Today, my husband came home and groped my ass, so I tossed cold water into his face to make him back off. He's now acting like I sprayed him with toxic acid waste now. What a baby. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won't talk to me because this is 'the first step on the road of domestic violence'. FML
Today, my husband was being obnoxious, so I jokingly sprayed him with the dish hose. The floor got wet, and he slipped and busted his knees. Our daughter rushed over to him to see if he was OK, then slipped and busted her head on the floor. FML
Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, my husband left our bedroom to go turn the thermostat down in the hall. I let out the smelliest fart, so bad that I had to blame it on our baby. He laughed and said, "I leave for one second and come back and it smells like a sewer in here." FML
Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML
Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML
Today, my husband was disgusted by me expressing breast milk while we were in the shower together. This is the same man who thinks it's funny to pee on my legs because, "It'll wash off." FML
Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML
Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML
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Top comments
bigredmonkeybutt 30
Next week: Today, my husband won’t touch me because I threw cold water in his face.
DLBL 23
You must be a joy to live with.
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Comments (6)
stickyface 17
I hope he leaves unwashed dishes out and the toilet seat up.
bigredmonkeybutt 30
Next week: Today, my husband won’t touch me because I threw cold water in his face.
DLBL 23
You must be a joy to live with.
idragosani 17
Him grabbing you was inappropriate but a push off and "No" should have sufficed
TomeDr 25
Not enough information. Did you playfully splash water on him? Did he grab you at a bad/inconvenient/embarrassing time? Has he ignored you when you asked him not to grab you? Were you flirting and the water sent a mixed signal to him?