Miscellaneous: Today, after meeting my girlfriend's family and trying my hardest...

By oreoblizzard619 - United States

Today, after meeting my girlfriend's family and trying my hardest to impress them, she told me that they came up with a nickname for me. My new name is "Matt the Doormat." FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

They're everywhere

Get the message, dude

By skrewedguy - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me. Knowing that I am a germaphobe, she took all of my cleaning supplies and spread mud and trash everywhere. FML

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By swedishdude - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

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By lyssthemiss - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to buy groceries while suffering horrible morning sickness. My nausea magnified as I stood in line behind an obese lady wearing a tank top and tiny short shorts. I lost everything in my stomach when she stuck her hand down her shorts and started scratching at her ass-crack. FML

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By Catsfordays - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I went on a date with someone I considered a real catch, my potential soulmate even. He ended up telling me about his fetish for "female smells", sang loudly in Italian in a crowded restaurant, and ate most of the food on my plate. Man, fuck dating. FML

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By pledonasm - India - Thane

Today, I took my son to the playground and watched him have fun. Minutes later, I was being shoved around and called a pedophile because I was there alone with no wife. By the time I convinced them I was innocent, my son was bawling. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 09:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Get it out!

Today, I paid movers $125 to move a couch into my house that's much too large for the space. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date for the first time in months. Over dessert, my date told a joke, and I tittered vigorously, causing me to choke and throw up all over my date. FML

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By nickyboy - Australia

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking down the hall of my old school, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Behind the faculty parking lot where I parked my truck, two students were having sex on my tailgate. FML

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By NoorFML - United States

Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML

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By - France

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

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By ... - United States - Clermont

Today, I arrived at work, only to find my computer's massive CRT monitor had been smashed up beyond belief. Everyone else has flat-screen monitors, and I'd made no secret of how unfair it is to me. According to my boss, this makes me the obvious culprit, and now I'm suspended. FML

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By IronFoot - Canada

Today, while on the roof of my friend's house, I took a shortcut down by jumping onto the roof of his nearby shed. Not only did I go right through it and hurt my arm, I've also received several calls from my friend's dad, demanding I pay for the damage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my two year old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

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By Edgarillo - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, my hairdresser apologised because he couldn't distinguish the hair from the back of my head from the hair from my back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elkhart

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

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By costcocondoms - Mexico

Today, I was shopping at COSTCO for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me I heard somebody say "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML

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By jules - United States

Today, I was in the supermarket and I see this little boy trying to reach for something on the top shelf. I go over to him and ask if his mom knows where he is. The boy turns around. He was actually a very angry midget. FML

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By neverdateaclosetcase - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

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By Jillian Drute - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

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By Bonnie and Clyde - United States - Humble

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

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By lene - United States

Today, the 9th grade dean called me into his office to talk. He asked me if I was new because it seemed like I was having trouble making friends. I've been going to the same school, with the same people, since kindergarten. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

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By butisavedyourkid - United States

Today, I rescued a little boy who looked like he was drowning in a public pool. His mother then smacked me in the face for "touching him". FML

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By depressedskatergirl - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I had a big figure skating competition. Many of the girls before me fell or did not execute their jumps correctly. Me? I skated a flawless program. I was placed last because they said I didn't push myself hard enough to the point of falling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well. I decided to bring my laptop with me to the bathroom, because I figured I would be in there for a while. Things were going great, until I felt a burp coming. Next thing I know, my computer is covered with puke. FML

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By rent-a-cop - Canada - Toronto

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

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By izzie - Canada

Today, I had sex for the first time in months. His apology took longer than the sex did. FML

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By burned

Today, I found out that my 4-year-old son is truly convinced that I am a ghost. He also thinks that I died from burning, "because of your face". FML

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By VladyBoi - United States

Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML

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By BluesMan1990 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blairstown

Today, someone photoshopped my head onto some nude girl's body and spread it around at school. It was shockingly convincing. Now everyone's calling me a slut, and the worst part is I have no idea which photo the person used or where they got it from, so I can't prove it's a fake. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, without thinking, I casually advised my mum that the best way to get the piping nozzle clean is to 'fingerfuck' it. FML

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By vixenscars - United States

Today, I slipped on a banana peel in a store parking lot as I was getting out of my car. I landed on my ass. The cops that were parking behind me later informed me that I would be able to see the video on youtube. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

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By ouch. - United States - Stamford

Today, I was washing the dishes when I gave myself a nasty gash on my leg from the open dishwasher door. After five minutes of cleaning up the blood and wrapping it up, I came back to finish the job only to drop a plate and send broken shards into my foot. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to the gym to run. I ended up at the hospital because i went into anaphylactic shock. Apparently I'm allergic to exercise now. FML

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By loserface - United States

Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML

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By Marine - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend of over a year a text message telling him how much I loved him, how perfect he is for me and what I love about him. He sent me back a text saying, "I thought you had class." FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#4971196 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:30

I'd call you Neither Noor, and you could call me Either Ore.

By TheMaster15 | 10

#4971272 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 17:17

My first name is Forrest, I'm sure you can all guess what my last name usually gets to be haha

COMMENTS

By xCrazyMexican | 4

#4971102 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:03

Lol

By cliffibom | 15

#4971109 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:05

Cliff the hanger
Mine is lame :(

By duckyeah | 6

#4971111 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:06

Don't let that get to you! Strike back with a sense of humor :)

By gc327072 | 29

#4971116 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:07

Leggo my Gallegos (last name)

By xCrazyMexican | 4

#4971120 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:08

It's ok my nickname is goober :/

FMLKitten | 15

#4971300 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 17:38

Is your first name Goofy?

By feldco1 | 17

#4971122 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:08

Don't worry about it much. It probably meant tons to your gf that you made the effort to meet them.

biggestfan23 | 11

#4971228 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:56

No it means his GF wears the pants in the relationship

By NothernNightmare | 18

#4971124 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:09

It's so hard to impress your girlfriend/boyfriend's family perfectly. Just laugh it off and go along with it. I'm sure there are much worse nicknames.... My ex boyfriend's uncle used to call me Chrissy The Sissy.....

By perdix | 29

#4971126 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:09

Grow a pair!

No one likes a yes-man, . . . except me, of course, Danny*.

*I know it's not the exact Caddyshack quote.

By DocBastard | 38

#4971128 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:10

You misunderstand them. They aren't calling you that because you're a pathetic loser that they can walk all over. It's because you like to stand at the door and greet people and make sure that their shoes are clean.

Trust me, it's not the "pathetic loser" thing. I promise.

SenselessPattern | 12

#4971602 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 21:30

Well, as long as you pinky promise, I trust you.

By TBelle4Ever | 15

#4971130 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 16:10

Tori Story