Work: Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning... - FML

By crosseyed - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Pompous twat

The one with the asshole friend

By blabbermouth - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend and I made love for the first time. Before we left his house so he could walk me home, I fixed my hair by the hall mirror and joked about having serious sex hair. My boyfriend quickly reminded me that his incredibly religious mother was in the next room. FML

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By iMarriedmymother - United States

Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML

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By stairmaster

Today, while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriend's parents' house during my walk of shame, I fell down the stairs, spilling cherry coke all over myself, their walls, and the carpet. FML

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By Cass - Australia

Today, I got the feeling that my phone smelt of cigarettes and B.O. I smelt it, realised that it was my hands that smelt, then got confused and thought maybe it was my nose piercing that smelt. I then realised my psychology class was watching me trying to smell my own nose. FML

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By nevergoingonabusagain - Canada

Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. I noticed that a creepy guy sitting in front of me had a boner, so I took a few steps back. Suddenly the bus went through something like a speed bump, which caused me to fall and sit on the man's lap. FML

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By atleastshelldiefirst - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping, when an elderly lady walked up to me and tripped over her own feet. I caught her by the arm, at which point she shrieked at me for "groping" her. She ended up smirking as security threw me out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was insulted online by a teenager who said that I was probably a fat loser that still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML

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By Sleepy - United Kingdom - Hayes

Today, I fell asleep at my desk. It's bad enough that it was for 45 minutes and that I was snoring. What makes it worse? My boss woke me up. FML

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By Pain - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

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By tortured - United States

Today, my coworkers were bored. To solve this, they taped me to a chair and tried tickling me to death. My boss joined in. FML

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By NinjaTurtle93 - 17/2/2021 21:30

Sketchy-looking dude

Today, I overheard a lady tell her child in a store that, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll tell that guy over there to take you away.” She was referring to me. FML

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By satega - United States - Smithville

Today, I asked my manager if wearing makeup was a requirement for the job. She told me, "Not if you're naturally pretty... So for you, yes". FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

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By psychworker - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

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By pinocchio - United States

Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn't go. My wife went without me anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

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By ari - United States

Wankers of the world unite!

Today, I found out why teenage boys have "Keep out" and "Please knock" signs on their bedroom doors. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my wife, daughter, and I get to spend the next 4 hours in the ER. Why? Because we're all throwing up at the same time. At least it counts as a family activity. FML

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By teaspoonzz

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

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By ohdeargodthatswrong - United Kingdom

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML

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By Xena

Today, I was at our hotel waiting for my husband to finish his shower so we could have our anniversary dinner, when hotel security forcefully removed me from the building because they do not allow "prostitutes" to look for clients on their property. They thought I was a hooker. FML

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By Amber C - United States

Today, I realized my daughter has been in longer relationships than I have. FML

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By single and not mingling - Canada

Today, my coworker told me she knew about my secret boyfriend because she has a "sixth sense" about these things. I'm too embarrassed to tell her I'm desperately single and the last date I went on was three years ago. FML

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By beekeke45 - United States

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

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By MEW - United States

Frustration level: infinity

Today, I was working drive thru and took a huge order. When the people pulled around to the window, they handed me a stack of coupons. None of the coupons were even related to what they ordered. They made me change their order to fit the coupons because they couldn't read. FML

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By Hairball - United States

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

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By aprilfools22 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

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By Anonymous

Kids, eh?

Today, I was with my four year-old daughter when we met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman I know. My daughter looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was attacked by a bird at 3 in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No-one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

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By uppiskalle - United States - Riverside

Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 01:01 - United States - Atoka

Leave spiders alone

Today, I took a stick lighter and used it to set a large spider on fire to kill it, as stepping on it could possibly release its babies if it were a momma. I ignited more than the spider, and had to call the fire department. FML

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By pixie - United States

Smooth talker

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said, "You smell really good." He turned to me and said, "You don't." FML

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By I'm screwed - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, after I got home from a long day at work. I go inside my room and find a life-size cut out of Miley Cyrus. I don't know how it got here. I'm the only person with a key to my apartment. FML

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By CantPublish - United States

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left their sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

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By duhitskelly94 - United States

Today, I drove 150 miles to see one of my favorite singers in concert. Before I got out of the car I checked to make sure I had the tickets. Did I have the tickets? Yes. Were they for today's concert? Nope. FML

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By Greg - 29/8/2020 05:01

Lovely Rita

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

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By Tom - United States

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

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By tee - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

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Top comments

By julvett | 0

#291467 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

She probably spit in your food...

By Aciliveth | 5

#291469 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

Oh man. I hope you apologized and explained yourself. And even then...

COMMENTS

By WhiteDelight | 4

#291458 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:01

im first! and that sucks

By robbi_boo | 0

#291459 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:01

hahaha wow you screwed that up

Reply

katierenee | 0

#934604 - Thursday 11 March 2010 3:48

woww haha too funni

Reply

ShadowLuffer | 0

#3228993 - Saturday 3 September 2011 18:52

Sucks to be you... O.o

By julvett | 0

#291467 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

She probably spit in your food...

Reply

GamerChik | 2

#1175323 - Monday 2 August 2010 9:00

lol wow

Reply

morgann4826 | 0

#1626842 - Saturday 30 October 2010 17:19

lmao I hope

By tko | 0

#291468 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

haha lol u idiot

By Aciliveth | 5

#291469 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

Oh man. I hope you apologized and explained yourself. And even then...

Reply

krr10 | 5

#4846877 - Wednesday 22 August 2012 6:49

Try using the line 'I can see why your eyes can't stop staring at each other...'

By buckfasthero | 0

#291473 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:04

whahahahahahaha. Guess who's getting their food spat in every day!

Reply

cheerbabe3254 | 4

#3951181 - Friday 27 January 2012 13:35

Ur picture is creepy and r u really dead cuz that is what ur info says

By RandR | 0

#291475 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:04

Wow, that sucks. I don't blame you though, I can see how that would happen.

But to be her.. ouch. Get her flowers or some shit man. Poor girl :(

Reply

texasmadeG | 0

#864878 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 8:36

agree with #7

By Naheelawhatwhat | 0

#291476 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:04

Never make fun of those different from you, unless you want something bad to happen to you. Stupid.

By chunkofchange | 0

#291486 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:05

lmfao! of all the faces to make

By poopy910 | 8

#291492 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:05

ouch... i understand that you were trying to be funny but next time? no cross eyes.