Work: Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning... - FML

By crosseyed - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15292

You deserved it

74348

Tweet

Share

Walk on the wild side

Family values

Mystery

By omgjessp - United States

Today, my cat came through my window, holding a dead rat in her mouth and dropped it in my pile of clothes. I then asked my dad if he could get the dead rat out of my room. After looking for an hour, he couldn't find it. Guess the rat wasn't dead after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45502

You deserved it

3960

Tweet

Share

By Sash - United Kingdom

Today, I dressed up for a date. After waiting for hours, sending countless texts and voice mails to my date, and thinking I'd been stood up, I remembered my date is actually scheduled for tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10584

You deserved it

38195

Tweet

Share

By nsJ - United States

Today, I got an email from a Scholarship Program reminding me that they had rejected me 3 months ago. Thanks for reminding me I might not make it to college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49999

You deserved it

3516

Tweet

Share

By AbFlab - United States

Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34704

You deserved it

5196

Tweet

Share

By cgold - United States

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89074

You deserved it

8806

Tweet

Share

By Baldy - New Zealand

Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48496

You deserved it

4750

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28889

You deserved it

5200

Tweet

Share

By pipers - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1981

You deserved it

246

Tweet

Share

By thankskimi - United States

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

565581

You deserved it

40125

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that my roommate secretly edited a paper I wrote and recently turned in, so that it repeatedly refers to the famed author "Kneel Gayman." I'm positive that's not how it's spelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37557

You deserved it

3326

Tweet

Share

By owmyballs - Thailand

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9046

You deserved it

37151

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the foundation I've been using for the past month isn't normal foundation, its skin darkening foundation. I look like an oompa loompa from the neck up. It won't go away for another month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11817

You deserved it

35709

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49090

You deserved it

5868

Tweet

Share

By ???? - United States

Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29826

You deserved it

6654

Tweet

Share

By Msmerfner - United States - Hemet

Today, I was trying to be sexy in the bathtub for my boyfriend. I leaned back and caught my hair on fire with the candle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48385

You deserved it

16047

Tweet

Share

By Chubby - United States - Lake Worth

Today, my grandmother came to visit and asked me, "Did you change your hair, or are you just fatter now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

29995

You deserved it

3007

Tweet

Share

By Flipside - United States

Today, as I was driving home, I saw a woman get hit by a car. I immediately parked on the side of the road to assist her. I called an ambulance and stayed with her until they came to get her, comforting her all the while. When I returned to my car, I found a parking ticket in my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

112527

You deserved it

6425

Tweet

Share

By ChimerV - France - Champenoux

Today, a customer limped over to me in one of the dishwasher aisles and asked if we sold dishwashers. I said yes and pointed at all the dishwashers. He looked around for a couple of seconds, belched, then said "Oh... right!" and walked off. No commission for me, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28400

You deserved it

4122

Tweet

Share

By pandroida - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted to checking out other girls when he's with me. In his defense, "he doesn't look at their face or boobs. Just their ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21218

You deserved it

5716

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, my boyfriend gave me an anniversary present to mark 5 years of us being together. It was a Mooncup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35648

You deserved it

4886

Tweet

Share

By grandma - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41688

You deserved it

7184

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent two hours filling out an online application and questionnaire for a potential employer. The application stated that there were no right or wrong answers and to answer truthfully. I was automatically rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27329

You deserved it

5365

Tweet

Share

By JSF1234 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65000

You deserved it

3511

Tweet

Share

By comphone - France

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27286

You deserved it

9579

Tweet

Share

By I Heart My Cats and Dogs

Pet Store Madness

Today, I was filling out an application for a job at a local pet store. At the end of it, they wanted a paragraph about any pets I had. After a while, I found myself finishing a 3-page essay about them. That's the longest essay I've ever written. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1186

You deserved it

465

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33754

You deserved it

5128

Tweet

Share

By Alexandra - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my fiancé completely missed the birth of our first child because he had started watching a new series on Netflix and really wanted to know how it ended. By the time he made it to the hospital our daughter was already 7 hours old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12646

You deserved it

982

Tweet

Share

By ballnchain - United States

Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48398

You deserved it

19916

Tweet

Share

By danmarino - United States

Today, these kids in my math class told me to ask this girl if I could lick her clit. I basically yelled, "What's a clit?" Everyone looked at me. I'm a senior in high school, no one has yet to explain it to me. I had to google it when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39676

You deserved it

83542

Tweet

Share

By Kate - United States

Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14583

You deserved it

44022

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 02:02

All in the family

Today, I found out my boyfriend of a year is actually my cousin. Thanks, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

887

You deserved it

75

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Front line workers

Today, my partner and I got called out to a domestic disturbance. Things turned ugly while we were en-route. Long story short, I now know how many grown men it takes to lift a nearly 400lb shit-covered woman onto a stretcher. I almost reconsidered my choice of career. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22798

You deserved it

1733

Tweet

Share

By Smittynumerouno - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had an old man yell in my face because the boxes in our store only had Spanish words on them. I spent 15 minutes apologizing and trying to explain that the English was on the back side. He stormed out before I could even show him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10674

You deserved it

904

Tweet

Share

By em from Cali - United States - Visalia

Today, a homeless lady decided she needed to change underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. I turned around just in time to see her legs in the air with no undies on. I can never eat salami again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25389

You deserved it

2506

Tweet

Share

By UnderAcheiver - United States - Cypress

Today, my new supervisor arrived after my old one had transferred away and we had a quick evaluation meeting. As it turns out, I'm not actually a good employee like I thought. I just had a shitty boss who didn't care enough to let me know I wasn't meeting company standards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13465

You deserved it

1644

Tweet

Share

By wideawakeandinpain - United States

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31943

You deserved it

3108

Tweet

Share

By itisthedude - United States

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15785

You deserved it

76455

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 17:02 - United States - San Mateo

What's up, doc?

Today, I was spending time with my affectionate pet rabbit. He was hanging out with me on my bed as usual. After I finished giving him a long and thorough head rub, he thanked me by emptying his bladder on my leg. What is that, marking me as his property? True affection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

871

You deserved it

212

Tweet

Share

By taintedlover - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend admitted to my best friend that she basically just sees me as a dildo with annoying emotions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57011

You deserved it

7538

Tweet

Share

By justanidiot - 20/9/2020 22:01 - United States - Macon

Vibe check

Today, I've been getting weird vibes from my boyfriend of over a year and half, so I made a fake Tinder account. Guess who my first match was? My now ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1258

You deserved it

158

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By julvett | 0

#291467 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

She probably spit in your food...

By Aciliveth | 5

#291469 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

Oh man. I hope you apologized and explained yourself. And even then...

COMMENTS

By WhiteDelight | 4

#291458 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:01

im first! and that sucks

By robbi_boo | 0

#291459 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:01

hahaha wow you screwed that up

Reply

katierenee | 0

#934604 - Thursday 11 March 2010 3:48

woww haha too funni

Reply

ShadowLuffer | 0

#3228993 - Saturday 3 September 2011 18:52

Sucks to be you... O.o

By julvett | 0

#291467 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

She probably spit in your food...

Reply

GamerChik | 2

#1175323 - Monday 2 August 2010 9:00

lol wow

Reply

morgann4826 | 0

#1626842 - Saturday 30 October 2010 17:19

lmao I hope

By tko | 0

#291468 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

haha lol u idiot

By Aciliveth | 5

#291469 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

Oh man. I hope you apologized and explained yourself. And even then...

Reply

krr10 | 5

#4846877 - Wednesday 22 August 2012 6:49

Try using the line 'I can see why your eyes can't stop staring at each other...'

By buckfasthero | 0

#291473 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:04

whahahahahahaha. Guess who's getting their food spat in every day!

Reply

cheerbabe3254 | 4

#3951181 - Friday 27 January 2012 13:35

Ur picture is creepy and r u really dead cuz that is what ur info says

By RandR | 0

#291475 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:04

Wow, that sucks. I don't blame you though, I can see how that would happen.

But to be her.. ouch. Get her flowers or some shit man. Poor girl :(

Reply

texasmadeG | 0

#864878 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 8:36

agree with #7

By Naheelawhatwhat | 0

#291476 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:04

Never make fun of those different from you, unless you want something bad to happen to you. Stupid.

By chunkofchange | 0

#291486 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:05

lmfao! of all the faces to make

By poopy910 | 8

#291492 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:05

ouch... i understand that you were trying to be funny but next time? no cross eyes.