Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his...

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Great boyfriend

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 15:01

Deez nutz hurtz

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

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By juliette - 8/10/2012 05:39 - United States - Tucson

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

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By cantgetabreak - 13/12/2016 18:50

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not finishing my work on time. Yesterday, she cut an hour from my schedule every day until further notice. FML

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By Tights2Tight - 19/12/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I was at the local theatre watching "The Nutcracker" ballet with my mother. When the prince made his appearance in his tights my mother leans over to me and says, "Those are some well defined butt cheeks!" loud enough for everyone around us to hear. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2015 05:10 - United States

Today, my husband missed the toilet again. I would have been less disgusted if he'd peed this time. FML

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By DCarreon - 4/10/2012 07:13 - United States - Ceres

Today, my seemingly normal girlfriend decided to erase every girl's name out of my phone. Family and all. FML

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By missunlucky - 18/2/2010 00:24 - Czech Republic

Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2014 08:13 - United States - Seaside

Today, at work, I gave a piece of candy to a co-worker I have a crush on. She looked at me weirdly and walked away. I then remembered that my friend wrote "penis" on the wrapper. FML

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By funnygirl018 - 28/5/2013 22:14 - United States

Today, it was my very last day teaching my dance class. After the class ended, the owner of the studio started clapping and told all my students to give me a hug. No one hugged me. No one. FML

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By - 9/1/2017 20:30

Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML

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By dgordo3 - 9/2/2009 01:01 - United States

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!" FML

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By Aryah - 17/12/2016 16:43 - United States - Irving

Today, I found out why the temps were not invited to the company Christmas party. The company paid for the regular employees to go to a nice restaurant, gave them nice presents, and handed out substantial bonuses. They keep telling me they can't hire me on because the company can't afford it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 08:19 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, my family and I went to feed carrots to the giraffes at the zoo. After I finished my first cup of carrots, I turned back to get some more. Suddenly, I was jerked back and a chunk of my hair was ripped out. The giraffe mistook the orange barrette in my hair for a carrot. FML

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By makeupsex - 14/2/2012 11:25 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he put me through so much heartache last year was because the make-up sex was awesome. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 21:46 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents remembered that I loved German chocolate cake, so I awoke to a hot, fudge-filled chocolate cake with a slice cut out just for me. I've been lactose-intolerant for 8 years. As I cried, my mom handed me tissues, while eating the "Happy" part of my cake. FML

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By givemestrength - 14/8/2014 10:31 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss expects me to conduct a meeting with a client, give him all the info he needs, and manage his campaign. This is because he fired the "expensive" marketing director and wants me, the intern, to continue his work. FML

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By chichi - 7/2/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I went to Subway to grab some lunch. As I was paying, the cashier gave me a tip. He told me of a great acne medication that would do wonders. Thanks. FML

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By Doy - 19/12/2011 06:31 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't know what I was going to do over the Christmas holidays since he was going to be out of the country. He suggested that I work out and do some sit-ups. FML

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By Anon - 4/1/2018 15:00

Epic Boss Battle

Today, hoping to seal the deal on a promotion, I had my boss over for dinner. My dad, who lives with me, started ranting about homosexuals burning in hell. My boss’s daughter is a lesbian. Now my dad’s nose is broken and I fear for my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 14:16 - Australia - Sandringham

Today, I realised that I only get dandruff when I'm stressed about having dandruff. Which is whenever I have dandruff. FML

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By ishouldhidethekeys - 4/11/2009 08:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my son thought he'd take my new car for a drive without permission. He accelerated straight into a tree, reversed into a lamppost and then accelerated again into the neighbours car. FML

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By ashamedklutz - 22/2/2014 00:20 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, with a single misstep, I managed to send myself and several others tumbling down a stairwell at work. An ambulance ended up having to be called for one lady. FML

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By fmfl - 17/11/2009 21:19 - United States

Today, I found a gift card under my bed that I lost a few months ago for $400 to a store that went out of business last week. FML

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By Greg - 11/2/2013 04:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I got left in the middle of slow dancing with a girl I liked. She came back and said, "Sorry, I had to make sure the guy I really like knows that I don't like you." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 20:53 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 16:04 - Canada - Richmond

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2015 02:05

Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML

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By wooowmom - 5/6/2011 01:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2011 14:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that I can fit back into the clothes I wore in High School. I was proud of this until my husband told me that I look like a stuffed sausage in them. FML

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By -_- - 21/9/2017 16:00

Google Maps strikes again!

Today, I went shopping for some nice clothing for work. Annoyed that the first two stores I went to didn't have anything, I drove to a store in an unfamiliar part of the city. Not only did Google Maps direct me to a store that doesn't exist, but my car broke down in the parking lot. FML

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By TooShortToCleanThat - 20/3/2015 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

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By klee - 8/2/2009 05:21 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 22:00 - United States

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

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By anonymous - 10/6/2009 22:50 - United States

Today, I decided to go swimming. I knew my technique would be off because I haven't swam since high school. It was when I made it only halfway across the pool that the lifeguard decided to jump in and save me. I wasn't drowning or struggling. FML

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By InsaneIdiots - 7/6/2019 04:10

Today, after recovering from surgery, I was leaving the clinic when a bucket of red paint was thrown at me, and a woman shouted that I was a murderer. I replied, "Sorry, would you like me to ask the doctor for my ovarian cyst back so I can pretend it was a fetus?" She hit me with her handbag. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2013 16:54 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I discovered the source of the vile stench in my room. My daughter had "saved" a bird from our cat and put it in a box under my bed, hoping to nurse it back to health. She forgot about it, leaving the corpse rotting in there for who knows how long. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 23:25 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, my grandparents came over to visit. I'm still not sure if they came to see me or my dog. FML

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By Busted - 21/10/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty heated. Trying to be sexy, I told him that every time we touched was a guilty pleasure. He rolled off of me, and said "Oh, you're married too?" FML

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Top comments

By chineseguy | 0

#1686332 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:09

you gotta go when you gotta go!

By Darko21 | 5

#1686376 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:12

Old man 1.

Anonymous man 0.

COMMENTS

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#1686313 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:07

I have a hard time believing this, but if it really did happen, that sucks!

Bcaw | 0

#1686360 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:11

sorry man, I really had to go

marinus_fml | 19

#1686373 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:12

Don't doubt it's validity! You risk getting banned.

By chineseguy | 0

#1686332 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:09

you gotta go when you gotta go!

iSitt | 0

#1686522 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:30

As you get older, you learn to appreciate the simpler things.

panchod1234 | 0

#1686656 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:51

should have scooped his poop...
whatever happened to bieng a good boy

MaximilianMarche | 0

#1688961 - Friday 12 November 2010 16:47

topping for your sammich op

Lucidium | 0

#1690427 - Friday 12 November 2010 23:33

Today I read an FML of how a guy sat down next to someone eating their lunch, and took a dump. I was eating my breakfast, FML.

johnnyexpl0sion | 0

#1690965 - Saturday 13 November 2010 2:30

Man, I hope I'm this awesome when i get older..

mandy_Reeves | 0

#1692141 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:58

did he then steal your sandwich and run?

emo_fail_child | 0

#1703765 - Monday 15 November 2010 7:12

where I come from the sidewalk shits on the old man :)

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3849907 - Sunday 8 January 2012 12:23

True but eew

By marleyvk | 0

#1686338 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:10

So.....? Be nice and go get him some toilet paper!

marleyvk | 0

#1686483 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:24

k whah?

marleyvk | 0

#1686491 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:25

the pic before was of the director quentin tarantino...

Infamous_Hawk | 6

#1692235 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:26

penis

gabsta | 3

#1693057 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:47

hahahahhaa

By PurpleAddict | 0

#1686364 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:11

Did you hurl your lunch out?

daymann | 0

#1692564 - Saturday 13 November 2010 8:15

did you word something awkwardly?

By Darko21 | 5

#1686376 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:12

Old man 1.

Anonymous man 0.

By chelle_starlight | 0

#1686378 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:12

wow...there has been a lot of these fml posts lately...I guess people don't use restrooms anymore...

marinus_fml | 19

#1686395 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:14

And when they do, the try taking 'standing dumps' and shit all over the floor.

chelle_starlight | 0

#1686436 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:17

^^^ lmao

By cdatribe23 | 0

#1686392 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:13

I woulda done the same thing:D
jk;)

an_villian | 0

#1690349 - Friday 12 November 2010 22:37

do it! no jk

cdatribe23 | 0

#1691436 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:58

don't push me guys! I just might!!! lol jk

By MrDeconstruct | 0

#1686404 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:14

Yum, the dookie lunch special.

By marinus_fml | 19

#1686432 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:17

That has got to be the most used joke on this website.

By dynky | 3

#1686438 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:17

poor guy. can you imagine what it's like to live on the street with no access to a bathroom?

anorexicbarbie | 8

#1686477 - Friday 12 November 2010 9:23

No access to a bathroom? Where do you live? There's public bathrooms almost everywhere...

deven329 | 1

#1703406 - Monday 15 November 2010 5:22

ppublic bathrooms! the guys probly old and confused