Today...I started my day with a head cold and sore throat. I... - FML

By Anonymous

Today...I started my day with a head cold and sore throat. I am ending the day with my period and explosive diarrhea. Oh and to top it all off, I live in the midwest, where the wind chills are going to be -50 tomorrow...FML

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Out of it

Healthy relationship

Thanks, I'm cured!

By Jorgen - United States

Today, at my workplace, $200 checks were given to every employee for how well the corporation was doing. The temps didn't get any. Guess who was the only temp. FML

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By livingamongtheflowers - United States

Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML

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By Jeff - United States

Today, after a stay at the hospital for two broken legs, I finally got home and attempted to relax. My dad went to hand me the remote and dropped it right on my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML

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By OyGeeze28 - United States

Today, at work in a liquor store, a man came in to demand a refund because after he "drank the whole bottle of Jack" he "couldn't get it up" for his wife. He thought that alcohol was supposed to be an aphrodisiac, and blamed me personally for his "whiskey dick". FML

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By Betchsadface - United States

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

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By Anonymoose - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I found out I wasn't cool enough to be invited to a college party that happened last night. The one in charge of inviting people was my girlfriend of two years. FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, after spending time with my daughter and painting her nails she gives me a hug and says, "Mommy I love you, but I love daddy much better!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By tbreezy

Today, I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she would meet up with me so I could give her money to pay off the rest of the TV we had on layaway before we broke up. Turns out she cancelled it and took all the money I put into it. I put $500 down. FML

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By BDayssuck - United States

Today, my fiancé, his mother, my father and I went out to celebrate my birthday and our recent engagement. After dinner, my father and future mother-in-law revealed to us that they had secretly been dating and were talking about also getting married. Anybody want cake? FML

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By BigBallah93 - China

Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

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By boogerbrain - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding pictures I had just ordered and I tried to flick something off one of the pictures, but it wouldn't come off. In a panic I quickly looked through all of my pictures and realized that I had a booger sticking out of my nose. No one told me. FML

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By lft - United States

Today, I called over my math teacher to ask a question. I have a really bad cold. I asked him about a problem and he reached over my desk to point at the diagram and explain it. Then I suddenly had to sneeze and I got tons of snot all over his hand and arm. FML

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By bill219 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

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By justlittleoldme - United States - Sarona

Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, my obsessive stalker of an ex found my girlfriend on Facebook and sent her a message saying just ":)". For some reason I'll never understand, she took this as a sign that I'd just slept with my ex. Now I'm single, and my ex is probably planning her next move. FML

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By Embarresedguy - United States

Today, I woke up and decided to get the morning paper, I went outside with my bath robe on and when I leaned down to get my paper my bath robe came undone. Apparently everyone on my street saw it and decided to bring up public nudity at the next neighborhood meeting. FML

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By Luke - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

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By sleekRelease

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

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By Queasy - Canada

Today, I found out that sitting in the third row at a 3D movie makes me vomit. Today I also found out that the big burly dude in front of me does not appreciate being vomited on. Now I feel nauseous and have a black eye. Not to mention I missed the last part of the movie. FML

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By NotAThief - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a store to buy some noodles, but hey were out so I left empty handed. When I left, the store the alarm went off so I was called back in, and they searched my bag. They didn't find any stolen goods. They did find a dead mouse my cat must have left for me, though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during my dinner break, I was forced to listen to a coworker talk about how he dumped his needy ex for another woman. I'm the ex. We kept our relationship secret from our coworkers. I guess now I know why he dumped me. FML

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By brenami - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML

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By kmtranter - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML

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By Anonymous

Congratulations. Or not.

Today, I was told that I will be a father in 2 months. I had a one night stand about 7 months ago. FML

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By AloneAgainNaturally - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

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By helpme - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting on the train and some crazy man started talking to me. I ignored him, and he tapped on my shoulder. He started blabbing and I just pointed to my ears and mouthed "I'm deaf." He stopped talking. A minute later my phone rang and I answered it without thinking. FML

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By Lori - United States - Littleton

Today, I agreed to go on a date with this really nice guy. Halfway through the date he starts talking about his wife and kids. FML

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By omgomgomg - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a rush and had to get changed in a train restroom. While changing, I leaned against the button that opened the door. Not only do train toilet doors open and close very slowly, leaving you half naked for a few seconds, but everyone in the carriage opposite can see clearly. FML

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By tgpgs

Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML

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By lilou - France

Stuck

Today, at 7 a.m., I ended up outside in a nightdress, barefoot and in the rain. I've just found out that my two-year-old son now knows how to close the patio door, which of course, has no outside door handle. FML

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By beeee - Australia

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. Up until now, I thought my cat was the only four year old I had to deal with. FML

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By SofiMarti - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my mom was named principal of the school I go to. FML

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By weezer - United States

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me in the bathroom. That's how he found out that I wax my nipples. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Crosse

Today, I found one of my mom's old diaries that dated back to my infant days. I couldn't help but read a little. I'm now in great concern over how many times my mom wrote that she wanted to dunk me in the toilet or throw me against a wall. FML

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By adamwilcockson - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out I'm allergic to bug repellent. So instead of having a couple of itchy bug bites, my skin feels like it's on fire and is violently itchy everywhere the repellent has touched. FML

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By Anna - 20/12/2020 05:02

Bad timing

Today, it's the first day of a long-needed vacation after weeks of stress and overtime. I'm having such intense period cramps, I'm bathed in sweat. FML

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Top comments

By Sinshine | 27

#7787826 - Saturday 30 March 2019 23:04

On the positive side, in the bathroom you won't feel the cold wind!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7787830 - Saturday 30 March 2019 23:07

Rx: Stay indoors.

— Dr. Pencil

COMMENTS

By Sinshine | 27

#7787826 - Saturday 30 March 2019 23:04

On the positive side, in the bathroom you won't feel the cold wind!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7787830 - Saturday 30 March 2019 23:07

Rx: Stay indoors.

— Dr. Pencil

By davidfong | 14

#7787851 - Saturday 30 March 2019 23:51

Just stay outside your diarrhea will freeze before it comes out

Reply

bloopaloop | 27

#7787877 - Sunday 31 March 2019 3:16

If it's frozen before it hits the ground, does it still count as diarrhea??

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7788001 - Sunday 31 March 2019 10:12

what part of the midwest??

By abfab5300 | 13

#7788004 - Sunday 31 March 2019 10:20

Those temperatures were eight weeks ago...

By Jesse Wartnick | 15

#7788357 - Monday 1 April 2019 9:49

See if you can get your diarrhea to freeze in mid air

By Taylor Lancaster | 4

#7789213 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 15:23

I hate to say you are being dramatic but there is nowhere in the midwest that was at -50 on the 30th or the 1st..