Intimacy: Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in...

By princess - 17/03/2009 05:06 - Canada

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

I agree, your life sucks 151 691

You deserved it 40 540

Intimacy

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Mama's boy

This Charming Man

By neelloc83 - 02/03/2009 14:22 - United States

Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said "We're not ready for our table yet". Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend who I've met several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 060

You deserved it 67 957

You're in the army now, oh ohoh, you're in the army. Now.

By LoveGlove - 21/06/2014 21:42 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 045

You deserved it 4 937

Today, on Maury…

By MIA - 15/09/2019 06:03

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 004

You deserved it 159

By ineedanewjob - 09/04/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 951

You deserved it 36 153

By me - 14/06/2014 15:28 - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 853

You deserved it 4 629

By thegrandchawhee - 29/08/2015 17:13 - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 982

You deserved it 1 789

By sasquatch21 - 21/02/2010 13:36 - Bahrain

Today, I realized that my husband has a video games addiction. I am currently pregnant; he brought us to the same country he's in so we can finally live together, only for me to witness him being glued to his laptop all day and all night playing WoW. He's forgotten I even existed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 532

You deserved it 5 876

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 16:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 761

You deserved it 5 632

Unloveable

By Anonymous - 16/01/2021 23:01

Today, I was paired up with a girl in my class for a project. She started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 73

By Anonymous - 30/09/2015 10:18 - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 175

You deserved it 2 106

By xero_art - 26/06/2009 09:51 - United States

Today, it's my birthday and I received a signed vintage Beatles' album from my wife. Awesome right? It's the same album some jerk way over-bidded me for on eBay. That jerk was my wife, using my credit card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 755

You deserved it 7 720

By hjkashld - 24/04/2012 01:48 - United States

Today, I faked back pain to get out of sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 489

You deserved it 36 365

By IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - 20/12/2011 11:49 - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 751

You deserved it 3 516

By fucker43 - 02/06/2013 06:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my friend made an effort to draw a penis on every page in my analysis textbook in pen. I have to return this tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 728

You deserved it 4 714

By Turnaround - 07/11/2014 12:28

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 340

You deserved it 18 692

By bowler - 13/12/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the bowling alley. The manager was busy and asked if I could wait. Let's just say I've never bowled before, and I wanted to know how deep the hole was on the bowling ball. The interview ended with him spitting on my finger, trying to get it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 691

You deserved it 33 369

Joe Bidet

By tmrwsmggls - 16/11/2020 14:01 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. Right as I sat down and started taking a dump, I looked over at the empty toilet paper roll and remembered his roommate had told us the night before that they were out of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 311

By dead - 09/03/2010 00:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 538

You deserved it 6 452

By Anonymous - 31/08/2010 21:40 - United States

Today, I was forced to spend an extra $318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn't for my daughter, my mom, or my sister, but for the quarter of my butt that apparently needs its own seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 847

You deserved it 70 403

By JJMan217 - 29/03/2011 06:28 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 269

You deserved it 76 695

By hairless - 30/07/2010 06:45 - Australia

Today, I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn't go down on me as he didn't like the hair. Now he won't sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 283

You deserved it 10 084

Get with the times

By Anonymous - 16/09/2021 14:00

Today, I went to mediation with 5 managers and a coworker I do not get along with. Everyone in the room was at least 20 years younger than me, and the entire meeting was them telling me to drag myself into the present century and basically do whatever the younger, "smarter" people say, or else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 319

By anonymous - 19/11/2016 18:35 - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I was eating lunch on my first date with a really pretty girl, when my ex shows up at the same restaurant and starts telling her how bad of a boyfriend I was. My date left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 295

You deserved it 1 464

By Username - 28/03/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has been slipping me abortion pills to "supplement" my regular birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 218

You deserved it 5 450

Are you taking the piss?

By Anonymous - 28/05/2019 14:00

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 447

You deserved it 852

By anonymous - 08/12/2011 10:37 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. As soon as I began to climax, he started repeatedly asking, "Are you done? Are you done yet? Are you done?" Well, NOW I am. Thanks, honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 035

You deserved it 4 252

By Deli meat prom - 20/04/2015 21:41 - United States - Dallas

Today, my prom dress came in the mail. I don't know what happened with the tailoring but not only does it not fit, but it also looks like deli meat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 431

You deserved it 3 409

Classic

By Anonymous - 21/07/2020 23:01

Today, I caught my sister in bed with my girlfriend. I’m not sure what’s worse, the cheating, the fact I’ve never managed to make my girlfriend moan like that, or the fact this is the second girlfriend she’s stolen from me in the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 525

You deserved it 305

By anonymous - 07/02/2012 09:27 - United States

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 230

You deserved it 2 328

By Piggirl - 13/07/2018 19:00

Today, one day after our 12-year wedding anniversary, which my husband failed to acknowledge, I found a receipt in his pocket for chlamydia testing. We haven't had sex in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 169

You deserved it 968

By Lisa - 19/09/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, after being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, I poured my heart out to my dad. He nodded and looked sympathetic throughout. Afterwards, I asked him what I should do. He replied, "How the hell should I know?" and awkwardly left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 869

You deserved it 5 680

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 18:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 885

You deserved it 3 919

By weak - 23/02/2014 14:36 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 311

You deserved it 22 522

By toe - 03/02/2015 03:14 - United States - Sullivan

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 559

You deserved it 44 960

By noiguessitsbroken :( - 07/08/2013 12:24 - Lithuania - Kaunas

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 640

You deserved it 4 827

By Anonymous - 26/08/2014 18:11 - Latvia - Riga

Today, my boss asked me if I could work this weekend, doing the work of 2 people, for almost no extra pay. I had a weekend out with my kids planned, so I said I couldn't. My boss called it a shitty excuse, yet gave a free pass to a guy who claimed he had a "phobia of working on weekends". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 631

You deserved it 2 680

By mypelvishurts - 23/02/2013 07:32 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my boss told me to go outside and take part in the company's stupid Harlem Shake video. When I declined, he threatened to fire me if I didn't take part. I ended up being the guy who had to furiously pelvic thrust before the music dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 103

You deserved it 6 611

By Anonymous - 23/03/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 917

You deserved it 11 787

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 06:29 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 942

You deserved it 10 241

By Me - 20/12/2010 06:22

Today, I went horseback riding with this guy I like. I asked him to help me get on the horse. I slipped, and while trying to keep my balance, I kicked him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 885

You deserved it 5 711

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Top comments

latuka 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:03

OUCH.

Jimboom 11

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:08

So he couldn't be arsed to have phone sex? So what? Usually it takes a long time and the guy could have brought himself to orgasm at least twice by the time the dirty talk turns the women on enough to climax. I see no FML here. More like FMF (fuck my fingers). Buy a vibrator. On a side note it's really his loss. Phone sex can be very hot. :)

latuka 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:03

OUCH.

ilovefatcats 12

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Sunday 7 February 2010 6:13

jerk.

FreddyMustDie 0

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Friday 16 July 2010 16:32

He has a point... It's kind of expected of guys that they'll always be ready and willing. If a girl declined that offer no-one would bat an eyelid. Can't we be "too tired" as well?

LoadFasterPage 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 8:27

did u use em? XD

SarahStarzz 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 3:26

so? OP ur life is not fucked cuz ur bf wasn't in the mood,I am sure u wouldn't drive 2 his house in the middle of the night if he asked u 2 ..... so get over it -.-

Kalira69 9

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Saturday 4 February 2012 9:37

Yeah, a guy can be not in the mood, sure, but there's definitely something to the way he said it, too. Saying "I'm tired" or "I'm not in the mood" or even "I'm going to sleep" is not exactly like saying "you have fingers, use them" I'm sure it was an embarrassing moment for OP, too.

Jimboom 11

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:08

TWSSMoment 0

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Thursday 11 February 2010 5:50

specialy if you have a ugly gf that why you don't have to see her face you can just think of another girl.

RyanZhang22 1

Monday 14 June 2010 10:56

phone sex is for pussies. he should go over to your house and have sex with you, op!!!

DNWVF 0

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Friday 30 July 2010 7:00

exactly :)

gabbbbbbbyy 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 22:01

lol!

Guch 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:10

Not really a FML but whatever.

anykey 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:13

I think I might have to use that line every once and a while. Seriously, the man needs his sleep!

pokipoki 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:14

next time do the same to him when he asked for one "you got hands. use them. btw, unlike you, my fingers are fast learners." he's probably just tired. i mean he'd have to get ready, go to your place.. etc etc.. such a hassle.

Dude_fml 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:16

Sleeping is the pinnacle of your day, why would you trade that for sex bah you guys disgust me

ownedurmom 1

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Thursday 8 September 2011 11:25

Hmmm ..................... Cool story bro. (:

shorgenfunkel 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:18

Whether you deserved this depends on what time of day you texted him. If it was anything before 10AM or after 10PM, his response is understandable.

HomeBurger 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:20

He opted for something other than sex ONE TIME and you flip out? Besides, if it's a text, he clearly wasn't in the same area, so fuck you for expecting him to sprint over at your beck and call. Unless you provide the same service for him, which somehow I doubt.

alliewillie 22

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Saturday 30 June 2012 20:49

It's not even that he didn't "come to her aid" it's that he said "you got fingers, use them". To me THATS the FML. I wouldn't mind if my bf wasn't in the mood but that comment would bother me.

abouttofly 12

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:21

So your boyfriend wasn't in the mood for sex one day? I don't see what's so bad about that. No one is in the mood 100% of the time.

IHateTheBritish 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 6:09

are you serious? get out of america

Bubs_fml 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 16:22

Well, if this was late at night, you can't just expect him to get back out of bed and go to your place. Sex is great, but you can't expect the dude to drop everything he's doing just because you're in the mood. I wouldn't expect that of any girl I date. Then again, there's no details here so no room to make assumptions.

IHateTheBritish 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 6:11

shut the fuck up youve never been laid if a girl says that to me im there in a second, like really why are you so serious its fuckin fml. go back to canada, get out of my united states.

Upon_A_Burning_B 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 4:24

IHateTheBritish, your name just shows how much of an ignorant twat you are. If you would drop everything your doing for sex, you must be pretty desperate. Also, "Your America"? I didn't realize you were the owner of a country inhabited by over three-hundred million people. Please have someone peel off your skin and dump salt on you. That is all.