Today, I found out that the money I spent on a very specific...

By BlueyedKat - 27/2/2016 06:03 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I found out that the money I spent on a very specific degree was wasted, because apparently, I don't qualify for a job at the place that told me I had to have that degree. FML

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Work

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Car Wars

Minefield

By Anonymous - 24/9/2015 17:07 - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

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By cinemasaddo - 25/9/2013 22:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I was let down for a movie date. As I'd already paid for the tickets, I got my narcoleptic sister to come and sit next to me while she slept, so it didn't look like I came on my own. FML

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By Festivaler - 13/7/2013 07:14 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML

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By claira - 8/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom made me take a pregnancy test since I missed my last 4 periods. It came back positive and my mom grounded me. I’ve never had sex. FML

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By quadropheniac - 9/6/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML

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By mainlineloser - 28/11/2014 05:25 - United States - Narberth

Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML

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By yoggabe - 18/8/2012 20:34 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I found out that my six year old cousin has a raging crush on my boyfriend. She lives across the street and watches from her window for his car to appear in front of my house. She's indicated that she'll stop at nothing until he's hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 06:26 - United States

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

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By BadBoyfriend - 3/6/2013 04:31 - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not remembering our anniversary. Our three week anniversary. FML

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By spitball101 - 12/1/2014 05:26 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years finally proposed to me at the park we first met in. As I was about to say yes, a huge fly flew straight into my mouth. I ruined the moment by choking on it and eventually spitting it out on him. I think he's rethinking the proposal. FML

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By HoobidibooFox - 13/11/2014 22:26 - United Kingdom - Coseley

Today, I found out the one good thing about having fat rolls: when someone walks in on you sitting on the toilet, they hide your private parts. FML

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By ... - 29/11/2008 11:50 - France

Today, well actually last night, I did a full striptease for my girlfriend to "You can leave your hat on". When the song was over, I was then completely naked, she says to me : "Maybe we should have closed the shutters!" FML

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By TheL1nds - 26/5/2012 09:17 - Australia - Kingswood

Today, I checked my fake Facebook account for the first time in ages and realized that the fake me got more birthday greetings than the real me. FML

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By rmonk - 6/7/2016 12:17 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at an ice cream place, and a guy started chatting with us. As he eventually went to leave, he told me "That's a nice looking date you got there." Then he turned to my friend. "Wish I could say the same to you." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 07:11 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I was stretching after a group run. I noticed one of the girls was having problems balancing, so I told her that I have horrible balance too, but that it'll get better. She sneered and said she had a brain tumor when she was a kid, and that's why she has such bad balance. FML

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By anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:27

Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 21:15 - Finland - Kouvola

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

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By owch - 23/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Maumee

Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML

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By Earlybird76 - 4/4/2017 09:00 - Canada - Richmond

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 14:00 - United States - Charlottesville

Smash the patriarchy!

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend, trying to prove to him that I was stronger. I did. He started crying. He then broke up with me because he couldn't be in a relationship in which his girlfriend was stronger than him. FML

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By Bladerunner - 1/12/2011 09:49 - United States

Today, my car was towed. After taking a cab all the way to the lot for $45 and paying the $250 fee to get my car back, my car broke down in the impound lot and needed to be towed to the nearest shop, where it took another $200 to fix, and $50 for the towing. I still have a 3 hour drive home. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 00:01

Is it slander or libel?

Today, I posted a review, on a strictly anonymous site, about a doctor I went to see for my anxiety but who actually made me worse. A while later, the same doctor called my home phone, addressed me by my full name and threatened to sue me for slander if I didn't take down the review. All of which was 100% true. FML

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By omgwtf - 1/6/2019 04:00

Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML

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By KereKris - 1/12/2016 19:18

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I was running on a track above a basketball court. I noticed several cute guys playing a pick-up game, so I tried to run my hardest. Not paying attention, I didn't hear when they warned me about the ball flying towards me. It hit me in the head, I then ran into a wall and face-planted. FML

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By kagan - 8/8/2019 14:00

Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

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By mafiaguy800 - 27/8/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

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By me - 12/11/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, while in my drama class, my character in a play has to quickly jump up out from his desk. Somehow, my shirt got caught on the desk, ripping it almost completely off in front of a live audience. FML

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By livin - 11/9/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out that on Wednesday, when I have 2 exams, I'm called to testify in court. If I go to court, I cannot make the exams. If I take the exams, I'll be held in contempt and arrested. FML

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By Glutton for Punishment. - 7/9/2010 21:30 - France

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

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By Brotherssuckkk - 18/1/2010 20:04 - France

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

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By Doritos - 17/6/2010 08:06 - United States

Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 05:02

Stiff

Today, I had the house to myself so I lay on my bed with a porno for some me time. I was just about to begin when I felt a sting. A mosquito bit me right on the shaft. I’m allergic to mosquitos, so now I’m sweating, covered in hives and my knob is swollen in a very bad, not fun way. FML

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By nick - 22/3/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I was on a cruise and fell asleep next to the pool. I had an intense dream that I had fallen off into the ocean. I rolled off my sun chair into the water and woke up screaming uncontrollably, I thought I was in the ocean. I was in the kiddy pool. FML

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By Britney - 24/10/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I discovered I have a cyst on my backside. I can't get it removed until Friday. I have to sit through four midterms this week. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 02:00

Team breaking

Today, I went on a work team-building day at a snow park. Thirty minutes in, while I was climbing out of a slide, my 210 lb coworker ploughed into me in a donut ring. He obliterated my ankle and I've now got three months in a cast to look forward to. So much for the building. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2013 23:31 - Brazil

Today, I was on the treadmill at the gym, when I felt my pants start slipping. I tried to pull them up, but lost my balance and fell face-first onto the floor. When I go to my wedding tomorrow, half the guests will probably think I've exchanged my fiancé for Chris Brown. FML

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By whoops - 1/8/2014 20:45 - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

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By bored - 27/11/2012 18:05 - United States

Today, I've now worked on Thanksgiving, Black Friday, the weekend after that, and two days this week. My husband and son have had all that time off, and yet I've still ended up having to clean the dishes and the house after them on all of these days. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 14:01

Free money for me, but not for thee

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

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Top comments

By friedpwnadge | 25

#6546760 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:12

Screw 'em and find a place that will accept your degree.

By silky_mitts | 11

#6546770 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:27

Still got the knowledge though bro

COMMENTS

By friedpwnadge | 25

#6546760 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:12

Screw 'em and find a place that will accept your degree.

By wesleyc2110 | 22

#6546763 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:19

Don't let them get you down, there are more than enough places to get a job

By crazyindynathan | 13

#6546765 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:21

Most professions don't care too much about the kind of degree if you at least have one. Good luck

By hudnnidnspe | 13

#6546768 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:26

I'm sure you'll find a job that requires that degree. When one door closes another one opens.͡° ͜ʖ ͡°

By jake131000 | 21

#6546769 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:26

Get an insurance license! Trust me!

By silky_mitts | 11

#6546770 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:27

Still got the knowledge though bro

By Chikiriwak | 15

#6546771 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:28

Well the person who told you that doesn't qualify for his job.

By bananassin | 25

#6546775 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:31

Why not find another job that requires that degree? Is it for a good job?

By niallo | 23

#6546778 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:36

Education is never wasted. A lot of the credits you took are necessary for all courses. Go for a different degree. It won't take as long as the first one. Good luck.

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6546788 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:54

Maybe when they said "sorry, we don't hire anyone who doesn't have this degree" what they really meant was "EW, there is no way we will ever hire you".