Food Coma

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

Late term

Commando

Call CPS!

By SpongeAbii2 - United Kingdom

31676

2949

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

By harro101 - Australia

27371

6166

Today, I met someone who works in radio advertising. Making conversation, I described an ad that I can't stand. He wrote it. FML

By Scotty - New Zealand - Auckland

41890

9913

Today, while at my job as a hairdresser, I was giving an elderly client a perm and I thought she'd fallen asleep. She'd died. FML

By Anonymous - United States

53494

2360

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

By Anon - United States - Modesto

25988

1679

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

By GladYoureConcerned - United States - Glendale

33520

4228

Today, I called my Dad to wish him happy birthday. The phone was disconnected, so I called my sister to see what his cell was. She then informed me that our Dad was in jail for selling shrooms to teenagers at a music festival out of state. FML

By shroomda - United States

56004

3382

Today, my co-workers figured out that I was in high school when my husband was in kindergarten. They won't stop calling me a "cougar". FML

By Anonymous - United States - Warsaw

34995

52321

Today, in ballet class, I was really focusing and actually trying to work hard. I was really getting into the choreography. I was travelling big and leaping long. While going across the floor, again I travelled and leaped... right into the ballet bars and fell over, in front of 35 people. FML

By dancer4life - United States

22005

6093

Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML

By maddie - United States

37768

4933

Today, I woke up, only to find my Xbox missing. Thankfully I have a security camera discreetly wired up in the tree on my lawn. Checking the tapes, I saw my brother park outside my house, let himself in with his spare key, then drive off with my missing equipment. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

35168

2961

Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

By apaterra - United States

21833

1430

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents when a sex scene came on. As if that wasn't awkward enough, they started making out on the couch behind me. FML

By ohgodwhy - Canada - Elliot Lake

63175

5681

Today, after having finally kicked my insomnia's ass after three hours, I was woken up by something I only thought happened in movies. Someone had paid for a Mariachi band to play for their girlfriend, outside my apartment, in the middle of the night. FML

By Anonymous - United States

27398

1677

Today, my 10k dirt bike stopped starting. I used it once and owned it for less than 24 hours. Later in the afternoon, I dropped my phone and it cracked. Later in the evening, I was walking in my room towards my bed in the dark and I stubbed my toe on my Pc and one of the panels fell off. FML

By fml boy

2185

316

Today, I was alone in my friend's kitchen. I had "Don't Cha" stuck in my head all day so I decided to let it out by doing a slutty dance, including spinning around the support pole in the kitchen. I heard a noise outside and saw my friend's dad had been cleaning the windows. With a boner. FML

By sluttydancer - United States

25160

61737

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my sister. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

2074

205

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

By Brody89 - United States - Vancouver

73457

37292

Today, I went with my boyfriend to meet his parents. I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and I ended up taking a huge crap that wouldn't flush. I had to reach in and break it up with my hands just so it would flush. Only after I washed up did I notice a plunger sitting under the sink. FML

By Anonymous - France - Paris

25334

48594

Today, my sister and I got stuck in an airport elevator. We were separated from our friends, missed our flight and had to walk two hours to find our gate. On the bright side, we ended up having a pleasant talk with an Air Marshal on why we were "stalking people". FML

By random - United States - Arvada

32412

2859

Today, I woke up and headed downstairs ready to do the dishes, when my mom hissed at me to, “go do the dishes!” As I was washing them, my mom stood over me the whole time. She eventually said, “You know, it’s pretty fucking sad that I still have to tell you to do these things.” FML

By WasteOfOxygen08

Crockery story

1725

403

Today, I was adjusting my nose piercing from the inside. My mother saw and thought I was picking my nose, so she slapped my hand away, tearing my nose ring out in the process. FML

By ouchouchouch - Canada - Winnipeg

34398

8937

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Canastota

58004

7571

Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML

By mary - United Kingdom

27937

6833

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

By breadcrumb - United States - Kansas City

24825

2080

Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her no not really. Her reply? "They must just being saying it behind your back then." FML

By lilsis - Australia

27456

3763

Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30512

4344

Today, I had the most intelligent conversation I've ever had with my boyfriend. He was getting really in-depth about subjects like biotechnology and gamma radiation. I soon realized he was only referring to the Incredible Hulk. FML

By cubs44fan - United States - Indianapolis

40350

6117

Today, my husband fell asleep in the middle of a blowjob. I feel kind of insulted. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 20:00

Good job!

1999

516

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date with someone he said was very hot. I'm not exactly what you call fit, so I haven't been dating lately. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I spotted the girl. She looked me up and down, said, "You have GOT to be kidding me" and left. FML

By tomtomcutiepoof - United States

70666

7559

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

By wtf

4722

409

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Madison

44669

5986

Today, guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

By "socially awkward cupcake "

2637

340

Today, I was sitting with my boyfriend watching the Super Nanny. He watches the show regularly and said he has learned some of her techniques. Apparently, he uses them on me when I'm acting irrational. FML

By Anonymous - United States

13910

47420

Today, one of my good friends confided in me about the affair she is having with our boss. She'd been sleeping with him for 3 months and told me they were in love, but it had to be kept quiet due to our company's very strict anti-fraternization policy . I'd been secretly seeing him all year. FML

By Anonymous - United States

58118

23761

Today, I felt sick to my stomach, so I told my mother I didn't want to eat dinner. She started accusing me of being anorexic, so I ate a little bit anyway to make her stop. I then threw up, only for her to take it as confirmation that I have an eating disorder. FML

By I'm just sick, really - United States - Springfield

33218

2418

Today, I caught the train into the city. Halfway there some kids hopped on smelling of marijuana and alcohol. Their topic of discussion? How much pubic hair they had. FML

By fabs1171 - Australia - Chatswood

25562

3322

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

Long thought

1399

725

Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML

By mylifesucks

34108

5708