By peppergirl

Sewing project

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

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QAnon weirdoes

Facts over feelings

Whackjobs 'R Us

By nothealthy - United States - Minneapolis

Thanks for your concern

Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to my dad about joining the military. He got up, laughed, and said, "As if the army would accept a pussy like you." FML

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By blegh - Switzerland

Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next. FML

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By Jesse - United States - Bothell

Today, I had to get a prostate exam. Right before the doctor started, he told me that if I found it awkward at all, I should just imagine I was being probed by aliens. FML

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By Fat Arsed Lass - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, while laying on the couch my cat came and laid on me. Turns out my ass is big enough for my 13 year old cat to walk around in circles, wash itself, stretch and sleep. FML

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By rs - Egypt

Today, after watching Hulk with my friends, we spent a good half hour discussing exactly how enlarged Bruce Banner's package would be in his Hulk state. I couldn't hide my excitement, and now my friends won't stop teasing me. FML

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By no touching - Australia - Blacktown

Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML

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By ENDmySUFFERING - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

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By mr. machine - United States

Today, my 19-year-old daughter got a haircut. When I asked her if she tipped the hairdresser, she looked at me in horror and asked, "You’re supposed to tip hairdressers?" FML

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By :| - New Zealand - Nelson

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

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By fmmmmlll - United States

Today, my boyfriend brought up the time he said he'd love me until the day he died. He continued by saying, "So, let's just pretend I died today." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister saying "Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won't ever happen again!" Today's my birthday. FML

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By poisonhand - United States

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went outside for a cigarette since I don't like smoking in the house. When I was done, I stomped it out. I wasn't wearing shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

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By dinosaur - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex in the same bed my dog pooped in because we were both too polite to ask the other person why they smelt like shit. FML

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By Jenny - United States

Today, for our 8 month anniversary, my boyfriend bought me a hideous necklace with ugly charms hanging off it. I wore it anyway and got a rash from it on the side of my neck. After seeing the rash my boyfriend accused me of having a hickey from another guy and broke up with me. FML

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By canessadawn - United States - Portland

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML

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By babybreath - United States

Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML

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By geek - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML

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By ElixirRose - United States

Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML

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By charlieday - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked if she should get birthcontrol, of course I said yes and offered to pay the 55 dollar fee. She got her physical and pills and then dumped me the next day. I basically paid 55 dollars so that she can sleep with other people. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, the girl who tormented my life for nine years was hired at my part-time job. We're assigned to work together on a three-month-long project which will involve tons of communication. FML

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By trigfail - New Zealand

Today, I failed my trigonometry exam because my scientific calculator was on the wrong setting. FML

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By disturbedgd - South Africa

Today, after years of listening to my coworker complaining about everything in her life, including her job, I finally stood up to her and bitched at her for complaining and not doing anything about it. She went to my boss, and now it's in my job description to listen to her when she complains. FML

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By neveragain89 - Australia

Today, I had shelves installed using a builder who came highly recommended by my co-worker. Turns out the builder is her friend, who has no actual qualifications or experience as a builder, but 'it's his dream'. I now have a gaping hole in my kitchen where the shelves should be. FML

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By crash - United States

Today, I went dirtbiking. While I was going down a hill, I spun out of control and flipped over my handle bars. I now have a sprained arm, multiple bruises and a crescent-shaped gash on my neck that looks like I was bitten. People are asking if my boyfriend and I were being frisky last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being yelled at by our boss because the office computer server has yet another virus, my co-worker and I did a bit of investigating. Apparently, the viruses aren't coming from client emails as we previously assumed. It seems that the problem is really our boss's porn addiction. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

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By sleepylillion - United States - Eleele

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

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By awkwardballer

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

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By aliqi - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

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By tattooed - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML

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By nomorexbox - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father sent me a text message that simply stated "You ruined my relationship with my daughter." I wanted to ask him for his blessing to marry his daughter. FML

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By horny and alone

Today, I went home with my cute coworker. What started out as a little dirty talk and teasing ended with him admitting he was in a terrible emotional place and sending me home in an Uber so he could sleep. FML

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By Anonymous

Mind your own business

Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, my class went to Berlin. At the subway station, our teacher told us to get on the next train. I was the first one to get on and the only one who didn't hear her saying: 'Wait, that's the wrong one!' I'm lost in a city I've never been before. FML

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Top comments

By shannon2348 | 14

#7870935 - Monday 30 December 2019 22:34

Why would you be so rude? ydi. Hope you flunk.

By Grizz8831 | 13

#7871111 - Tuesday 31 December 2019 16:06

I mean, what grade is this? if its high school op may not have been given enough for a grown adult? either way ydi for not thinking before you spoke, even simple facts can be offensive in the wrong context...

COMMENTS

By shannon2348 | 14

#7870935 - Monday 30 December 2019 22:34

Why would you be so rude? ydi. Hope you flunk.

Reply

kfchicken_fml | 28

#7871401 - Thursday 2 January 2020 6:09

she was rude but flunking is a bit extreme relax.

By Grizz8831 | 13

#7871111 - Tuesday 31 December 2019 16:06

I mean, what grade is this? if its high school op may not have been given enough for a grown adult? either way ydi for not thinking before you spoke, even simple facts can be offensive in the wrong context...

Reply

ojosRojos | 28

#7876130 - Wednesday 22 January 2020 17:16

Based on the fact that she said “one of the teachers,” I don’t think that was the case