Food Coma

Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfiend of nine months. She's making a lot of noise so I tell her to keep it down and remind her my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later I get a text from my sister saying my parents want to make sure I'm wearing a condom. FML

Season finale

Ant life

What did I do?

By awskme - 9/1/2010 00:36 - France

10613

28234

Today, I was told to rub in my sunscreen because I looked like a ghost. I wasn't wearing any. I'm just that white. FML

By CasperTheFriendlyGhost - 14/7/2016 17:11 - United States - Los Angeles

11590

1289

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find my dad passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. FML

By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 18:56 - United States - Dekalb

34984

3045

Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML

By me - 7/9/2011 23:53 - United States

41561

3956

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2018 19:30 - United States - Greenville

4933

1675

Today, I was driving a little over the speed limit, when I saw a cop car waiting to join the road ahead of me. I quickly hit the brakes so they wouldn't have a payday with me. I hit the brakes too hard, lost control and almost ended up on someone's lawn. FML

By Anonymous - 2/1/2016 07:04 - United States - Burbank

10522

25035

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

By Anonymous - 6/3/2011 18:15 - Sweden

44651

11881

Today, my fiancé told my mom that she screwed me up. I now have to write an apologetic e-mail to her for something that I agree with, in order for her to stop calling me crying. FML

By sighoutloud - 16/10/2009 03:36 - United States

25882

3808

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn't cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

By Anonymous - 9/7/2015 19:46 - United States

27776

5330

Today, I was sitting at my computer, listening and singing along to some music. I started singing louder, thinking that I was pretty good. Just then, my mom comes barging through the door in a frenzy saying, "Are you all right? Are you hurt?" FML

By awesome - 11/4/2009 17:36 - United States

42944

14647

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

By Anonymous - 22/3/2017 18:00

3037

3589

Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML

By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 14:49 - United States

45532

3149

Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML

By Kristen Duncan - 1/8/2017 20:00 - United States - Spokane

4440

400

Today, since I'm still recovering from my surgery and can't drive, my daughter drove me to the doctor. When I was done and walked outside, she was nowhere to be seen. Then I got a text: "Sorry, I forgot I have to be somewhere." The closest bus stop to our house is miles away. FML

By daughter - 5/8/2012 07:49 - United States - Kailua

29674

2350

Today, I had just finished riding my bike when I ran into the girl I am secretly in love with. While I walked over to her I got an erection through my spandex biking shorts. FML

By hornyloser770 - 1/3/2010 02:15 - France

26196

10925

Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML

By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 05:37 - United States

79470

6397

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a graduation gift: a new boyfriend. FML

By TheAngryBird - 28/6/2012 04:51 - Canada - Grimsby

29282

2691

Today, after a few beers, I was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed. I had to climb out through the shower window. It was fool proof until my foot got stuck. I hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where I was. FML

By Sparks - 13/3/2011 07:39 - United States

28638

14926

Today, my boss berated me in front of 2 other coworkers about how unprofessional it was for me to show up to work with a clearly visible hickey. I had to explain to him that my "hickey" was actually a huge pimple that had bruised up after I popped it. FML

By Neckbruise101 - 15/10/2016 06:01 - United States - Los Angeles

11518

845

Today, my mom told me that I need to shave my beard because it's getting too long. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I'm a woman. FML

By Beardedlady - 27/9/2018 23:00 - United States - Madison

2529

377

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

By itsjustwill - 17/1/2013 00:35 - United States - Puyallup

35991

2137

Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML

By abi_vet_student - 13/2/2009 12:42 - United Kingdom

46757

7026

Today, I asked a coworker what she'd bought her dad for father's day. She said that she got him some flowers, and I laughed because I thought it was a rather feminine gift for a man. I later found out that the flowers were for his grave. FML

By hc11bmd - 19/6/2012 17:20 - United States - Bethel

11442

54923

Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

By 092492 - 5/3/2011 21:53 - United States

35420

3969

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that taking triple the maximum dosage of painkillers won't actually triple its effects. She rolled her eyes, called me clueless, and said that I should "leave this stuff to the professionals." She's studying to become a doctor. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 17:36 - Kuwait - Kuwait

46080

6406

Today, my english teacher asked me why I didn't have my project completed. Thinking quick on my feet I told her it was because my grandmother had just passed away. Apparently they go to the same country club and have known each other for years. My teacher started crying and ran out of the room. FML

By Anonymous - 2/10/2009 21:07 - United States

9733

73133

Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML

By Oops - 25/12/2012 11:17 - United States - Augusta

17692

30543

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom. Her phone rang and she stopped to have an hour long conversation with her ex. FML

By unamyous - 8/6/2012 13:26 - United States - Canoga Park

Phone-blocked

41449

4114

Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML

By HT BaaFly - 7/9/2011 15:08 - United Kingdom

23150

5390

Today, I didn't think getting egged was a thing anymore until I found that my car got egged. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Frederick

5222

428

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple of bags and realized I really needed to poop. It’s been 10 minutes since I realized I hadn’t brought the toilet paper in yet. No one to bring me any. FML

By Billz - 10/4/2019 00:00

1706

427

Today, I was pissed that I got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it. I then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone, and was fined £120. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2011 07:12 - United Kingdom

10517

70763

Today, my boyfriend came to my house for the first time. Today was also the day my body decided to throw up violently for four hours while he awkwardly sat beside me, waiting for his ride home. FML

By fionna_fiamma - 12/12/2015 13:33 - Slovenia - Maribor

22359

1574

Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML

By Sick Guy - 24/3/2018 20:30 - United States - Boynton Beach

buys case of Listerine

4821

326

Today, I discovered that my husband is a tad paranoid after finding out that our cat has worms. He and I were in the middle of sharing a romantic shower following something of a dry spell when he bent over, spread his cheeks apart and asked, in earnest, "is there a worm sticking out of my ass?" FML

By Anonymous - 6/9/2010 04:20 - United States

38430

3657

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

By mrmidi - 21/5/2010 05:04 - United States

32372

4263

Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML

By wot02 - 27/7/2015 02:02 - United States

30157

3261

Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29. FML

By fuckit - 31/1/2009 17:24 - United States

29154

5560

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

By scoold - 21/12/2014 22:02 - United States - Dover

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2951