Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme...

By CrappyLuck - United States

Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme constipation. I spent $25 for my son to poop on me the second the doctor had me remove his diaper. FML

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Kids

There's no helping some people

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

CPTSD

By Jen - Canada

Today, I was watching 'Caillou'. It was a Christmas special for pre-schoolers. I was quite enjoying myself, when it hit me that my kid had been in bed for an hour. I forget what adult TV is. FML

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By SBT1030 - United States

Today, I was helping my sister by getting some old boxes down from her attic. Too bad I didn't realize the piece of plywood I was standing on doesn't extend all over the attic floor. Of course, I did realize it when I went through the ceiling onto the concrete floor of her garage. FML

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By Septy - Spain - M?laga

Today, my sick semi-delusional boyfriend, whom I've been taking care of for days, accused me of trying to poison him so that I could play World of Warcraft. FML

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20700

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By amie - Canada

Today, my mom said that we needed to have a family meeting because of all the issues that have been going on with our family. My mom, sister and I sat down and began to talk about everything. As I started to cry my sister looks at my mom and says "I win!". She bet my mom $20 that I would cry. FML

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By epicvixen - Canada - Richmond

Today, while driving, I saw someone's hubcap blowing away behind me on the highway. I thought it was funny and sort of chuckled to myself. Later I realized it was my hubcap. FML

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By Ash_The_Unicorn - 20/8/2020 14:05

Gentle

Today, after losing my father a little over 6 months ago, and finally feeling comfortable talking to my fiancé (who lives with me and my family) about it, my mother forced her way into the room and started yelling at me for crying. Her excuse, "It’s after your bedtime." I’m 20. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 4 years thinks my chemotherapy sessions are the perfect opportunity to sleep with other girls. FML

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7250

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285

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By Kilamo

Today, I paid $2300 to a mechanic for fixing my car. It's also the day I got into an accident and totalled said car. FML

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1547

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149

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By Boyufd - 14/5/2020 17:00

Deep-seated resentment

Today, I found out why my dad doesn't want my girlfriend coming to our house anymore. Apparently, her dad used to bully him a lot during high school and he's never gotten over it. He's threatened to disown me if she comes back over here. FML

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1979

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By gutsforme - New Zealand

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML

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By nofinal - United States

Today, I woke up at 7 am to take my last final. When I got to the parking lot, I realized my car was missing. After speaking to the police for 3 hours, I called my girlfriend to let her know what happened. She then told me I had parked on the street the night before. So much for the 8 am final. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 23:00

Wow thanks, I'm cured

Today, I learned from my father that all I had to do was eat right and exercise and I would be bipolar free. Gee, why hadn't I thought of that yet? FML

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1589

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By Person

Today, my cousin invited me to an event that would be on Saturday night. The first thing I did after she texted me, was ask my mom if I could go. I'm 20. FML

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By cantstopfeelingit - 16/12/2019 05:00

Gross!

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

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By Eww - United States - Salem

Today, a girl puked on me. No warnings, nothing. She just threw up on me, then walked off like nothing even happened. FML

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43914

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally set off an alarm at the school I work for. No one was there, I didn't have the code or password the company needed, my boss wouldn't answer his phone, 3 policemen interrogated me and asked for ID but realized I left home without my wallet. There was nothing I could do. I cried. FML

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By I fathered a pussy. - United States - Lakeland

Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML

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45880

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By Anonymous - Australia - Boronia

Today, after supporting my girlfriend for over a year in her endeavour to lose weight, exercise more, and eat better, my now-slender girlfriend dumped me. Because now she find someone better than me. FML

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51311

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By anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend rather stupidly assumed that because my vagina is no longer in use after giving birth, we would automatically start having anal sex. After I loudly explained how that wasn't happening, he then had the nerve to ask for a blowjob before we'd even left the hospital. FML

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By KindaLooksLikeCocaine - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2019 05:00

But he's only 5

Today, I was playing with my 5 year-old neighbor. I was changing and he saw me naked. Then he went home and his parents came over. Apparently, he told them that I have beautiful boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Langley

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

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By Rashbeard - 5/1/2020 01:00

Rash beard

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

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By Andrew - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I sent a message on Facebook to a girl I really like. She replied, "..." It took me three hours to realize she'd actually written it. I thought it was just Facebook telling me she was typing. FML

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By fuck wannabe knowitalls - United States

Today, I received a death threat from some nutball accusing me of being part of some big government conspiracy called "Haarp." According to this psycho, I'm responsible for causing the recent tornadoes in Oklahoma. I'm just a small-time weatherman. FML

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By iMarriedmymother - United States

Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

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36147

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

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By poop - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

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36765

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By kermudgen - United States

Today, I was directing a video shoot of a big Christmas show with 750 people attending. After the first half of the show recorded; during intermission, I accidentally deleted the show as people were signing up to buy the DVD. FML

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25081

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By Anonymous - United States - Evanston

Today, at work, I was about to close a big sale, when a coworker rushed over and said there was a call for me in the office. He heavily implied my mom had died, and I rushed out. After I figured out there was no call and that my mom was fine, he'd already stolen my sale and the commission. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lindsay

Today, while working as a swim instructor, I started singing the hokey pokey to get all the kids used to putting their faces in the water. One of the kids was covering his ears. When I asked him why, he said "because you were singing." He's 3. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

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35093

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By too cool - United States - Carpentersville

Today, at my grandparent's funeral, we were waiting for the pastor. He was fashionably late because he couldn't find his sunglasses and had gone to buy new ones. FML

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44258

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By firehurts - United States - Wallkill

Today, I threw a bonfire for my birthday. My boyfriend managed to set my leg on fire by throwing his liquor bottle into the fire. Happy birthday to me. FML

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27165

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By Alex - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me how I am too occupied with work for our relationship. Before we had sex I told my friend to call me in ten minutes so I can pretend its my boss and I would throw the phone away to impress her. He called me in ten minutes, but I only lasted five. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 17:02 - Germany - Aachen

This woman's work

Today, I looked at pictures of myself from 20 years ago when I was a teenager and realized I have only about a quarter of my hair left. I'm a woman. FML

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1087

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By boopingsnoot

Ready for the grill!

Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML

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4914

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By well_f_u_too

Today, I took a night train for the first time. I woke up at 4 am to the beeping of smoke alarms and thick white smoke everywhere. The train had caught on fire. FML

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Top comments

By flockz | 19

#3035784 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:55

should of slathered him in pepto.

By iheartkanye | 8

#3035867 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

Shit happens

COMMENTS

By flockz | 19

#3035784 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:55

should of slathered him in pepto.

soccergurl95 | 8

#3035926 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:04

Shit balls, that's a rough one.

EarAcheMyEYE10 | 2

#3035931 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:04

At least he didn't piss on you too!

J0gby | 0

#3036014 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:12

well then he wasnt REALLY constipated now was he...

tybtab | 5

#3036145 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:28

that is a shitty situation.

VVeetard | 8

#3036180 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:33

Scared shitless.

VeroAnne | 11

#3036302 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:50

You were shit outta luck :(

flockz | 19

#3036342 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:54

you guys must think your hot shit huh?

YourEvilHero | 12

#3036476 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:11

all of your responses are quite... "shitty"

flockz | 19

#3036493 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:12

dont say shit like that. i'll fuck your shit up!

ok im done.

juicedboi | 7

#3036530 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:18

"Insert witty pun involving the word "shit" here".

Soloman212 | 28

#3036560 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:25

Juiced, you might want to reconsider that "witty" part.

FarSide | 22

#3039007 - Thursday 4 August 2011 19:24

Was the diaper wrapped THAT tight??

Next time, take junior outside next to a dumpster and save your $25 bucks.

i13Zero | 5

#3039354 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:16

Oh no! $25!

UnicornHunter | 12

#3052868 - Saturday 6 August 2011 20:53

OP, who gives a shit?

By ReptarSwag | 4

#3035792 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:56

what a shity day huh??

itsbritneybixchh | 0

#3035992 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:09

Haha bunny funny.

xXSillyLoveXx | 0

#3036166 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:30

What a shitty comment, huh?

rarrar321 | 3

#3036786 - Thursday 4 August 2011 11:42

organic Butt plus suck!

VeraJK | 12

#3038203 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:17

61-WTF?

Gruv3r14 | 1

#3038584 - Thursday 4 August 2011 18:34

Well, it was only $25.

partyfool2011 | 4

#3039485 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:41

For $25 it better have been the most righteous of deuces!

cheeser9 | 0

#3042896 - Friday 5 August 2011 8:36

*BA-DUM-CHH*

By jessesgirl14 | 16

#3035794 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:56

A tablespoon of karo syrup in 8 oz of liquid should help.... Or miralax! Anything to help him go...

cc_the_beast | 6

#3037397 - Thursday 4 August 2011 14:38

Castor oil is quite literally the shit. All the bub would need is a couple of drops.

partyfool2011 | 4

#3039503 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:44

I think op is trying to say that a filled diaper caused the babies constipation.

itsharkley | 8

#3047645 - Friday 5 August 2011 23:52

3 kiwis is the natural way to go

By idontcare8l | 3

#3035801 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:56

Thats shitty

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3036030 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:13

A shit joke, really clever

idontcare8l | 3

#3036172 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:31

I hear poop i say shitt what can i say

By LizzJizz | 16

#3035811 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:57

Lol well coulda been worse...coulda payed 1000

lulututu | 4

#3035872 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

That's what I'm thinking.

hellokat1 | 0

#3036077 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:18

Yea look on the bright side, $25 isn't that much and at least your baby isn't constipated anymore.

jelmermcgee | 8

#3038904 - Thursday 4 August 2011 19:13

what I was thinking. 25 whole dollars huh?

Ketchup_Castle | 30

#3214265 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:04

Well, that's one way to look at it. But, yeah. $25 really isn't that much money for a doctor's visit.

By jmatx | 0

#3035815 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:57

Thats a shity situation

dreamering | 16

#3036032 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:13

No shit Sherlock.

flockz | 19

#3036201 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:36

6- I bet you think your hot shit for making that comment.

omgcookeys | 15

#3036211 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:37

6- that was a pretty shitty comment you posted.

flockz | 19

#3036280 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:44

ok we need to stop or we're gonna scare him shitless with all these shitty comments.

dreamering | 16

#3036335 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:53

How can you stop the shit?

Oh wait; butt plugs up to certain level.

By halofan48 | 0

#3035821 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:58

Refunds accepted???

By Stylin_Since_97 | 10

#3035836 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:58

I would've hugged the doctor in return for his precious time

By XxgreymoonxX | 8

#3035865 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

xD maybe he wanted an audience?

By iheartkanye | 8

#3035867 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

Shit happens