Miscellaneous: Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother...

By blondie107 - United States - Richardson

Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother is a neuroscientist and my father is a psychologist. Somehow, they managed to make me admit that I was lying before I'd even finished. FML

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blondie107 tells us more :

Today was my first success! ... Sort of. Anyone else have parents like this? I finally managed to lie undetected but.. Well.. Like I said, sort of a success.

Miscellaneous

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mind your own beeswax

By Anonymous

Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML

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By sorry, kiddo - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was explaining to my son that porn isn't a realistic depiction of sex. Just as I finished explaining to him that threesomes rarely happen in real life, he started crying. I feel like a dream-crushing monster. FML

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By father of the year - United States

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

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By Lilahpaints

My Baby Boy

Today, twelve days after stomach surgery, I birthed a left behind, forgotten blood-stained stinky surgical swab from my vagina. I have no idea why it was there in the first place. I feel violated. FML

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By sting

Winds of change

Today, I stepped on a glue trap for scorpions. Bare foot. There was a scorpion already caught on it. It wasn't dead. FML

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4969

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out how acidic some of the chemicals I work with are. After a chemical shower, minor burns, and having to throw away my clothes due to a biohazard, I had the pleasure of running across the parking lot to my car, wearing only a lab coat around my waist. FML

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By justsingle - Philippines

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me through Skype, with the message "my penis wants more, but my heart and mind don't want to hurt you." FML

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By mylifereallyISeffed - Australia

Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn't going to fire her because she's a good teacher. Every day at school I'm going to have to see her. FML

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By SkeetinKeaton - United States

Today, I let my step-father know exactly what I thought of him. After a few moments of awkward silence, he leaned towards me and quietly whispered, "Well you're adopted. Your parents never loved you." FML

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By just outdone - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, at work, we finally got a digital projector so our theater can show 3D movies. Our first movie is The Jonas Brothers Concert. FML

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By Why's it so cold in here? - United States

Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML

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By city_girl - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

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By awkwardballer

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

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By hiddenplainly - United States

Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML

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By peacexout108 - United States

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML

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23749

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By mymidlifecrisis - United States - Valley Village

Today, after years in a relationship I realized that my partner does not like the music I listen to, the food I cook, the pictures I take, the way I dress. The only thing she likes is when I take her out to eat. FML

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By DriveNowhere - Australia

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after driving hundreds of miles to sign the paperwork for my new job, I found out the guy who hired me recently quit, and HR has no idea who I am. FML

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36466

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By Anonymous

Trumped

Today, I decided to get a spray tan. I'm now more orange than the current president of the United States. FML

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772

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 00:30

Added protein

Today, I was drinking lemon juice through a straw. After finishing half of the drink, I noticed there was a cockroach in my straw. FML

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866

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By HappilyNeverAfter - Canada - Port Perry

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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46684

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By oh... - United States - Springfield

Today, I realized that when my dad said he would pay for my college, he really meant that he was going to forge my signature on a student loan in my name and not make payments on it. FML

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51294

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By bm - United States

Today, my mom and I were looking at pictures from the beach. She goes, "That is a REALLY ugly picture of Michelle" (my cousin). The picture was of me. FML

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By crazyman. - United States - Keller

TMI

Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairfax

Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML

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By Gayer men’s team

Go Team!

Today, I was sexting my girlfriend when I accidentally sent one to my swim team’s group chat. This means that 19 men got a picture of me flexing with everything on display. Worst part? I got more compliments from them than I ever got from my girlfriend. FML

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By Casper - United States

Today, a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick because I looked really pale. I told her that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted "No, that can't be normal." FML

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42074

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By RatherOCDthanNasty - Norway - Oslo

Today, my mum told me I should see a therapist when she saw me wipe down a remote before using it. My dad has a knack for blowing his nose into his hand and wiping it on his pants, and my mum is the kind to pick up food residue from the drain and eat it - but sure, I'M the one with bad habits. FML

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Today, at 3am, my boyfriend's phone notifications kept going off. I attempted to wake him up, but he didn't budge. When I went to silence it, I saw his Ashley Madison notification, followed by Tinder, Zoosk, and Plenty of Fish. We've been monogamous over a year... or so I thought. FML

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4093

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting mugged. In shock, I said, "Are you mugging me?!" To which the mugger responded, "Duh, do you think I grabbed you for your looks?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

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By creepedoutmom - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost control of my vehicle while driving. The car went off the road, rolled over, and ended up being totaled. The policeman asked me if I was alright and I said I was. He seemed relieved at my answer. Then he handed me a $300 ticket for failing to maintain my lane. FML

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By sstahpp - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By dac5

Lowered expectations

Today, I was told that couldn’t become assistant manager of my job anymore. I already told my family I was going to be one, and they'd all said how proud of me they were. FML

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By Misunderstood - United Kingdom

Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 years telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shoved them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML

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By shartface12 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

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By WhyGodWhy - United States - Addison

Today, I spent the first night in my new home as a first-time homeowner. I was relaxing and enjoying the feeling of having my own space when I reached over to get my glasses and came back with a cockroach. FML

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By Anon - Australia

Head in the Clouds

Today, my 33-year-old brother told my 10-year-old daughter that clouds are made by factories blowing smoke. My daughter laughed at him and he got upset. He still believed my dad's lie from 25 years ago. FML

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Top comments

By Acik91 | 26

#5482000 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't mess with the pros.

By loulumpkin | 8

#5482005 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

Now become a sociologist and mind blow them. Then blame society.

COMMENTS

By purebliss_fml | 19

#5481999 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:19

Better luck next time! Or maybe you should just be honest with them?

waterpolohezy | 6

#5482716 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:33

Pshhh but that's no fun!

For real tho this is one of the first FML's to genuinely make me laugh out loud hahaha

klaralynn | 17

#5482732 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:55

be honest with them? come on! how many people actually tell their parents the truth about every single thing that is happening in their life..?

Pyro_Wolf | 17

#5483021 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 1:06

I do 75. I just don't tell them a lot of things, that's not lying. It's just not sharing information.

tjv3 | 10

#5483118 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 3:08

They done Jedi mind tricked your ass

life_sucks225 | 13

#5528365 - Monday 10 June 2013 11:02

just dont even try next time

By Acik91 | 26

#5482000 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't mess with the pros.

mn_shr | 22

#5482029 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:59

There's no messing with that combination

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5482266 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 15:40

I believe the technical term is...being well and truly screwed. But, honesty is always the best policy.

By BatteryAddict | 11

#5482001 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't lie. Lying is never the best answer. Especially when you have parents with said occupations.

oj101 | 33

#5482085 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 12:13

Sure, lying isn't the exactly the most moral thing to do, but it can buy time and appease people in the process whilst you figure out how to deal with the situation effectively.

malheartsnutmeg | 20

#5482240 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 15:04

Everyone lies sometimes, you're about to do it right now when you tell me you don't.

rs89 | 20

#5482439 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 17:41

She didn't stand a chance I guess with said occupations...

By poopsi | 19

#5482002 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

YDI For lying. Plus didn't you know their professions before hand? Just a bad idea all around.

Fsvb | 32

#5482514 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:49

I bet you never ever lie.

poopsi | 19

#5482648 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:54

No, I do. And it's wrong when I do too. :P

By naxeeb | 33

#5482003 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

You're living Leonard Hofstadter's life, aren't you? :P

alstbv12 | 13

#5482009 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:29

I get to be Sheldon!

noreallywhat | 17

#5482010 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:32

No I am Sheldon you can Howard

annie_nk | 22

#5482014 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:42

As long as I can be Bernadette!

Mauskau | 35

#5482095 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 12:24

Bitches, I'll be Amy. I love me a tiara ;)

noreallywhat | 17

#5482291 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 16:00

Is it sad that knowing this random thread about big bang theory was the highlight of my day?

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#5482313 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 16:16

Yes it is but I felt exactly the same way

sumbum95 | 15

#5482472 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:13

Bazinga. :) I had to do that haha.

By XxXkyttiXxX | 11

#5482004 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

You were born with the odds against you on that one.

By loulumpkin | 8

#5482005 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

Now become a sociologist and mind blow them. Then blame society.

By finnrambo | 13

#5482006 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:23

you're obviously not a very smooth liar OP, either that or your parents are really good at what they do

license2chill | 5

#5483205 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 4:46

Keyword, "first time", I think most people would have caught OP lying too if they were there.

finnrambo | 13

#5483923 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 19:50

also key: "to my parents" stating she was lying to her parents for the first time so one would assume she had lied to others before

By Thisfreakingguy | 10

#5482011 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:37

Don't lie to them. Just avoid being completely honest!

Dairyking | 8

#5483179 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 4:15

Ignore this comment. I misread and this is my edit. Instead, here's a message: make today a day worth having! And happy unbirthday! (Unless it's your birthday; then happy birthday.)

By StanSmith2013 | 26

#5482012 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:38

That's what happens when you try to mess with science!