Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a... - FML

By mikki bee - 30/12/2015 17:24 - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

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The best cat

White line fever

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 20:15 - Netherlands

Today, I called my boyfriend for a romantic night at home. I put on my hottest little dress, dimmed the lights, and put music on. My boyfriend stumbled in much later, drunk, and took one look at me before throwing up on my feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 06:19 - United States - New Castle

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

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By startingover - 18/7/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was at work in a lab. I spent all day growing a large bacterial culture. I went to retrieve it, only to find that someone had turned the incubation shaker up too high, and my flask had flown off and shattered. Not only did I lose all my work, but now the whole room is a biohazard. FML

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By Marie - 8/6/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work with my board of directors for a potential promotion. When one of them told a joke, I politely let out an amused snort. Then, I noticed my director's white shirt and tie covered in red splatter. I nose bled all over the director of my company. FML

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By FinanciallyF*ked - 21/11/2018 15:30

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

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By daisythebunny1988 - 21/3/2020 00:01

Cool

Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML

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By fuggers :/ - 24/11/2013 21:38 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

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By SkyDiver - 20/5/2011 07:46

Today, I tore up my airborne academy admission documents because my lab results weren't good enough. A few hours later, they called me to apologize for the misunderstanding, mine turned out to be perfect and they'd accepted me. They need me tomorrow with all the documents to finalize the admission. FML

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By BirthdayFail - 14/8/2012 07:57 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my birthday. Today is also the day my grandma died, six years ago. Since then, I get to sit through any sort of attempted celebration while my mom sobs and drinks herself into a stupor in the background. FML

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By lolk - 10/3/2013 07:41 - United States - Little Rock

Today, my boyfriend and I were on my bed when things started getting hot and it began to shake. My little sister called the entire family to the hall to listen to "the frogs in the wall". FML

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By arrestedgun - 23/5/2009 07:37 - Canada

Today, I went to a dollar store with a couple friends to buy cap guns to play with. We were having a lot of fun with them, and took them onto a bus. 5 minutes later, three cops got on, handcuffed us, and sternly talked to us about the dangers of guns. We got arrested for toy guns. We are 17. FML

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By why - 14/3/2014 23:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was tanning nude in my backyard, when I took a picture of our dog lying in the grass and sent it to my dad. It was only after I looked at the picture indoors that I realized my nipple had made it into the picture too. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, a repairman woke me up so he could change the filter in my furnace. This would have been fine, except he didn't wake me up until he was already in my room, where I was sleeping naked. FML

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By PinkTornado - 17/3/2009 14:20 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. After three long weeks of him ignoring me and cancelling out on time we were supposed to spend with each other. He looked at me with the most confused look on his face. Then he says ''Are you serious? I was planning the perfect day to ask you to marry me'' FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2016 03:48 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

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By HellaBomber91 - 20/11/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

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By SadGuy - 26/4/2011 06:18 - United Kingdom

Today, the ex-girlfriend I'm still in love with sent me an old picture with the caption, "I miss us." She looked beautiful and happy. Too bad I'm not the guy she's kissing in the picture. FML

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By boogerbrain - 9/12/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding pictures I had just ordered and I tried to flick something off one of the pictures, but it wouldn't come off. In a panic I quickly looked through all of my pictures and realized that I had a booger sticking out of my nose. No one told me. FML

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By biggirlsdocry - 6/3/2012 13:56 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend, and he pretended he was a Burger King employee who found a lost phone, just so that he wouldn't have to talk to me. FML

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By anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:27

Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML

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By crashingdown - 29/5/2010 05:28 - Australia

Today, I had a weird dream I woke up on the bathroom floor at my local gym. Turns out it wasn't a dream, and I passed out from "overworking myself". I was on the treadmill for under 5 minutes, walking. FML

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By Arden - 3/2/2019 20:00

Today, my dog peed on my bed because my parents were presumably having sex and I was too scared to go downstairs and take her out because of it. FML

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By julesmommy - 8/9/2011 05:36 - United States

Today, my husband used our last $2000 to buy himself a motorcycle. It's supposed to "save us a lot on gas money." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 01:51 - Australia

Today, I found out that since no other procedures are working, I was required to stop eating, and drink a bunch of foul tasting 'goo', which will in turn give me constant diarrhea. This will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum. FML

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By crap - 2/7/2019 00:01

Today, I was tired from an all-nighter I'd pulled because I thought I had the next four days off work. I got called in, and went because I have bills to pay. However, the amount of energy drinks I drank to stay on top of my job duties gave me such bad diarrhea, I had to go home. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2015 11:28 - United States - Manhattan Beach

Today, I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. Now she's threatening to kill herself if I don't forgive her. FML

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By ShortTermMemoryFailure - 1/11/2018 08:00 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I discovered that I once again forgot my credit card in the vending machine at work. This is the second time in a week that this happened, and now 6 coworkers have bought drinks with my card since I lost it. I have no way of making it back to work for a week. FML

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By Nucleus - 8/10/2015 13:48 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

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By Tallulah - 29/7/2011 06:56 - United Kingdom

Today, after eating out with my boyfriend, we went for a drive, but ended up getting into an argument. I reached back to grab my bag and storm out of the car. He thought I was trying to take the restaurant's doggy bag and lunged at me. My boyfriend would rather save chicken than our relationship. FML

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By Kassiopia - 14/11/2009 12:35 - United States

Today, my Dad decided to take his medicine before eating. He passed out with his face in a plate of chocolate cake. He wasn't responsive so I called the paramedics. When he got to the hospital, the doctor asked him if he knew why he was there. He replied, "Because my stupid daughter over reacted." FML

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By clumsyandpoor - 3/12/2014 04:05 - United States - Watertown

Today, I was short on money for bills, so I pulled out my alto saxophone, knowing that no matter how much I loved it, I'd be able pay my rent with the money. As I pulled it out of its case, the neck strap broke and I dropped it, breaking the bell beyond repair. Now I'm poor AND depressed. FML

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By brittbrat4 - 13/8/2011 06:51 - United States

Today, I was teasing my 12 year old little cousin about him liking my best friend. I guess it made him mad because he yelled "Breast cancer!" at the top of his lungs before power-punching my right boob. FML

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By Bucko321 - 30/3/2009 01:18 - Canada

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were feeling a little naughty, so we started talking dirty. I was really into describing a sweaty sex scene, when I heard my dad cough. He had picked up the phone to make a call and had heard it all. FML

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By accountingclown - 21/1/2017 00:23

Today, I travelled cross-country to interview for my dream job. The team seemed to love me and I had a lot of fun. In the airport on the way home I saw a news report that the company is closing. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 16:37 - Australia - Lane Cove

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

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By funyfunkid - 22/12/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over me and the wall. FML

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By hoaloha - 30/7/2012 04:40 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

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By dead - 9/3/2010 00:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 14:10

Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML

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By Inconnu - 18/6/2011 05:13 - France

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

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Top comments

By BillMurray_fml | 12

#6158236 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:28

Maybe some sweet workers comp money will make you feel better?

By 3molliver3 | 16

#6158258 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:41

Cats live 15 years, dogs live 10, and horses live 20. Turtles live 150. Lesson learned.

Comments

By Oliok | 19

#6158233 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:27

that's rough! I hope you get well soon, Break a leg next time op!

Reply

desoxyn242 | 14

#6158387 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 4:11

Fat people problems

By RageWolf16 | 31

#6158235 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:28

...How?

By BillMurray_fml | 12

#6158236 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:28

Maybe some sweet workers comp money will make you feel better?

Reply

AyOoDaLoBo33 | 10

#6158482 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 6:30

Haha I totally read that in Bill Murray's voice!

By Peacelove0404 | 26

#6158242 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:34

It's clearly a sign to rest your feet and watch some more Netflix ;D In all seriousness, that's rough. Get well soon OP!

By Cass_x | 22

#6158248 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:37

The universe is telling you to be lazy and to enjoy it

By blueblu97 | 16

#6158252 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:39

At least you got one last workout squeezed in before the accident!

By IAmzephyr | 22

#6158255 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:41

I smell lawsuit :)

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#6158283 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 1:02

They'll lose.

Reply

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6158395 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 4:25

I smell a retard

By people_annoy_me | 23

#6158257 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:41

That sucks, op! Until your foot gets better, try doing more arm exercises instead of running. Hope you get well soon!

Reply

Aew | 17

#6158276 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:53

Yes, try not to lose your momentum.

Reply

Misscreant | 7

#6158306 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 1:47

Yes, there is always abs and arms to work, even some floor legwork.

By 3molliver3 | 16

#6158258 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:41

Cats live 15 years, dogs live 10, and horses live 20. Turtles live 150. Lesson learned.

Reply

miianah1 | 22

#6158267 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:46

Don't dogs live longer than that?

Reply

Azang7 | 14

#6158271 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:48

Depends on the dog. Some can live 17+ years.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6158292 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 1:12

Bigger dogs tend not to live as long, being more prone to heart problems. My lab is 15 and still relatively healthy, although getting a little decrepit

Reply

uni_lobster | 7

#6158433 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 5:06

My cat is 17 years old

Reply

smeboo | 12

#6158578 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 8:50

I like this analogy!! :) Making it a goal to use this at some point in time!

By patrickalamo | 47

#6158259 - Wednesday 31 December 2015 0:42

There are so many ways to exercise.