Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother...

By blondie107 - 7/5/2013 00:52 - United States - Richardson

Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother is a neuroscientist and my father is a psychologist. Somehow, they managed to make me admit that I was lying before I'd even finished. FML

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blondie107 tells us more :

Today was my first success! ... Sort of. Anyone else have parents like this? I finally managed to lie undetected but.. Well.. Like I said, sort of a success.

Miscellaneous

Proactive

Deep-seated resentment

Lockdown is driving us down

By spastic hardon - 12/12/2013 21:01 - Australia - Templestowe

Today, I misplaced my phone at small house party. I found it later, but not before being called a sick bastard by my crush. It seems one of my "friends" sent her a cock pic with my phone, and now she wants nothing to do with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2009 16:27 - United States

Today, I was going to take my boyfriend to Napa. It's my birthday and I wanted to do something big since last year my fiancée called off the wedding. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I'm "clearly not over" my ex. This makes two consecutive birthdays alone in romantic hotels I paid for. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2019 04:00

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By Garcia2284 - 13/9/2018 13:00

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

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By MrAwsum - 17/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

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By ljjprchf - 13/12/2009 01:29 - Australia

Today, I asked my kids how much they loved me. My seven year old responded, 'I'll love you forever mummy.' My sixteen year old responded, 'Can you wind down the window, I just farted.' FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2015 04:04 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my husband came home from a six-month business trip. When I saw him, I hugged and kissed him. My grandma started calling me a slutty whore, and told us we were a disgrace to our family, while trying to hit him with her cane. FML

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By mandm - 24/9/2013 21:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

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By jobless1 - 5/7/2015 04:04

Today, I went to an important job interview, only to be told I'm not what such a "prestigious" company was looking for. This from a pimply-faced 20-something who took a personal call on speakerphone mid-interview, and actually said "lmao" out loud at his friend's joke. FML

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By outsmartedbykids - 28/5/2014 16:28 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

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By hurts - 4/5/2009 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them I impale my forearm on a knife that's sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML

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By ge fu yo twa - 25/6/2018 20:30

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

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By Welshite - 3/4/2014 20:53 - United States

Today, my coworkers continued their new favorite game: staring at me in total unnerving silence. I can't help but be reminded of serial killers. FML

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By Unemployed - 28/8/2016 17:16 - Australia - Hinchinbrook

Today, I discovered that my supervisor, who I thought liked me, actually thinks I am incompetent and lack emotional intelligence. I'm a student nurse and I've just listed her as my reference for our single, statewide job application. There's no way to change it. FML

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By Kelsiiii - 11/3/2020 03:00

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I pretended to be dead in front of my dog to see what he would do. He started to hump me, and when I tried to get up, he growled at me until I got back down on the ground to wait until he was finished. FML

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By noquiero - 21/6/2012 18:13 - United Kingdom - Peterlee

Today, someone rang my doorbell. The moment I opened the door, a smell not unlike a cascading torrent of rotting flesh and urine hit my nostrils. I stood there for an eternity as a homeless man leaned on my door and desperately tried to convince me to buy an array of scrap metal from him. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2011 11:28 - Reserved

Today, my husband told me I was lucky to have someone who would love me no matter what my vagina smelled like. FML

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By Bloody Nose - 16/4/2016 05:14 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I had the longest, bloodiest, bloody nose ever when I was at work. I got blood on a few materials as I was running to the restroom. I work in a food factory, so everything had to be sanitized and thrown out. Now management wants me to pay for everything we had to throw out. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 09:11 - United Kingdom

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

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By Hotdamn - 21/3/2016 04:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 08:00

Jealousy

Today, my girlfriend broke my Xbox while I was playing Warzone. She said she heard me playing with another girl, and accused me of cheating. It was just the A.I. saying, "Copy, I’m on it." Anyone selling an Xbox One? FML

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - 6/4/2013 19:13 - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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By TheStroker - 1/6/2019 06:03

Today, I was cleaning off a carrot by rubbing it up and down under the tap over the sink. My 13-year-old son comes in and says, "Mom, you could get a job doing that." I told him that a carrot cleaner wouldn't make much money. He says, "I wasn't talking about carrots." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 08:08

Who's Afraid of Red, Yellow and Blue

Today, I spent almost two hours drawing a scenery. I was tired halfway in and took a break. Came back to my room to see it getting scribbled on. FML

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By the_emilymohr - 28/3/2020 23:00

Gourmet dinner

Today, after feeding my cats, I walked out of the room. Five minutes later, I heard one of them making a hacking sound. Knowing the outcome, I went to get some paper towels to wipe up the mess. When I went in, my other cat was eating it. Certain things cannot be unseen. FML

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By Lililaloose - 24/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 12:02 - Singapore

Today, my grandfather was counting all the grandchildren he had and saying how fortunate he was to have all of us. When I pointed out that he'd forgotten to count me, he turned and said "You're adopted, you don't count as a real grandchild" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 14:29 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that, due to my low self-confidence, all my bras are push-ups. He yelled, "EVERYTHING I KNEW IS A LIE" and stormed out. FML

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By geoduck - 10/2/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

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By tittyboomboom - 24/3/2016 13:16 - Australia

Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML

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By Tourist - 26/3/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

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By anonymous - 6/7/2016 13:53 - United States

Today, I got a question wrong on an exam. The question started with, "In your opinion..." FML

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By Insomniac - 18/5/2019 04:17

Today, and for the past four years, the only time my husband stops snoring while asleep is so that he can fart. FML

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By pizzaface - 9/8/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed. The lady who waxed my eyebrows also decided to pop the big zit on my forehead. She charged me a dollar extra. FML

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By lovethateuropeanblood - 8/12/2014 14:12 - Japan - Osaka

Today, I enjoyed the soft caressing touch of the person I'm attracted to. It would have been even better if he weren't simply stroking my arm hair in amazement at its superior length and density. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2013 01:03 - United States - La Grande

Today, I had to break up a fist fight between two female residents. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By takinabreak - 10/7/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "radiance ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "radiance ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML

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By perfectmoment - 10/10/2009 22:22 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2016 03:26 - United States

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML

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Top comments

By Acik91 | 26

#5482000 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't mess with the pros.

By loulumpkin | 8

#5482005 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

Now become a sociologist and mind blow them. Then blame society.

COMMENTS

By purebliss_fml | 19

#5481999 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:19

Better luck next time! Or maybe you should just be honest with them?

waterpolohezy | 6

#5482716 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:33

Pshhh but that's no fun!

For real tho this is one of the first FML's to genuinely make me laugh out loud hahaha

klaralynn | 17

#5482732 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:55

be honest with them? come on! how many people actually tell their parents the truth about every single thing that is happening in their life..?

Pyro_Wolf | 17

#5483021 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 1:06

I do 75. I just don't tell them a lot of things, that's not lying. It's just not sharing information.

tjv3 | 10

#5483118 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 3:08

They done Jedi mind tricked your ass

life_sucks225 | 13

#5528365 - Monday 10 June 2013 11:02

just dont even try next time

By Acik91 | 26

#5482000 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't mess with the pros.

mn_shr | 22

#5482029 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:59

There's no messing with that combination

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5482266 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 15:40

I believe the technical term is...being well and truly screwed. But, honesty is always the best policy.

By BatteryAddict | 11

#5482001 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't lie. Lying is never the best answer. Especially when you have parents with said occupations.

oj101 | 33

#5482085 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 12:13

Sure, lying isn't the exactly the most moral thing to do, but it can buy time and appease people in the process whilst you figure out how to deal with the situation effectively.

malheartsnutmeg | 20

#5482240 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 15:04

Everyone lies sometimes, you're about to do it right now when you tell me you don't.

rs89 | 20

#5482439 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 17:41

She didn't stand a chance I guess with said occupations...

By poopsi | 19

#5482002 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

YDI For lying. Plus didn't you know their professions before hand? Just a bad idea all around.

Fsvb | 32

#5482514 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:49

I bet you never ever lie.

poopsi | 19

#5482648 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:54

No, I do. And it's wrong when I do too. :P

By naxeeb | 33

#5482003 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

You're living Leonard Hofstadter's life, aren't you? :P

alstbv12 | 13

#5482009 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:29

I get to be Sheldon!

noreallywhat | 17

#5482010 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:32

No I am Sheldon you can Howard

annie_nk | 22

#5482014 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:42

As long as I can be Bernadette!

Mauskau | 35

#5482095 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 12:24

Bitches, I'll be Amy. I love me a tiara ;)

noreallywhat | 17

#5482291 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 16:00

Is it sad that knowing this random thread about big bang theory was the highlight of my day?

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#5482313 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 16:16

Yes it is but I felt exactly the same way

sumbum95 | 15

#5482472 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:13

Bazinga. :) I had to do that haha.

By XxXkyttiXxX | 11

#5482004 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

You were born with the odds against you on that one.

By loulumpkin | 8

#5482005 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

Now become a sociologist and mind blow them. Then blame society.

By finnrambo | 13

#5482006 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:23

you're obviously not a very smooth liar OP, either that or your parents are really good at what they do

license2chill | 5

#5483205 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 4:46

Keyword, "first time", I think most people would have caught OP lying too if they were there.

finnrambo | 13

#5483923 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 19:50

also key: "to my parents" stating she was lying to her parents for the first time so one would assume she had lied to others before

By Thisfreakingguy | 10

#5482011 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:37

Don't lie to them. Just avoid being completely honest!

Dairyking | 8

#5483179 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 4:15

Ignore this comment. I misread and this is my edit. Instead, here's a message: make today a day worth having! And happy unbirthday! (Unless it's your birthday; then happy birthday.)

By StanSmith2013 | 26

#5482012 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:38

That's what happens when you try to mess with science!