Kids: Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme...

By CrappyLuck - United States

Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme constipation. I spent $25 for my son to poop on me the second the doctor had me remove his diaper. FML

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Kids

There's no helping some people

Messed up

Chuds

By f-ugly - United States

Today, I was freshening up my makeup in the car before a date. An old lady walked by and said through my open window, "Don't bother. There's no helping you, honey." FML

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By random0605 - United States

Today, the clerk at Walmart asked me if the stretch mark cream I was buying was for my wife. I wish I could've said yes. FML

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By drurbanXVII - United States

Today, while playing The Sims 2, I realized I had a virtual person's whole life planned out, and have nothing planned out for myself. FML

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By oh my son - Canada - Toronto

Today, I walked in on my son and his friend comparing their penis sizes. They're 6. FML

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By fucking hate bitches

Today, I realized that the girl I like only replies to my snapchats if I include my dog in the picture. FML

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By stillAvirgin:( - United States

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

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By Animeislyfe - United States - Stockbridge

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML

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By j. farmer-smith - United States - Jamestown

Today, I'm a superintendent at a school, and it snowed today after school. The snow ended up freezing on the road, so I called school off for tomorrow. I sent calls home, cancelled all school events, and then realized that it's Friday. FML

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By crushed - 23/5/2020 02:00

What about me?

Today, my wife told me about an old boyfriend she had. She told me that they used to fool around, and that she’d give him blow jobs all the time. I never get any action like that from her. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 23:01

Running late

Today, my in-laws missed a special event for my newborn child because they were running an hour late. They always run late and always think its funny. After 15 years, it's just not funny anymore. FML

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By Little Miss Fucket - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I found out my husband has a fake Facebook account that he uses to add guys and live a double life as some kind of "gamer chick". This would be disturbing enough, even if he hadn't used pictures of me to give a face to his alter ego. FML

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By SensitiveTech

Today, I was loving on a dog at work. I noticed her fur was coarse and short and I'd never felt anything like it before. I broke out in hives all over my face. This happens whenever I'm around any cats, guinea pigs, or rabbits and now some dogs apparently. I'm in school to be a vet tech. FML

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By Anonymous

Almost done

Today, as I was trying to have some “self pleasure” time, my cat, WHO NEVER CUDDLES WITH ME, decides to come up and sit on my thigh. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, at my annual checkup, the doc looks down at my foot and says, "Oh, you have an extra toenail. 6, huh?" Then sort of scraping at the side of my foot below the pinky toe, he pulls off a long piece of dead, dried skin and says, "Oh." FML

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21985

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

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By Demotivation - Germany

Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about my progress with the baby socks I promised to knit, it's rather unwise to tell her, "Not to worry, we're set even if it comes out with a few feet too many." She's still crying. FML

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Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a friend and I drove all the way from Texas to a small town in Colorado to spend an entire uninterrupted night together. Not only did he forget to bring condoms but everything was closed by the time we got into town. We ended up playing cards on the bed instead. FML

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By 12693 - Australia - Perth

Today, there was a horrible smell in my kitchen. I tried to find the source, but failed and had to leave for the day. That night, my brother informed me that the smell was coming from a dead mouse stuck in our toaster. FML

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By gtfoocd - United States

Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML

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35676

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By WhyThankYou - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I was having dinner at a long-time friend's place. In a matter of 15 minutes, her mom had managed to establish unequivocally that three kinds of people were ruining the world: vegetarians, atheists and homosexuals. I'm all three rolled into one. She knows that. FML

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By youaresodumb - United States

Routine

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I finished too quickly and apologized. She said she was used to it by now. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Elk River

Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML

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By 635CSi - United States - San Diego

Today, my father-in-law called me an idiot for buying him coffee cake because he can't have caffeine. He refuses to believe that there's as much coffee in coffee cake as there is ham in a hamburger. FML

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By Gem - Australia

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

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By fishy situation

Today, my friend is furious with me because while I was watching her various fish for two weeks, I failed to feed her favorite fish and it died. The reason I didn't take care of it was because she never told me she had it, that it was in her room unlike the rest of the fish, so I never saw it. FML

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By Jenn P - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

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By 00anon00 - 2/7/2020 02:01

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

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By Bill Harrison - United States

Today, I had a completely normal work day. Other than the fact that my boss dressed up like the lead singer from KISS and hit us with a foam sword at random. My boss is 49. FML

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By devdevdev - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I went on a date with this girl. Turns out she's a software developer, too. Our date became a technical discussion. FML

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By superhero1043 - United States

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

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By cnamobi - United States

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

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By ew - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad decided that campground bathrooms are disgusting and that on our upcoming camping trip, we'll have to keep a bucket of cat litter in our tent in case we want to go to the bathroom. FML

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By fml - United States - Denver

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

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By Anonymous

Complete mockery

Today, the people in my class wondered why I seem to avoid them. The same people who call me a creep and hide when they see me in public because of my disability. FML

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By HDcashier - 24/4/2020 17:00

Graded

Today, while cashiering, I rang out a father and his son who looked about eight years-old. The dad jokingly told his son that I was a 10/10 in looks. The son then looked at me for a few seconds and said, "No, probably more like a seven". Thanks a lot. FML

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By herestowaiting - United States - Detroit

Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

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Top comments

By flockz | 19

#3035784 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:55

should of slathered him in pepto.

By iheartkanye | 8

#3035867 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

Shit happens

COMMENTS

By flockz | 19

#3035784 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:55

should of slathered him in pepto.

soccergurl95 | 8

#3035926 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:04

Shit balls, that's a rough one.

EarAcheMyEYE10 | 2

#3035931 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:04

At least he didn't piss on you too!

J0gby | 0

#3036014 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:12

well then he wasnt REALLY constipated now was he...

tybtab | 5

#3036145 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:28

that is a shitty situation.

VVeetard | 8

#3036180 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:33

Scared shitless.

VeroAnne | 11

#3036302 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:50

You were shit outta luck :(

flockz | 19

#3036342 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:54

you guys must think your hot shit huh?

YourEvilHero | 12

#3036476 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:11

all of your responses are quite... "shitty"

flockz | 19

#3036493 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:12

dont say shit like that. i'll fuck your shit up!

ok im done.

juicedboi | 7

#3036530 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:18

"Insert witty pun involving the word "shit" here".

Soloman212 | 28

#3036560 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:25

Juiced, you might want to reconsider that "witty" part.

FarSide | 22

#3039007 - Thursday 4 August 2011 19:24

Was the diaper wrapped THAT tight??

Next time, take junior outside next to a dumpster and save your $25 bucks.

i13Zero | 5

#3039354 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:16

Oh no! $25!

UnicornHunter | 12

#3052868 - Saturday 6 August 2011 20:53

OP, who gives a shit?

By ReptarSwag | 4

#3035792 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:56

what a shity day huh??

itsbritneybixchh | 0

#3035992 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:09

Haha bunny funny.

xXSillyLoveXx | 0

#3036166 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:30

What a shitty comment, huh?

rarrar321 | 3

#3036786 - Thursday 4 August 2011 11:42

organic Butt plus suck!

VeraJK | 12

#3038203 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:17

61-WTF?

Gruv3r14 | 1

#3038584 - Thursday 4 August 2011 18:34

Well, it was only $25.

partyfool2011 | 4

#3039485 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:41

For $25 it better have been the most righteous of deuces!

cheeser9 | 0

#3042896 - Friday 5 August 2011 8:36

*BA-DUM-CHH*

By jessesgirl14 | 16

#3035794 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:56

A tablespoon of karo syrup in 8 oz of liquid should help.... Or miralax! Anything to help him go...

cc_the_beast | 6

#3037397 - Thursday 4 August 2011 14:38

Castor oil is quite literally the shit. All the bub would need is a couple of drops.

partyfool2011 | 4

#3039503 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:44

I think op is trying to say that a filled diaper caused the babies constipation.

itsharkley | 8

#3047645 - Friday 5 August 2011 23:52

3 kiwis is the natural way to go

By idontcare8l | 3

#3035801 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:56

Thats shitty

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3036030 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:13

A shit joke, really clever

idontcare8l | 3

#3036172 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:31

I hear poop i say shitt what can i say

By LizzJizz | 16

#3035811 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:57

Lol well coulda been worse...coulda payed 1000

lulututu | 4

#3035872 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

That's what I'm thinking.

hellokat1 | 0

#3036077 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:18

Yea look on the bright side, $25 isn't that much and at least your baby isn't constipated anymore.

jelmermcgee | 8

#3038904 - Thursday 4 August 2011 19:13

what I was thinking. 25 whole dollars huh?

Ketchup_Castle | 30

#3214265 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:04

Well, that's one way to look at it. But, yeah. $25 really isn't that much money for a doctor's visit.

By jmatx | 0

#3035815 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:57

Thats a shity situation

dreamering | 16

#3036032 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:13

No shit Sherlock.

flockz | 19

#3036201 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:36

6- I bet you think your hot shit for making that comment.

omgcookeys | 15

#3036211 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:37

6- that was a pretty shitty comment you posted.

flockz | 19

#3036280 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:44

ok we need to stop or we're gonna scare him shitless with all these shitty comments.

dreamering | 16

#3036335 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:53

How can you stop the shit?

Oh wait; butt plugs up to certain level.

By halofan48 | 0

#3035821 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:58

Refunds accepted???

By Stylin_Since_97 | 10

#3035836 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:58

I would've hugged the doctor in return for his precious time

By XxgreymoonxX | 8

#3035865 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

xD maybe he wanted an audience?

By iheartkanye | 8

#3035867 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

Shit happens