Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my sister masturbating with my curling... - FML

By need € for new iron - Germany - Gevelsberg

Today, I walked in on my sister masturbating with my curling iron. FML

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On the ball

Let's go girls!

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

By meowitzer - 22/4/2020 05:02

All over the place

Today, a close, funny friend who has quite the attitude, received a long email from a long-time friend of hers, telling her how difficult she is. When I told her it doesn’t matter, that she is still wonderful, she went off on how bad a friend I am for saying that, and then deleted me off WhatsApp. FML

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By princess - Canada

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

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By kat9232000 - Canada

Today, my older brother told me that no matter how fast you run at automatic sliding doors, they'll open in time. So I ran at a pair. They don't. FML

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By mikey51 - Australia

Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to surprise my girlfriend, who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks. When she opened the door, she gasped, told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By

Today I had a narrow escape with a nailgun that nailed my workboot to the floor but luckily missed my foot. After I calmed down and changed boots I returned to the nailgun, started working again and barely 30 seconds later I managed to nail my thumb to a piece of wood. Man, I'm bad at my job. FML

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By papergirl - United States

Today, I went to a fancy restaurant. I was coming right from work and brought a change of clothes with me. I parked in an empty corner of the parking lot to change. As I was pulling my pants up, I noticed that I was facing an apartment complex where an old guy was watching me from his balcony. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 14:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Cabin fever

Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML

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By thanks ma - 29/5/2020 02:00

Today, on Judge Judy…

Today, all of my credit cards were frozen due to fraud. The culprit? My own mother. She rationalized it by saying I "owed" her for raising me. She didn’t even raise me. My grandma did. FML

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By 2ndplacechamp - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were driving to a costume party. On the way, we got into an argument and she kicked me out of her car. I had to walk around the city center in an Iron Man outfit trying to find the party venue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after several months of eating right, exercising, and weight loss, my mother has yet again arrived at my house, unannounced and with a very sugary cake. She's been doing this most weeks since I lost 50 pounds. FML

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By theboy6494 - United States

Today, I came home early from business trip in Paris, I bought an engagement ring. I was going to take my girlfriend of 2 years out and propose to her. I sneak into my house as a surprise and she's having it off with another man. Now I have a ring that I can only return in France. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 23:00

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

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By bdw89 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years still can't get it that dry humping me and saying, "But I'm horny" in a goofy voice isn't a turn on. FML

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By stinkyhair - United States

Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML

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By UniGrad2019 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, after months of all my friends telling me that the guy whom I was in love with most definitely held feelings for me, I was finally convinced by their words, and with confidence I went and confessed my feelings to him. I was rejected. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fall City

Today, two days before a big weight lifting competition with a $3,000 grand prize, I broke my arm. FML

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By LasagnaRawks - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend only stayed with me because he didn't want to "be alone," and now that he has a new girlfriend, apparently he won't be. We were together for three and a half years. FML

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By forever single, I guess - United States

Today, at college, I finally talked myself into confessing my feelings to a girl I really like. Her response was to threaten to sue me. For what, exactly? I have no goddamned idea. I just don't understand people anymore. FML

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By - United States - Gualala

Today, while house sitting for my mother and stepfather, their elderly dog passed away. They live in such a remote location, the closest open vet office is a 2 hour drive, and the local one opens in 10 hours. FML

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By Riskreh - United States

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend who I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I find out that last time he saw me, I was blind drunk and vomiting after propositioning him all evening. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at a concert. It was dark and everyone was singing and waving their lit-up phones in the air. I was having a great time, until someone snatched my £200 phone out of my hand. FML

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By qld - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I got sunburnt to a crisp on the first day of my holidays away. Only 5 more days to go now, spent inside, trying not to burn more. FML

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By poopedon - Canada

Today, I was at the beach and fell asleep in the sun. When I woke up, there was a blob of sunscreen on my leg. Thinking it was my boyfriend who was sweet enough to squeeze sunscreen for me, I rubbed it into my leg. After smelling my hands, I discovered it was bird poop. FML

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By MentalHealthWorker - 17/9/2020 02:05

True hero

Today, I once again had to clean up a shower and bathroom covered in feces, because of client with incontinence. It smelt so bad that I couldn’t hide my reaction; the client saw my face and I could see the embarrassment on theirs. I spent the rest of the day feeling like an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 05:00

Happy Birthday!

Today, I turned 37. My acne turned 24, my eating disorder 22, my chronic digestive issues 35 and my insomnia 16. My boobs, on the other hand, look like they just turned 60. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

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By haqL - Mexico - Quer?taro

Today, my girlfriend brought a 12-pack of beer to my mother's wake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was feeling down because of her gray hairs. In an attempt to cheer her up, I suggested that she dye them. Her hair turned orange. FML

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By utensils123 - Australia

Today, I discovered my brother likes to use our kitchen utensils to scratch his private areas. FML

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By Autocorrected - Philippines - Makati

Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML

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By Dweeb

WOOF!

Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 17:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up!

Today, my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom. FML

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By Hover Hand - United States - Merchantville

Today, someone posted photos from a party I was at. On each photo I'm posing in with a girl, my hand is not touching her, but is hovering over her like some creepy weirdo loser. My Facebook nickname is now of course "Hover Hand." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

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By Halle - United States

Today, my immature step-father rubbed my head destroying the $300 hairdo that took two and a half hours to finish. Three minutes before my wedding ceremony. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that while I was in the ICU for having had a life-threatening seizure, my boyfriend was out partying with other girls. His excuse was that he needed to find a new girl if I died. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

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Top comments

By hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml | 14

#5494902 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:02

Ok, that is just too much.

By rouh_fml | 4

#5494905 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:03

Hopefully not plugged in!

COMMENTS

By hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml | 14

#5494902 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:02

Ok, that is just too much.

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#5494929 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:08

Sounds like she needs to be straightened out.

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5494952 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:14

Sounded like she was getting hot and heavy.

Reply

groovycrazyjoe | 18

#5495152 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:11

she was just heating up

Reply

kjcamaro3 | 5

#5495499 - Friday 17 May 2013 8:23

You shouldn't have take her dildo

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5495811 - Friday 17 May 2013 16:03

And used it to straighten her hair?

Reply

mattlw | 25

#5496896 - Saturday 18 May 2013 15:50

No need for a heated debate here. I just have one question. Was it plugged in? Oh yeah, I'll bet that was HOT.

Reply

soccerguy90 | 4

#5527746 - Sunday 9 June 2013 23:25

Bahahaha, wow. That was tooooo good!!!

Reply

carnage45567 | 10

#5566543 - Friday 5 July 2013 7:59

Sounds like a pretty heated situation

Reply

ShadowRaptor | 9

#5595246 - Wednesday 24 July 2013 3:26

Oh, she was using it down there? "Well, you know how it is. If you have curly hair you just want straight hair" -Daniel Tosh

By angiodave | 6

#5494904 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:03

Um, I wouldn't use that curling iron...just sayin!!!

Reply

clever_name_here | 7

#5494940 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:11

No shit sherlock

Reply

Flowtastic | 16

#5494993 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:34

Then what would you use? ;)

Reply

carleybeak | 21

#5495019 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:51

#34 A new curling iron.

Reply

JBChristian | 46

#5495310 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:28

Hence the OP's username...

Reply

Fuji76 | 15

#5495340 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:57

Maybe he's curling his nose hairs, Noor! ;)

Reply

FameNFortune | 12

#5495448 - Friday 17 May 2013 6:49

Some people deserve a slap in the face for stupid comments ...

Reply

laughmaster | 9

#5495675 - Friday 17 May 2013 12:38

Did you proofread your comment before posting it?

Reply

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5609549 - Friday 2 August 2013 10:11

I think 34 meant "then what would you use to masterbate with" as making a joke and referring to the dirty sister ;P

By rouh_fml | 4

#5494905 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:03

Hopefully not plugged in!

Reply

EpicBlondie89 | 19

#5495294 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:23

#79 Umm......what?

Reply

Archay | 13

#5495383 - Friday 17 May 2013 5:30

86, hotdog in a hallway.

Reply

tomatosz | 23

#5495686 - Friday 17 May 2013 12:42

#3 That hurt just thinking about it o.o

Reply

teh3pictroll | 8

#5497217 - Saturday 18 May 2013 21:25

#103 A very long, dark hallway.

By Archay | 13

#5494908 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:03

Steamy huh?

Reply

cieloalicia | 16

#5495129 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:50

As Paris Hilton would say.. "That's hot."

Reply

AshaaFerreira | 22

#5495700 - Friday 17 May 2013 13:05

I for 1 don't care about what Paris would say..

Reply

Crofty92 | 17

#5496926 - Saturday 18 May 2013 16:07

Thanks for sharing that important information with us. We all really needed to know. Genuinely with no sarcasm. Thank you.

By TrinityisLife | 22

#5494911 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:04

Sure she just didn't want superbouncy pubes?

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5495169 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:25

She uses her bangs when she bangs.

By TrollingStalker | 16

#5494912 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:05

Ow.

By walkingspastic | 22

#5494913 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:05

Hot.

Reply

LanaViolin | 10

#5494938 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:10

...

Reply

EVnIAS | 13

#5494981 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:28

I was thinking the same thing but probably for completely different reasons...

Reply

Olympiakos10 | 15

#5495338 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:57

It's hot in topicaaaa

Reply

world_on_fire | 4

#5495726 - Friday 17 May 2013 13:50

its hot and its hot and its hot *throws remote into the air*

Reply

carobug | 6

#5497252 - Saturday 18 May 2013 22:10

Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends reference? Here, have an upvote.

By jw90 | 18

#5494915 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:05

Please tell me she was smart enough to not plug it in?

Reply

TheShadyMilkman | 15

#5495889 - Friday 17 May 2013 17:45

Well how else would you get the warming sensation?

Reply

little_one | 20

#5495891 - Friday 17 May 2013 17:48

Edit

By IscoreOnU | 19

#5494921 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:06

Hey, whatever works. Just uh this is one of those what you don't know won't hurt you things. Still she shouldn't be using yours..

Reply

ilovedinosawers | 17

#5495262 - Friday 17 May 2013 3:51

I wouldn't want it anymore. "Yeah, you keep that."

By Pwn17 | 25

#5494923 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:06

Time to buy a new one.

Reply

gabbi630 | 16

#5495073 - Friday 17 May 2013 1:19

Time for her sister to buy a new one!

Reply

little_one | 20

#5495894 - Friday 17 May 2013 17:50

Buy that girl a dildo already! My god you can get some for $10 and it's a hell of a lot better and cheaper than a curling iron! Check your phone too... She may have been using it on vibrate...