Today, I was getting ready to load my groceries in my car when... - FML

By ctschantz - 6/10/2010 14:29 - France

Today, I was getting ready to load my groceries in my car when my remote wouldn't work and neither would my key to unlock it. A cute young guy came over, not to help but to ask me what the hell I was doing to his car. My car, that looked exactly like his, was on the other side of the lot. FML

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Family values

Workaholic

Overbearing much?

By kylie - 25/12/2018 00:00

Today, I’m trying to be healthy. My friends suggested I keep junk food out of the house so I don’t crave it. Yeah, that didn’t work. My car wouldn’t start so I actually made the four-mile walk to the nearest grocery store to get junk food. FML

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By Anna - 11/10/2019 06:00

Great, some ice cream!

Today, after three years of working at my current occupation, they decided to give me a bonus for all of my hard work and effort. A 5$ gift card to Cold Stone. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2017 07:00 - Canada - Sudbury

If it's brown, let it float around.

Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML

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By dac5 - 12/4/2020 05:00

Lowered expectations

Today, I was told that couldn’t become assistant manager of my job anymore. I already told my family I was going to be one, and they'd all said how proud of me they were. FML

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By Anonynommer - 13/9/2013 23:13 - United States - Holyoke

Today, at my first day on the job, a customer threatened my life because our vending machine had run out of Doritos. FML

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By blue. - 19/5/2011 23:32

Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

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By well okay then - 10/9/2012 04:39 - United States

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2011 22:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2019 22:00

Check out Mr. Moneybags over here!

Today, I found out that my wife has been getting rid of every single item of clothing I didn’t compliment her on. This has probably cost me thousands already. FML

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By death bed - 13/2/2013 17:20 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I finished my shift at the nursing home. There was too much snow on the roads, so most of us had to stay overnight. Not only did I not get to go home, I also got stuck sleeping in the same bed that a resident had died in the night before. FML

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By Vac - 5/4/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. They informed me they were lawyers throughout the meal, which explained the gorgeous house. My boyfriend excitedly told them I was promoted manager at my job. They asked where I work. I work at Burger King. FML

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By O0hdear - 27/8/2015 17:44 - United States - Humble

Today, I went to my fiance's cousin's wedding with him. I got drunk and danced like a stripper in front of his entire extended family, who I'd just met that day. FML

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By Math_Rocker - 2/9/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still when asleep. Nope, not me. Not only had I been violently rocking and nodding my head, the teacher stopped class for everyone to see for 5 minutes as she made jokes. What woke me? The intense laughter followed by embarrassment. FML

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By nomwar - 17/6/2013 13:55 - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

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By DeathPopStar666 - 19/8/2019 14:00

Today, my grandma calls me, accusing me of theft. I was home all day and watching Orange Is The New Black. When I asked what I stole, she said her car keys. I don’t even have my license. I told her to look in her purse. She found them. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2015 03:23 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was volunteering at a gift-wrapping booth to raise money for autism, and helping others takes my mind off the fact that my mom died at Christmas. While carefully wrapping a present, offering bows, ribbons, and a gift tag, a snobby bitch said to me, "You're not doing a very good job." FML

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By wtf bro - 20/5/2015 08:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

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By KittenTime - 26/5/2011 21:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

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By Lady Vulva - 19/9/2015 02:56

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

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By Tytonic - 3/2/2020 14:00 - United States - Chevy Chase

Please, apologize

Today, my teacher yelled at me for using my phone in class. I apologized out loud, knowing that it would help me get off easier. She was yelling at somebody else. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 14:00

Mah freedoms!

Today, my roommate told me she's coming back from her family's large house in Reno to Hawaii, because she "wants to work." We have a 14-day visitor's quarantine. And my workplace extended this to travellers' roommates. FML

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By scared and alone - 13/3/2015 18:47 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I found out my husband has been sleeping with one of the women in our marriage counselling group. FML

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By Overlord247 - 28/6/2019 07:05 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, due to sleep deprivation, I wasn't paying attention to where the elevator stopped. I walked into a flat, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. It was the flat just beneath mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 10:33 - Australia

Today, I temporarily got off the bus for the other students to get off, because they push and shove along their way. Then the bus driver closed the door on me and drove off. My laptop was on that bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 15:21 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I went to the airport after saying goodbye to my, for some reason, giggling boyfriend. I learnt why he was so cheerful when I opened my purse in front of the guards, only to find pink-furry handcuffs, and a huge dildo. They pretended not to know what it was. FML

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By husks - 12/4/2011 04:08

Today, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time. She still hasn't got the hint. FML

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By Cygnus - 3/8/2015 14:14 - United States - Ruthven

Today, I responded to an argument with my girlfriend by only using comebacks she'd used in previous arguments. I'm single now. FML

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By battle1 - 17/7/2015 11:00 - United States - Marietta

Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML

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By rowie1311 - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2016 16:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I let my new cat sleep in bed with me. It was cute until she wiped a tapeworm onto my arm. FML

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By Blondie - 5/5/2011 20:01 - Lebanon

Today, I was trying to convince a friend that even though I'm blonde, I'm not the oblivious or stupid moron everyone apparently thinks I am. Then I smacked face-first into a glass door. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 23:08 - United States - Denver

Today, I overheard the guy I like talking to one of his friends about me. His friend asked if he and I were dating, to which he replied, "No way, dude. I have standards." FML

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By Oh. - 23/7/2019 02:00

Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

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By Homeless? - 7/11/2016 11:07 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I have been vomiting for 4 days. Tomorrow, my landlord is insisting on inspecting my flat. I now either have to clean my house whilst trying not to throw up all around it, or fail my inspection. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML

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By Lucas79 - 8/10/2011 01:23 - Australia

Today, I was walking down the street on my way to work, when an old lady's walking stick caught my leg and sent me crashing to the ground. She apologised for the accident and watched me stumble to my feet. I said not to worry. Just as I turned to leave, I could swear a smirk crept over her face. FML

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By cdoyle - 8/4/2009 12:32 - Canada

Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As I put my hand in his boxers, he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 02:02

Stay classy, bro

Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 04:57 - United States - Paducah

Today, it was my 16th birthday. My surprise was a new car, that is now in the side of the garage because my mom lost control while driving it around front. FML

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Top comments

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1508126 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:03

This happens all the time. I actually got into (unlocked) car once. It took me fiddling with the ignition before I realized it wasn't my car. Luckily the alarm didn't go off or the owner didn't show up.

By Volcom722 | 2

#1508112 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:00

Haha way to go :)

COMMENTS

By Volcom722 | 2

#1508112 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:00

Haha way to go :)

Reply

iGrenade | 0

#1508238 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:21

op's an idiot.
learn to look for distinctions.

EX license plate, bumper stickers, stuffed animals in the back etc

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1508796 - Thursday 7 October 2010 0:25

Ok...so? Where's the fml? This isn't a fuck my life. This is just a "oh shit" moment.

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EffinAhole | 0

#1510212 - Thursday 7 October 2010 5:26

lube in the seat, condom wrappers on the floorboard, dildo in the center console etc.

Reply

BadasS14 | 0

#1510761 - Thursday 7 October 2010 8:32

phahaha dumbass!!

Reply

michael11891 | 0

#1511810 - Thursday 7 October 2010 15:00

I love how people put cute guy or girl like that makes the situation so much worse.

Reply

michael11891 | 0

#1512735 - Thursday 7 October 2010 17:48

I love how people put cute guy or girl like that makes the situation so much worse.

By aliadnan708 | 6

#1508121 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:01

lol that's funny

Reply

randomchickkk | 0

#1510378 - Thursday 7 October 2010 6:21

all you had to do was explain to him OP. nbd.

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1508126 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:03

This happens all the time. I actually got into (unlocked) car once. It took me fiddling with the ignition before I realized it wasn't my car. Luckily the alarm didn't go off or the owner didn't show up.

Reply

FYLDeep | 25

#1508300 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:33

Do something to make your car more unique. I noticed that it can be difficult to tell my vehicle apart ever since I sold my truck and got a Grand Am. Apparently there's a lot of them.

By hnz | 13

#1508144 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:06

I think you should have realized it was not your car when the sound doesn't tally

By mona_is_here | 10

#1508153 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:06

When I was in middle school and my dad would pick me up at home and drive to school, I sometimes got his car mixed up with someone others. I always felt embarrassed because my vision sucks and it's a proof of that. But your case isn't so bad, OP :)

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allmidnighteyes | 10

#1508168 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:08

I did that too, except I got my mom's car confused with rusty vans labeled "free candy" on the side

Reply

mona_is_here | 10

#1508371 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 20:03

No chance you made it through. You must be some kind of a superhero.

By stitch_book | 4

#1508155 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:07

seems more like a Win than a FML. :/

By MAGNAVOX | 0

#1508157 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:07

Sorry if double post.

Did you guys have sex in his car afterwards?

By 20waffleater10 | 0

#1508191 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:11

you must be a blonde with big tits

By mrahhhhh | 19

#1508193 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:11

Well now you have a conversation starter.

Next thing you know you'll be posting a LML from the back of his car :D !

By OceanMinded | 0

#1508199 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:12

That would be quite the awkward confrontation! :/