Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, two days after losing my temper with my smart mouthed 7 year-old son and slapping him across the face, I tried to apologize by buying him a treat and telling him if anyone found out, I would get in trouble. Today, I got a call from social services about the "bruise" on his face. FML
Today, I posted on my Facebook wall that I'd gotten into a huge bar fight and had the shit kicked out of me, all to avoid having to tell the truth, namely that I'd stayed home all night because nobody invited me out to party. FML
Today, I accidentally gave myself a black eye. I would laugh about it if my friends didn't start suspecting that my husband is abusing me, and won't listen when I try to explain what really happened. FML
Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML
Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML
Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML
Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML
Today, my father-in-law asked why my wife had a black eye. I got as far as, “Yeah that was me, I…” before he broke my nose. I get the 'protecting his daughter' thing, but if he’d let me finish, I’d have said “was putting up a shelf she wanted, but I dropped it on her. Total accident.” FML
Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML
Today, at work, a man punched me in the face because he said I took his son's job. He meant both me and his son applied for the same job. He also asked to speak to my boss, because he thinks I "cheated." FML
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Top comments
PenguinBitch 44
We all know the toothpaste cap gave you the black eye, don't lie.
WCARlover 35
Wow, 7 is definitely way old enough to know better than that. I would've gotten my ass handed to me if I'd punched my parent hard enough to leave a black eye at that age
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Comments (58)
Zebediabolical 45
You didn't have to lie about it. You chose to lie about it. YDI.
Holytechno 15
Legend in the making.
xLifeisGoodx 10
Were you and your son roughhousing or did he actually punch you in the face? If it was the latter, then I hope you gave him a thorough spanking. Sorry, but either way I still would have admitted what happened.
ShadowJack01 18
Sounds like that one episode of parks and rec where jerry fell in a river, broke his arm, and said he got mugged.
IridianShadow 20
I sure hope it was an accident and he thought he saw a spider on your face. One can hope.
MJS103 15
Wait what?! It's actually possible to hit your parents? I thought that was a myth. All those who have tried never lived to tell the tale.
Christoph_Blaski 12
Is this site like dead as shit or is it just me?
Krwman 8
You'll be more embarrassed when the truth eventually comes out...it always does--
SirMrButters 28
You know they say, to teach them a lesson you gotta do it back
disbatch 14
why lie?