Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful... - FML

By karaokestar - 23/4/2009 04:42 - Canada

Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful World - and I thought I sounded my best yet. After my performance, I went outside to get some air. Then, I got assaulted in the parking lot and ended up going to the hospital. What a wonderful world indeed. FML

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White line fever

Honesty is the best policy

Headache

By danii - 5/10/2011 03:28 - Reserved

Today, I drove to the liquor store completely naked except for my dressing gown, with a carload of idiot stoners who ran in and stole vodka, tequila and whiskey. We drank in a bush. Last week I was a good citizen, and now I'm white trash. I'm not quite sure what happened in between. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2013 02:47 - United States - Louisville

Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML

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By Sleepless in Juneau - 26/11/2018 19:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my housemate's cat began meowing at 2:15am. After about 10 minutes of continuous caterwauling, it finally shut up. Almost immediately afterwards, a car with thumping bass music pulled up to idle in the street right outside my window. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML

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By ohemgee - 11/3/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

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By naomids - 30/12/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML

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By Paige - 26/12/2011 06:35 - United States

Today, my parents gave me an iPhone. They then checked my grades online, and promptly took it away. FML

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By meach - 6/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

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By bonesniffer - 16/9/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I crawled into bed naked, wanting to get some and hoping to surprise my boyfriend who's always complaining that I don't sleep naked. When he finally got into bed he rolled over, touched my bare ass and said 'oh' then rolled back over and went to sleep. FML

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By esk - 18/5/2009 08:48 - China

Today, I got my medical checkup back. Apparently, I'm diagnosed with a liver condition generally found in alcoholics. I've never drank in my life. FML

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By howrude - 11/9/2009 11:57 - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I decided to snack on some MandM's. I saw my dog sniffing something and realized one of my MandM's had fallen on the floor. To prevent my dog from eating the chocolate, I hurriedly snatched the MandM off the ground and ate it. When I bit down, I realized it wasn't an MandM. It was a dead beetle. FML

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By bustedfornuthin - 8/9/2010 04:42 - United States

Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gun point, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Chicago

So, it is not immoral ?

Today, my parents were arguing about their relationship. My mom, who is very Christian, yells at my dad for watching porn. My dad responds, "Of course I watch porn, I've told you! I have shown you!" He is also the one who stressed to me at a very young age that porn is immoral. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I was looking at the skeleton of a human male that we have in out biology classroom. I picked up the hand to examine the bones in the finger, and had the sudden realization that this is the only time that I have held hands with a boy. I'm a junior in college. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 19:09 - United States - Omaha

Today, my boyfriend convinced me do an Insanity workout with him. I passed out during the warmup. FML

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By Cian_1 - 28/12/2016 18:30 - United Kingdom - Herne Bay

Today, it has got to the point that I don't even have to ask for my booze in the local off-licence, they just hand me my bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2012 01:37 - United States - Solon Springs

Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML

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By lukey_G - 20/3/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was driving me to her house against my will when I said, "Sometimes it's annoying that you always decide where we go because you drive." She replied, "Yeah, I wish I could be more of the girl in this relationship." FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

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By eMmA01 - 14/4/2009 02:50 - United States

Today, I was walking into class when the guy i like walked in and said "Gross it smells like grandma in here. What, did someone bathe in their perfume today?" I was the only girl in the room and I just bought new perfume. I thought I smelled good, apparently I didn't. FML

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By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2016 20:35 - Philippines - Las Pi?as City

Today, at preschool, I got to meet the mother of my daughter's best friend. She complimented mine's grades, and noted her quirkiness. I complimented her's for being congenial and being well-rounded. Later, my daughter said they are no longer besties because her mom said I called her daughter fat. FML

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By holycrap - 3/3/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, the bartender pulled me aside and told me that she saw my date slip something into my drink. Who was my date? My husband of four years. FML

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By toazt - 10/10/2010 08:45 - United States

Today, after my marching band's performance, the girls had to change out of our uniforms in a very dark school bathroom. Someone turned on the lights and I realized that more than a dozen roaches had crawled into my skinny jeans. FML

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By OL2R - 17/4/2012 08:29 - United States - Somerville

Today, my best friend texted me saying she is determined to find out what skank her brother is sneaking around with. I've been secretly dating her brother for months; apparently I'm the skank. FML

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By Savanerzz - 18/3/2018 01:30

Perfect timing!

Today my fiancé broke up with me. Two hours later, the store I bought my dress from called to say it’s ready to be picked up. FML

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By crzyry - 23/2/2012 03:49 - Canada

Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML

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By Sam - 3/12/2011 10:03 - United States

Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 17:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

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By nenette - 12/11/2014 22:50 - France

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2015 20:36 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

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By fbcaught - 9/2/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

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By nirvana_mama157 - 28/11/2011 12:51 - United States

Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2017 03:29 - United Kingdom

Love Hurts

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

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By Username - 4/12/2010 21:04 - United States

Today, I gave my friend a ride to town so she wouldn't have to pay the $10 to park. While waiting to pick her up, I grabbed a bite to eat. Upon returning to my car, I found a $55 parking ticket on my windshield. FML

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By Clare - 21/2/2011 23:15 - Canada

Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

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By bitches. - 15/6/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was walking by a bunch of pretty girls. I'm not the most attractive boy, so I walked by nervously. I heard one yell "Hey cutie!" I turned to look, and they started laughing. She said "Oh my god, sorry! I assumed you were cute from your butt!" Apparently, my ass is nicer than my face. FML

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By wasted_gas - 5/10/2013 16:00 - United States - Cumming

Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I went to my first day of work in over 2 years. As I approached the boss, he asked me what my name was. Turned out they hired the wrong person. FML

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Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#135986 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:13

Wow. The Karaoke critics by you are a lot harsher than any karaoke bar I have ever been to.
Usually they just heckle you if your bad.

By The_Real_Peter | 1

#3533617 - Thursday 3 November 2011 1:21

Umm miss? I do not understand one word you just typed.

Comments

By Jimboom | 11

#135986 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:13

Wow. The Karaoke critics by you are a lot harsher than any karaoke bar I have ever been to.
Usually they just heckle you if your bad.

By Nadramia | 0

#135989 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:15

yest you werent hurt enough to right this?? meh well tis life...

Reply

The_Real_Peter | 1

#3533617 - Thursday 3 November 2011 1:21

Umm miss? I do not understand one word you just typed.

By ScottyD620 | 0

#136006 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:29

I've wished I could do that to people singing karaoke before. Esp songs like that.

By _7_Anonymous_7_ | 0

#136007 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:29

I doubt you were assaulted because of your singing. But that is quite ironic.
You consider singing Karaoke a performance?

By Duckie101 | 0

#136010 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:31

at least u have a fan base :D

By Eresbel | 0

#136034 - Thursday 23 April 2009 12:55

laissez-faire (with an "e") is most appropriately used for economics.

Reply

drummerforever | 0

#1505033 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 7:38

true. i just learned that and im in 9th grade lol

By asxp10 | 0

#136082 - Thursday 23 April 2009 13:41

Agree with #4. It's probably not your singing, just tough luck. Sorry :/ FYL.

By BerryRockstar | 9

#136083 - Thursday 23 April 2009 13:41

Karaoke rules.

By Dhamy | 0

#136093 - Thursday 23 April 2009 13:45

I agree with number 4.

But,yeah, that must have sucked.

By swanlee | 0

#136098 - Thursday 23 April 2009 13:48

That's what you get for taking this karaoke crap so seriously, your not a star, if you were you'd be rich.
Karaoke is for un talented drama queens that want attention.