Miscellaneous: Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother...

By blondie107 - 07/05/2013 00:52 - United States - Richardson

Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother is a neuroscientist and my father is a psychologist. Somehow, they managed to make me admit that I was lying before I'd even finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 544

You deserved it 44 188

blondie107 tells us more.

blondie107 20

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Monday 1 July 2013 22:40

Today was my first success! ... Sort of. Anyone else have parents like this? I finally managed to lie undetected but.. Well.. Like I said, sort of a success.

Miscellaneous

Compromises

Mama's boy

Stop talking!

Far out, man

By PickedOff - 27/04/2012 08:22 - United States

Today, I was worried about my brother because he said that his new medication was making him hallucinate. I told him he should see a doctor right away. He said it was fine and that he had already seen a doctor. I later found out the doctor he was talking about was a hallucination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 027

You deserved it 2 598

By badparent - 08/04/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 000

You deserved it 6 896

Suspicious

By Anonymous - 22/04/2021 11:01

Today, I found out why I’ve been covering most of the bills and the rent. Turns out my boyfriend is paying a very expensive OnlyFans subscription for his female bestie. When I confronted him about it, he responded by yelling, “It’s not like that!” and punched our glass patio door, shattering it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 303

You deserved it 198

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, I got an angry text, asking me why I wasn't at the staff dinner. I've been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I wasn't told about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 93

But my grandbabiiiiiiies!

By Anonymous - 21/09/2021 02:00

Today, my mother was sneaking through my underwear and found my condoms and the bills from the hospital where I had my IUD inserted. She then started yelling at me, saying that I didn't have permission to not have children and that, "I get to choose, not you." I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 014

You deserved it 159

By green2black - 19/05/2010 07:09 - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 908

You deserved it 14 547

By Anonymous - 16/05/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 721

You deserved it 32 175

By Anonymous - 03/11/2011 06:22 - Australia

Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 100

You deserved it 4 182

Fighting fit

By AnonThoughts - 24/10/2019 06:00

Today, my body is so messed up that I pulled a muscle in my side while farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 389

You deserved it 303

By ohhelllllno - 20/04/2009 10:05 - Canada

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 081

You deserved it 19 690

By Wickls - 18/12/2008 08:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought "Angus, thongs and perfect snogging" on DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 100

You deserved it 29 269

By ... - 29/12/2010 15:24

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 404

You deserved it 3 382

By Mothertucker - 08/03/2017 00:00

Today, I came across one of the pitfalls of having open discussions with my 15-year-old son when he asked me how to shave his pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 642

You deserved it 660

By Anonymous - 04/02/2016 22:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my psycho-obsessed ex-girlfriend blabbed all about how she got a check in the mail for $1000 from CrimeStoppers on Facebook and Twitter. This explains how my current girlfriend and two of my friends all got arrested last week for having weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 006

You deserved it 4 977

Crazy people

By nowhere to go - 12/12/2021 14:01

Today, I was stuck in the drive-thru line from hell. The guy in front of me started freaking out and demanded that I back out so he could pull out. I tried to tell him there were cars behind me, but that didn’t stop him from getting out of his car and kicking out my headlights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 059

You deserved it 58

By Anonymous - 11/08/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 748

You deserved it 4 342

By Anonymous - 25/02/2011 14:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that I can fit back into the clothes I wore in High School. I was proud of this until my husband told me that I look like a stuffed sausage in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 171

You deserved it 11 063

By fuuu. - 19/03/2012 12:39 - Hong Kong

Today, while painting a wall, I handed a bucket of paint up to my friend who was standing on the top rung of a ladder. She said she felt dizzy, and came crashing down on me, along with the paint on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 210

You deserved it 2 555

By Anonymous - 16/05/2012 04:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 350

You deserved it 2 693

By Mith - 04/02/2009 10:56 - Poland

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 335

You deserved it 17 956

People have lists?!

By Anonymous - 22/09/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I found my girlfriend's list of people she's slept with on her Google docs. There was 11 names after mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 771

You deserved it 191

By treats - 02/11/2010 07:13 - Singapore

Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 268

You deserved it 3 584

By Anonymous - 09/04/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 258

You deserved it 216

By snidpea - 31/01/2010 17:07 - France

Today, I sprained my ankle while playing soccer. I still have to walk home. In the rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 001

You deserved it 3 471

By Anonymous - 03/08/2009 14:50 - United States

Today, I got fired from work. Why? I finally took a stand for myself and confronted my co-worker of writing things up in my name for herself, and it getting deducted from my check. So she goes to the manager and accuses me of sexual harassment. Everyone applauded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 950

You deserved it 3 923

By sadwife - 31/05/2009 18:07 - United States

Today, I woke up and my husband said he got me a gift for our 1 year anniversary and it was on the table. We laid around cuddling and when I finally got up I was expecting to walk out to beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got two pack of cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 566

You deserved it 10 717

By :( - 19/03/2013 20:12 - United States - Hilton Head Island

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 841

You deserved it 4 024

By bodhimae - 03/05/2009 07:15 - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 016

You deserved it 2 354

By Anonymous - 20/07/2012 20:26 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 482

You deserved it 3 111

By GogglesGoggles - 23/12/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a guy punched me in the subway for staring at his girlfriend. I had dark glasses on, and was fast asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 761

You deserved it 3 608

By Anonymous - 24/01/2015 20:26 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my husband came home, drunk and with lipstick smeared on his face. When I confronted him about it, he just slurred, "Ah don't worry babe, it ain't mine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 139

You deserved it 2 929

By oh lord - 27/05/2012 16:06 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 499

You deserved it 16 851

By ugh - 26/12/2012 14:05 - United States - Troy

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 011

You deserved it 3 368

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 23:01

Today, after years of not meeting my partner's family, along with the new arrival of our daughter, we decided to travel to meet them all and introduce our bundle of joy. Instead of the usual welcoming committee, all they could go on about was whether or not my daughter was his because of how fair toned she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 88

By Anonymous - 01/05/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, I wanted to take my girlfriend to a nice dinner before prom. Her parents followed her in, and joined us to "keep an eye on me." They interrupted all our conversations, ate an expensive meal, then got up and walked out when the waitress brought the $95 check, leaving me to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 636

You deserved it 4 452

By dee - 03/07/2011 05:36 - United States

Today, I decided to sing a sweet lullaby to my two year old son. In the process, he smacked me in the face and told me to please stop. My sister sings to him all the time and he loves it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 962

You deserved it 6 439

By doblex - 20/12/2012 11:19 - United States

Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 312

You deserved it 9 033

Hogs gone wild

By NotoriousSRJ - 28/01/2011 15:43 - Canada

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 205

You deserved it 4 316

By depressed - 22/02/2010 07:23 - United States

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 776

You deserved it 26 268

By Anonymous - 07/05/2012 05:25 - United States - North Bergen

Today, I went to a river near my house. They have several swing ropes that you grab and then jump into the river. As I was about to let go of the rope, my leg got tangled and I was held underwater. My mom watched and laughed for a while before she came to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 527

You deserved it 3 033

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Top comments

Acik91 26

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't mess with the pros.

loulumpkin 8

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

Now become a sociologist and mind blow them. Then blame society.

purebliss_fml 19

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:19

Better luck next time! Or maybe you should just be honest with them?

waterpolohezy 6

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:33

Pshhh but that's no fun! For real tho this is one of the first FML's to genuinely make me laugh out loud hahaha

klaralynn 17

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:55

be honest with them? come on! how many people actually tell their parents the truth about every single thing that is happening in their life..?

Pyro_Wolf 17

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 1:06

I do 75. I just don't tell them a lot of things, that's not lying. It's just not sharing information.

tjv3 10

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 3:08

They done Jedi mind tricked your ass

life_sucks225 13

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Monday 10 June 2013 11:02

just dont even try next time

Acik91 26

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't mess with the pros.

mn_shr 22

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:59

There's no messing with that combination

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 15:40

I believe the technical term is...being well and truly screwed. But, honesty is always the best policy.

BatteryAddict 11

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

Don't lie. Lying is never the best answer. Especially when you have parents with said occupations.

oj101 33

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 12:13

Sure, lying isn't the exactly the most moral thing to do, but it can buy time and appease people in the process whilst you figure out how to deal with the situation effectively.

malheartsnutmeg 20

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 15:04

Everyone lies sometimes, you're about to do it right now when you tell me you don't.

rs89 20

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 17:41

She didn't stand a chance I guess with said occupations...

poopsi 19

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

YDI For lying. Plus didn't you know their professions before hand? Just a bad idea all around.

Fsvb 32

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:49

I bet you never ever lie.

poopsi 19

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:54

No, I do. And it's wrong when I do too. :P

naxeeb 33

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:21

You're living Leonard Hofstadter's life, aren't you? :P

alstbv12 13

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:29

I get to be Sheldon!

noreallywhat 17

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:32

No I am Sheldon you can Howard

annie_nk 22

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:42

As long as I can be Bernadette!

Mauskau 35

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 12:24

Bitches, I'll be Amy. I love me a tiara ;)

noreallywhat 17

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 16:00

Is it sad that knowing this random thread about big bang theory was the highlight of my day?

Feklfekl2222 32

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 16:16

Yes it is but I felt exactly the same way

sumbum95 15

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:13

Bazinga. :) I had to do that haha.

XxXkyttiXxX 11

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

You were born with the odds against you on that one.

loulumpkin 8

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:22

Now become a sociologist and mind blow them. Then blame society.

finnrambo 13

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:23

you're obviously not a very smooth liar OP, either that or your parents are really good at what they do

license2chill 5

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 4:46

Keyword, "first time", I think most people would have caught OP lying too if they were there.

finnrambo 13

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 19:50

also key: "to my parents" stating she was lying to her parents for the first time so one would assume she had lied to others before

Thisfreakingguy 10

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Tuesday 7 May 2013 10:37

Don't lie to them. Just avoid being completely honest!

Dairyking 8

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 4:15

Ignore this comment. I misread and this is my edit. Instead, here's a message: make today a day worth having! And happy unbirthday! (Unless it's your birthday; then happy birthday.)