By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 05:01

Tasty

Today, despite having the choice of several bowls of clean water in the house, as well as puddles and ponds outside, my cat was drinking out of a pot I was soaking in the sink. She doesn’t seem to mind the taste of dish soap. FML

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Animals

Cats

Season finale

Taking stock

You BARBARIAN!

By Aberrombie Blue - United States - Durham

Today, I was at my little girl's concert. She plays the clarinet, and in the middle of her solo, her phone started ringing. She decided to stop, check her phone, and continue playing. FML

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47794

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By Anonymous - United States - Irvine

Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw a couple of cute boys. I made eye contact with the cutest one. Flustered, I giggled, only to send a wad of snot flying out of my nose. FML

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46832

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By Agax - United States - Riverside

Today, I was playing soccer when a player kicked the ball at my crotch. In pain, I kneeled down. The referee came up to me and whispered, "The smaller they are, the more it hurts." FML

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46520

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By Too manly - United States - Stockton

Today, as I was walking with my boyfriend, holding hands, a woman began screaming at us about how we "f*ggots" are "ruining America." I'm a girl. FML

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42431

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4517

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By str3tch - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

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61735

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By fuckina - United States

Today, I was speeding a little on the highway. I thought I saw a police car, so I slammed on my brakes, causing the person behind me to rear end me. The "police car" I saw was just a broken down car on the side of the road. FML

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6871

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By sigh - Singapore - Singapore

Lovely parents

Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

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2201

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168

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By insignificant - United States

Today, I was getting on a bus, the driver shut the door on me while I was half way inside. Instead of apologizing to me, he criticized me for getting in the way. FML

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32848

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 14:02

Party in my underpants!

Today, you could think I was hosting a festival. Main event: Aunt Flow & The Zits. Preceded by: Mopey & the Munchies. After Party with: The Bloats and The Farts. Whoever hasn’t left by then will have to see The Bloody Underpants. FML

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1141

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310

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By Anonymous - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, I woke up to my drunk great grandfather peeing on my cat and thinking it was absolutely hysterical. This isn't the first time and he just moved in with me for the next six weeks. FML

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24562

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, after saving up my money for weeks, I went to see my favorite artist in concert with my friends. Two songs in, I passed out, hit my head, and had to have someone drive me home. FML

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29859

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By st00pid - Canada

Today, I found out that if you see a picture in your boss's office of a extremely good looking, big breasted woman kissing him on the cheek, not to comment. Because that extremely good looking, big breasted woman, just might be his daughter. FML

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12563

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By strangeprincess

RIP, Moggie

Today, I had to put my cat to sleep after she was in an accident. While I was crying hysterically, the vet asked me for $230. FML

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1750

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270

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By emilyxoxoxo - United States

Today, my friend and I thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML

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55539

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By mclovin09 - United States

Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML

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40982

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By Anonymous - France - Belloy-en-france

Today, dressed in my sexiest nightie, I asked my boyfriend in the most sensual voice possible what he'd like me do to for him tonight. His eyed widened, he started clapping wildly and then shrieked, "SPAGHETTI CARBONARA!" FML

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28805

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By Imdeadlmaokillme - United Kingdom - Twickenham

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

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11734

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By Anonyme - France - Saint-di

Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML

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45803

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By heymacie - United States - Lubbock

Today, I was at a family gathering with my boyfriend. Jokingly, my grandmother swatted my butt to get me to move. Out of habit, I moaned quite loudly. FML

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21928

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By scardeycat13 - United States

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared I passed out. I was only on the kiddy hill. FML

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24179

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By annoyed - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

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30446

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Considerate boyfriend

Today, I had to eat up a few specks of toilet paper to avoid spoiling "the moment" with my girlfriend. FML

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70661

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I was ordering a pizza over the phone. When the guy asked for my order, I yelled "Hey, you guys wanted pepperoni, right?" In reality, I was yelling this to my cat. College hasn't made me many friends so far. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML

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38797

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By icandothecancan - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

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46528

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By fucking fuck it fucking hurts - United States

Today, after nearly a week of awful pain in my right lung, I finally went to see a doctor about it. When I mentioned my history of lung problems and suggested it could be pneumonia, he told me to "leave the diagnosing to the professionals" and ended up claiming I have acid reflux. FML

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28547

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6160

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By maya - 29/3/2021 20:01

Worst workplace ever

Today, while I was wearing a blue coat, a coworker asked me what color my coat was. Confused, I said, “...blue?” He and my other coworkers burst out screaming with laughter. Turns out he didn’t say ‘coat’ but ‘poop’. I work with a bunch of five year-olds. FML

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751

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By what did I raise?! - 19/3/2021 06:01 - United States

Daddy's little girl

Today, my daughter asked to use my phone to find hers. Instead, she sent multiple messages to my boyfriend, trying to break up with him. When asked why she did it, she said it’s because she wants me to get back with her father. This would be somewhat understandable if she wasn’t 32 years-old. FML

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1189

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101

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By slugitha - United States

Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML

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19330

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1829

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By Harejordan - United States

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

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20087

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

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55091

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By Thongy - Canada

Cultural differences

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? My Australian friend sent me a message saying I'd left my thongs at his house. My boyfriend still refuses to believe that they call flip-flops thongs in Australia. FML

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1952

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537

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 23:00

Zoomed out

Today, I had a low blood sugar attack and almost passed out during class while over Zoom, which my professor then decided to bring attention to by calling me out for "sighing" about the research paper. FML

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1523

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143

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By Extended_desktop - Poland

Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

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15527

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65685

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By can you read? - United States

Today, I got a ticket for driving without insurance. I gave the cop my insurance information, but he said it was invalid because it didn't show an expiration date. When I pointed out the information he was looking for, he ignored me and gave me a ticket anyway. FML

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25924

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By whatthef - United States

Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

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30419

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By Anonymous - United States - Medina

Today, my son paid the price for emulating his idols, aka the sub-human scum on Jersey Shore. He called me from jail and actually had the balls to try to guilt me into bailing him out, after he'd been arrested for punching his girlfriend at a liquor store. FML

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36461

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By Mixta - France - Roubaix

Today, my best friend showed me his New Year's Eve photos. Girls everywhere, booze flowing all over the place and all my friends were there. They still haven't realised that they didn't invite me. We've been friends for seven years. FML

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41401

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By poormomma

Shame! Shaaaame!

Today, I found out my son kept quiet about having head lice for a week. He's 14. FML

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1547

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By Anonymous

recoils in horror

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

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Top comments

By EVR | 8

#7960687 - Monday 28 December 2020 20:46

Cats are fucking dicks.

By JasonThorn | 18

#7960688 - Monday 28 December 2020 20:48

If she's anything like my cat, she must like it so much she's willing to enjoy it TWICE.

COMMENTS

By EVR | 8

#7960687 - Monday 28 December 2020 20:46

Cats are fucking dicks.

By JasonThorn | 18

#7960688 - Monday 28 December 2020 20:48

If she's anything like my cat, she must like it so much she's willing to enjoy it TWICE.

By cacheson | 41

#7970065 - Monday 8 February 2021 5:40

My cat did this and made herself very sick - to the point she had to be on meds for several weeks. I can’t soak dishes in the sink anymore because she will keep doing it.

Tasty

Lovely parents

Party in my underpants!

RIP, Moggie

Considerate boyfriend

Worst workplace ever

Daddy's little girl

Cultural differences

Zoomed out

Shame! Shaaaame!

*recoils in horror*

recoils in horror