By Iloverainbows10 - 18/12/2013 16:44 - United States - Brunswick

Today, my husband and I were arguing about him not communicating anymore. Instead of talking to me about it, he messages my mom to say, "I'm not mentally strong enough to handle her anymore." FML
I agree, your life sucks 42 608
You deserved it 5 548

Iloverainbows10 tells us more.

He wasnt always like this. Used to listen and talk. Now hands are just being thrown up in the air. Says he doesnt know how to handle fights.

Top comments

It sounds like you two need help; maybe in the form of a therapist.

emirie 21

My fiancé would do almost the same thing to me. Couples therapy helped a lot.


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Some people just have trouble communicating, its not a big deal. Maybe OP and her husband could try writing each other a letter, explaining their feelings.

RedPillSucks 31

It is a big deal. Healthy communication is the key to a good relationship. I agree with you that they need to figure out a way to get there.

He wasnt always like this. Used to listen and talk. Now hands are just being thrown up in the air. Says he doesnt know how to handle fights.

That sucks OP. You think anyone else is involved?

I agree with 18. I usually shut down to avoid conflict. I will give it about five minutes, then text what I need to. Writing what he needs to might help them. No one is shutting down or talking over each other.

My grandparents ended every evening writing each other a letter for forty years talking about their day, their hopes, their issues, etc. Their still together well into theirs 80s.

@Iloverainbows10 He didn't just stop for no reason... Do you listen to him? As someone that has had the problem of just stopping communicating, yes I made it worse by not communicating (as he probably has made the situation worse aswell), but I felt like nothing I said was going to get heard anyway so I stopped and just let the accusing come over me because getting the blame was easier then getting him to listen. The situation didn't get solved by me starting to communicate again, but by me communicating again and he listening. You can whine all you want about his behaviour is immature but you can't get him to get his act together, only he can do that. What you can do however is think about your behaviour and what you did to make him stop communicating. Although whatever conclusion you might come up with, I suggest you stop nagging him about not communication so that he doesn't feel like he's in a mother-son-relationship instead of a husband-wife-relationship. That's just kills it before you have time to solve the problem.

People respond different ways to conflict, some people are rhinos and attack the problem head-on, others are hedgehogs and would rather retreat than fight. You often get opposites in marriage and it's not gender specific. You may find you need to be far more gentle with him, which is incredibly hard when you're frustrated. But work on listening when he does speak and not instantly telling him why he's wrong.

I am a very high energy bold person, and rather confrontational but also shut down and just don't say shit when dealing with certain people. Like #40 I shut down when I feel that I am not being heard anyway so there's no point. People typically don't just change behaviors suddenly for no reason. Not saying it's your fault op however I highly doubt you're completely innocent in all this, it's never that black or white. Maybe try taking time to see what really works for him and really listen to him. Also in my opinion it's rather childish of you to post this on a site instead of actually dealing with the issue at hand. Try something like couples consoling because clearly something's up in your marriage.

#60, I disagree that coming here is childish. She needs advice and is frustrated. This is about as anonymous as you can get to get feedback from others who have similar experiences. What is childish, is him texting HER mom and involving his wife's mom in the problems.

I disagree that texting the mom was childish. It's someone he knows well and clearly feels he can trust, she knows the whole story from both sides and likely knows her daughter fairly well. We know nothing but her biased opinion, and the general response she'll get from strangers hearing one end of the story is likely negative views on her husband and supporting her thoughts. I'd be pretty angry if someone I married felt that instead of talking things out or getting professional help it was better to air our dirty laundry to hundreds of complete strangers.

I obviously tried talking to him.. Thats what the whole thing was about. It was about us communicating. Which he did not want to do. He wants to ignore it til its forgotten. And tellin hundreds of people while being anonymous for advice because my husband doesnt want to talk about it... Isnt wrong.

@Iloverainbows10 It is wrong if you only choose to take in the opinion of people that agree with you. Did you listen to the people giving a critical opinion aswell? So far I've noticed that you've only responded to defend yourself or to agree with people that agree with him being the wrong person. I'm one of those persons that said something critical, not just about you but also about your husband. Did you take it in or did you ignore it. Taking in doesn't nececairly mean agreeing with it all, but it does mean that you aren't dismissing it emediatly.

No I completely understand. And ive read them all. The ones I comment on are the ones that I felt needed more information and the ones that related to what happened not to the ones that thought what happened. Like I abuse or nag all the time and he got tired of it. And I replied to this because I dont believe its wrong or childish to put a FML that no one I know, knows whats going on. Im not putting it on facebook or anything else public. Just expressing what im feeling.

OP, my husband, wonderful man that he is, had issues talking things out. I started him off slow by allowing him to text his grievances to me from another place. It took the pressure of confrontation away. Eventually we could talk on the phone. Now he's a little more blunt than I'd like, but it works. Try asking him to write down why he doesn't talk anymore and anything else he feels is relevant, then leave for the day while you read it. If he's afraid of your reaction, he doesn't have to be there until you've had some time to think.

You won't find any good advice here on Fml, that's just not what happens. Talk to your family or friends about it, if that's not an option get a counsellor. That may help,you organise your feelings before confronting him.

Maybe he is nervous of something? Hard to tell, just ask what's wrong.

LC3290 16

Neither one of you sound mature enough to even be married. What are you, some stupid "young and in 'love' "couple? Grow up, both of you. Just go see a therapist, smh

amayasoma 19

110 - That reply was childish. Practice what you preach before relaying to others. Last I knew therapy wasn't free or cheap. And sometimes they don't help. I do agree with OP having her husband write letters or text. That way he can get all his feelings and concerns down in one go without getting interrupted.

#40- in my situation I do try hard to listen, I show it by repeating it back to him, ill do everything he asks, but he still says that I don't listen and doesn't feel herd and won't talk to me. I ask him to write his feelings down and he says he will but never does. Then I'll try saying things in the nicest way I can think of give him a back rub and bring him some tea and then say calmly "when you do this it makes me feel like this" and he calls it nagging. Maybe op is having the same issue, you don't know how hard she has tried already.

I don't know if you're a yeller, but if you are how about keeping your voice in a calm normal volume, and not interrupting one another. If that doesn't work than write how you feel.

Coeliacchic93 21

110 I am young and in love with my boyfriend but it doesn't make us stupid. in my opinion therapists aren't always the best idea, I know my boyfriend would find it very difficult to open up to a total stranger. my boyfriend has had problems talking about issues and I have them too. we take our time to talk and don't put pressure on each other. OP maybe he will communicate again, he might need to work through the issue in his own mind before discussing it with you. I don't agree with him texting your mum though, it's an issue within your marriage but he might have needed to voice it to an outsider. Best of luck OP I really hope it works out!

\ 28

Random, but interesting. Why is it that couples married in the '60s and '70s are still together today? Because it was a generation when if something was broken, you'd fix it instead of throwing it away...

Is there more arguing lately? Try to take a vacation away with no fights!

emirie 21

A "break up"? With her husband? Things aren't that simple, you don't "break up" with your husband over communication issues.

LC3290 16

Oh boo hoo someone called me childish. The truth hurts. And if the shoe fits wear it. This site isn't for some Dr Phil sh!t.

emirie 21

Wow, what crawled up your butt?

emirie 21

It's funny that your profile says you're "caring" and "drama free". You certainly don't seem like it.

amayasoma 19

@139 - That's not truth. That's your ignorant opinion of them. You do not know them personally. All you know is this bit of information. There are plenty of marriages were communicate is lacked. Doesn't make them childish nor anyone else. If you don't like what is being said, you do not have to comment. Simply either vote and move on.

I for one, found your comment reasonable and thumbed it up!

SmilingSadly 0

why do you fight? if your stuck fighting about how shitty he argues, your stuck in an endless loop and are a moron. if you fight about trivial shit, let it go, it's not worth a fight or your marriage. if it's about really important things (house, car, job, sex life and kids are three only acceptable answers) then seek professional help. Yeah that's a bad rap, it sucks but you can't stick yourself in a loop like that.

I'm sorry OP hope all goes well this time of the year.

At least we know he'll get along with the in-laws!

iLike2Teabag 27

There are 2 sides to every story. It's possible that the reason the guy isn't communicating is because she's been "abusing" him or something along those lines.

No. he used to talk and listen. Instead, he now says he doesnt know how to handle situations, so he just throws his hands in the air and says I'm done talking.

I agree #29, guys usually don't just quit arguments unless she has been picking fights so often he does not want to deal with it anymore.

He says he doesnt know how to handle situations. His excuse everytime is that hes never been in a serious relationship before.

Just a thought but if he's saying he doesn't know how to handle it suddenly, maybe it's because he feels what he's been trying in the past wasn't working, and really doesn't know what to do.

I just wish I could get the right way of talking to him. Without making it worse. I tried hinting counceling for the both of us so he could put in what he has to say too. He refuses. I.think that would be best so they could help with what we both think about how things are handled.

to be honest op, I'm the same way as your husband from what it seems. I get like that with my wife for things like this: her "how was your day?" "alright" "just alright nothing happened?" "nope" "well something must have happened?" "nope" then she gets annoyed and argument starts. its no ones fault my wife thinks I'm mad about something but really I just don't want to talk and nothing worth talking about happened, so im simply just answering the question. maybe your husband is the same if so just let it be and he will come around. if you talk to him and you don't like the response don't press him and just say OK. ask him about something he likes sometimes that gets guys to talk more. hope this helps.

My boyfriend does the exact same thing as you. I will tell you that it is very aggravating! Is it really that difficult to say "Just the usual, nothing special." than a simple "Nope." At least then you're contributing to the conversation instead of sounding like you don't care to talk at all.

It sounds like you two need help; maybe in the form of a therapist.

emirie 21

My fiancé would do almost the same thing to me. Couples therapy helped a lot.

Next time he tries to "communicate" to you for money or a sandwich, or anything, ignore him. Tell him communication has two ends, not just one.

If she was to follow your advice, there would be no "end", and it would probably mean complete disaster for the marriage. Ignoring your spouse is like a death sentence for the relationship. The OP and her husband need to sit down together like mature adults and work things out TOGETHER.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

I hate people that pull this type of shit. I had many girlfriends who'd just ignore me when there was a problem, needless to say they weren't around very long. People need to stop all this dumb ass passive aggressive bullshit and deal with their problems head on. Don't run away and act like nothing happened, that makes everything worse. Whenever you're able to talk it out, the problem will eventually work itself out. Acting like it never happened wont make it go away, and acting like a spoiled ignorant bitch ain't going to help either. I'm not saying it'll always work out the way you want it to, because it won't, that's ******* life for ya. I seriously hope you don't take you'd own advice and ignore every little thing that causes a ripple in your life, 6.

I feel for you op, you and your husband need to have a nice long chat and sort this all out, you both need eachother to get through this :)!

A nice long chat with someone who doesn't feel like he can communicate with her any more. That'll go well.

JMichael 25

Try couples therapy. It may help, but I'm not married, so I don't know.

Trooth 13

He also needed to include "I'm not man enough either"