Today, I stepped away from my desk for a few minutes only to... - FML

By Anonymous - 5/11/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I stepped away from my desk for a few minutes only to return to find the general manager installing updates on my computer. This wouldn't have been an issue had I not pulled up a website explaining in great detail the effects and causes of vaginal yeast infections. FML

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Social distancing gone wrong

A beautiful truck decoration

Risky business

By potpurri_needed - 10/6/2009 17:37 - United States

Today, I was doing the laundry, but couldn't tell if one basket contained dirty clothes or clean clothes. I put my head down into the basket and took a whiff to check, and smelled something strong. I looked down and noticed I had shoved my nose into my mother's dirty panties and inhaled deeply. FML

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By Bugga2018 - 22/5/2016 23:52 - United States - Freeport

Today, I went into the basement to do laundry. There is a little rope on the outside of the door to lock it. I was down there for 20 minutes, and came back up the stairs to find it locked. Turns out, my 3 year-old sister did it, then our parents took her to the park. I was stuck down there for 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 05:17 - United States

Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about 15 minutes, saying I needed to be fired because I couldn't get rid of all the flies buzzing around her food. She was the one who chose to eat on our patio. FML

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By Mels - 6/1/2014 20:57 - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

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By defectivesuperhero - 26/10/2018 13:30

Today, I couldn't get my car hood to open to check the fluids. A few miles down the highway, though, it popped right open. FML

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By Kiddo - 2/9/2013 06:49 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after months of patiently waiting, I finally got my roommates out of the house for the night so I could have sex with my boyfriend for the first time without being interrupted. He couldn't get it up. FML

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By Rachel - 20/7/2012 05:13 - United States

Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

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By PineapplePizza - 15/8/2016 07:41 - United States - Irwin

Today, I should be starting my last year of college next week. But no. My old advisor messed up my schedule so badly that there's no way I'll graduate for another year. So I'll be in school five years for a four year program because as a freshman I thought my advisor was helping me. FML

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By kel - 10/2/2010 17:34 - United States

Today, in between the passing times at school, one of my classmates opened the door to my next class, so I turned to tell him thank you. Apparently, he was opening it for the teacher who was leaving. I collided with her and her very hot cup of coffee. FML

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By stupidassgeek - 15/6/2016 13:22 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

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By SwingingGallows - 15/7/2016 15:43

Today, I bought my mother an expensive TV she had been looking at. After I bought it, she continued browsing for more stuff. I told her I couldn't afford the extra items. She got mad and called me "selfish". FML

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By OUCH - 19/5/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood I was hit by a car not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped and then drove forward to see if I was all right. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 05:01

Helping hand

Today, my granny has been constipated for the past two days. She is too weak to get out of bed, so I ended up trying to dig the poop out of her butthole with a spoon. Yay me. FML

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By Uknowwh - 4/11/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend and the guy I had a crush on for 2 years are getting married. The worst part is that they've been dating for 2 years in secret, and just came out about it now. I've been telling her for 2 years how much I like him, and she's encouraged me the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 15:32 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

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By bad surprise - 26/1/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

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By ballbreath - 16/7/2014 15:44 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2013 09:06 - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

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By shit - 14/12/2010 09:26 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

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By misoranomegami - 21/6/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

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By Tori - 30/12/2017 19:00

Today, I got news that I had "delighted a customer" so I looked at the review online. It says, "The fat girl up front was nice." FML

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By epicc1584 - 30/7/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

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By sluttyfox - 31/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was excited to finally receive my Halloween costume in the mail after the one I ordered back in September got lost in transit. Upon reaching my mailbox, I saw the lock had been broken off and my new costume had been stolen. The party is tomorrow. FML

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By varsity soccer player - 19/8/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, I had my first day of soccer tryouts. We began with a two mile run. Trying to be honest for once, I didn't lie about my time. Everyone else did. I thus got the worst score, and had to run it again. FML

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By queenmeme - 8/10/2014 06:02 - United States - Redlands

Today, I showed my mom a picture of a baby sloth. She then said, "Wait, sloths are real?" She thought Ice Age made them up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2013 12:17 - United States - Southfield

Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML

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By anon - 26/7/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from the restaurant I work at because I missed my shift. I missed it because I was in the hospital for food poisoning from the meal I ate at work last night. FML

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By wf - 14/9/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

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By hispanicsmyass - 26/10/2020 16:59 - United States - Cleveland

Dad of the year

Today, my ex thinks he's such a good parent that he is arguing about making up parenting time. Yet our court agreement says he's to be responsible for doctor's appointments, carry health insurance for our child, and life insurance. Plus pay child support. None of which he has followed through on. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2019 22:00

Today, I caught a ride with a coworker in their brand new mercedes. They spent the drive passionately talking about how it made them a better driver and all the people that say otherwise are idiots. After running three stop signs and nearly sideswiped a mini-van I decided to walk the last mile. FML

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By pubemilkshake - 8/12/2014 02:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

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By almostmugged - 17/9/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, three burly men suddenly began to approach me. Thinking they were going to mug me, I reached for my pocketknife and said "Stay away, I have a knife." Turns out they just wanted directions to an ice cream shop for their daughters, who were now bawling their eyes out. FML

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By fs - 23/11/2013 23:45 - United States - Northfield

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML

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By Nearis - 16/2/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2018 06:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, I finally came out to my dad, who is a priest, as gay. He responded by splashing me with holy water to "banish the demon within" me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 19:00 - Canada - Toronto

Talk about not getting the picture…

Today, I finally worked up the courage to break up with my boyfriend. His parents weren't able to pick him up for 5 hours. I ended up taking him to a movie to kill time and end on a positive note, but now he thinks we're cool and back on track. FML

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By middleagednurse - 4/10/2017 23:37

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

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By Lexi - 31/10/2009 20:15 - France

Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft Dinner, I spilled boiling water all over my hands and forearms while attempting to strain the noodles. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2019 00:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my sister. FML

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Top comments

By Luckster | 0

#655831 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:41

That's why you look up this stuff at home instead of the work computer. Saves yourself the embarrassment and the possibility of getting busted for improper use of work equipment.

By jchansfan | 0

#655848 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:56

Because closing it when you stepped away would just be ridiculous...

COMMENTS

By growingupnextmon | 3

#655809 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:21

Wow, where do you work?

Reply

Reyo | 2

#656832 - Friday 6 November 2009 1:05

Perhaps it's best to let that type of research wait for your home computer...

By FMY_FYL | 0

#655810 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:22

well at least now he knows why he keeps giving his wife them.

Reply

baconstrips | 12

#2925692 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 1:12

it's a girl...

Reply

longtimesunshine | 4

#5147452 - Wednesday 14 November 2012 9:52

45 maybe 2 meant the DM?

Reply

longtimesunshine | 4

#5147464 - Wednesday 14 November 2012 9:55

GM *

By angleod | 0

#655815 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:27

Well, if you feel the urge to itch, he'll understand now.

By Luckster | 0

#655831 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:41

That's why you look up this stuff at home instead of the work computer. Saves yourself the embarrassment and the possibility of getting busted for improper use of work equipment.

Reply

DeadxManxWalking | 27

#2591373 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 4:16

same as the guy who looked up porn on the news?

By nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#655835 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:43

Are you one of those women who loves douches?

By jchansfan | 0

#655848 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:56

Because closing it when you stepped away would just be ridiculous...

Reply

Rayn4u_fml | 0

#656050 - Thursday 5 November 2009 13:34

My thoughts exactly...whoever still doesn't lock their PC when they leave their desk deserves this kind of embarassment. FAIL!

Reply

BeeSkwaird | 0

#656059 - Thursday 5 November 2009 13:38

Agreed.

Reply

jc1015 | 23

#7900235 - Friday 24 April 2020 3:15

or not doing stuff like that at work...even more ridiculous

By lostfaithinpppl | 19

#655856 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:06

That's why you don't do that stuff at work :D

By blastvortex | 3

#655869 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:23

Come, now. You're the one who was silly enough to leave that up on your computer anyway. Besides, do you really think that you should've been doing that at work? *eyeroll*

By BellaMuerte_fml | 0

#655882 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:31

You really shouldn't do that kind of stuff at work, tbh.
Anyways, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I mean, so what?

By Flutist | 3

#655912 - Thursday 5 November 2009 11:34

No wonder it was embarrasing, since he ate you out last night.

Reply

roflrawrlol | 0

#826445 - Friday 5 February 2010 5:08

win? fail? I'm so confused!!!