Work: Today, I started my new job. Only after I met my new boss did... - FML

18/09/2013 18:31 - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I started my new job. Only after I met my new boss did I realise I've met him before. He was at my friend's party last month, the only time in my life when I got so wasted that I danced on a table before puking on myself. He remembers me, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 148

You deserved it 11 996

There's no helping some people

BO Central

Skinny issues

02/08/2014 04:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 068

You deserved it 6 443

23/02/2012 08:00 - United States

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 016

You deserved it 6 566

21/12/2012 16:00 - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 597

You deserved it 18 520

30/08/2016 20:32 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 850

You deserved it 877

26/08/2014 02:37 - United States - Cypress

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 107

You deserved it 11 738

13/11/2010 06:29 - United States

Today, I went to the waterpark and my kids were fighting so I grounded them both. We concluded the day by boogey boarding on a mechanical wave. There was so much water I didn't realize my boobs had completely fallen out of my bikini. As revenge, my kids didn't tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 687

You deserved it 20 615

19/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was in the middle of a wank when my home's back door, which is always locked, suddenly opened and someone walked in. I’m not sure who was more surprised: me or the new maintenance guy who saw me wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 262

You deserved it 619

24/09/2015 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was waiting in the McDonald's drive-thru and listening to some music. I was tapping my non-driving foot to the song when I accidentally tapped the wrong foot and rear ended the cop car in front of me. Whoops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 020

You deserved it 27 808

23/05/2015 07:03 - United States - Tampa

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 034

You deserved it 2 516

Bad timing

By amya - 17/10/2009 08:39 - Canada

Today, I had a phone interview for a job I've had my eye on forever. I was dumped a few hours before the interview, but was okay until I was put on hold with music playing. Me and my boyfriend's song came on and I started bawling. I could hardly talk when they took me off hold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 286

You deserved it 9 901

25/12/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 122

You deserved it 3 785

Yeet it

By Anonymous - 22/05/2020 05:00

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend is on the pill, and even though my girlfriend took emergency contraception, she became pregnant days after the first time we had sex without a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 269

You deserved it 1 056

31/10/2014 12:58 - United States

Today, we told my fiancé's parents that I'm pregnant. His mom's response? "I'm going to throw up. You can't raise a child." We are both 28, self-sufficient and everyone else is thrilled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 072

You deserved it 3 042

Sixth sense

By RecentCollegeGrad - 17/06/2015 18:09

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 448

You deserved it 9 880

10/08/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 872

You deserved it 5 884

08/01/2010 18:48 - United States

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 192

You deserved it 37 199

02/09/2011 07:48 - Romania

Today, at work, my boss stared at me from behind while I made hand gestures and noises at a toaster. I was pretending to be Magneto. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 806

You deserved it 33 112

Keep your distance

By Oddy - 17/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Today, I travelled by myself for the first time. I was seated next to a middle-aged man who was trying to convince me that I was his soulmate, kept touching my face and sniffing me. I'm 19 and it was a 6 hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 169

You deserved it 64

22/04/2009 18:24 - China

Today, I was the best man at a wedding and I was flirting with a cute bridesmaid. Then this old guy decides to give the newlyweds a toast. He made a crappy joke and barely anybody laughed. So I say to the girl, "Wow that sucked, who the hell does he think he is?" The girl replies, "That's my dad". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 197

You deserved it 73 317

27/09/2010 07:03 - United States

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 563

You deserved it 13 734

26/06/2016 12:22 - Australia - West End

Spicy

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 388

You deserved it 5 441

05/06/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room... where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 900

You deserved it 75 214

02/12/2009 13:27 - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 794

You deserved it 3 910

28/12/2018 20:00

Today, my boyfriend called work because he is sick. Then he called me 4 times while I was working, to complain that I was working, and then he got mad when I told him I was sick and worked a double shift 2 days in a row, apparently that is insensitive of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 680

You deserved it 224

Don't engage with these people

By fuck you! - 15/04/2021 05:00

Today, I overheard my mom telling my aunt what an “attention-seeking drama queen” I’ve been lately. All I asked was that she not smoke around me. I’ve had asthma all my life and am currently recovering from Covid. She thinks it’s all a conspiracy, meanwhile I haven’t taken a deep breath in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 308

You deserved it 79

18/02/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, my mom called asking for advice on how to flirt with her personal trainer. I thought she was joking and asked her what Dad would think. Turns out they're getting divorced. They decided this three weeks ago. No one told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 712

You deserved it 2 075

18/03/2011 16:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 272

You deserved it 9 547

18/05/2012 07:22 - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door from the neighbor saying "I saw a coyote eat your dog, but was afraid it was rabid." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 987

You deserved it 2 605

14/03/2011 06:53

Today, my ex-girlfriend moved out. I came back to a sparsely furnished home, she even took the shower head, my beard trimmer, and the soap from the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 016

You deserved it 5 636

21/04/2016 19:15 - United States - Whitehall

Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 190

You deserved it 1 518

19/07/2014 22:38 - United States

Today, I was browsing the People of Walmart site, chuckling at all the weirdos on there, when I came across a picture of my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 881

You deserved it 7 891

22/12/2012 22:55 - United States - Wyandotte

Spicy

Today, because my boyfriend drives a 2-seated sports car, I had to awkwardly sit on his brother's lap as we drove to the store. I soon felt a poking sensation through his pants, just a few minutes before we hit a bumpy road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 079

You deserved it 6 959

07/12/2012 21:28 - United States

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 421

You deserved it 3 162

11/05/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, it's the five year anniversary of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 229

You deserved it 11 267

17/03/2013 10:25 - United States - Evanston

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 929

You deserved it 7 511

11/02/2010 20:15 - United States

Today, I went in to a job interview with 6 other girls my age. I tried to sit down on a chair exactly like the ones every other girl was sitting on. Then, one of the interviewers offered to get me a more "sturdy" chair. For the entire interview, I got to sit in the "fat girl chair". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 598

You deserved it 8 871

21/07/2010 16:08 - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 756

You deserved it 47 053

03/06/2011 14:04 - United States

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 931

You deserved it 59 847

Narcissus

By Anonymous - 13/09/2021 17:00

Today, my friend isn't speaking to me since I came out to her. Not because she's a homophobe, but because she's mortally offended that I didn't confess my love in the process. Seems that everyone who's attracted to women should be attracted to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 85

27/11/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 271

You deserved it 559

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:03

Well that will be an awkward boss/employee relationship

Voij 16

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:03

Perhaps not the most pleasant of ways to learn to regulate your alcohol consumption, what with it being your workplace and all, but better to learn this lesson now than perhaps never learning it at all.

Comments

Ladisa 28

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:01

That sucks.

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:04

Your desperation to make first comment sucks.

jw90 18

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:02

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:14

Not necessarily. I mean the only way is up from here isn't it. ;-)

The_FN_Gunny 13

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Thursday 19 September 2013 3:57

Well they hired him already. Besides that's off the job. I've seen people do worse then go to work the next day giving it 110% effort

whos_ur_daddy1 19

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Thursday 19 September 2013 4:27

They could be bros now haha

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Thursday 19 September 2013 4:32

33 and 36: OP is female.

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Thursday 19 September 2013 4:35

You can be bros with a female, bro.

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Thursday 19 September 2013 4:55

Invite him to another party, handle your alcohol, then work will be a lot less stressful! :D

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Thursday 19 September 2013 5:24

Hench the term she-bro

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:03

Well that will be an awkward boss/employee relationship

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:06

On the contrary, he'll know who to look for when it comes to finding the life of the party.

HeyHeyFishFillet 34

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Thursday 19 September 2013 1:38

Nothing like puking all over yourself to get the party started!!!

TheOnlyMizLiv 22

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Thursday 19 September 2013 2:40

Awkward not-employee/not-boss relationship I think.

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Thursday 19 September 2013 6:59

^ Soooo, no relationship then?

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Thursday 19 September 2013 8:49

I hope she kept her clothes on while dancing, or it's even worse.

Voij 16

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:03

Perhaps not the most pleasant of ways to learn to regulate your alcohol consumption, what with it being your workplace and all, but better to learn this lesson now than perhaps never learning it at all.

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Thursday 19 September 2013 13:29

She doesn't have a problem. She specifically specified "only time".

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:04

Ops

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:05

Well OP, you definitely made a memorable first impression. Hopefully he doesn't hesitate to invite you to any of his parties :)

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Thursday 19 September 2013 3:45

he will lol just kidding

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:08

So he knows u are fun. It's good to have someone fun around

lesliehalverson 5

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Monday 6 October 2014 4:44

Not if you're seriously considering hiring this person! And also I'm a bit confused on your definition of fun... A person that's drunk and vomiting doesn't sound fun to me.

Ladisa 28

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:10

Eventually he'll notice that it was just a one time event.

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:11

Small world

perdix 29

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Thursday 19 September 2013 0:11

So, usually you puke on yourself without dancing on a table? I guess that would be less memorable. Just as long as "holding your liquour" is not in the job description, you'll be OK . . . until he invites you ro Happy Hour ;)

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 122

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 30

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 101