Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

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33474

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Age ain't nothing but a number

Not now, mom!

By misi

Today, my mother threw a fit because the psychologist she got me suggested I visit a psychiatrist. Apparently, it's my fault because I "choose" to be so "crazy". FML

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1586

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109

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By Philip - Australia

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

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7694

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1592

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By lifesux - United States

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

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40238

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

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54696

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28322

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By notsofriendly - United States - Austin

Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38695

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Today, my flatmate wanted to introduce me to his new friend, saying we'd, "get along great". Within the first half hour, she'd used the word "lit" eight times, and dabbed four times. FML

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7075

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By badsitter

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

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4149

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By loser - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my guy friends actually hang out with me at my house all the time is because they think my mom is hot. FML

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27400

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out through his Facebook update and a text message that my fiancé demoted me to girlfriend status. I was sitting in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35644

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter came home in tears, completely distraught. It took half an hour to convince her to tell me what was wrong. What horrific thing happened to her? One of her friends wore the same outfit as her to the movies, and apparently that's a betrayal of their friendship. FML

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40735

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By helpme - United States - Annapolis

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

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25493

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By Anonymous - Australia - Picton

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML

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38906

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By NotAnUglyBaby - Mexico - C?rdoba

Today, while vacationing, a small boy asked to see the baby I was holding, wrapped in a blanket. I showed him, and his face reflexively scrunched up. The boy's mother came and apologized to me. Her face scrunched up too. FML

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20260

You deserved it

1890

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML

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40060

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2020 20:00 - United States - San Francisco

Three kids?

Today, I got the results proving if my ex-girlfriend's kid was mine. The results came back negative and I can't have kids. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have 3 kids with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2985

You deserved it

286

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By nevercatchabreak - United States - Burgettstown

Today, tired of everyone forgetting my birthday, I traveled half way around the world to spend my 40th at a five star resort just to try and make it special. The hotel brought me a cake with someone else's name on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51996

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4244

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By noneedtostress - Australia

Today, I realised my period was two weeks late and panicked about being pregnant due to missing a pill a few weeks ago. Then I remembered I haven't had sex in almost a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39713

You deserved it

10414

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Cork

Today, I was on a rowing machine at the gym, listening to a podcast. Something funny was said, I laughed, lost my balance and fell off, with my feet still stuck in the footrests. Someone had to come and help me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20779

You deserved it

5040

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By fazzems - Canada

Today, I had a video call with a couple of old friends, but the conversation sort of got boring, so I started mouthing words so they'd think the connection was bad and end the awkwardness. Then, as soon as they hung up the call, I realized I'd left my music on in the background the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6591

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70434

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By how bout no! - 9/10/2020 17:01 - United States - Hesperia

Not gonna happen

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years said that he wants to marry and spend his life with me. But first he wants to go be wild and single for a few years before settling down. Not only does he not see a problem with this, he expects me to wait and be faithful to him while he “gets it out of his system”. FML

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1497

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while with my new boyfriend, my ex called to tell me I needed to go to the doctor to get checked out. He had gotten an STD from the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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42108

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By Anonymous - United States - Lindale

Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing my favorite pair of high heels, I got superglue in my eye. They had to scrape my cornea and I have to wear an eye patch. I'm now the "new pirate" in the office. FML

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15727

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By suzyyy - Netherlands

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

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22971

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By theunluckylifeofme - United States - Gilroy

Today, while I was working the drive-thru, a couple came through. As I was handing back their change they began giggling. I looked down to see the man's sex-nose fully erect. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46618

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By o.v. - Bangladesh

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML

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16046

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47478

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By cydia123

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

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1912

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By bluedevil26 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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49441

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from this girl I really like. Surprised, as I never get anything other than a text from her, I answered. All I heard were rustling sounds. She had pocket dialed me. FML

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31294

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends staged an intervention. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, and I own my own house. My car is paid for and my job pays well. Apparently, I need an intervention because my life is not where they want it to be, which involves me being married with children. FML

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41180

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By xtilltheendx - 5/10/2020 20:08 - United States

Thin walls

Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML

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472

You deserved it

1184

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By AV - Bulgaria - Tsaratsovo

Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19021

You deserved it

5955

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By pathetic - Poland - Warsaw

Don't feed the trolls

Today, I was trolling in a chat room when someone said, quote, "He's just a no-life, unemployed loser still living in his mom's basement. Probably spends all day stroking his tiny dong and fantasizing about having a real girlfriend." I actually started crying because it was so accurate. FML

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16133

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By fuckingcool

Today, my mother once again brought up how I would have done so much better in my Track season if I just smiled while I ran. Apparently, if you just smile, your brain won't know you're in pain. I don't think it works like that, but thanks for the advice mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13549

You deserved it

1015

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By married to a nerd

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1767

You deserved it

3843

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By gamerguru13 - United States - New York

Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML

I agree, your life sucks

58791

You deserved it

4236

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 08:00

WTF people?!

Today, as an essential worker, some lady tore me a new one because we were out of large sanitizer bottles. Our doors opened at 9 a.m. and she didn't show up until 2 p.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1548

You deserved it

101

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By Baby eater - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

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51358

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44218

You deserved it

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By anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was doing a science presentation about glucose. There was around 20 judges at the event who could've judged me, but instead I got judged by the only person in the whole entire world who doesn't know what glucose is and doesn't think it exists. FML

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47100

You deserved it

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By ugh annoying - United States

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

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37092

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Top comments

By chineseguy | 0

#1686332 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:09

you gotta go when you gotta go!

By Darko21 | 5

#1686376 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:12

Old man 1.

Anonymous man 0.

COMMENTS

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#1686313 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:07

I have a hard time believing this, but if it really did happen, that sucks!

Bcaw | 0

#1686360 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:11

sorry man, I really had to go

marinus_fml | 19

#1686373 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:12

Don't doubt it's validity! You risk getting banned.

By chineseguy | 0

#1686332 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:09

you gotta go when you gotta go!

iSitt | 0

#1686522 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:30

As you get older, you learn to appreciate the simpler things.

panchod1234 | 0

#1686656 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:51

should have scooped his poop...
whatever happened to bieng a good boy

MaximilianMarche | 0

#1688961 - Friday 12 November 2010 16:47

topping for your sammich op

Lucidium | 0

#1690427 - Friday 12 November 2010 23:33

Today I read an FML of how a guy sat down next to someone eating their lunch, and took a dump. I was eating my breakfast, FML.

johnnyexpl0sion | 0

#1690965 - Saturday 13 November 2010 2:30

Man, I hope I'm this awesome when i get older..

mandy_Reeves | 0

#1692141 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:58

did he then steal your sandwich and run?

emo_fail_child | 0

#1703765 - Monday 15 November 2010 7:12

where I come from the sidewalk shits on the old man :)

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3849907 - Sunday 8 January 2012 12:23

True but eew

By marleyvk | 0

#1686338 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:10

So.....? Be nice and go get him some toilet paper!

marleyvk | 0

#1686483 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:24

k whah?

marleyvk | 0

#1686491 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:25

the pic before was of the director quentin tarantino...

Infamous_Hawk | 6

#1692235 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:26

penis

gabsta | 3

#1693057 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:47

hahahahhaa

By PurpleAddict | 0

#1686364 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:11

Did you hurl your lunch out?

daymann | 0

#1692564 - Saturday 13 November 2010 8:15

did you word something awkwardly?

By Darko21 | 5

#1686376 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:12

Old man 1.

Anonymous man 0.

By chelle_starlight | 0

#1686378 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:12

wow...there has been a lot of these fml posts lately...I guess people don't use restrooms anymore...

marinus_fml | 19

#1686395 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:14

And when they do, the try taking 'standing dumps' and shit all over the floor.

chelle_starlight | 0

#1686436 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:17

^^^ lmao

By cdatribe23 | 0

#1686392 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:13

I woulda done the same thing:D
jk;)

an_villian | 0

#1690349 - Friday 12 November 2010 22:37

do it! no jk

cdatribe23 | 0

#1691436 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:58

don't push me guys! I just might!!! lol jk

By MrDeconstruct | 0

#1686404 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:14

Yum, the dookie lunch special.

By marinus_fml | 19

#1686432 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:17

That has got to be the most used joke on this website.

By dynky | 3

#1686438 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:17

poor guy. can you imagine what it's like to live on the street with no access to a bathroom?

anorexicbarbie | 8

#1686477 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:23

No access to a bathroom? Where do you live? There's public bathrooms almost everywhere...

deven329 | 1

#1703406 - Monday 15 November 2010 5:22

ppublic bathrooms! the guys probly old and confused