By unKnown621 - 18/6/2021 11:01 - United States - Saint Louis

The Ex

Today, my (now ex) boyfriend and I had a fight, during which he said, "This is why I talk to other girls." I called him out for admitting to cheating and he told me I was toxic. FML

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Own it

There's no helping some people

Commando

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 23:01

That's a new one!

Today, I found out that the guy I was talking to for over a year, who told me he was dying from Covid, is perfectly fine and he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. FML

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By Shoofly - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

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By Jenny - United States - Anchorage

Today, I discovered the importance of having sex before marriage. We found out that my husband is gay on our wedding night. FML

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By teepee - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in a lecture. I laughed at something amusing in Dreamworld, but the laugh came out as a prolonged creepy groan in Lectureworld. I woke up to see everyone within a 5 meter radius staring at me. FML

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By hkbaer - United States

Nice try

Today, my dad tried to charge me $3000 for a car that my dead grandma, his mother, left to me in her will. I have to live with this asshole. FML

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By mcfatty - India - Bangalore

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

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By nicki - United States

Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML

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By zenithbelana - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

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By xswitch74 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious customer, who for ten minutes blamed the incident of shifting weather patterns that signaled the return of Jesus, who was as she explained, upset about the abortion rates in America and President Obama. FML

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By Jessie - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML

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By dontrapeme - United States

Today, while at the gym, a very large man walked over to me and said, "I like wearing all orange to the gym." Not wanting to be rude, I asked why. He looks me up and down and said, "It reminds me of prison." I think I'm going to be jumped. FML

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By disgustedgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

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By Emily - United States

Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML

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By chubbyreddevil - United States

Today, at work, a customer threatened to punch me in the face because the store I work at doesn't have shopping baskets, only carts. FML

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By SINGLE - Australia

Today, I planned my own wedding down to the very last detail, including favours for my guests, the sweets buffet and the bouquet of flower brooches I want. Too bad I'm still single. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cannock

Today, thanks to the unholy power of autocorrect, I told my mother-in-law that "crispy dick" is on the menu tonight. FML

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By Kolkata - Canada

Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML

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By no paedo - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

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By anon - United States - Elkhart

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

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By VeeDubDisaster - United States

Today, I went to start my just bought '79 VW bus. I put my key in but stopped due to the strong gasoline smell. I went to check. Found puddle of gas. The previous owner figured duct taping a cracked tank was the same as fixing it. And didn't bother to share that tidbit with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elko

Today, my boss yet again said she was "literally dying", after she watched a funny video online. Long story short, I'm now on her shitlist because I couldn't help but point out that she clearly wasn't dying, and that her ranting was distracting me from doing actual work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she felt that her puppy was lonely while we dated. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend. We've gone on dates and have slept in the same bed, but it turns out she thought I was her gay best friend and was planning to introduce me to her boyfriend's brother. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Bad women's anatomy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

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By oxbonxo - Australia

Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML

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By magicalDEATH - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

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By Stupendous_ - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in the bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML

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By Ohgodhelpme

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML

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By scaredofbozo

Today, I woke up screaming after a nightmare about clowns, which wouldn't be too bad if I hadn't been surrounded by coworkers. FML

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By why... - United States - East Orange

Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

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By Teh_Moo_fml - 13/3/2021 00:30

Ouch, ouch, ouch

Today, I learned that you can actually sprain your groin for real. It hurts. FML

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By babygurl69 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

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By Crochocinco85 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was walking through the main lobby at school and I saw someone waving at me, so I waved back. Turns out she was just cleaning a glass door. I heard laughter behind me. FML

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By but why

Today, when it started raining, I remembered that I'd left my kitchen windows open. I hurried to close them, but slipped in a huge puddle and slid into the wall, making a huge hole in it with my knee. FML

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Top comments

By silverneurotic | 4

#8002213 - Friday 18 June 2021 19:37

Drop his ass.

By Brightside86 | 25

#8002192 - Friday 18 June 2021 18:37

I cheat on you, because you won't let me cheat on you...

COMMENTS

By Brightside86 | 25

#8002192 - Friday 18 June 2021 18:37

I cheat on you, because you won't let me cheat on you...

By silverneurotic | 4

#8002213 - Friday 18 June 2021 19:37

Drop his ass.

By Lord_Hades | 11

#8002226 - Friday 18 June 2021 20:38

Did I miss something. Talking is not cheating. If you think it is maybe that’s the problem.

Reply

chelseasdead | 4

#8002417 - Saturday 19 June 2021 18:40

Wow. Douche bag.

By chelseasdead | 4

#8002416 - Saturday 19 June 2021 18:39

Fuck that guy. You deserve better.