Miscellaneous: Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother...

By blondie107 - United States - Richardson

Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother is a neuroscientist and my father is a psychologist. Somehow, they managed to make me admit that I was lying before I'd even finished. FML

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blondie107 tells us more :

Today was my first success! ... Sort of. Anyone else have parents like this? I finally managed to lie undetected but.. Well.. Like I said, sort of a success.

Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Season finale

Risky business

By notagoodtime - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML

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By A.K. - United States

Today, I was driving on the highway and a cop had his radar gun out. The woman in front of me panics and slams her brakes on, causing me to rear end her. The cop cited me for "tailgating" and I have to pay for the damages on both of our cars. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my mother, her fiancé, and I were having dinner together. My mother was joking that she wasn't sure she could hold him down, as he used to "get around." She turned to talk to the waiter and my future step-father looked me up and down and winked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that my car's passenger-side door has cobwebs all over it. FML

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By aero00 - United States

Today, I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold. FML

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By crappingrapping - United States

Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

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By what_the_hell - Finland - Helsinki

Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML

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By waternixie - Malaysia - Rembau

Today, my OCD reached a new high when I used a correction pen to white-out an eyelash which was photocopied onto every single page of my reading material. I did it because the eyelash was too distracting and I couldn't finish reading the article without the urge to rip it into shreds. FML

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By LtlCheeseburger - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I was shopping, and tried on a skirt that was a size smaller than usual, thinking that I would fit in. Not only did it not fit, neither I nor the sales assistant could get it off me, because the zip got stuck. She had to cut me out of it. FML

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By C2 - Australia

Today, at a party, I watched the guy I've liked for AGES come out of a bedroom with one of my gay male friends. They were in there for a while. FML

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By çapousse2904 - France - Le Pr?-saint-gervais

Today, my girlfriend put her hand on my abs and confessed that she was glad I'd secretly started working out. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I've been constipated for three weeks. FML

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By Money Shot

Today, I was sunbathing by my pool, totally naked. After a while I got a boner and decided to jerk off. As I was about to finish, I rolled over to cum on the deck, but when I rolled back, my elderly neighbor yelled, "Don't do that in the open if you won’t give up the money shot." FML

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By SHUTUPDAD! - 17/10/2020 20:02

Noise annoys

Today, my dad found his old harmonica. It’s been five hours and he shows no signs of stopping. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to take our first shower together. When he came into the room, he had swimming trunks on. FML

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By Donzai - Canada

Today, I was at my boss's house for a company BBQ. Earlier I had taken muscle relaxants to calm my lower back pain. After a few drinks it was clear the alcohol and medication did not mix. I woke up few hours later to find out I had stripped naked and jumped into the 4 foot cake before passing out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

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By MissKitty

Special Snowflake Kitty

Today, I found out why I couldn't properly breathe nor sleep for the past 2 days. I'm allergic to the new kitty litter. This is the special litter I had to buy because my snowflake cat is allergic to all the other brands. FML

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By o___O" - Belgium - Brussels

Today, while at the supermarket, a complete stranger ran up to me, got down on his knee and confessed his love for me. He was obviously mentally unstable, so I gently declined. He started crying very loudly in front of everyone. I still don't have a clue who he was. FML

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By hatboxghost - United States

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Leandro

Today, I had to share my room with my cousin while she stayed over. I let her take my bed while I slept on the floor. Not only do my back and neck hurt, but I had to clean vomit out of my hair. Apparently, she "wasn't feeling well" last night. FML

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By Claire.L - 10/5/2020 20:00

Catch 22

Today, I gave my boss a two-month notice. He threatened me by saying he wouldn't provide a reference if I quit in July instead of August. I need the reference to pursue my dream to work in the USA as a nanny. I have no other choice, I either work under their pressure or start all over. FML.

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister gave me a early Christmas present. It's lice. FML

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By embarrassed - United Kingdom

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and won't be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn't quite get the word 'home' - the message I sent said, 'I'm staying at Will's, I'll not be good tonight.' FML

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By eggman 583 - United States - Massapequa

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the 6 guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML

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By tortilla - 28/11/2020 16:58 - United States - Petaluma

Rite of passage

Today, I got punched after telling my 11-year-old cousin that her period is "coming for her." FML

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By Megannn - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

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By Anonymous

Modern romance...

Today, I sent a great-quality booty pic to two of my love interests. Instead of sending it individually, I accidentally made a group chat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

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By Help - Australia

Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML

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By jcstpierre - United States

Today, I received a mass email from my boss saying we had a position open at the daycare I work at. I knew my boyfriend was looking for a job so I insisted he apply. Later at work, my boss takes me into her office and tells me my employment is being "terminated". My boyfriend is replacing me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was alone with a work acquaintance at lunch. A noise came from his pocket; he whipped out his iPod Touch and said "Sorry, I have to take this," before walking away with the iPod to his ear. Not only did he not want to talk to me, he thought I was stupid enough to confuse an iPod with a phone. FML

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By dolceconfuoco - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

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By jeanrose2013 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend when a guy walked up to me and told me I look exactly like Taylor Swift. My boyfriend punched him in the face and told him that Taylor Swift is a lot more attractive. I'm actually considering leaving him for the complete stranger. FML

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By Felicityfrank - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bolingbrook

Today, I was mopping the floor at the hotel I work at. Before I could react, a gentleman stormed through the corridor and slipped and fell on the still wet floor. He complained to the owner, who bitched me out just to satisfy the guy. FML

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By ananymous - United States - Spencerport

Today, I was handing candy to a little boy who was trick or treating by himself. He was small enough to grab the candy and run past me into my house. I've been searching my house for two hours and still can't find him. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By latter - United States - Middle River

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

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By ssydneyy - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was working as a character at an amusement park. I was walking with another character and we went over to a baby girl. She smiled and laughed at my co-worker. When she saw me, she started screaming and crying. FML

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Top comments

By Acik91 | 26

#5482000 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't mess with the pros.

By loulumpkin | 8

#5482005 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

Now become a sociologist and mind blow them. Then blame society.

COMMENTS

By purebliss_fml | 19

#5481999 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:19

Better luck next time! Or maybe you should just be honest with them?

waterpolohezy | 6

#5482716 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:33

Pshhh but that's no fun!

For real tho this is one of the first FML's to genuinely make me laugh out loud hahaha

klaralynn | 17

#5482732 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:55

be honest with them? come on! how many people actually tell their parents the truth about every single thing that is happening in their life..?

Pyro_Wolf | 17

#5483021 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 1:06

I do 75. I just don't tell them a lot of things, that's not lying. It's just not sharing information.

tjv3 | 10

#5483118 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 3:08

They done Jedi mind tricked your ass

life_sucks225 | 13

#5528365 - Monday 10 June 2013 11:02

just dont even try next time

By Acik91 | 26

#5482000 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't mess with the pros.

mn_shr | 22

#5482029 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:59

There's no messing with that combination

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5482266 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 15:40

I believe the technical term is...being well and truly screwed. But, honesty is always the best policy.

By BatteryAddict | 11

#5482001 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't lie. Lying is never the best answer. Especially when you have parents with said occupations.

oj101 | 33

#5482085 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 12:13

Sure, lying isn't the exactly the most moral thing to do, but it can buy time and appease people in the process whilst you figure out how to deal with the situation effectively.

malheartsnutmeg | 20

#5482240 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 15:04

Everyone lies sometimes, you're about to do it right now when you tell me you don't.

rs89 | 20

#5482439 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 17:41

She didn't stand a chance I guess with said occupations...

By poopsi | 19

#5482002 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

YDI For lying. Plus didn't you know their professions before hand? Just a bad idea all around.

Fsvb | 32

#5482514 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:49

I bet you never ever lie.

poopsi | 19

#5482648 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:54

No, I do. And it's wrong when I do too. :P

By naxeeb | 33

#5482003 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

You're living Leonard Hofstadter's life, aren't you? :P

alstbv12 | 13

#5482009 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:29

I get to be Sheldon!

noreallywhat | 17

#5482010 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:32

No I am Sheldon you can Howard

annie_nk | 22

#5482014 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:42

As long as I can be Bernadette!

Mauskau | 35

#5482095 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 12:24

Bitches, I'll be Amy. I love me a tiara ;)

noreallywhat | 17

#5482291 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 16:00

Is it sad that knowing this random thread about big bang theory was the highlight of my day?

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#5482313 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 16:16

Yes it is but I felt exactly the same way

sumbum95 | 15

#5482472 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:13

Bazinga. :) I had to do that haha.

By XxXkyttiXxX | 11

#5482004 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

You were born with the odds against you on that one.

By loulumpkin | 8

#5482005 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

Now become a sociologist and mind blow them. Then blame society.

By finnrambo | 13

#5482006 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:23

you're obviously not a very smooth liar OP, either that or your parents are really good at what they do

license2chill | 5

#5483205 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 4:46

Keyword, "first time", I think most people would have caught OP lying too if they were there.

finnrambo | 13

#5483923 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 19:50

also key: "to my parents" stating she was lying to her parents for the first time so one would assume she had lied to others before

By Thisfreakingguy | 10

#5482011 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:37

Don't lie to them. Just avoid being completely honest!

Dairyking | 8

#5483179 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 4:15

Ignore this comment. I misread and this is my edit. Instead, here's a message: make today a day worth having! And happy unbirthday! (Unless it's your birthday; then happy birthday.)

By StanSmith2013 | 26

#5482012 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:38

That's what happens when you try to mess with science!