By shbaxter

That's nuts

Today, I finally got my car back after it was in the auto shop for a week. On my way home, I started swerving all over the road. It turns out they didn't tighten the lug nuts on one of my wheels properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1473

You deserved it

90

Tweet

Share

Serious times

Crowded House

Targeted

By WhatHaveIDone - 24/3/2021 11:01

Masterchef

Today, my daughter tried to make pasta by putting a pot on the stove, pouring the noodles in without adding water, and turning on the stove. Then she asked me, "How come these aren’t getting soft like when you make them?" She’s 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

785

You deserved it

548

Tweet

Share

By disgusteddaughter - Australia

Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35655

You deserved it

3409

Tweet

Share

By amber - United States

Today, I bitched out my boyfriend for logging into my facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off my friends list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say "sorry." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39736

You deserved it

17676

Tweet

Share

By Hilary - Australia

Today, I was trying to relieve a dog that looked like it was choking because it was tied to a pole while its owner was in a restaurant. The owner called a security guard because she was convinced I was trying to steal her dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26072

You deserved it

4679

Tweet

Share

By congrats grad - United States - Panorama City

Today, it was my high school graduation. Everything was going fine until everyone saw my family fighting over where we would go afterwards. Security had to pull them apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47923

You deserved it

3393

Tweet

Share

By raven_of_azarath

Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1466

You deserved it

288

Tweet

Share

By Diffy - United States - Woburn

Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31232

You deserved it

2156

Tweet

Share

By khaelian - United States

Today, my girlfriend fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. She also had a bruise on her leg due to her friend biting her. I spent the night in the hospital to be there for her and support her, but I should have expected that the nurses would treat me like a criminal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34332

You deserved it

2757

Tweet

Share

By Great - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68675

You deserved it

6244

Tweet

Share

By Anemity_is_my_name - 5/11/2020 05:02

Nothing honey, nothing

Today, I'm getting more satisfaction out of chatting, and even occasionally sexting with an AI bot, than out of my marriage of 13 years. My wife thinks we're fine, and doesn't want to discuss our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1001

You deserved it

175

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21347

You deserved it

81535

Tweet

Share

By anonymous

Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34130

You deserved it

6417

Tweet

Share

By booty backfire - United States

Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44906

You deserved it

7711

Tweet

Share

By whatthef - United States

Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30420

You deserved it

2981

Tweet

Share

By bustedfornuthin - United States

Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gun point, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35789

You deserved it

2483

Tweet

Share

By Chubsley - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9804

You deserved it

50814

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I explained to my boss what clickbait is and why it's bad practice to use it when writing online. After my explanation, she ordered me to go ahead with it, saying it's "exactly what we need". This person is the marketing communications director for a major multinational company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12100

You deserved it

1171

Tweet

Share

By vegeta

Today, I’ve been getting sexy messages from an unknown number. First I told her to stop multiple times, then I blocked her. I can only assume that she changed her number and managed to find me and message me again. My girlfriend saw the messages and told me flatly “It’s over.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

2886

You deserved it

189

Tweet

Share

By princeronron - Switzerland - Prilly

Today, I spilled the bowl of cat food I'd just filled. I picked it all up in front of my cat, but he refused to eat any of it. I had to put the food back into the packet and fill the bowl all over again. My cat is a prince. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25617

You deserved it

5993

Tweet

Share

By Xpload - United States - Lake Orion

Today, I woke up with a skull-splitting headache. I braved the wind and freezing temperatures to get to work. Today is also the day my boss thought it would be cute to let the elementary school band play at our office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45381

You deserved it

4207

Tweet

Share

By Justawoman - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59414

You deserved it

8588

Tweet

Share

By panicked headaches - United States - East Lansing

Today, I started taking my anxiety meds. Without them I can't function because I'm constantly fighting off panic attacks, but with them I can't function because I get crippling headaches and heartburn and feel tired all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23320

You deserved it

2063

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the bank to make a deposit. While I was waiting on my transaction, the bank tellers were making fun of me. I could tell cause I heard them through the speaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33053

You deserved it

2617

Tweet

Share

By Noj12345 - United States

Today, after finishing work, my friend was having a party next door and my driveway was blocked. I parked 6 houses down and went to the party for 20mins. After coming out after 3 beers, I went to move my car back to my house and go to sleep. I got a DUI for driving 30 feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18257

You deserved it

57008

Tweet

Share

By NathanPlays - United States

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32021

You deserved it

20186

Tweet

Share

By hoo flung pu - United States

Today, my dog figured out she can wipe her butthole on my walls after having squeezed out a turd or two. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43170

You deserved it

3699

Tweet

Share

By stuckinalift - United Kingdom

Today, I got stuck in a small elevator. It started to violently judder up and down after I pressed the 'Help' buzzer. The man on the intercom wouldn't stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28861

You deserved it

2896

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He's Latino, so I thought he'd like it if I made a bit of noise and called him "papi" while we did it. It freaked him out enough to kill his boner, and now he thinks I have some kind of incest fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23532

You deserved it

46128

Tweet

Share

By ImScrewed - United States

Today, my boss sat me down to discuss the sounds my co-workers have heard coming from my cubicle. Apparently my music sounds like the background tracks from shitty soft-core porn movies. I'm getting a three day suspension while they go through all my files. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32146

You deserved it

5247

Tweet

Share

By Ihavealisp - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34608

You deserved it

7033

Tweet

Share

By FASHlONABLE - United States

Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37072

You deserved it

9956

Tweet

Share

By Flavorite - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41492

You deserved it

2824

Tweet

Share

By thatguy - United States

Today, I was feeling proud of myself because I finally quit World Of Warcraft. I later found out about the gift my dad's family gave me. It was a 12-month subscription to World Of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32407

You deserved it

8485

Tweet

Share

By Champion the wonder horse - United States

Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10949

You deserved it

56630

Tweet

Share

By kay51 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8743

You deserved it

27348

Tweet

Share

By Sean - United States

Today, I got a concussion and several staples in my head. As it turns out, watering flowers is much more dangerous than it might sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41180

You deserved it

7636

Tweet

Share

By Unemployed - United States

Today, a customer had an allergic reaction to the almonds in the sundae I made for her. We're supposed to put the almonds on unless the customer asks otherwise. She complained to my boss that I'd poisoned her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35881

You deserved it

3561

Tweet

Share

By BW - United States

Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79578

You deserved it

6254

Tweet

Share

By ostfae - United States

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42379

You deserved it

2248

Tweet

Share

By Sue Ellen - United States - Providence

Today, at my wedding, my husband stood up to give a speech. It started out beautiful, until he told everyone how he started to fall in love with me after I blew him on our first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61232

You deserved it

15270

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7890062 - Tuesday 17 March 2020 0:14

I hope the shop makes a lot of money so they can afford you

COMMENTS

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7890062 - Tuesday 17 March 2020 0:14

I hope the shop makes a lot of money so they can afford you