Miscellaneous: Today, I drove a drunk Venezuelan exchange student home after... - FML

By DesDri - Canada

Today, I drove a drunk Venezuelan exchange student home after a prom party. Notable events: her puking on the way to the vehicle, her yelling in Spanish at the top of her lungs in the car, her puking out the window in the moving vehicle, and her crying because she felt bad for making me drive. FML

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Workaholic

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Clean break

By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm still freshly circumcised. My penis is still very sensitive, and I can't squat to grab stuff off the floor because of the pressure against my jeans. Kicking the objects up into my hands was working well, that is until I spilled a pack of 300 toothpicks all over the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 17:02

Mind your own beeswax

Today, I saw an employee showing off a picture on his phone. I couldn't quite see what it was and tried to inject myself in to the conversation. "Whatcha got there, a cow?" It wasn't. It was a photo of his wife, posing in her wedding dress for the first time since their wedding day several years and children ago. FML

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By yourewelcome - United States - Gainesville

Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds of dollars to get my friend a plane ticket home. She yelled at me when I gave it to her. Turns out, she planned on spending a few more months freeloading off me. FML

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By anon - United States - Rocklin

Today, I woke up to the sound of my neighbor pleasuring himself. FML

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By melissa1028 - United States

Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML

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By B - United States

Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a "useless, ungrateful piece of crap", all because I wouldn't have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I've been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

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By anon - United States - Kennett

Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southerly North Slope Bo

Today, I tried proving to my best friend that I wasn't a lesbian by telling her I once liked her brother. She was mad because I never told her and now she's calling him. FML

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By Shepaintsmusic

Today, an antiques dealer made a joke about chopping off and buying my deformed left hand. FML

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By krfenton8

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML

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By i_am_forever - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 02:02

Empathy hurts

Today, my brother-in-law's wife said she won the jackpot by marrying into our family. What she doesn't know is that they make fun of her family behind her back, and her husband has no drive or focus in life. Now I get to watch her discover how crazy they really are. FML

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By me - United States

Today, while driving, I slowed down and made sure I safely went by a pedestrian, and in the process rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Motorless

Today, after months of riding a bike through the rain, I finally saved up enough for a car. It was a little aged, but ran fine. That is, until a tire blew out, the engine stalled, and the battery died within one week. FML

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By no more flips - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

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By beleria - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. As I was leaning in to pick up some produce, someone viciously slapped me on the butt. I whirled around and nobody was anywhere in sight. Now I'm starting to worry that I'm losing my mind. FML

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By Hank Gummyworm - United States

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

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By chunkymonkey - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually held onto my love handles while we were having sex. He said they "made it easier." FML

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By ImOverHere - United States - Whitehouse

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML

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By traumatized - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML

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By Somessedup - United States

Today, my boss asked to use my phone since the company pays for it. A few hours later the same boss called me into his office to fire me. Apparently the company checks the phone records and found a call made on my cell to a sex line. My boss made that call and just fired me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - London

True romantic

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. During the act, he looked deep in to my eyes before whispering, "Up the arse next time?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nutley

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Gent

Today, I was verbally and physically attacked in a public pool, because I was swimming in what a grandma claimed was her part of the pool. Since I'm a very tolerant person, I calmly tried to talk some reason into the elderly lady. The lifeguard had to come to protect me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received my best compliment of the year so far when an ER doctor commented positively on the clarity of my urine sample. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating is heavily into a mystical card game and spends all of his money going to "Magic" card conventions across the country. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after my son graduated from nursing school which I, as a single parent, paid for with blood, sweat, and tears, during his grad party he was asked what his next step was. His response was, "Eh, I kinda realized I hate nursing." FML

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By goblue - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

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By McFizzy321 - United States - Merritt Island

Today, I went on a cruise. I gave my bags to a porter, and tipped him $5. Later that night, my bags still hadn't arrived at my room, and that's when I realized that I'd paid a fake porter to steal my bags. FML

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By bubblewrap - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML

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By Hotdamn - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

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By smurftastic - United States - Murrieta

Today, my company is doing so bad that I had to take down my symbolic first dollar so that I could buy a roll of crackers for dinner. FML

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By Ismellbacon - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Bend

Today, my mother bitched me out for filing divorce papers against my abusive husband. According to her, it's a "slap in God's face". She's the one who's divorced two husbands so far because they weren't getting job promotions fast enough to support her hoarding habit. FML

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By Raiders4ever - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By Anonymous

Hey Scratchy!

Today, I got a mosquito bite under each armpit. FML

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Top comments

By Ringmaster1 | 0

#323692 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:43

She was drunk, what were you expecting?

By EhLasalvadorena | 0

#324178 - Saturday 20 June 2009 19:14

not all latin american people are drunk and act stupid.

COMMENTS

By basketballbabee | 0

#323670 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:37

FIRST.
and wtf?

Reply

purplegee | 2

#1126489 - Friday 23 July 2010 3:22

at least she felt sorry!

By kaykay5833 | 0

#323690 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:43

shit. #1 beat me to it... 2nd ?

By Ringmaster1 | 0

#323692 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:43

She was drunk, what were you expecting?

Reply

ohmygodthisisuou | 0

#324014 - Saturday 20 June 2009 18:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#324123 - Saturday 20 June 2009 18:49

LOL

Reply

EhLasalvadorena | 0

#324178 - Saturday 20 June 2009 19:14

not all latin american people are drunk and act stupid.

Reply

mcpicklejar | 0

#324410 - Saturday 20 June 2009 20:31

thumbs up for that one buddy

By ForWhatItsWorth | 0

#323694 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:43

Shouldave just let her stay there. You'll probably never see her again anyway.
Agreed with nr 3 too. If you're getting yourself into something willingly, don't complain about it.

Reply

ddldave | 0

#324151 - Saturday 20 June 2009 19:03

Definitely agree, I would never drive someone like that home

Reply

jessicaclaire | 0

#324230 - Saturday 20 June 2009 19:36

So you would rather the drunk girl have driven herself home, then?

Reply

FBIWarning | 0

#324250 - Saturday 20 June 2009 19:46

yea instead you'd rather be a dick? good job

Reply

ForWhatItsWorth | 0

#327720 - Sunday 21 June 2009 22:54

He probably did it hoping she'd come on to him or something, how is that any better? The guy she was with shouldave done something about it.

By girandwogpig | 0

#323697 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:44

HAHA. Was she hot lol?

By vola97 | 0

#323704 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:46

wtf is wrong with you SICKO!!!!!!!

By Aelaena | 6

#323705 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:47

That was nice of you, at least she felt bad.

By VroomVroomVroom | 0

#323707 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:47

Aha. xD

By killuhb | 0

#323715 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:50

Wait is this only an fml cause you had to babysit and couldn't take advantage?

By wikifoo | 0

#323722 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

heavyt | 0

#2428367 - Friday 29 April 2011 8:30

ha