Health: Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a... - FML

By mikki bee - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Rich people problems

Miscommunication

By constipated

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

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By llord - United States

Today, I found out that my engagement ring was actually my husband's ex-fiancée's. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Nora

Today, I was walking back to my hotel from the town square, and got lost. I turned back and walked around town for an hour, freaking out and panicking. When I finally found the hotel, I realized it was practically a stone's throw from where I was when I turned around. FML

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By Darkandcold - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, my dad learned that it's possible to power a lightbulb with a potato. Since then, he's been going around the house removing all the plugs from the wall and plugging them into potatoes instead. He's absolutely baffled as to why it won't work. FML

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By swarm20 - United States - Mankato

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

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By hiker - United States

Today, my dad said that if I walked home from school, a distance of 8 miles, he would give me $50. Two hours and four massive blisters later, I come home. When I asked for my money, he said "I was kidding." FML

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By Jes

Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML

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By only my life - United States - Concord

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML

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By sammers27 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, a weird guy in pajama pants and a fake hair-hat kept standing by us at a concert. Everyone talked about what a creep he was. I would have too, but he was my dad. FML

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By melmel - United States - Cumming

Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By J-Ro - United States

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

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By anonymous - Ireland

Today, while in bed with my game obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at work, I came back from my break to find a child covered in mud. Turns out it wasn't mud. One of the other children had taken all of the poop out of their diaper and smeared it all over the floor, walls, and other children. The other teacher hadn't noticed, and I had to clean it all up. FML

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By Hunter cat

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

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By Anonymous

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

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By mistletoe - United States - Miami

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

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By Judy - United States - Altoona

Today, I was called into my 17-year-old son's high school. Why? Because it was Wednesday, also known as "Hump Day" and his friends managed to convince him that you're supposed to go around and hump people. FML

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By Nick - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

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By Yoshi - United States

Today, I was with the guy I am seeing and I were fooling around in my room. I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He said he didn't have time because he had to go play Mario Kart. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Americana

Today, I was at work, reading some funny stories on my phone. Just as one of my co-workers decided to share that his father had passed away recently, I burst into uncontrollable, teary-eyed laughter at a story. They don't believe my explanation, and have branded me the office asshole. FML

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By TwinDad - United States

Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML

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By Walmart Associate

Today, I was accused of being a racist whore at work. I had asked a man if he needed help finding anything, as that is part of my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

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By Elisabeth - 16/8/2020 17:01

Close shave

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. He went to get popcorn and I went to the bathroom. Thinking he had got back before me, I sat down next to him in the theater. I leaned in to kiss him, then realized it was some 70-year-oldish woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone left sticky notes with inspirational messages on everyone's locker. Well, almost everyone. My locker was the only one without a note. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the airport to catch a plane. It was very crowded at the gate and there was nowhere to sit except for a flat metal bench, so I sat on that. Turns out I was sitting on a luggage scale, so my weight was displayed for everybody to see. FML

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By staciedee - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be cute to try and pick me up while kissing, instead he tripped and slammed the back of my head on the corner of the wall. FML

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By News-print Face Kate - United Kingdom

Today, a man slapped me in the face with his newspaper because I didn't get out of his way fast enough at the train station. I guess he didn't notice I was on crutches. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

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By horribledriver - United States

Today, I was driving down a highway during rush-hour. I heard my phone ring and couldn't find it. I bent down to feel around for it and got in an accident and totaled my car. The ringing? A commercial on the radio. Where was my phone? On my dresser at home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a shower together for the first time. He was trying impress me and did some sort of dance move, he slipped, and when he fell he kicked my leg out causing me to fall and hit my face on the faucet. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 20:01

Long road ahead

Today, I came out to one of my best friends as non-binary, and told him (with their permission) that some of our friends were trans. He told us that we were all idiots and refuses to accept us. We've known him since 3rd grade. FML

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By kayin - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML

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By onlyme123

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

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By prettysmellingbedroom - United States

Today, I wanted to freshen up my room, so I bought some Febreze. Standing on my bed, I began to spray, not noticing that the air vent directly across was turned on. The spray came directly back at me. The doctor says that the irritation in my eyes may last for several days. FML

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By ohsugarxo - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

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Top comments

By BillMurray_fml | 12

#6158236 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:28

Maybe some sweet workers comp money will make you feel better?

By 3molliver3 | 16

#6158258 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:41

Cats live 15 years, dogs live 10, and horses live 20. Turtles live 150. Lesson learned.

COMMENTS

By Oliok | 19

#6158233 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:27

that's rough! I hope you get well soon, Break a leg next time op!

Reply

desoxyn242 | 14

#6158387 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 4:11

Fat people problems

By RageWolf16 | 31

#6158235 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:28

...How?

By BillMurray_fml | 12

#6158236 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:28

Maybe some sweet workers comp money will make you feel better?

Reply

AyOoDaLoBo33 | 10

#6158482 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 6:30

Haha I totally read that in Bill Murray's voice!

By Peacelove0404 | 26

#6158242 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:34

It's clearly a sign to rest your feet and watch some more Netflix ;D In all seriousness, that's rough. Get well soon OP!

By Cass_x | 22

#6158248 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:37

The universe is telling you to be lazy and to enjoy it

By blueblu97 | 16

#6158252 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:39

At least you got one last workout squeezed in before the accident!

By IAmzephyr | 22

#6158255 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:41

I smell lawsuit :)

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#6158283 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 1:02

They'll lose.

Reply

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6158395 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 4:25

I smell a retard

By people_annoy_me | 23

#6158257 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:41

That sucks, op! Until your foot gets better, try doing more arm exercises instead of running. Hope you get well soon!

Reply

Aew | 17

#6158276 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:53

Yes, try not to lose your momentum.

Reply

Misscreant | 7

#6158306 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 1:47

Yes, there is always abs and arms to work, even some floor legwork.

By 3molliver3 | 16

#6158258 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:41

Cats live 15 years, dogs live 10, and horses live 20. Turtles live 150. Lesson learned.

Reply

miianah1 | 22

#6158267 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:46

Don't dogs live longer than that?

Reply

Azang7 | 14

#6158271 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:48

Depends on the dog. Some can live 17+ years.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6158292 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 1:12

Bigger dogs tend not to live as long, being more prone to heart problems. My lab is 15 and still relatively healthy, although getting a little decrepit

Reply

uni_lobster | 7

#6158433 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 5:06

My cat is 17 years old

Reply

smeboo | 12

#6158578 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 8:50

I like this analogy!! :) Making it a goal to use this at some point in time!

By patrickalamo | 47

#6158259 - Wednesday 31 December 2014 0:42

There are so many ways to exercise.