By shite - United Kingdom

Please love me

Today, it was my first day at my new job. Not only does everyone hate me for replacing a guy they all liked, I managed to clog the only functional toilet there. The glares and threatening head-shaking they keep doing probably means I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44147

You deserved it

5752

Favorite

Work

BO Central

Mystery unwanted gift

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By JC - United States

Today, I took a smoke break at work and I noticed a huge zit on my face. I used the reflection from a window to take care of the problem and then realized that there was a staff meeting taking place on the other side. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11689

You deserved it

39829

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31274

You deserved it

17525

Favorite

By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20196

You deserved it

1663

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30301

You deserved it

5349

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39509

You deserved it

2620

Favorite

By Anon - United States

Today, after a small fight with my girlfriend, I started to miss her, so I typed her name into Google on a whim. Surprisingly, I find a link to a blog in which the owner describes his ongoing effort to seduce my girl. During times she told me she was alone. Thanks babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32605

You deserved it

3478

Favorite

By policeopenup - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54218

You deserved it

8687

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, is the start of the third month that I prayed I would be fired, just so I didn't have to quit because I hate awkward conversations. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28812

You deserved it

8574

Favorite

By Kate - United States

Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16632

You deserved it

22841

Favorite

By norestforthewicked - United States

Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5432

You deserved it

583

Favorite

By SADlilAZN - United States

Today, I made a couple videos of me playing guitar and singing some of my favorite songs. I arrived back from school to find my family huddled around the cam-corder laughing, imitating, and making jokes about the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35729

You deserved it

8595

Favorite

By Stiny - United States

Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32234

You deserved it

15615

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28544

You deserved it

1817

Favorite

By Pop_Pies - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52965

You deserved it

4140

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after being in love with one of my best friends for ages, he took me on a date. We then went back to his place and we made love. Afterwards, he told me he wanted to show me something and led me outside. He ran back in and locked the door. It's a two hour walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59451

You deserved it

7449

Favorite

By heymacie - United States - Lubbock

Today, I was at a family gathering with my boyfriend. Jokingly, my grandmother swatted my butt to get me to move. Out of habit, I moaned quite loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21928

You deserved it

38076

Favorite

By Ouch - United States - Amelia

Today, I found out that unlike in movies, you really don't know you're shot until you see the gunshot wound. Then, once the adrenaline wears off, it's complete agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6932

You deserved it

421

Favorite

By babysitter93 - United States

Today, I was fired from the babysitting job I have had for 2 years. I thought maybe the mother had found out that I sometimes let her kids stay up late and have extra sweets. The real reason, as she told me, was that she didn't want her kids loving anyone more than they love her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58817

You deserved it

3542

Favorite

By rissa5214 - United States - Stoughton

Today, I told my boyfriend of three years that I wanted to get married and have a child within the next five years. He responded by packing up my things and showing me the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26414

You deserved it

5873

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47276

You deserved it

8070

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, as a priest, I was invited to the home of a lady who claimed that the face of Jesus had appeared to her. She took me upstairs to her bathroom and... it was poo. She genuinely thought she could see Jesus in the poo sitting in her toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3166

You deserved it

333

Favorite

By Nnn

Today, my coworker came to my desk, so I greeted him with a smile, and said, "Hello friend." He then told me that we are not friends, and that he hates when I say that. Oh, OK, sorry for trying to be nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1561

You deserved it

417

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the shower and had just finished washing my face. When I put the soap down I noticed a curly, black hair stuck to it. Im blond. The only other person who uses that bathroom is my uncle. I just rubbed my uncle's pubic hair all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55758

You deserved it

9137

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24182

You deserved it

2547

Favorite

By Kayak - United Kingdom

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44388

You deserved it

4467

Favorite

By Anonymous - Germany - M?hlhausen

Today, I found out why my boyfriend likes to do my hair and makeup for me. Far from it being some kind of fetish or hobby, it's because he thinks I do such a crappy job that feels he has to apply it himself so I don't "embarrass" him when we're out in public together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35562

You deserved it

12447

Favorite

By funnywoe - 19/7/2020 20:01

Gratitude walks

Today, my uncle is staying with my family and he just gave me the weirdest 'gift' I've ever gotten. He gave me his used shaver. He said he realized that it's for women, but I find this disgusting. I could maybe sanitize it, but then I would have to touch the hairs on it. I had to pretend to be truly grateful for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1471

You deserved it

158

Favorite

By Undercooked - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52775

You deserved it

4725

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I lost my $100 in cash that I had to use to pay my phone bill. As a result, my phone got cut off and I miss an important call for an apartment that I was looking at. When I went to work I heard my boss saying how lucky she was to find $100 in cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58962

You deserved it

5911

Favorite

By linren - United States

TMI, dude

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

I agree, your life sucks

94110

You deserved it

7618

Favorite

By Helpless

Today I had to tell my girlfriend that we can't keep taking care of her drug addicted dad because it is ruining out lives. We have a 90 day notice to move and I said I won't move to a new place if she is going to have him live there. Guess who is looking for a new roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2791

You deserved it

391

Favorite

By Hotsauce887 - United States

Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70158

You deserved it

25602

Favorite

By yuuupyup - United States - Somerset

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26355

You deserved it

2032

Favorite

By Kronic - United States

Today, I went shopping with my two sons and my wife. We got separated after a while, and I spotted my son in the video game section of the store. I snuck up behind him and playfully slapped him on the back of the head. The kid turned around and it wasn't my son. His mom was none to happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14280

You deserved it

48491

Favorite

By Anonymous

Overreaction much?

Today, my boyfriend's mum yelled at me for, "nagging Stephen to get married when he isn't ready." I mentioned marriage once. At my sister's wedding. When prompted by my grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1491

You deserved it

309

Favorite

By zac545 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53863

You deserved it

11189

Favorite

By CatLover<3 - United States - Cibolo

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46438

You deserved it

21872

Favorite

By frenchy - United States

Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get shit up and down two of the store aisles, then go to the ladies room and mess up the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with bio-hazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

124669

You deserved it

9133

Favorite

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I was jogging, and I saw a little boy walking. Crying and all alone. Thinking that he was probably lost, I asked to him with my sweetest voice: 'Hi there, did you lose somebody?' He screamed terrified and ran away. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29569

You deserved it

5767

Favorite

By Dashofweak - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14839

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1549

Favorite

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Top comments

By rockne93 | 17

#5823662 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:11

Clog that toilet every single day and show them who's in control

By auro7 | 18

#5823661 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:10

I guess there's only a few options left, quit or man up and unclog the toilet.

COMMENTS

By Baucis | 10

#5823659 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:10

shouldn't of ate those tacos!

booze_n_bitches | 35

#5823666 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:12

*have eaten

Baucis | 10

#5823673 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:19

thanks spelig iz emportant

Paco_el_Taco | 17

#5823683 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:22

that wasn't just any taco, that was my cousin he ate!!!!

JustinKirby | 20

#5823775 - Saturday 11 January 2014 4:21

She corrected yor grammar not spelling

NashyzzleTheN | 10

#5823800 - Saturday 11 January 2014 4:51

Grammar are important so thanks four doing that

By booze_n_bitches | 35

#5823660 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:10

Yey for first impressions!

fml8956 | 7

#5823686 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:28

It will get better!

JMichael | 25

#5823691 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:31

Or could get shittier

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5823759 - Saturday 11 January 2014 3:39

yeah probably that

Kamon97 | 23

#5823794 - Saturday 11 January 2014 4:42

Must've scared him shitless haha

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5823996 - Saturday 11 January 2014 7:52

I guess you had a shitty d- *slap*. We have had enough of the those comments. Its. Done. Its. Over. Never say those words again.

CloudBustah | 20

#5824142 - Saturday 11 January 2014 13:03

#63 what's ironic about your comment is that that particular comment about 'oh stop shitty situation jokes' will get down voted for being old too.

jsp16 | 24

#5824153 - Saturday 11 January 2014 13:22

I think OP replaced Jordan Belfort.

By auro7 | 18

#5823661 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:10

I guess there's only a few options left, quit or man up and unclog the toilet.

By rockne93 | 17

#5823662 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:11

Clog that toilet every single day and show them who's in control

TheCrispyCat | 20

#5823773 - Saturday 11 January 2014 4:18

That would lead to his death, but he would die a man.

By YourBatteryIsLow | 8

#5823664 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:12

How do you clog a toilet at a workplace? I mean those things suction the crap out of the toilet...literally!

buckeyed | 20

#5823669 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:15

Well, "workplace" could mean just about anywhere, with any kind of plumbing.

nopasanada | 3

#5823790 - Saturday 11 January 2014 4:40

crappy toilet!!!!!

Holy_Schnikes | 23

#5824004 - Saturday 11 January 2014 7:58

Some guys at my work will fill the toilet up with toilet paper and it clogs.

By Kyuzomi | 12

#5823665 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:12

Unclog the toilet and gain trust with them. Maybe you can be the new man they all like! :D

By buckeyed | 20

#5823667 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:13

Just letting them know you mean business.

By perdix | 29

#5823668 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:15

For your career's sake, you should probably bring a personal litter box.

You might survive if you have an office, but if you're in a cubicle, your neighbors will not tolerate the smell and the scratching.

Welshite | 39

#5823675 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:20

Solution: adult diapers.

My coworkers never complain.

coried91 | 28

#5823745 - Saturday 11 January 2014 3:07

I just pictured a coworker walking by their desk while he is squatting in a little box taking a shit. I would love to see that on the news.

LowExpectations | 30

#5824150 - Saturday 11 January 2014 13:17

Maybe OP should poop in his desk drawer so people don't notice. Also to disguise the poop he should grow some lovely vegetables with the new fertilizer. OP's fresh salads will win the hearts of his coworkers.

perdix | 29

#5824206 - Saturday 11 January 2014 16:16

#70, and the E. coli will kill them off, so everyone who remembers the previous guy will die off. Brilliant!

By Dthsapprntc | 23

#5823671 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:17

Bring in a cake for everyone. Cake fixes everything. Except the toilet, might want to get a plunger for that.

Mmmmmmm, cake.

Axipiter | 24

#5823697 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:46

Unclog the toilet, and lace the cake with a laxative. Once someone else clogs the toilet, you two will have something in common, aside from both being hated by your coworkers! You'll become fast friends!

nubbles10 | 13

#5824298 - Saturday 11 January 2014 18:10

Don't listen to him!!!!!!!!
..the cake is a lie....

By Paco_el_Taco | 17

#5823678 - Saturday 11 January 2014 1:21