Health: Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging...

By jdch_99 - 03/11/2012 05:34 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging UTI. Every time I cough, I piss myself. I'm now having to lie on a bath towel and garbage bags until the meds kick in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 693

You deserved it 1 732

Health

You tried

Triage

Get out while you still can

By anonymous - 19/10/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I drove 100 miles from my parents house to mine. I had only a few miles left when I realized I really had to pee. I didn't want to pull over somewhere when I was so close to home, so I sped up. A cop pulled me over a block from my house. I started to sob, and ended up peeing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 166

You deserved it 15 403

By chucklesman96 - 11/12/2016 20:34 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 141

You deserved it 1 135

Are you there?

By Anonymous - 01/06/2021 12:59 - United States - Steele

Today, I had an awful dream where my uncle died from a massive heart attack. When I woke up, my brain interpreted the dream as being a real thing that really happened. It wasn't until my uncle called and asked me why everyone thought he was dead that I finally came to my senses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 710

You deserved it 327

By smidge - 02/06/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I've been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they'd made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 488

You deserved it 2 620

By Elena - 07/07/2011 23:56 - United States

Today, after having worked two jobs for months to save up for a big vacation, I came home to find my hard-earned money replaced by my boyfriend's brand new motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 396

You deserved it 6 477

Thanks, I hate it!

By ugly - 14/11/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was in McDonald's with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, "Whoa, you're really pretty." No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, "Wow. He must have been drunk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 640

You deserved it 3 510

By stinkystinky - 12/08/2016 17:32

Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 406

You deserved it 878

By Nasty - 25/04/2016 16:59 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 858

You deserved it 1 339

By shouldveknown - 27/01/2011 20:15 - Canada

Today, I found out that the money my boyfriend has "secretly" been putting away for the last two months is not for an engagement ring like I'd thought, but for a trip to Vegas I'm not invited to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 265

You deserved it 7 616

By thegrandchawhee - 29/08/2015 17:13 - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 982

You deserved it 1 789

By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 23:46 - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 984

You deserved it 3 738

By Ribbed for Her Disaster - 04/04/2013 16:04 - United Kingdom - Orpington

Today, I was trying out my first vibrator. Soon enough, my 12-year-old sister opened my door, walked in, and saw me naked from the waist down. She laughed, called me a virgin, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 318

You deserved it 19 395

By Anonymous - 12/02/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again. But I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out". My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 250

You deserved it 4 734

By ZPyRoGoDz - 30/10/2009 06:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked why, she replied with "You don't go out anymore. All you do is lay in bed." I've had the flu for the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 338

You deserved it 2 551

By Chelsea - 18/05/2013 08:57 - Australia - Perth

Today, my bag got stolen with all of my belongings at the beach. After being forced to ask strangers for money, I then travelled home on the train for an hour, wearing only a bikini. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 555

You deserved it 5 448

By Anonymous - 09/10/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 383

You deserved it 2 792

By Nublet - 07/09/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 900

You deserved it 5 441

By Classicmen - 19/06/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, is the first weekend I have off this summer. Instead of letting me see my friends, my dad printed out a practice SAT exam. I've already taken the SAT. He just "doesn't want me to get rusty". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 861

You deserved it 3 587

By Idigrespectfulattire - 18/03/2015 00:18 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my brother wore a T-shirt to my birthday party that said "I dig skinny chicks". I'm a recovering anorexic and told him that I didn't really like his shirt. His response? "Don't let the liberal media brainwash you into thinking it's OK to be fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 328

You deserved it 4 983

By Anonymous - 17/06/2017 22:00 - United States - Holland

Today, after an argument, my boyfriend called me a fart knocker and gave me a wedgie. Apparently, I'm dating an 10-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 525

You deserved it 1 022

Full house

By ugh. - 21/04/2019 07:00 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, after waiting two months to attend a very important course, I finally got to go. This is the same day I caught a horrible cold, got Auntie Flow’s monthly visit, my IBS flared up, and my acid reflux as well. So here I go, crampy, constipated, congested, and gassy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 125

You deserved it 240

Mood: broken

By talkingtoaretard - 25/01/2012 05:00 - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with someone on the phone, when at one point I said, "Oh yeah, you like that?" She responded, "I can't actually feel anything you know, we're just on the phone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 960

You deserved it 35 866

By Pimp Daddy - 30/04/2017 20:00

Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 484

You deserved it 521

By kingkarnie - 12/12/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 197

You deserved it 2 948

You're back!

By Anonymous - 05/04/2011 00:17 - Ireland

Today, I heard that one of our customers had passed away. Saddened, I told everyone who came into our shop about his death. Understandably, some customers got very upset and one even fainted. Suddenly, the "dead" man walked into the shop. Turns out I got the name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 162

You deserved it 42 116

By Anonymous - 10/04/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 228

You deserved it 4 509

My precious

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 14:02

Today, I had some flagstones put down to fix a muddy place where my horses stand, in a part of the woods that is only accessible on foot. The flagstones weigh about 30 kilos apiece and you can easily get them for free on the internet, yet someone went to the trouble to steal them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 57

By Anon_a_mouse - 30/03/2011 19:59 - Reserved

Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 251

You deserved it 3 673

By girlie5445 - 13/02/2010 08:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy. After picking me up, he started to play on repeat, and sing to me, 'Happy Together' by The Turtles. For the entire 20 minute ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 789

You deserved it 3 722

By lmaofuck - 26/05/2016 01:06 - United States - Westerville

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 512

You deserved it 1 380

Nice neighborhood

By dinkley7 - 25/04/2021 02:00

Today, the cops showed up at my work because people were fighting in the parking lot. This is a nightly occurrence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 53

By sydmarie98 - 06/07/2015 22:51 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my friend let me borrow a pair of jeans. I found out I'm allergic to her laundry detergent when I broke out in a rash everywhere that the jeans touched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 842

You deserved it 2 018

By Dominique Richards - 20/02/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. When I woke up I found out they pulled the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 701

You deserved it 215

By sucks_brah - 25/12/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and decided to unwrap all my Christmas gifts and throw them at the wall. Ho, ho, ho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 220

You deserved it 2 506

By suhleedah18 - 19/12/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, I was working on the computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eye patch in a couple of days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 769

You deserved it 2 638

Cheapskate suds

By itchyitch - 30/10/2019 06:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, it turns out the beautiful, "organic" artisanal soap my boyfriend gave me actually came from the 99 cents store. He just wrapped it in some cellophane and gave it to me. I’m currently itching to death from the godawful rash and hives it gave me. I may need to go to the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 819

You deserved it 218

By xsnqw - 19/01/2016 22:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 538

You deserved it 6 922

Just love!

By Anonymous - 23/01/2020 18:00

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 981

You deserved it 503

What a coinkydink

By Anonymous - 06/12/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his best friend. Who just so happened to be the guy who made my high school years a living hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 55

Nutritious

By Anonymous - 19/07/2020 17:01

Today, I caught my dog “cleaning” the cat’s litter box. He won’t be giving me any kisses anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 156

You deserved it 258

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Top comments

LovesSushi 25

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Saturday 3 November 2012 10:49

Wait, you're not supposed to pee when you cough?

kut17 11

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:01

Wow. You must be in a pissy mood.

Musicholic_asey 1

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Saturday 3 November 2012 10:40

Wow, that sucks. I hope you get better soon, OP!

daisy2101 7

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:05

Yeah, I'd be so pissed if that was me.

onlychildFTW 33

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:51

OP needs a diaper.

TotallyAradical 14

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Saturday 3 November 2012 15:36

A diaper might not be a bad idea.

onlychildFTW 33

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Saturday 3 November 2012 19:57

It's 100x better then towels and garbage bags. This is what they're made for.

LovesSushi 25

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Saturday 3 November 2012 10:49

Wait, you're not supposed to pee when you cough?

nikkinurse 10

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Saturday 3 November 2012 10:52

I'm a nurse and the pressure from an intense cough could make someone pee-

daisy2101 7

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:09

Not unless you have a daily kegel exercise routine

ryrock310 10

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Saturday 3 November 2012 16:13

They have a urinary tract infection. That's why they are peeing.....

Goldenchest 14

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Saturday 3 November 2012 23:00

Is it even possible to piss that much..?

TotallyAradical 14

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Saturday 3 November 2012 23:41

UTIs don't make you pee large amounts. Just more often and very painfully.

JayJay925 6

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Saturday 3 November 2012 10:50

Why not just lay/stand in your bath or shower.

01sparkly 15

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:13

It's probably uncomfortable

KM96 24

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Saturday 3 November 2012 21:18

It's cold ... And it would be hours long

AKGirlinSD 20

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Sunday 4 November 2012 10:17

3, OP is so sick that he/she is on bed rest. He/she wouldn't last too long in a shower. His/her energy is so low, their body feels like it got the crap kicked out of it.

Evanito007 13

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Sunday 17 February 2013 23:11

I dont know what these other replies are thinking, thats a great idea, Jay!

Demonfish 14

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:00

Get well soon OP!

kut17 11

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:01

Wow. You must be in a pissy mood.

FaguIous 22

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Monday 13 April 2015 8:13

Urine a lot of trouble as I can see

hatesfate 6

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:03

Walking pneumonia?

at0micmin3r 23

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:05

Yup! There IS such a thing.

hatesfate 6

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:08

Well paint me blue and call me Sally...

cooterpie 11

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:51

Just be happy you've never had it, to know its real. Although I'd much rather paint you green and call you bob. That work for you?

krewer21 1

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Saturday 3 November 2012 15:05

Awww don't be blue Sally.

perdix 29

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Saturday 3 November 2012 16:41

It's actually Rocking Pneumonia. It's a symptom of the Boogie Woogie Flu.

MindFreakazoid 10

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Saturday 3 November 2012 19:28

10 - Okay, Sally.

CharresBarkrey 15

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Saturday 3 November 2012 21:06

7 - Since no one actually told you what it is, it's a less severe form of pneumonia that let's you still do your normal activity.

LolPieRofl 11

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Saturday 3 November 2012 21:32

Well eff me in the butt and call me Sally :D

DictatorDom 5

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Sunday 4 November 2012 0:48

I had it last year. It's pneumonia but you don't have to be hospitalized. But it still sucks, I was out of school for a month

sweetmama88 6

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:19

I hope you feel better soon

_streets_ 19

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:19

How about Depend's?

GothicAngel17 24

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Saturday 3 November 2012 11:25

I feel your pain OP, my waters broke early due to a UTI. Add chronic hayfever to the mix. I peed myself and amniotic fluid would also go everywhere every time I sneezed.