Work: Please love me

Please love me

By shite - 10/01/2014 21:46 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day at my new job. Not only does everyone hate me for replacing a guy they all liked, I managed to clog the only functional toilet there. The glares and threatening head-shaking they keep doing probably means I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 163

You deserved it 5 755

Work

Stop talking!

This Charming Man

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Boredom

By Anonymous - 03/07/2020 14:02

Today, I'm so bored during quarantine that I'm looking forward to the virtual doctor's appointment I made for next week, about the potential erectile dysfunction I might have. I'm also 22 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 465

You deserved it 180

By Noname - 05/03/2009 19:44 - Canada

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 536 076

You deserved it 52 941

By mathii - 23/07/2011 23:52 - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 685

You deserved it 6 131

Ouch

By beateneggs - 02/03/2010 19:57 - United States

Today, while shopping with my mother, she handed me a frozen turkey to put in the cart, but ended up swinging it into my nuts instead. I feel like a giant battered eggplant, and I think I'm now impotent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 360

You deserved it 3 412

Self-fulfilling prophecy

By Dave - 04/10/2012 14:44 - United States

Today, I woke up after having a nightmare that my girlfriend broke up with me. Needing reassurance, I told her about it. She became furious with me saying that she'd never do that and called me an "inconsiderate fucking bastard for even thinking that." Then she broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 824

You deserved it 3 778

By hmdge1 - 10/06/2015 03:21 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, I found out that my boss of 2 years not only doesn't know my name, but calls me "Jew hair" behind my back because of my natural ringlets. This man determines all of my career progression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 153

You deserved it 1 864

By Anonymous - 01/08/2019 22:00

Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 550

You deserved it 142

By blondebarbie271 - 26/07/2015 23:55 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 283

You deserved it 14 398

By thebravelittletoaster - 20/03/2011 20:32 - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 312

You deserved it 9 829

The Boxer

By single - 27/03/2020 05:15 - Canada

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 235

You deserved it 165

By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 03:19 - United States

Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 171

You deserved it 5 135

By mushroommouth - 01/10/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 716

You deserved it 22 662

Ad break

By Remy - 17/06/2021 16:01

Today, I had the brilliant idea of scanning my PC in the afternoon, because Malwarebytes told me I might have malware and it's been running hot and slow lately. Five and a half hours later, the scan is 1.3% complete. FML

I agree, your life sucks 749

You deserved it 149

By staringisrude - 27/08/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, at work, I was putting away clothes in the Men's department, when a guy came and started shopping in the aisle in front of me. He kept staring at me non-stop. Getting fed up, I said "What are you staring at?" Turns out he was wearing his sunglasses on the back of his head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 268

You deserved it 64 563

By dammit - 10/08/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, there was a fire drill at my school. I was in the bathroom taking a dump, and if that wasn't bad enough, I got suspended for two days for 'improper procedure during a fire drill'. I didn't know you could get suspended for taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 310

You deserved it 4 367

By Anonymous - 07/09/2013 22:22 - Australia - Padstow

Today, my friend asked if she could come over to my place. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I said sure. Turns out she just wants to copy all my notes for our upcoming exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 489

You deserved it 3 878

By a single fuck - 23/05/2013 16:40 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my girlfriend actually yelled, "Why are you making this all about YOU?!" after I confronted her over cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 948

You deserved it 3 096

Daddy's little girl

By what did I raise?! - 19/03/2021 06:01 - United States

Today, my daughter asked to use my phone to find hers. Instead, she sent multiple messages to my boyfriend, trying to break up with him. When asked why she did it, she said it’s because she wants me to get back with her father. This would be somewhat understandable if she wasn’t 32 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 232

You deserved it 103

By sweatstreaks - 16/09/2011 09:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 045

You deserved it 11 476

By Big Baby - 28/01/2017 00:00

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 383

You deserved it 785

Man vs Boy

By Anonymous - 17/02/2018 19:00

Today, it was my first day at a new gym, which cost a fortune. Some skinny teen who had clearly never lifted in his life dropped a weight while I was stretching and broke my ankle. Money down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 889

You deserved it 282

It's a gas gas gas

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 10:01 - United States - Schertz

Today, as my husband normally initiates sex and sometimes I want to but always chicken out, I was feeling brave and did so. After he came, he continued working on me and I farted. I embarrassingly apologized and he said it was ok and kept going. I then continued to fart, and I had to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 219

You deserved it 220

By ahdeadcats - 31/08/2009 07:37 - United States

Today, I got to go back into my house after it had been tented. Suddenly, a foul stench filled my house. My husband checked all around the house and finally checked under the house. There were more than 12 dead stray cats under our house, and guess who was in charge of pulling them out? FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 135

You deserved it 3 745

By xoxo_retailslave420_xoxo - 21/05/2016 12:57 - Australia - Parramatta

Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 677

You deserved it 1 142

By anonymous - 05/05/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 500

You deserved it 6 289

By Foot In Mouth - 05/02/2009 22:56 - United States

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 187

You deserved it 36 332

By sadface - 03/02/2010 11:58 - France

Today, I found out that I'm not actually pregnant. I've apparently been having a hysterical pregnancy because I want a child so badly. I don't know which was worse, the look of relief on my husband's face or having to send a mass email to inform my family and friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 981

You deserved it 9 072

By cul8erqtpie20 - 03/01/2012 16:35 - United States

Today, I found out my roomie has lost her only source of income. This means I'm responsible for all the bills and the rent. I would kick her out and get someone else, but she's my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 211

You deserved it 4 702

Tree trunks

By AloneAtPerkins - 18/11/2020 13:02 - United States - West Bend

Today, I shaved my legs. It's been so long since I've shaved that my razor broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 640

You deserved it 310

By edhalen - 23/04/2009 07:47 - United States

Today, I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the f***ing thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 946

You deserved it 64 206

By Sassers - 03/12/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 817

You deserved it 34 937

By Anonymous - 03/12/2012 19:02 - Canada - London

Today, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. After yelling and arguing my point, my cat got up and jumped up next to her on the bed. He sat down, and they both glared at me until I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 451

You deserved it 4 287

By a hex upon your anus, sir - 25/05/2013 16:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I got on the subway with a broken leg. A kind woman stood up and offered me her seat. Before I could sit down, a guy shoved past me and took it for himself. The woman and I pointed out my cast and crutches, and asked him to give up the seat. He responded by flipping us off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 260

You deserved it 3 243

Thruple

By Secret girl - 06/11/2021 10:01 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, it was insinuated that my only other female co-worker is seeing the guy I'm seeing. He bashes her all the time to me, too. Now, I wonder what he says about me, to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 128

By CollegeKid - 22/01/2017 22:00

Today, I was in the hospital for 12 hours with unbearable stomach pain. Apparently I have a horrible infection in my intestines and colon. My mom is now accusing me of having anal sex and allowing a man to ejaculate into my bum. My great-grandma believes her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 388

You deserved it 716

By stpdaziandude - 08/05/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 803

You deserved it 44 929

By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 18:48 - Belize - Belize City

Today, I finally found a place to stay after being kicked out by my parents. The psycho owner waited till now to tell me that my bathroom door will remain locked at all times, and that whenever I want to go in there, I have to ask him to unlock it, then do my business while he waits outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 658

You deserved it 3 648

By Jill - 15/06/2013 04:19 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 270

You deserved it 22 674

By Anonymous - 28/09/2013 04:08 - United States - Bloomdale

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 635

You deserved it 4 385

By angie429 - 27/11/2011 23:45 - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to my family's traditional late Thanksgiving dinner. While eating, my mom brought up celebrity infidelity. My grandpa ended up looking me in the eye and saying, "Look Angie, sometimes what a man has just isn't enough. When that happens, cheating is forgiveable." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 058

You deserved it 2 726

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Top comments

rockne93 17

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:11

Clog that toilet every single day and show them who's in control

auro7 18

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:10

I guess there's only a few options left, quit or man up and unclog the toilet.

Baucis 10

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:10

shouldn't of ate those tacos!

booze_n_bitches 35

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:12

*have eaten

Baucis 10

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:19

thanks spelig iz emportant

Paco_el_Taco 17

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:22

that wasn't just any taco, that was my cousin he ate!!!!

JustinKirby 20

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Saturday 11 January 2014 4:21

She corrected yor grammar not spelling

NashyzzleTheN 10

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Saturday 11 January 2014 4:51

Grammar are important so thanks four doing that

booze_n_bitches 35

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:10

Yey for first impressions!

fml8956 7

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:28

It will get better!

JMichael 25

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:31

Or could get shittier

dingleberrysteve 6

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Saturday 11 January 2014 3:39

yeah probably that

Kamon97 23

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Saturday 11 January 2014 4:42

Must've scared him shitless haha

Clay_Pidgeon 11

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Saturday 11 January 2014 7:52

I guess you had a shitty d- *slap*. We have had enough of the those comments. Its. Done. Its. Over. Never say those words again.

CloudBustah 20

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Saturday 11 January 2014 13:03

#63 what's ironic about your comment is that that particular comment about 'oh stop shitty situation jokes' will get down voted for being old too.

jsp16 24

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Saturday 11 January 2014 13:22

I think OP replaced Jordan Belfort.

auro7 18

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:10

I guess there's only a few options left, quit or man up and unclog the toilet.

rockne93 17

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:11

Clog that toilet every single day and show them who's in control

TheCrispyCat 20

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Saturday 11 January 2014 4:18

That would lead to his death, but he would die a man.

YourBatteryIsLow 8

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:12

How do you clog a toilet at a workplace? I mean those things suction the crap out of the toilet...literally!

buckeyed 20

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:15

Well, "workplace" could mean just about anywhere, with any kind of plumbing.

nopasanada 3

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Saturday 11 January 2014 4:40

crappy toilet!!!!!

Holy_Schnikes 23

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Saturday 11 January 2014 7:58

Some guys at my work will fill the toilet up with toilet paper and it clogs.

Kyuzomi 12

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:12

Unclog the toilet and gain trust with them. Maybe you can be the new man they all like! :D

buckeyed 20

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:13

Just letting them know you mean business.

perdix 29

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:15

For your career's sake, you should probably bring a personal litter box. You might survive if you have an office, but if you're in a cubicle, your neighbors will not tolerate the smell and the scratching.

Welshite 39

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:20

Solution: adult diapers. My coworkers never complain.

coried91 28

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Saturday 11 January 2014 3:07

I just pictured a coworker walking by their desk while he is squatting in a little box taking a shit. I would love to see that on the news.

LowExpectations 30

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Saturday 11 January 2014 13:17

Maybe OP should poop in his desk drawer so people don't notice. Also to disguise the poop he should grow some lovely vegetables with the new fertilizer. OP's fresh salads will win the hearts of his coworkers.

perdix 29

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Saturday 11 January 2014 16:16

#70, and the E. coli will kill them off, so everyone who remembers the previous guy will die off. Brilliant!

Dthsapprntc 23

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:17

Bring in a cake for everyone. Cake fixes everything. Except the toilet, might want to get a plunger for that. Mmmmmmm, cake.

Axipiter 24

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Saturday 11 January 2014 1:46

Unclog the toilet, and lace the cake with a laxative. Once someone else clogs the toilet, you two will have something in common, aside from both being hated by your coworkers! You'll become fast friends!