTS

By XxCoolPersonxX | 0

#658780 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:23

oh and first :)

Reply

White667 | 0

#659092 - Saturday 7 November 2009 14:56

It really took you a while?

Also, that's just kinda gross, depending on how old you are a little inappropriate.

Reply

Youdumbidiot | 0

#1009980 - Friday 28 May 2010 5:47

Well if you have hade pratice then it's not that much of an fml

Reply

mydgmax | 0

#2295879 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 1:50

haha your teacher is a pedo. that's sad

Reply

hurtandabused | 7

#3777247 - Friday 23 December 2011 18:42

It's funny how your name is you dumb idiot when you cannot spell XD

By kingkash | 0

#658785 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:23

if it's a he,

then by disturbing he means that you should see him after class

If it's a she,

then she's just jealous.

Reply

SadinSherman | 16

#1596486 - Sunday 24 October 2010 20:36

Maybe the teacher thinks OP will be a good bartender.

Reply

lurveu_mysweet_t | 0

#2832067 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 19:22

or good at hand jobs! duh. hehe

Reply

SpicyDuck | 22

#5238007 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 18:35

Maybe that little symbol in the corner means OP is a dude...

Reply

mikeman1744 | 18

#6332754 - Friday 26 June 2015 12:19

I'm pretty sure he's referring to the gender of the teacher

By XxCoolPersonxX | 0

#658802 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:30

aww my other comment didn't show "/
i said "bahahahaha that's hella funny it took me a while to get but wow that's funny lol =D

Reply

StaticDown | 0

#658861 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:15

Your comment shows. And to OP Damn... LMAO

Reply

mackischillin | 5

#5300369 - Monday 31 December 2012 23:50

You're a dumbass

By Wankster | 0

#658812 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:43

FIRST!!!

By kravitzz1990 | 0

#658838 - Saturday 7 November 2009 8:55

ROFL!!!! ur teacher is awsome!!!!!! hahaa

Reply

AssassinsCRB | 0

#3974902 - Wednesday 1 February 2012 6:40

Lol once a kid in my math class said "my compass isnt big enough, oh never mind" and my teacher said "thats what she said" lmao i laughed so hard

By portlandrima | 0

#658852 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:09

lmao if you are in college, give him a blowjob for extra credit!

Reply

highfiveee | 0

#2948711 - Friday 22 July 2011 5:06

ewww...

Reply

alexm501 | 0

#4463508 - Monday 21 May 2012 17:47

Wtf is wrong with you.

By kravitzz1990 | 0

#658857 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:11

its funnier if ur teacher was right.. LMAO

Reply

Gennnnnn | 0

#1211338 - Monday 9 August 2010 12:12

Is Yourr Teacher Righttt Ahhha

By M13LO | 0

#658862 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:16

it's only on FML because you know it's true :p

By nyuu1234 | 0

#658867 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:24

so YDI

By Mx_Rider | 6

#658888 - Saturday 7 November 2009 9:57

:D hj noicccceeeee