Miscellaneous: Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she...

By Anonymous - 07/02/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 064

You deserved it 42 105

Miscellaneous

Sing me to sleep

Too clever

I can't eat these

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 055

You deserved it 9 170

By clayton - 28/07/2012 00:30 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 470

You deserved it 43 995

By PhailedMidterm - 12/03/2013 19:03 - United States - Mattapan

Today, I was at the library doing research for my midterm. All of the computers were in use, so I decided to use my laptop instead. Ten minutes later, I was confronted and kicked out. My offense? Unauthorized use of the library's so-called "Free Public WiFi". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 994

You deserved it 3 154

By Bobby ray slice - 22/08/2011 00:03 - United States

Today, I went into a public bathroom and walked in on a guy checking his butt out in the mirror to see if he'd wiped properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 584

You deserved it 2 793

By Anonymous - 09/10/2012 12:12 - United States

Today, the guy I've been madly in love with for ages finally asked me out. I excitedly said yes. I waited a half an hour for him to show up, with another girl and say, "Where's your date?" I was asked to go on a double date, but apparently he forgot to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 349

You deserved it 2 115

By Lil Bro - 17/07/2016 02:05 - United Kingdom - Smethwick

Today, after months of trying to make my girlfriend orgasm, she finally did. It was with my brother. I'll definitely knock next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 611

You deserved it 1 574

By Anonymous - 17/08/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, I was on my third date with this really cute girl. After a very romantic evening, I decided to go for the first kiss, but because of my nervous reflex in which I get bloody noses, I ended up bleeding all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 536

You deserved it 4 880

By mistletoe - 09/12/2013 02:21 - United States - Miami

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 835

You deserved it 5 175

By KN - 25/06/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 819

You deserved it 12 506

Strong incel vibes

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 02:01

Today, I showed up to my Bumble date with a guy. He looked at me up and down and said, "You look different from the pictures. I pictured you more slimmer." To rub salt in the wound, he proclaimed, "I’d rather staple my nutsack than continue this date. Good luck to you," and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 215

By Anonymous - 19/10/2015 09:26 - United States - Lexington

Today, my husband won't seek medical treatment for a condition he's been living with for years because he saw an episode of House, in which the treatment made the condition worse in a very rare instance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 975

You deserved it 1 807

By { o } - 22/03/2015 17:41 - United States - Miami

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 492

You deserved it 3 697

By bummed - 04/11/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, I found out a 6-month pregnant woman is claiming my boyfriend to be the father. Even though this would have been previous to our relationship, he already has two kids from getting girls pregnant in high school. I guess he didn't learn his lesson the first two times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 077

You deserved it 16 573

By Beeper - 11/10/2014 19:07 - United States - Champaign

Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 619

You deserved it 5 208

By perpetuallyscrewed - 06/10/2009 04:06

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 804

You deserved it 2 169

By upsetandunjustified - 04/11/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 784

You deserved it 6 343

By scaredinnyc - 14/11/2012 01:03 - United States - Trenton

Today, I was looking at tattoos and fell in love with a really cool looking one, so I decided to get it. I later showed it to a friend who is a cop. He informed me that it is a gang tattoo. I think I just put a target on my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 960

You deserved it 31 295

By Ihatemylife - 03/03/2013 12:17 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend asked me, "Are you sure you're a guy?" I still have no idea what that was for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 760

You deserved it 6 343

By scared - 04/08/2014 00:47 - Canada

Today, my elderly mother explained that, "I don't need my glasses to drive, I just need them to see." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 026

You deserved it 3 055

By 2pale - 01/11/2015 18:22 - United States - Humble

Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 373

You deserved it 2 338

Freaky...

By shinra - 18/07/2018 20:30

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 383

You deserved it 277

By anonymous - 08/09/2015 12:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 390

You deserved it 2 023

By Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 985

You deserved it 58 878

By Anonymous - 26/05/2019 17:15

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 663

You deserved it 112

Sad sad sad

By Anonymous - 09/09/2015 00:03

Today, I caught two kids passing notes to each other in my class, so I told them to see me afterwards. When one of the kids eventually came up, I noticed he was crying. He looked up at me and sobbed out, "I was trying to make my first friend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 528

You deserved it 7 706

By crazy cat lady - 03/11/2016 19:31 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 457

You deserved it 857

By Anonymous - 22/08/2015 00:29 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 396

You deserved it 1 819

By 99jellybean - 26/01/2016 03:02 - United States - Rochester

Today, a girl in my class threw a temper tantrum. Why? Because she wanted my seat. We're in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 169

You deserved it 1 418

By neighbour hell - 25/04/2013 17:56 - Norway - Kristiansand

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 988

You deserved it 2 684

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 20:08 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I worked up the confidence to go to the mall alone for the first time since being confined to a wheelchair. It didn't even take 20 minutes before some teenager grabbed my wheelchair and tried to race me around, all while his friends watched and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 771

You deserved it 1 704

By Gen - 16/12/2008 07:05 - France

Today, I found the password to my boyfriend's MSN account. I was listed in the "booty call" category. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 723

You deserved it 7 466

By FML - 15/05/2012 19:02 - Finland

Today, I was told the Mandarin greeting that my new Chinese friends at school taught me was not really a greeting at all. I've been proclaiming "I'm a dumb bitch" every time I've greeted them, almost every day for the past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 910

You deserved it 8 562

By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 15:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I actually thought of faking my own death to get away from my girlfriend and her insane, overbearing family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 746

You deserved it 7 825

By Noname - 25/02/2009 22:06 - Canada

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 680

You deserved it 3 587

Self-own

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 08:01

Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 102

Time for the ER

By littl3storm - 24/04/2020 23:00

Today, my brace broke and due to Covid-19, I can't get it fixed for another month and a half. Four brackets have come off, the wire is sinking into my gum, giving me tooth and jaw pain. I can't eat and I'm spending excessive amounts of money on pain relief. The cause of all this? A cheese pasty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 744

You deserved it 232

Hoarders Gonna Hoard

By Anonymous - 11/08/2018 18:30

Today, I was helping my uncle clean his house. He's a bit of a hoarder, so I suggested donating some of his pots. We got into a fight and I left. He then called my mom to claim that I stole his pots. After being yelled at he realized that they were in his dishwasher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 734

You deserved it 154

By Hellosinglelife - 28/03/2013 22:35 - Trinidad and Tobago - Diego Martin

Today, my now ex-girlfriend posted on Facebook that I called her a "fucking bitch". Our mutual friends were all outraged, and demanded that I treat her with respect. What she failed to mention was that I said it after finding out that she's been sleeping with my "best friend" for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 024

You deserved it 3 641

By Uh_Oh_Bro - 24/07/2016 17:58 - United States - Annandale

Today, my family, grandma included, took some time to discuss whether or not olive oil is a suitable substitute for lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 529

You deserved it 1 960

By BritneyFink - 04/02/2009 21:05 - Canada

Today, I bought a jacket with real fur on it. Turns out, i'm allergic and now my ears look like they have herpes on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 293

You deserved it 47 643

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Top comments

The_Creeper_fml 8

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:29

Well then. I think you need to be more optimistic OP! You aren't single and fat! You're liberated and well endowed! Yeah. Sure. Can I get a cookie?

123josie123 11

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:30

Aww take an example of your sim, I'm sure you're being too harsh on yourself! *cyber hugs*

The_Creeper_fml 8

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:29

Well then. I think you need to be more optimistic OP! You aren't single and fat! You're liberated and well endowed! Yeah. Sure. Can I get a cookie?

The_Creeper_fml 8

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:35

Oh oh I had a think! Girl scout cookie season is coming. Step 1. Sell your house Step 1.5. Buy cookies. Step 2. Feast. Step 3. Success..

ThisIsMyReign 4

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:37

Look on the bright side OP. You're in shape, just more like a sphere. :D

lrgenesis 19

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 9:14

1- OP ate them all lol

helloheaven 2

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 14:22

Yep, if you tell yourself you aint good enough then that will come true, same for the opposite.

SoccerGod234 0

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 19:05

Step 1: Go on a diet Step 2: Work out Step 3: Apply for a job Step 4: Wait till you get a reply If the job you applied for declined you, then repeat step's 2, 3, 4.

UnderWaterComix 0

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 21:30

Op should get off her fat ass and find a job, hit the gym, and find someone to love her. People these days all ways complaining about something yet they are too lazy to fix it.

Krulin 8

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Wednesday 8 February 2012 2:56

@106: That's exactly what I was thinking. You don't even have to do a complete overnight change, just slowly start cutting out unhealthy food, start getting more active, and spam resumes whenever you have free time instead of sitting on your ass for days on end maxing out your stats on a video game.

jaycob11 0

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Wednesday 8 February 2012 21:17

Ohh man amen to that!!!!

Coffeebang 17

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:29

Same

breeY0 7

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:38

this is awful

Morgannnnuhhh 1

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 9:07

Agreed.

lrgenesis 19

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 9:16

Someone tried a little hard to be first

spazticechidna 2

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:30

I read that too fast and read it as "fat and jiggly". WTF.

cosmosis 12

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:46

WTF indeed......

123josie123 11

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:30

Aww take an example of your sim, I'm sure you're being too harsh on yourself! *cyber hugs*

Roevera 14

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:33

Her sim can be her role model.

OhzTP 7

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 11:05

Exactly, at least she now has some goals to strive for! :)

Jakesterk96 8

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 22:14

Yeah, but whatever you do, do NOT get skyrim.

cntryiscntrywide 0

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:31

My sim has twins/triplets with most the ladies in town.

123josie123 11

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:37

Same, I do that to increase the population of my town. It then backfires in the next generation or so because I can't marry them off since they're all half siblings and cousins :/ ..... Okay I'm done.

TheDrifter 23

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 14:44

What, your Sims town won't use Arkansas marriage rules?

cntryiscntrywide 0

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 20:15

Hey Not cool I'm from arkansas haha, use Mississippi or something ;p

EmilyStrauch 8

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Wednesday 8 February 2012 6:51

Is that sims 3? I don't think you can have twins on sims 2 which I have /:

btnhdude 0

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:31

I use to play Sims.

TorturedXeno 27

Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:37

Then you took an arrow to the knee?

btnhdude 0

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:52

As a matter of fact i did.

taco_bender 12

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 9:26

What does that even mean?

cjwalsh86 0

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 10:09

It is a game called skyrim reference. The guards say they took and arrow to the knee often.

Dracoboxer357 35

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 19:02

46- Thank you! I figured if I waited long enough, someone would explain that over used arrow-to-the-knee reference! :p

foreveraloneXC 10

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 23:35

Two words: urban dictionary

angrymexican 8

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Wednesday 8 February 2012 0:18

I don't know why I'm mentioning this, but the guards say arrow in the knee not to the knee.

RinaVampire31 18

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:32

Either you're awkward, insecure, or just lazy. The easiest solution is pretty obvious..

fuckhaley 7

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:33

Do something with your life.

alexup24 13

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 8:33

play Wii or kinect. get active.

yahoowizard 16

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 9:15

Or play a real sport? Usually that works better

DrJesse 10

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 10:35

OP can go for a run or something. I mean, it's not like she has a job to go to.

titan87 0

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Tuesday 7 February 2012 17:13

Or just end it all

chubby_choco 17

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Wednesday 8 February 2012 8:12

Exactly! They make video games to get people off their ass, and then people get all pissed off when they stay fat and out of shape because they cheat the score to make themselves feel better.