Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning... - FML

By crosseyed - 10/6/2009 19:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

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Understandable

The student becomes the master

Live dumping

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML

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By Imslow - 5/4/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, I found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that I was mentally handicapped. All this time I wasn't sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me. Now they won't believe me when I tell them I'm a 4.0 GPA student. FML

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By Andrea Trevor - 7/8/2018 15:00

Still counts!

Today, I finally did the splits for the first time in my life! Unfortunately, it happened when I stepped in wet dog poop on my kitchen floor. One foot slipped forward in it, and I fell right on top of it. FML

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By the_music_major - 19/10/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

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By Oops - 14/1/2010 15:55 - United States

Today, while at work at a maternity and baby clothes store, I was supposed to send out an email about our "Beat the Clock" sale. After it was sent to over 500 people, I realized that I'd misspelled the subject line. It read, "Beat the Cock Sale." FML

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By meeranda - 1/1/2010 05:07 - France

Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. Did I mention doggie style? FML

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By Baustigt - 22/8/2013 14:48 - Australia - Perth

Today, someone on Facebook posted a really tiny picture that I couldn't read properly, so I responded, "What is this? A picture for ants?!" Turns out it was a commentary about rape, and now I look like an insensitive jackass. FML

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By bursteardrums - 16/8/2011 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML

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By skunkcat - 11/3/2020 21:00 - United States

Smelly business

Today, I was drunk in a hotel lobby with some of my cousins. I went out on the patio to get some fresh air when I saw a black cat in the bushes. I went straight over to it and started to pet it. I realized too late that the black cat was actually a skunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2013 19:19 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was told by a friend that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. Her defence was that if I had a bigger dick she wouldn't have been, in her words, forced to go elsewhere for sex. My mother's response when I confided this in her: "Ask me if I care." FML

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By Sonic - 15/1/2010 16:50 - United States

Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML

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By Lily - 9/6/2012 23:43 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 08:55 - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By Rick - 28/7/2011 10:51 - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

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By everore - 25/12/2012 18:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

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By ECullen - 21/5/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I was talking to this guy that I like a lot and I think he likes me back. When he told me I was beautiful I laughed so hard that I farted. Loudly. FML

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By nobodyreadsmyemails - 27/10/2009 22:24 - Canada

Today, I noticed that I've been spelling my company's name wrong in my email signature for over a year. FML

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By skjjj - 26/4/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We came late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML

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By dumbbus - 1/4/2015 23:24 - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, I got an expensive return bus ticket to visit my family 200 miles away. I accidentally tore the ticket when taking it from the machine, but the driver said not to worry, as it would still be accepted on the way back. Guess who's still 200 miles from home. FML

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By yupimher - 12/10/2019 22:00

The long goodbye

Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

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By fired - 27/6/2012 20:48 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was babysitting a four-year-old girl, when I came across a toy that sang the Macarena. For fun, I decided to teach her the dance. When she showed her parents, instead of putting her hands on her backside and turning, she decided to bend over and moon them. FML

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By Oily - 16/12/2011 09:08 - New Zealand

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

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By Joe - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

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By ITSnotFUNNYtoMEass - 25/5/2009 08:54 - United States

Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML

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By Rescheduled - 28/5/2016 08:44 - United States - Daly City

Today, after waiting months for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in the disease I have, I showed up at his practice, only to find the cops executing a search warrant. FML

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By BossesLittleBrat - 25/9/2016 12:47 - United States - Jamestown

Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML

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By awkward O_o - 24/4/2013 21:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, I got an angry text, asking me why I wasn't at the staff dinner. I've been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I wasn't told about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2016 19:15 - United States - Easley

Today, as I walked around town I noticed some guys and even a couple of girls checked me out. When I got home later I realized they probably weren't checking me out, so much as wondering why the hell I had thick black eyeliner on only one eye. Oops. FML

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By random875 - 7/1/2015 06:03 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 15:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2014 18:41 - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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By - 18/4/2019 00:00

Today, my bird learned how to mimic the fire alarm after my dad has been testing them for the last few months. He now enjoys sounding like a fire alarm anytime I turn the lights off with the other bird joining in. They live in my room. FML

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By alone in ND - 25/7/2019 16:00

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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By gabess - 4/1/2009 01:59 - France

Today, to amuse my girlfriend I put on her sexy nightshirt and go out on the balcony for a smoke, wriggling about in front of her window. She laughs until one of her neighbors shouts "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

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By thanksbaby - 1/6/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

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By Honey Badger - 8/3/2012 05:47 - United States

Today, I was at a meeting. One of the other members decided to share that their cat had passed away recently. I got an uncontrollable nervous laugh, started crying because I was laughing so hard, and left the room while everyone watched in horror. FML

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By Kev - 19/2/2009 23:42 - Canada

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

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By black hoodie - 19/5/2013 23:07 - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

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By nyatzz - 16/11/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, my landlady cut off the Internet to my flat. She says she has no use for it, and doesn't want to keep it anymore. I have 3 online assignments due in the next week, and finals the following week. FML

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Top comments

By julvett | 0

#291467 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

She probably spit in your food...

By Aciliveth | 5

#291469 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

Oh man. I hope you apologized and explained yourself. And even then...

Comments

By WhiteDelight | 4

#291458 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:01

im first! and that sucks

By robbi_boo | 0

#291459 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:01

hahaha wow you screwed that up

Reply

katierenee | 0

#934604 - Thursday 11 March 2010 3:48

woww haha too funni

Reply

ShadowLuffer | 0

#3228993 - Saturday 3 September 2011 18:52

Sucks to be you... O.o

By julvett | 0

#291467 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

She probably spit in your food...

Reply

GamerChik | 2

#1175323 - Monday 2 August 2010 9:00

lol wow

Reply

morgann4826 | 0

#1626842 - Saturday 30 October 2010 17:19

lmao I hope

By tko | 0

#291468 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

haha lol u idiot

By Aciliveth | 5

#291469 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:03

Oh man. I hope you apologized and explained yourself. And even then...

Reply

krr10 | 5

#4846877 - Wednesday 22 August 2012 6:49

Try using the line 'I can see why your eyes can't stop staring at each other...'

By buckfasthero | 0

#291473 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:04

whahahahahahaha. Guess who's getting their food spat in every day!

Reply

cheerbabe3254 | 4

#3951181 - Friday 27 January 2012 13:35

Ur picture is creepy and r u really dead cuz that is what ur info says

By RandR | 0

#291475 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:04

Wow, that sucks. I don't blame you though, I can see how that would happen.

But to be her.. ouch. Get her flowers or some shit man. Poor girl :(

Reply

texasmadeG | 0

#864878 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 8:36

agree with #7

By Naheelawhatwhat | 0

#291476 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:04

Never make fun of those different from you, unless you want something bad to happen to you. Stupid.

By chunkofchange | 0

#291486 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:05

lmfao! of all the faces to make

By poopy910 | 8

#291492 - Thursday 11 June 2009 2:05

ouch... i understand that you were trying to be funny but next time? no cross eyes.