By Iloverainbows10 - 18/12/2013 16:44 - United States - Brunswick
Iloverainbows10 tells us more.
He wasnt always like this. Used to listen and talk. Now hands are just being thrown up in the air. Says he doesnt know how to handle fights.
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@Iloverainbows10 He didn't just stop for no reason... Do you listen to him? As someone that has had the problem of just stopping communicating, yes I made it worse by not communicating (as he probably has made the situation worse aswell), but I felt like nothing I said was going to get heard anyway so I stopped and just let the accusing come over me because getting the blame was easier then getting him to listen. The situation didn't get solved by me starting to communicate again, but by me communicating again and he listening. You can whine all you want about his behaviour is immature but you can't get him to get his act together, only he can do that. What you can do however is think about your behaviour and what you did to make him stop communicating. Although whatever conclusion you might come up with, I suggest you stop nagging him about not communication so that he doesn't feel like he's in a mother-son-relationship instead of a husband-wife-relationship. That's just kills it before you have time to solve the problem.
People respond different ways to conflict, some people are rhinos and attack the problem head-on, others are hedgehogs and would rather retreat than fight. You often get opposites in marriage and it's not gender specific. You may find you need to be far more gentle with him, which is incredibly hard when you're frustrated. But work on listening when he does speak and not instantly telling him why he's wrong.
I am a very high energy bold person, and rather confrontational but also shut down and just don't say shit when dealing with certain people. Like #40 I shut down when I feel that I am not being heard anyway so there's no point. People typically don't just change behaviors suddenly for no reason. Not saying it's your fault op however I highly doubt you're completely innocent in all this, it's never that black or white. Maybe try taking time to see what really works for him and really listen to him. Also in my opinion it's rather childish of you to post this on a site instead of actually dealing with the issue at hand. Try something like couples consoling because clearly something's up in your marriage.
#60, I disagree that coming here is childish. She needs advice and is frustrated. This is about as anonymous as you can get to get feedback from others who have similar experiences. What is childish, is him texting HER mom and involving his wife's mom in the problems.
I disagree that texting the mom was childish. It's someone he knows well and clearly feels he can trust, she knows the whole story from both sides and likely knows her daughter fairly well. We know nothing but her biased opinion, and the general response she'll get from strangers hearing one end of the story is likely negative views on her husband and supporting her thoughts. I'd be pretty angry if someone I married felt that instead of talking things out or getting professional help it was better to air our dirty laundry to hundreds of complete strangers.
I obviously tried talking to him.. Thats what the whole thing was about. It was about us communicating. Which he did not want to do. He wants to ignore it til its forgotten. And tellin hundreds of people while being anonymous for advice because my husband doesnt want to talk about it... Isnt wrong.
@Iloverainbows10 It is wrong if you only choose to take in the opinion of people that agree with you. Did you listen to the people giving a critical opinion aswell? So far I've noticed that you've only responded to defend yourself or to agree with people that agree with him being the wrong person. I'm one of those persons that said something critical, not just about you but also about your husband. Did you take it in or did you ignore it. Taking in doesn't nececairly mean agreeing with it all, but it does mean that you aren't dismissing it emediatly.
No I completely understand. And ive read them all. The ones I comment on are the ones that I felt needed more information and the ones that related to what happened not to the ones that thought what happened. Like I abuse or nag all the time and he got tired of it. And I replied to this because I dont believe its wrong or childish to put a FML that no one I know, knows whats going on. Im not putting it on facebook or anything else public. Just expressing what im feeling.
OP, my husband, wonderful man that he is, had issues talking things out. I started him off slow by allowing him to text his grievances to me from another place. It took the pressure of confrontation away. Eventually we could talk on the phone. Now he's a little more blunt than I'd like, but it works. Try asking him to write down why he doesn't talk anymore and anything else he feels is relevant, then leave for the day while you read it. If he's afraid of your reaction, he doesn't have to be there until you've had some time to think.
110 - That reply was childish. Practice what you preach before relaying to others. Last I knew therapy wasn't free or cheap. And sometimes they don't help. I do agree with OP having her husband write letters or text. That way he can get all his feelings and concerns down in one go without getting interrupted.
#40- in my situation I do try hard to listen, I show it by repeating it back to him, ill do everything he asks, but he still says that I don't listen and doesn't feel herd and won't talk to me. I ask him to write his feelings down and he says he will but never does. Then I'll try saying things in the nicest way I can think of give him a back rub and bring him some tea and then say calmly "when you do this it makes me feel like this" and he calls it nagging. Maybe op is having the same issue, you don't know how hard she has tried already.
110 I am young and in love with my boyfriend but it doesn't make us stupid. in my opinion therapists aren't always the best idea, I know my boyfriend would find it very difficult to open up to a total stranger. my boyfriend has had problems talking about issues and I have them too. we take our time to talk and don't put pressure on each other. OP maybe he will communicate again, he might need to work through the issue in his own mind before discussing it with you. I don't agree with him texting your mum though, it's an issue within your marriage but he might have needed to voice it to an outsider. Best of luck OP I really hope it works out!
@139 - That's not truth. That's your ignorant opinion of them. You do not know them personally. All you know is this bit of information. There are plenty of marriages were communicate is lacked. Doesn't make them childish nor anyone else. If you don't like what is being said, you do not have to comment. Simply either vote and move on.
why do you fight? if your stuck fighting about how shitty he argues, your stuck in an endless loop and are a moron. if you fight about trivial shit, let it go, it's not worth a fight or your marriage. if it's about really important things (house, car, job, sex life and kids are three only acceptable answers) then seek professional help. Yeah that's a bad rap, it sucks but you can't stick yourself in a loop like that.
I just wish I could get the right way of talking to him. Without making it worse. I tried hinting counceling for the both of us so he could put in what he has to say too. He refuses. I.think that would be best so they could help with what we both think about how things are handled.
to be honest op, I'm the same way as your husband from what it seems. I get like that with my wife for things like this: her "how was your day?" "alright" "just alright nothing happened?" "nope" "well something must have happened?" "nope" then she gets annoyed and argument starts. its no ones fault my wife thinks I'm mad about something but really I just don't want to talk and nothing worth talking about happened, so im simply just answering the question. maybe your husband is the same if so just let it be and he will come around. if you talk to him and you don't like the response don't press him and just say OK. ask him about something he likes sometimes that gets guys to talk more. hope this helps.
My boyfriend does the exact same thing as you. I will tell you that it is very aggravating! Is it really that difficult to say "Just the usual, nothing special." than a simple "Nope." At least then you're contributing to the conversation instead of sounding like you don't care to talk at all.
Next time he tries to "communicate" to you for money or a sandwich, or anything, ignore him. Tell him communication has two ends, not just one.
If she was to follow your advice, there would be no "end", and it would probably mean complete disaster for the marriage. Ignoring your spouse is like a death sentence for the relationship. The OP and her husband need to sit down together like mature adults and work things out TOGETHER.
I hate people that pull this type of shit. I had many girlfriends who'd just ignore me when there was a problem, needless to say they weren't around very long. People need to stop all this dumb ass passive aggressive bullshit and deal with their problems head on. Don't run away and act like nothing happened, that makes everything worse. Whenever you're able to talk it out, the problem will eventually work itself out. Acting like it never happened wont make it go away, and acting like a spoiled ignorant bitch ain't going to help either. I'm not saying it'll always work out the way you want it to, because it won't, that's fucking life for ya. I seriously hope you don't take you'd own advice and ignore every little thing that causes a ripple in your life, 6.
I feel for you op, you and your husband need to have a nice long chat and sort this all out, you both need eachother to get through this :)!