Today, after finally breaking my addiction to sleeping pills,...

By Blanche Dubois - 26/2/2017 11:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, after finally breaking my addiction to sleeping pills, right as I was drifting off to sleep at my first decent drug-free time in over 4 years... I got the hiccups. FML

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Health

Weird kid

In my day…

You snooze, you lose

By ... - 21/4/2012 02:49 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 00:01

Seize the means of production!

Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

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By traitor - 23/4/2013 23:04 - United States - Boston

Today, my ex-boyfriend accepted my mother's offer to have his wedding in our backyard. FML

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By TheMike23 - 11/1/2016 05:28 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went out with my mom to a restaurant. We were sitting down to eat, and a waitress walks over to our table and asks, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" It really was a nice thing to ask, for my mom. As for me, being a man, not so much. FML

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By SeverelyAnnoyed - 31/3/2016 17:53 - Netherlands

Today, a crow somehow got stuck in my ceiling. It's been making tons of noise for 9 hours now, including crowing very loudly. I live in a one-bedroom apartment, I have no access to the attic and the property owner doesn't give a shit. FML

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By 1danzo1 - 17/7/2009 10:12 - Australia

Today, I was getting a haircut. I had my foils in for about 10 minutes when the fire alarm went off. The building then started to fill with smoke and we evacuated. While outside watching the fire being put out, I forgot about my foils. I now have bright bleached yellow and orange hair. FML

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By Loopylogo - 10/1/2017 14:01

Today, my boss came into the office asked how I was doing and seemed totally normal and happy, then said, "I have to let you go. I heard some bad things about you." He wouldn't tell me what he heard, or from whom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2016 05:07 - United States - San Diego

Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML

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By bieberslayer - 6/12/2012 20:47 - United States

Today, in my AP Biology class, a student informed us she'd read that Antarctica had completely melted due to global warming, to which my friend gushed, "Yeah! It's been melted for, like, months." FML

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By CatofSteel - 5/3/2017 22:00

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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By englishornah - 23/4/2015 02:53 - United States - Somerset

Today, I asked my classmate to look over my essay. His comments were longer than the essay itself. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

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By Chelstable - 2/8/2016 17:57

Today, I woke up with the worst headache of my life. I didn't get it from drinking, but rather from puking 6 times off the side of a fishing boat. Fishing was the one thing my husband wanted to do while on vacation, even though I'm 3 months pregnant and have a bad stomach. FML

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By Oops - 7/1/2017 20:48 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I accidentally spilled red wine on my cat. She ran away and licked the wine off before I had a chance to clean her. My mother is deeply concerned our cat is dying. I'm trying to tell her to wait 24 hours before taking her to the vet's, simply because I think my cat is hung over. FML

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By farmakakis - 21/12/2009 06:25 - Australia

Today, I wore a pair of glasses with no lenses because I thought I'd look smarter. I ended up poking myself in the eye several times, leaving it swollen. So much for making me look smarter. FML

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By Danana - 26/1/2009 21:08 - Canada

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting tried to hard boil eggs using the microwave. You cannot hard boil eggs using the microwave. It makes a mess. This we have learned. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2015 21:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML

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By ERnightmare - 2/8/2018 21:00 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML

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By notanightowlanymore - 5/1/2016 17:44 - United States - Clyde

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 20:12 - Denmark

Today, I got stung by a bee. On my eyelid. I'm allergic so it's swollen up so much, I can't even open my eye. Tomorrow is the first day of a new prestigious school. I either have to go to school wearing an eye-patch or walk around looking like a monster. FML

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By theydidsmellitthough - 8/2/2013 21:59 - Israel - Netanya

Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

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By anon. - 3/1/2011 11:37 - New Zealand

Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 01:54 - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 14:38 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

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By Whoops... - 2/9/2018 14:30

Today, my breakfast disagreed with me and I shit myself unexpectedly at the laundromat, right after starting the washer with all of my other pants in it. FML

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By sorry... - 2/3/2015 16:31 - United States - Newark

Today, I realized I hate my boyfriend's little sister enough to break up with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting with my boyfriend watching the Super Nanny. He watches the show regularly and said he has learned some of her techniques. Apparently, he uses them on me when I'm acting irrational. FML

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By Ashley - 7/10/2013 06:11 - United States - Belmont

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I faceplanted. I was going to say "F*ck you" and "I will kill you". It came out as "I will f*ck you." He's still laughing. FML

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By Heww - 28/9/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, after working an 11 hour shift, I decided to treat myself to a delicious Krispy Kreme doughnut. When I got home, I sat down, put my feet up, poured myself a cold glass of milk. My dog jumps on my lap and vomits all over my doughnuts, stares at me then bites the doughnut out of my hand. FML

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By stevenr579 - 23/1/2013 23:33 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I took a taxi ride with my friends. As we were getting out, I paid the taxi driver. With a grin, he drove away fast. It turns out my friend had already paid. FML

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By Huge A Hole - 1/2/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, a girl I've had a huge crush on for a long time told another friend of ours to get a life. I, in my infinite genius responded that her mom needed to get a life. She ran out of the room bawling. I got slapped in the face and informed that her mom had died not long ago. FML

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By EastOneTen - 6/10/2012 07:28 - United States

Today, my four roommates and I contracted lice. While all our heads were slathered in mayonnaise and saran wrap, our building's fire alarm went off. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 06:40 - United States - Denver

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

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By Parusu - 13/2/2014 00:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, a woman pushed a stroller in front of my car. Thinking I'd hit someone, I jumped out. Turns out it was a doll. The "woman" was a 14-year-old girl, claiming, "I did it for the Vine!" FML

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By lydia - 1/7/2020 08:08

Like that's an excuse

Today, my mother screamed at me because she thinks I peed on the toilet seat. Not my dad, me. I’m a girl. FML

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By TheLastSerenade - 23/1/2013 08:33 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a woman breast feeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years old. FML

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By CatLady - 24/8/2009 13:38 - Canada

Today, my cat head-butted me awake as usual. I reached to pet him, but it wasn't his face I touched. It was the still-twitching corpse of the disemboweled rat he held in his jaws. FML

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By Robert Herrin - 14/8/2018 18:30

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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By grossgross - 26/9/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML

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By anon - 26/7/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from the restaurant I work at because I missed my shift. I missed it because I was in the hospital for food poisoning from the meal I ate at work last night. FML

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Top comments

By TheEpicKitten | 20

#7416828 - Sunday 26 February 2017 18:11

Am much as that sucks, good job for trying to break you addiction! Keep it up and sleep will come easier

By interesting33 | 36

#7416975 - Sunday 26 February 2017 23:41

Congratulations on breaking that! I can't imagine how hard that must be. I hope this night is better ☺

COMMENTS

By TheEpicKitten | 20

#7416828 - Sunday 26 February 2017 18:11

Am much as that sucks, good job for trying to break you addiction! Keep it up and sleep will come easier

By RichardPencil | 28

#7416866 - Sunday 26 February 2017 19:43

Well, that's what you get for relying on the kindness of strangers.

RichardPencil | 28

#7417038 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:24

If you're thumbing this down and haven't seen or read "A Streetcar Named Desire," go fuck yourself. This was an awesome literate comment!

By zainman13 | 26

#7416902 - Sunday 26 February 2017 21:29

Hope you got over your hiccups. They can be nasty.

By interesting33 | 36

#7416975 - Sunday 26 February 2017 23:41

Congratulations on breaking that! I can't imagine how hard that must be. I hope this night is better ☺

By Cali | 54

#7417243 - Monday 27 February 2017 12:20

This feels like a prompt for a short film!

By nrallam | 8

#7418246 - Wednesday 1 March 2017 0:05

Ahh you're Stella's sister

By ballerinaaub | 17

#7418931 - Thursday 2 March 2017 11:24

I know that hiccups are actually a symptom of coming off any "addictive" or "body dependant" medication or drug. When I came off my pain medication for cysts all over my uterine area and endometriosis I had them ALL the time. Best of luck and congrats it will pay off soon! Keep it going!