Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother...

By blondie107 - 7/5/2013 00:52 - United States - Richardson

Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother is a neuroscientist and my father is a psychologist. Somehow, they managed to make me admit that I was lying before I'd even finished. FML

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blondie107 Say more :

Today was my first success! ... Sort of. Anyone else have parents like this? I finally managed to lie undetected but.. Well.. Like I said, sort of a success.

Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Hello everyone!

Creepy

By person - 20/9/2015 23:57 - United States - League City

Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML

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By screaming monkey - 4/4/2012 10:13 - United Kingdom - Whitton

Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He let me know by shaving "CYA" into my dog's fur and then moving out before I got home from work. FML

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By Monsieur-Madame - 31/5/2012 20:19 - France - Courtisols

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

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By shahman14 - 2/6/2019 00:02

Today, I started working at an extremely prestigious bank. In the first five minutes of being there, the boss had me do his laundry at a Laundromat, and when I actually tried to work, he kept showing me some magic tricks. Later on, he fired me for HIS mistake of giving an extra $400 to a customer. FML

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By CassyM - 3/4/2017 10:00 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my 2-year-old asked for cake, so I told her I would make her one. I showed her two boxes of cake and asked which one she wanted. She picked one and happily tried opening it. She'd thought a fully cooked cake is in the box. Ever tried explaining baking to a toddler? FML

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By Danicole927 - 28/12/2016 03:53 - United States - Trenton

Today, I had a job interview with a world-renowned forensic psychologist, and it fits my degree perfectly. He didn't want to hire me, but he'd like me to return as a patient. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 09:19 - Australia

Today, after moving house, changing my number, my email, and beginning legal action to get away from a girl who was stalking me, I decided to go to the movies to relax. As soon as I got in my seat, that same girl walked into the nearly empty theatre. She sat next to me. FML

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By Imretarded - 24/5/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I saw my mom naked as she came out of the shower. I realized that's the first time I've ever seen a naked woman. I'm a 24 year old guy. FML

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By ohhdear.___. - 26/3/2012 14:54 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML

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By me - 12/11/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, while in my drama class, my character in a play has to quickly jump up out from his desk. Somehow, my shirt got caught on the desk, ripping it almost completely off in front of a live audience. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2012 18:07 - India

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

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By DramaticSigh - 15/8/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, at work, a customer came in. Since I was behind the counter, I asked if she needed help with anything. I've worked there for five years, and I didn't recognize my own boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

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By eagerbeaver - 3/9/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I figured out that a $40 phone case does not protect your $500 phone from a five year old throwing it off a fourth story balcony. FML

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By hawkwardd - 12/9/2013 07:42 - Australia

Today, my workplace was having a "prices are down" promotion. I had to wear a badge that said, "Down and staying down" all day, opening myself up to a lot of weirdos winking at me or saying, "Oh yeah, I bet you are". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2014 05:24 - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend, his response was, "I'll start watching pregnant porn to build up an attraction to it." FML

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By wintersoldier - 14/7/2015 02:36 - Austria

Today, while trying to comfort my little brother who just injured his leg, I tripped and sprained my ankle. At least he was amused. FML

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By BarhydtBran - 18/8/2015 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

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By aliqi - 12/5/2012 20:48 - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 20:14 - Switzerland

Today, I found out I'm allergic to the pills my doctor prescribed for coughing, which I really need because I ripped a muscle in my stomach. Now my whole upper body is covered in a terrible itchy rash. I also found out it will last for at least another week. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2014 02:29 - United States - Hedgesville

Today, I was throwing rocks into a pond while our class was on a field trip. The teacher started to pass around an old rare civil war bullet. As the bullet got to me, I threw another rock in the river, only to notice a rock in my hand and the bullet gone. FML

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By Shamdog48 - 11/4/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

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By tallguy - 29/8/2013 13:40 - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I finally received the bicycle I ordered months ago. It was an expensive custom-made bike which perfectly fit my 6'9" frame. Today, that bike got stolen. FML

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By Adrian16 - 18/1/2010 11:01 - Norway

Today, I was vacuuming our house because I wanted to help my parents. I wore a headset while listening to REALLY loud music. The vacuuming job took me two hours and when I took of my headset I noticed that I hadn't started the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By WTF - 7/3/2011 09:19

Today, I was awoken by my neighbor pounding on my back door at 3 am, only to look outside and see my car engulfed in flames. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2017 21:00 - Canada - Jansen

Today, I was talking to a girl online and she stopped talking to me abruptly after seeing my picture. FML

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By brerj09 - 28/4/2014 13:35 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

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By PissyPuss - 10/12/2015 21:38 - United States

Today, the bladder infection I thought I was over flared up at work, causing me to piss myself, despite having gone twice in the previous hour. I still had to finish my shift, soaked pants and all. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2016 00:18 - Canada - Maple

Today, I found out that my best friend's psycho ex-girlfriend has been stalking me on social media for the past few months, when she contacted me asking why I was holding hands with him in a picture from over two years ago. FML

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By vistingherfamily - 25/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2015 23:08 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML

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By serenti - 13/10/2011 21:30 - Sweden

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML

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By Nicoleanne - 20/11/2016 14:08

Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML

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By TheBRADLeyB - 16/4/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I was going 73 in a 55 on a country road when an oncoming cop passed me. He pulled a U turn. I turned off the main road and took random turns. I got lost, was 30 minutes late to work, and the cop still found me and gave me two tickets. I had to ask him for directions. FML

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By smarie09 - 6/3/2010 22:44 - Canada

Today, I accidentally downloaded a virus, which hijacked my email program. I somehow doubt the Dean at my university will thank me for my suggestion that he too could experience 100% natural male enhancement pills. FML

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By "tease_ftx" - 31/8/2017 13:00

Who run the world? Cats!

Today, as I was laying down to sleep, I grabbed my covers and realized the cat pissed on them and on my body pillow. Now I'm up at 1am doing laundry so I can have clean bedding and my kids are awake. FML

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By Jersey girl - 8/12/2016 07:58 - United States - Miami

Today, I requested to have the next Sunday off of my job in retail. Not only did my boss say that we're not allowed to ask for weekends off anymore, but I also have to work on another weekend that I requested off. I guess I'm not going to my sister's wedding. FML

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By Chilly - 3/3/2014 07:13 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I told my mom that my boyfriend had broken up with me. She was more upset about it than I was. She actually almost cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 01:31 - United States

Today, at work I was bored so I started to doodle on MS paint. My boss walks by and asks me to join him in his office. When I do so, he fires me for drawing offensive material. I drew a rainbow. FML

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Top comments

By Acik91 | 26

#5482000 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't mess with the pros.

By loulumpkin | 8

#5482005 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

Now become a sociologist and mind blow them. Then blame society.

Comments

By purebliss_fml | 19

#5481999 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:19

Better luck next time! Or maybe you should just be honest with them?

waterpolohezy | 6

#5482716 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:33

Pshhh but that's no fun!

For real tho this is one of the first FML's to genuinely make me laugh out loud hahaha

klaralynn | 17

#5482732 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:55

be honest with them? come on! how many people actually tell their parents the truth about every single thing that is happening in their life..?

Pyro_Wolf | 17

#5483021 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 1:06

I do 75. I just don't tell them a lot of things, that's not lying. It's just not sharing information.

tjv3 | 10

#5483118 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 3:08

They done Jedi mind tricked your ass

life_sucks225 | 13

#5528365 - Monday 10 June 2013 11:02

just dont even try next time

By Acik91 | 26

#5482000 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't mess with the pros.

mn_shr | 22

#5482029 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:59

There's no messing with that combination

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5482266 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 15:40

I believe the technical term is...being well and truly screwed. But, honesty is always the best policy.

By BatteryAddict | 11

#5482001 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't lie. Lying is never the best answer. Especially when you have parents with said occupations.

oj101 | 33

#5482085 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 12:13

Sure, lying isn't the exactly the most moral thing to do, but it can buy time and appease people in the process whilst you figure out how to deal with the situation effectively.

malheartsnutmeg | 20

#5482240 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 15:04

Everyone lies sometimes, you're about to do it right now when you tell me you don't.

rs89 | 20

#5482439 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 17:41

She didn't stand a chance I guess with said occupations...

By poopsi | 19

#5482002 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

YDI For lying. Plus didn't you know their professions before hand? Just a bad idea all around.

Fsvb | 32

#5482514 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:49

I bet you never ever lie.

poopsi | 19

#5482648 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:54

No, I do. And it's wrong when I do too. :P

By naxeeb | 32

#5482003 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

You're living Leonard Hofstadter's life, aren't you? :P

alstbv12 | 13

#5482009 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:29

I get to be Sheldon!

noreallywhat | 17

#5482010 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:32

No I am Sheldon you can Howard

annie_nk | 22

#5482014 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:42

As long as I can be Bernadette!

Mauskau | 35

#5482095 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 12:24

Bitches, I'll be Amy. I love me a tiara ;)

noreallywhat | 17

#5482291 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 16:00

Is it sad that knowing this random thread about big bang theory was the highlight of my day?

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#5482313 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 16:16

Yes it is but I felt exactly the same way

sumbum95 | 15

#5482472 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:13

Bazinga. :) I had to do that haha.

By XxXkyttiXxX | 11

#5482004 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

You were born with the odds against you on that one.

By loulumpkin | 8

#5482005 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

Now become a sociologist and mind blow them. Then blame society.

By finnrambo | 13

#5482006 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:23

you're obviously not a very smooth liar OP, either that or your parents are really good at what they do

license2chill | 5

#5483205 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 4:46

Keyword, "first time", I think most people would have caught OP lying too if they were there.

finnrambo | 13

#5483923 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 19:50

also key: "to my parents" stating she was lying to her parents for the first time so one would assume she had lied to others before

By Thisfreakingguy | 10

#5482011 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:37

Don't lie to them. Just avoid being completely honest!

Dairyking | 8

#5483179 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 4:15

Ignore this comment. I misread and this is my edit. Instead, here's a message: make today a day worth having! And happy unbirthday! (Unless it's your birthday; then happy birthday.)

By StanSmith2013 | 26

#5482012 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:38

That's what happens when you try to mess with science!