Today, I showed my dad photos from my first fun night out in...

By sazz - 5/11/2017 03:00 - United Kingdom - Shepperton

Today, I showed my dad photos from my first fun night out in ages. His response? "You look at least 6 months pregnant." FML

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Mixed signals

Sister of the year

Capitalism kills

By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

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By jellyybean - 5/9/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

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By Wraith - 6/11/2013 17:27 - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

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By Unlucky - 4/9/2018 14:30

Today, I received a bill from PayPal stating I owe $350 for an account that's linked to an email that I haven't used since 2015. I can't get into the account because someone hacked it and changed the password and security questions. Customer support is no help because I have no info about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Arlington

Always ask for documentation

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 02:23 - United States

Today, one my friends died. All my crying gave me a headache, so I asked my boyfriend to bring me some aspirin. My headache didn't go away. Instead, I got diarrhea because my boyfriend gave me laxatives instead of aspirin as a "joke" to cheer me up. FML

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By Noname - 18/1/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I tried buying a video game that was rated "M - for mature". The Cashier told me "you have to be 17 to buy this game". I didn't have any ID on me. I'm 25. FML

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By costcocondoms - 23/7/2009 05:23 - Mexico

Today, I was shopping at COSTCO for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me I heard somebody say "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML

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By Tay Tay - 19/11/2010 13:55

Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "no one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML

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By woofwoof - 30/12/2015 04:17 - Turkey - Izmir

Today, I got mugged while walking my dog. He seemed to be OK with it. FML

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By quarantine15 - 28/4/2020 14:00

Oh, so sexy

Today, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband of 6 years if he wanted to "put a baby in me." He shook the recent belly fat I gained and asked, "Is there room for a baby in there?" FML

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By Thanks Babe - 20/4/2013 23:40 - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up feeling awful, having caught the same illness my boyfriend had last night. When he was sick, I skipped my friend's baby shower to take care of him. Now that I'm sick, he goes to a friend's place, says to call if I need him, then turns his phone off. Seriously. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 22:00 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when I lifted myself up a little bit. What I was not prepared for was my boyfriend leaning down to kiss my neck. We collided heads, hard. FML

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By thecaptainmorgan - 12/10/2014 04:04 - United States - Tulsa

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

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By JC12345 - 18/3/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards we went to Applebees for dinner, then after we'd ate I asked "How was it?" he says "It was terrible", to which I said "The food was that bad?" He replies "No, the sex". FML

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By Ew?Really? - 4/8/2014 05:42 - United States - Montrose

Today, my husband was disgusted by me expressing breast milk while we were in the shower together. This is the same man who thinks it's funny to pee on my legs because, "It'll wash off." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2012 21:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own version of a wet-willy. He creeped up on me as I was sleeping and wiggled his wet penis around in my ear. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2012 04:48 - United States

Today, in my psychology class, the creepy guy who sits beside me every day leans over and says, "I have an upset stomach, I may have to use the bathroom." FML

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By Rabzouz - 20/12/2008 08:16 - France

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2015 02:47 - United States

Today, I had finally summoned the courage to break up with my boyfriend, something I've needed to do for a long time. Right before my speech, he presented me with tickets to my favorite band a month from now. FML

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By Fuckup - 5/8/2013 18:09 - United States - Naples

Today, I returned to work after a much-needed vacation. I got a lot of weird stares from my co-workers, and my boss eventually came over and told me to go home. Why? My work week starts tomorrow, not today. FML

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By Lies - 19/8/2009 02:44 - United States

Today, I saw the girl I had started dating changed her Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". Naturally, I changed mine too. The next time I logged on, she had commented, "Really?! Who?!" She was serious. FML

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By unicorn_skies - 18/1/2014 08:33 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I bought a new, expensive dress for a date. I left the tag on and hidden in hopes of returning it later. Someone saw it and ripped it off for me to "save me from embarrassment." FML

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By ddhaley1 - 18/7/2015 19:08 - United States - Edmond

Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

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By anonymous - 18/6/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane and had to go to the bathroom. The guy next to me was asleep and blocking the aisle. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he responded by punching me in the stomach. FML

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By MissKitty - 10/3/2017 04:00

Special Snowflake Kitty

Today, I found out why I couldn't properly breathe nor sleep for the past 2 days. I'm allergic to the new kitty litter. This is the special litter I had to buy because my snowflake cat is allergic to all the other brands. FML

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By Fitz - 29/7/2013 06:30 - United States

Today, I had a customer scream at me for ruining their child's birthday party. They had bought a Piñata from me and didn't know they had to fill it themselves. The kids had hit it open and it was empty. FML

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By dynah114 - 27/1/2013 19:08 - Israel - Petah Tiqva

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

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By Red - 4/12/2014 16:31

Today, my girlfriend found out that I secretly watch porn while she sleeps, but she seemed to be fine with it. That's until the next day, when she got on my Facebook account and publicly shared every porn page I visit. My father even commented, "Poor choice in porn, son". FML

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By 2young4birds&bees - 24/10/2016 15:53

Today, while changing my tampon in a public restroom, a toddler crawled under the door of my stall and asked what I was doing. I had to wait until I'd finished to open the door and let her out. FML

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By DogThermoeter - 10/3/2019 18:00

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

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By driver - 6/1/2010 14:55 - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently according to the state of Illinois I'm dead. FML

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By cramps - 17/9/2009 13:59 - Australia

Today, I got my period. 10 minutes into a 3 hour exam. Apparently they are serious when they say you may not leave the room under any circumstances. FML

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By notagoodtime - 6/2/2016 20:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML

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By lonely - 8/9/2018 22:00

Today, my boyfriend blocked me from every form of contact. He told my friend that we broke up, but never told me. I still have his clothes in my house. FML

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By dez - 16/10/2016 05:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

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By Bummed - 12/6/2016 19:44

Today, I found out that after interviewing for two jobs at great companies, I was neck and neck with one other person for each position. They both offered the job to the other person. FML

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By englishfail - 15/1/2010 17:39 - United States

Today, I was teaching a class and my student pointed out that I used the wrong "your" while writing on the board. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 00:01

Mr Commitment

Today, I asked the person I love to commit to me. Instead, he packed his shit and moved out. FML

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By I Don't Exorcise - 10/5/2012 03:34 - United States - Shawnee

Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML

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Top comments

By Akitakat | 31

#7560525 - Sunday 5 November 2017 10:16

That’s when you should of replied, “No... I’m only 4 months but the twins are growing fast”, as you watched the color drain from his face.

By KittyMack | 13

#7560484 - Sunday 5 November 2017 5:49

Just couldn't let her have a little crumb of happiness, nooo. What kind of weird parent wants to see their kid happy?
Ugh what a dick.

COMMENTS

By 123765 | 18

#7560471 - Sunday 5 November 2017 4:30

well are you?

By KittyMack | 13

#7560484 - Sunday 5 November 2017 5:49

Just couldn't let her have a little crumb of happiness, nooo. What kind of weird parent wants to see their kid happy?
Ugh what a dick.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7560490 - Sunday 5 November 2017 6:29

At least he thinks you’re attractive enough to get laid. That’s a compliment!

delude | 26

#7560492 - Sunday 5 November 2017 6:44

...

Notamusedanymore | 17

#7560697 - Sunday 5 November 2017 22:07

What?

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7560495 - Sunday 5 November 2017 7:14

Well. In his defense, the camera adds 20 Lbs.
So I heard.

NataXviaggiare | 11

#7560705 - Sunday 5 November 2017 22:41

what up "friends" lover?

By Akitakat | 31

#7560525 - Sunday 5 November 2017 10:16

That’s when you should of replied, “No... I’m only 4 months but the twins are growing fast”, as you watched the color drain from his face.

By The_Most_Epic_Zenric | 8

#7568348 - Sunday 26 November 2017 1:59

Lose weight

griddy24 | 17

#7809877 - Friday 7 June 2019 0:33

Oh shut up.