Jealousy - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 64

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 701

You deserved it 112

Jealousy

By princess_stabitty - 01/08/2020 08:01

Today, my boss's husband came over to our office, and as a by the way comment told our boss my make-up looks good and suits me. The thing is, I've never worn make-up to work, and obviously, he never told his wife, my boss, that she looks good with make-up on. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 527

You deserved it 162

Mama's boy

BO Central

Wise kid

Nerves of steel

By EdibleCape - 28/05/2020 23:00

Today, I went out with my best girl friend to spice up my wardrobe. I recently broken up with my girlfriend, who was constantly flip-flopping from being in love with me to being apathetic towards me. After having a great day, on the way home my ex pulled up next to our car and I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 463

You deserved it 292

16/01/2013 06:42

Today, I was the last person in line for going on the bus. Incidentally, I was right behind a guy way taller and wider than me. When he got on the bus, the bus driver immediately shut the door behind him. I was left outside chasing after the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 792

You deserved it 2 392

Bad Day for a Good Boy

By Dakota - 28/09/2017 04:30

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 848

You deserved it 884

Turn of phrase

By Anonymous - 07/03/2015 16:59

Today, my son was at a birthday party. After eating a plate of cake, he loudly asked the birthday boy's mum if he could have sloppy seconds. I don't know where he heard that phrase, but the other kids' parents shot me very dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 871

You deserved it 3 286

11/05/2009 19:46

Today, I was pulling out of my driveway and was watching out for the flowers I'd just planted. I moved my head to look out of my window to avoid them, not realizing my window was up. I then hit my head, broke my nose and drove all over the flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 591

You deserved it 43 149

01/11/2011 16:18

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 255

You deserved it 5 957

22/06/2009 04:11

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 827

You deserved it 3 328

14/04/2009 17:09

Spicy

Today, my mom scooped the litter box right before I went to work. I brown bagged my lunch this morning. She brown bagged the poop from the litter box. Both were on the counter. Guess which one I brought to work? FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 906

You deserved it 14 629

21/09/2013 17:28

Today, while sorting through my clothes, I found one of my ex's old sweaters. After a lot of thought and difficulty, I threw it out. I felt empowered, until my father later rifled through my trash and claimed the sweater for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 550

You deserved it 3 943

27/06/2013 06:22

Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 913

You deserved it 3 983

08/01/2010 01:07

Spicy

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 803

You deserved it 5 412

Repetitive

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 04:01

Today, my husband stormed out to the pub because he couldn’t stand listening to my mother droning on and on about the same stories she always tells and the programmes she watches everyday. He didn’t think of taking me with him, so I had to stay and listen to the boring old bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 676

22/10/2009 23:05

Today, I took a smoke break at work and I noticed a huge zit on my face. I used the reflection from a window to take care of the problem and then realized that there was a staff meeting taking place on the other side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 697

You deserved it 39 850

Capitalism kills

By malicemassacre - 21/03/2020 15:00

Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 213

09/12/2009 11:13

Today, I showed up on set for a film that I booked a role in weeks ago. At the time of the audition, the script was being rewritten, so today I was so excited and eager to be told what my role would entail. When they handed me the script, my character was described as a fat, ugly, awkward girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 129

You deserved it 5 039

16/06/2011 02:42

Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 802

You deserved it 10 023

24/07/2018 20:36

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 622

You deserved it 347

10/09/2009 14:15

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 508

You deserved it 55 969

The age-old story

By Anonymous - 11/06/2020 02:01

Today, the girl I’ve been crushing over for so long told me that I’m a great guy and a catch, but then went on to tell me all about the other guy she’s been sleeping with. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 332

You deserved it 211

26/07/2011 01:32

Today, a drunk crashed a truck into my porch. Shaken up, I was glad to see that so many of my neighbors had gathered around to comfort me. When the dust settled, I noticed my remaining porch furniture was missing. They weren't consoling me, they were casing the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 597

You deserved it 3 011

22/11/2014 18:37

Today, my son trained his little sister to walk up to strangers and whimper: "My mommy punches me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 771

You deserved it 2 886

19/01/2014 23:38

Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 782

You deserved it 8 098

01/10/2011 23:30

Spicy

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 382

You deserved it 5 683

Psycho

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 20:01

Today, I'd never quite realised how nasty my girlfriend was until she hit a kid on a zebra crossing and was more upset that her bumper was dented than the fact an 8 year-old had a broken leg. She was still blaming the kid and demanding his parents pay the damage as he was being put in the ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 355

You deserved it 167

18/03/2016 12:49

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Druncle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 893

You deserved it 16 134

13/07/2009 00:41

Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 008

You deserved it 21 958

07/03/2016 04:35

Today, I was given a $100 cookbook as a gift by a co-worker. The man who shares a desk with me didn't realise it was mine, as he was at lunch when I got it, so he decided to give it to my boss when he walked in. My boss is refusing to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 109

You deserved it 1 445

02/09/2016 04:33

Today, my friend and I were eating in my car in a McDonald's parking lot, when an angry, drunk man stumbled out of the restaurant and into his car. He then hit the McDonald's wall, turned around and sped straight into my car. I only bought it a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 687

You deserved it 1 256

04/08/2009 23:25

Today, I took my puppy outside to play. At one point, she stopped chewing on her toy and ran over to give me a big kiss all over my face and mouth. A few minutes later I realized that her chew toy was actually the dried up carcass of a toad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 451

You deserved it 7 946

27/01/2010 00:09

Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 888

You deserved it 2 532

30/08/2016 13:55

Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 700

You deserved it 1 629

19/08/2011 15:08

Today, I thought I might need some anger-management classes, after I punched a hole in a kitchen cabinet when my dog wouldn't stop yapping every time the rooster my neighbors just got made a noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 327

You deserved it 28 450

08/10/2013 16:04

Today, I have to go on a 7-hour-bus ride sitting beside my ex-boyfriend's mother. We broke up because she told him to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 094

You deserved it 3 205

27/11/2012 05:06

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 524

You deserved it 13 371

Didn't think it through

By Mister_FML - 12/08/2020 08:01

Today, I was at my new store, fixing it up. I was about to leave, so I took my clothes off to let the dirty ones dry, as I had other clothes in my car. I walked to the back of my store and the back door locked. The car was locked. I was in my boxers with no phone and no way to go home for 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 1 283

04/07/2012 17:01

Spicy

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 632

You deserved it 37 277

23/05/2016 11:57

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 266

You deserved it 2 381

Tis the season

By creimers - 01/07/2020 23:01

Today, my mom forbade me from taking any allergy medicine, because she is afraid that I'll turn into a meth addict. I have horrible allergies and can barely see or stop sneezing without them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 107

25/03/2011 17:31

Spicy

Today, I was at the mall with my friends, when a creepy man sat at the table next to us, and started rubbing his crotch, his gaze never leaving my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 811

You deserved it 4 191

Over unready

By Anonymous - 14/10/2021 08:01

Today, I finally found our big casserole in the attic. Once the food was all nicely layered into it, I realized why it had been in the attic. It doesn't actually fit into our standard-sized oven. By a few millimeters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 195

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Saturday 1 August 2020 11:00

Why would he tell his wife that her employee’s makeup looks good? Am I missing something?

Taylor Caldwell 10

Saturday 1 August 2020 18:13

I’m confused, has he seen you with makeup on during your dates?

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Saturday 1 August 2020 11:00

Why would he tell his wife that her employee’s makeup looks good? Am I missing something?

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 1 August 2020 15:56

Don't be so cocky. You can't be absolutely sure your boss's husband wants to fuck you. Only 99% sure. Hope your boss is into threesomes.

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Saturday 1 August 2020 16:21

Yes you are! Bitches be crazy.

Taylor Caldwell 10

Saturday 1 August 2020 18:13

I’m confused, has he seen you with makeup on during your dates?

EmmaMK 35

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Sunday 2 August 2020 2:15

I’m confused. Please explain someone.

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Sunday 2 August 2020 7:54

My thinking is that boss's husband has seen said coworker outside of work (while she was wearing make up) which sparked the comment to boss. Now the boss thinks that husband may be cheating with said coworker. Now if that suspicion is true or not, only OP can tell us for sure.

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Sunday 2 August 2020 19:29

Given OP followed up with "he obviously never told his wife she looks good with make-up on," I'll wager he was trying to hint to his wife "see, That's how you do it" (after mistaking OP for having make-up on) or otherwise call his wife ugly.