Runaway Truck

Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status: "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

Walk on the wild side

Out of it

Gamers rise up

By notbrowsingnow - United States

24738

51217

Today, in the absence of my god-daughter's parents, I went in their place to see her elementary school's principal. She apparently stood up to a known bully's violence and retaliated, sending said bully to the hospital. Not only she may be facing expulsion, I may get sued by the bully's parents. FML

By bully slayer - Philippines - Pasay City

2896

193

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

By blotchy-girl - New Zealand

41979

6700

Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

By OhGodWhy - 23/5/2020 08:00

Superstition

1759

121

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

By horp - United States - Torrington

26607

9077

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to blow-dry the sweat off her armpits instead of showering. FML

By crazydaughter - Egypt

28730

3250

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. After breaking the news to my parents, I heard my dad mutter when I left, "Damn it, I liked her better than him." My mother didn't protest. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Muncie

56585

13173

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

By mandm - United States - Brooklyn

39179

4924

Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling me that my bulk order of toilet paper had been shipped. FML

By 733yoda

1404

249

Today, I gave my friend a $5 VR set that I purchased from the dollar store for Christmas. I received a $60 gift card. Later, I realized I left the receipt in the package. FML

By Cheapo

1423

6069

Today, my expensive, multi-feature, water proof watch was destroyed... by water. FML

By Anonymous - Dominican Republic

40665

7169

Today, I was talking to my new boss while on speakerphone. Then, my sister yelled for me, asking me to check whether she had a yeast infection or not. FML

By embarrassed much - United States - Orlando

20311

2628

Today, the girl I like finally replied to a text I sent a week ago. Her reply was: "Don't ever text me again, fuckface." FML

By FuckfaceSteve - United Kingdom - Chester-le-street

34586

4390

Today, I was working at our garage sale with my dad. I sat outside for 2 hours, talked to three people, and sold nothing. My dad came outside and got angry at me, so I told him to give it a shot. He sold 3 things to the first guy who walked in. FML

By FailedSalesman - United States - Lewisville

6948

1002

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

By ouch - United Kingdom

9631

99414

Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML

By juliannamelissa - United States - Philadelphia

27117

9467

Today, I met a boy on Snapchat. I sent him my picture and he said I was cute. We talked for a bit, and I said, "Okay" to something. Then he sent his picture, but my slow Wi-Fi made it look like I said okay to his picture, right after he'd called me cute. I tried to explain, but he said I was just trying to be nice. FML

By Leah Truncale - 24/11/2020 13:58 - United States - Petaluma

But was he cute though?

745

113

Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Marcos

50843

5218

Today, I’m allergic to all forms of hormonal birth control, and due to the virus outbreak, I can’t get my implant replaced. We’re in quarantine, and my boyfriend and I just used our last condom. It’s going to be a long couple of weeks. FML

By not getting any

Weeks?

1767

528

Today, my 21 year old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

By Anonymous - United States

33387

5258

Today, I found out my mother-in-law is trying to force me to lose weight, even though I am trying, and have a medical condition. FML

By depressedkiwi - 15/7/2020 08:01

Weight watcher

1310

638

Today, I went to a frozen yogurt stand with my dad. One of the flavors was called "Juicy Cherry." I had to stand there and watch in horror as he told the woman running the stand all about how he'd like to taste her juicy cherry. FML

By ppema - United States

27693

2213

Today, my little sister was being picked on by some kids. After seeing one push her, I went over to talk to them about how bullying isn't cool and how they need to play nice. They beat me up. I'm 22 years old and got beat up by a group of 10 year olds. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Glen Allen

45687

15526

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML

By Anonyname - United Kingdom

43205

10195

Today, my boyfriend came to a family barbecue. I guess my dad heard him talking about the "fun" we'd be having later, because over the next two hours, he tripped my boyfriend up on concrete, threw a beer can at him, and sprayed him full-force with a water hose. All "accidentally" of course. FML

By :$ - United States

24471

7488

Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML

By pissed off

23395

2580

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

By Just_do_it_17 - United States

40909

8045

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

By aprilfools22 - United States

29828

12581

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

By Anonymous

2916

299

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

By Just keep the pins - Sweden - Floda

7993

839

Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML

By whyme - United States

23667

2103

Today, I was on the phone with a prospective blind date. He asked me to describe myself so I said that I was fun, attractive and a little chubby but not fat. My 7 year old sister walked up to me and screamed "Jesus doesn't like it when we lie!". FML

By apparentlyugly - United States

54260

15178

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

By polish_chik - Canada

26225

38708

Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML

By youknowyoureoptimisticwhen - Canada - Montr?al

12612

20034

Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful World - and I thought I sounded my best yet. After my performance, I went outside to get some air. Then, I got assaulted in the parking lot and ended up going to the hospital. What a wonderful world indeed. FML

By karaokestar - Canada

57908

5510

Today, I realized there’s no point in maintaining a friendship of 20 years. I stopped texting my friend three weeks ago and he never noticed. I texted him daily for at least the past ten years. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 17:03

That ship has sailed

1400

220

Today, after a childhood of battling bad teeth and cavities, I'm an overzealous brusher. I found out that I have cavities in all quadrants of my mouth from over-brushing, which will need multiple appointments to fill. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 02:03

Jaws 2: A Pig in the City

1358

203

Today, I discovered both how much I really talk to myself when I'm drinking alone and how thin the walls of my apartment are. I heard my own slurred voice coming from my neighbor's apartment. They had recorded me and made a mixtape of some of the more interesting things I had said. FML

By talker - United States - Middletown

10505

22931

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid in bed and told my parents I needed some alone time. A couple of minutes later, one of them started blasting "All by Myself" so loud that I felt the floorboards vibrate. FML

By all by myself - United States - Alaska Peninsula Nwr

39876

4309

Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML

By wellfuckyoutoo - United States - Philadelphia

26617

1741