Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme...

By CrappyLuck - 4/8/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme constipation. I spent $25 for my son to poop on me the second the doctor had me remove his diaper. FML

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Kids

Emergency haircut

Long story short

Tidy your room

By DrakeScott - 2/11/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

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By sassman - 1/12/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I was in class. I am an older student going back for my PhD. I was kicked out of class for "sassing" my instructor for telling him he was wrong about what took place at an event I was actually present at. My instructor is a 22 year old TA. FML

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By Pottymouth - 25/7/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML

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By - 9/12/2018 22:00

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my roommate to chip in for electricity costs. She called me a bitch, proceeded to tell me she can't afford it despite working full time and I part time, and blocked me on all communications. Uhm, what ? FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 13:28 - Canada

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was unable to retrieve my old contact list from my old phone, so I sent out a mass email asking my friends to "Give me your contact info, unless you don't want me to text/call you!" No one is responding. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2012 16:29 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2010 16:32 - Canada

Today, while serving a rather large party at the restaurant where I work, I mentioned that the soup of the day was "to die for". After the hosts gave me weird looks, it dawned on me that the reason they were wearing all black is because they've just come back from a funeral. FML

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By How - 18/4/2018 01:30

Today, I received a letter from my apartment complex saying I have an unauthorized tenant living with me. I must provide proof they don't live with me in the next 72 hours or I get kicked out. Nobody lives with me, and I don't know how to prove it. FML

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By Joanna - 27/12/2018 18:00

Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML

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By helloimkylieee - 25/1/2016 01:04 - United States - Tracy

Today, I had to convince my parents to shut the door when they have sex. They have done this on multiple occasions. FML

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By Mark - 6/1/2010 02:06 - United States

Today, I started my new job as a janitor at a store. The first thing that happened when I came in was another employee telling me that there was vomit in the restroom, and that I had to clean it up. Not only did I clean up vomit, I had to clean up the poop that made the kid puke in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2014 22:39 - United States - Whittier

Today, my manager made everyone put up Christmas decorations around the store. As well as this, we're going to have Christmas music playing on repeat all the way through to January. It's not even September yet. FML

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By f - 9/11/2013 23:30 - United States - Hubert

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

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By baddormgirl - 19/2/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I walked through my college dorm and a freshman was watching some overly dramatic show on her laptop. I smiled and asked if it was a new episode of 'Gossip Girl.' She was on a video chat with her boyfriend. They were about to break up. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, I found my dead phone that had been missing for two weeks. I turned it on to see that I had only gotten 2 text messages during the two weeks. They were both from my mother. FML

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By CandyMachine - 16/2/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, I went to the vending machine, put in a dollar, and reached down to grab my snack. The slot door wouldn't open, so I pushed it harder. I got my hand in, but the door got stuck again, this time with my hand inside. I tried to push with my other hand. It got stuck too. FML

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By bastardddd - 11/4/2009 01:47 - United States

Today, I was in class finishing up an assignment when the guy next to me, my crush, said "I really love your hair." I started to blush then I turned towards him and said thanks, at the same time as the girl he was actually talking to. FML

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By bloodshedblack - 21/2/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2012 00:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

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By shocked - 12/10/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

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By Michelle - 28/8/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2017 20:42

Today, I came home to yet another kitten. My girlfriend swore to me this would never happen again. When I reminded her of her promise, she told me the kitten will be staying, and she wants me to move out. FML

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By dumpyhair - 16/8/2019 04:04

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he, "just can't keep dating a girl with so many split ends." FML

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By bryans_fresh - 12/6/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I wanted to use my gift card for a liquor store. I went to pay the cashier, who said he needed to see my license. I gave it to him as well as my gift card. After paying, he asked me if I wanted him to cut it up, since the card was now worth $0. I said yes. He cut the wrong card. FML

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By Mewsmash - 1/1/2016 16:23 - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

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By jessye1182 - 11/5/2012 23:16 - United States - Yaphank

Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and go seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML

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By Fitz - 5/5/2009 12:22 - United States

Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2009 21:20 - United States

Today, I ran into my parents bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door my parents were on top of each other laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML

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By Stigmamma - 27/11/2016 08:54

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2013 04:07 - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2010 20:20 - United States

Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML

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By Activesleeper - 24/9/2017 11:59 - Australia - Flinders

Today, I woke up to 7 texts about the data overage charges that were accrued last night while I slept. Apparently my phone used nearly 8 GB of data, with no apps open, while I was sound asleep, leaving me with a $63 fee. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2013 01:18 - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML

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By GrandmasWhore - 4/4/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML

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By katelouise2102 - 29/11/2010 12:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML

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By Rowaelin16 - 23/8/2016 02:50 - United States - Chicago

Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML

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By Iamlonesometonight - 26/3/2017 18:47

Today, my now-ex dumped me at a house party, which I then couldn't leave, as all my things were at his house, where I was meant to be staying. FML

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By StUbbY - 9/7/2009 14:01 - Canada

Today, I was waiting in line for breakfast at the McDonalds drive-thru. After getting so fed up that the line hadn't budged for 10 mins, I decided to pull out of the line just to realize I was waiting behind 2 parked cars that were just to the left of the drive-thru lane. FML

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By prettyinpurple - 10/2/2009 04:54 - United States

Today, I was in a car accident. After screaming at the woman for running into me, I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving away, I was staring her down when I ended up rear ending the person in front of me. FML

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By Baby Bethy - 25/12/2016 04:00 - United States

Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML

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Top comments

By flockz | 19

#3035784 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:55

should of slathered him in pepto.

By iheartkanye | 8

#3035867 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

Shit happens

Comments

By flockz | 19

#3035784 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:55

should of slathered him in pepto.

soccergurl95 | 8

#3035926 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:04

Shit balls, that's a rough one.

EarAcheMyEYE10 | 2

#3035931 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:04

At least he didn't piss on you too!

J0gby | 0

#3036014 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:12

well then he wasnt REALLY constipated now was he...

tybtab | 5

#3036145 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:28

that is a shitty situation.

VVeetard | 8

#3036180 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:33

Scared shitless.

VeroAnne | 11

#3036302 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:50

You were shit outta luck :(

flockz | 19

#3036342 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:54

you guys must think your hot shit huh?

YourEvilHero | 12

#3036476 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:11

all of your responses are quite... "shitty"

flockz | 19

#3036493 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:12

dont say shit like that. i'll fuck your shit up!

ok im done.

juicedboi | 7

#3036530 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:18

"Insert witty pun involving the word "shit" here".

Soloman212 | 28

#3036560 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:25

Juiced, you might want to reconsider that "witty" part.

FarSide | 22

#3039007 - Thursday 4 August 2011 19:24

Was the diaper wrapped THAT tight??

Next time, take junior outside next to a dumpster and save your $25 bucks.

i13Zero | 5

#3039354 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:16

Oh no! $25!

UnicornHunter | 12

#3052868 - Saturday 6 August 2011 20:53

OP, who gives a shit?

By ReptarSwag | 4

#3035792 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:56

what a shity day huh??

itsbritneybixchh | 0

#3035992 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:09

Haha bunny funny.

xXSillyLoveXx | 0

#3036166 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:30

What a shitty comment, huh?

rarrar321 | 3

#3036786 - Thursday 4 August 2011 11:42

organic Butt plus suck!

VeraJK | 12

#3038203 - Thursday 4 August 2011 17:17

61-WTF?

Gruv3r14 | 1

#3038584 - Thursday 4 August 2011 18:34

Well, it was only $25.

partyfool2011 | 4

#3039485 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:41

For $25 it better have been the most righteous of deuces!

cheeser9 | 0

#3042896 - Friday 5 August 2011 8:36

*BA-DUM-CHH*

By jessesgirl14 | 16

#3035794 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:56

A tablespoon of karo syrup in 8 oz of liquid should help.... Or miralax! Anything to help him go...

cc_the_beast | 6

#3037397 - Thursday 4 August 2011 14:38

Castor oil is quite literally the shit. All the bub would need is a couple of drops.

partyfool2011 | 4

#3039503 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:44

I think op is trying to say that a filled diaper caused the babies constipation.

itsharkley | 8

#3047645 - Friday 5 August 2011 23:52

3 kiwis is the natural way to go

By idontcare8l | 3

#3035801 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:56

Thats shitty

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3036030 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:13

A shit joke, really clever

idontcare8l | 3

#3036172 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:31

I hear poop i say shitt what can i say

By LizzJizz | 16

#3035811 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:57

Lol well coulda been worse...coulda payed 1000

lulututu | 4

#3035872 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

That's what I'm thinking.

hellokat1 | 0

#3036077 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:18

Yea look on the bright side, $25 isn't that much and at least your baby isn't constipated anymore.

jelmermcgee | 8

#3038904 - Thursday 4 August 2011 19:13

what I was thinking. 25 whole dollars huh?

Ketchup_Castle | 30

#3214265 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:04

Well, that's one way to look at it. But, yeah. $25 really isn't that much money for a doctor's visit.

By jmatx | 0

#3035815 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:57

Thats a shity situation

dreamering | 16

#3036032 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:13

No shit Sherlock.

flockz | 19

#3036201 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:36

6- I bet you think your hot shit for making that comment.

omgcookeys | 15

#3036211 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:37

6- that was a pretty shitty comment you posted.

flockz | 19

#3036280 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:44

ok we need to stop or we're gonna scare him shitless with all these shitty comments.

dreamering | 16

#3036335 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:53

How can you stop the shit?

Oh wait; butt plugs up to certain level.

By halofan48 | 0

#3035821 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:58

Refunds accepted???

By Stylin_Since_97 | 10

#3035836 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:58

I would've hugged the doctor in return for his precious time

By XxgreymoonxX | 8

#3035865 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

xD maybe he wanted an audience?

By iheartkanye | 8

#3035867 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:00

Shit happens