Runaway Truck

Today, my mother called me a slut and unladylike because I prefer beer instead of wine. Apparently, beer's only for "unladylike sluts". FML

Sorry…

Inappropriate crush

Is that a pass then?

By BeerSlut - Portugal - Santa Marta De Penagui?o

24041

2155

Today, my boss finally checked the presentation I have been working on for three weeks. She called me into her office, and told me everything was dreadful, and requested me to start from scratch. It's due in half an hour. FML

By WorkWeirdo - Peru - Lima

17444

1530

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Houghton Le Spring

23583

5885

Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML

By samgonzalessb - United States

41238

3811

Today, I managed to throw my back out by blowing my nose. FML

By Hlaalette - Belgium

27068

3051

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 23:00

Slip of the tongue

1428

165

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time. The minute I stepped in the door his mother hit me in the face and kicked me out because I was "the slut her husband cheated on her with." My older sister and I look much alike. Too much alike. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

68649

4650

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, who has frequent night terrors, also sleepwalks. And apparently sleep-pisses on the bathroom rug. FML

By laundry day again... - United States

45638

3518

Today, I dressed up in new lingerie I had bought to surprise my partner. He said "what do you want? Just go to bed instead". So much for that new confidence. FML.

By Desertdryspell

2421

205

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

By matou - France - Caluire

32276

3623

Today, after having a shower, I walked back into my room butt naked. As I looked up I saw the window cleaner staring right at me. I looked. He looked. And without thinking I dropped straight to the floor to hid myself, then realized my naked butt was still staring right at him. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

21479

6730

Today, fifteen minutes after dinner was served, my blind date says "It's good that you're smart. Not to be rude, but most girls aren't. I mean, at some point, I'm going to pull my dick out of your mouth and then it's good if you have something interesting to say." Check please. FML

By Hate2Date - United States

47519

8157

Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML

By Anonymous - United States

48863

3427

Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML

By Anonymous - United States

4083

450

Today, our electric horse fence broke. I turned it off so I could fix it. As I was grabbing the fence, my brother thought it would be hilarious to turn the fence back on. FML

By ouch - United States

33068

3417

Today, my boss declared total bankruptcy of the company and I lost my job. The good news is my coworkers and I all received McDonald's 10%-off coupons. They expired in 2003. FML

By Anonymous

48333

2895

Today, my husband and I took a walk on the wharf. We walked by a Wax Museum and in front of the museum there was a bench with a very realistic wax man sitting on it. I got very close to his face and yelled over to my husband how realistic the wax man looked. Just then, he coughed. FML

By Anonymous - United States

8676

34628

Today, I struggled through a one hour traffic jam to get to the airport to pick up my dad who was just coming back from an overseas trip. I got there only to find that he had given me the wrong date, and I had to drive home. Best part? I have to do it all over again tomorrow. FML

By Etyl - Indonesia

27804

3440

Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML

By Sick Guy - United States - Boynton Beach

buys case of Listerine

4840

326

Today, after a few beers, I was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed. I had to climb out through the shower window. It was fool proof until my foot got stuck. I hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where I was. FML

By Sparks - United States

28651

14929

Today, my girlfriend saw the name "Melissa" on my phone's contact list. After refusing to tell her who it was, she accused me of being a cheater, broke up with me and stormed out of my house. Melissa is the name of a woman from Craigslist who was going to sell me an antique engagement ring. FML

By rejected - United States - Charlotte

44110

8881

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

By harry - France

25662

4117

Today, I took my kids to the doctor. In the waiting room, a six year old boy walked up to me, punched me in the crotch, and ran away with my glasses. When the kid's parents made him give me my glasses back, he spat on them. FML

By DeadDude

35971

3185

Today, I went on my afternoon stroll to my local park. As I reached the park a little boy was peeing in the bushes nearby. His mother called. As I walked by, he turned, still peeing, right to me. He ended up peeing on the front of my pants and on my shoes. My house is 2 miles away from the park. FML

By gameguy3424 - United States

44511

3188

Today, I told my cousin it would be okay if he stayed the weekend after a fight with his wife. He didn't tell me he was bringing his 4 kids. They've watched funny cat videos for hours and they laugh like maniacs. FML

By kids are meh - United States - Ponchatoula

12023

1330

Today, I got a missed call from my dad, who hasn't talked to me in months and has vowed not to have anything to do with me. I called him back excitedly and apologized for missing his call, and we had a 20-second conversation about how his phone accidentally dialed my number. FML

By Anonymous - United States

67013

3518

Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it 'Horny.' FML

By douglas - United States

40101

8225

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

1488

125

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told me he wasn't really into me and asked to be friends. Then, he apologised because he has herpes. FML

By stdfree_hopefully

8589

2087

Today, at work, one of the elderly residents dropped a turd on the floor. I went to go get the nurse but couldn't find her. Upon returning to the scene, another resident picked it up and placed it in my hand, thinking it was mud. Now my nickname at work is 'Nugget'. FML

By anon - United States - Springfield

23023

1849

Today, four days after making a $100 bet with my balding, pedo-stache wearing dad over who could get a girlfriend first, he came home and introduced me to his new girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

41828

11585

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

38430

4005

Today, I apparently I created a group chat with the four guys I saw any potential with, ruining every single one of the possible future relationships all at once because they now know about each other. I give up on dating. FML

By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 17:02 - Canada - Waterloo

The more the merrier

162

1569

Today, I have to reschedule the vacation I had planned for eight months because I have the flu, and feel too sick to go and enjoy myself at a waterpark. This vacation is the only thing that's kept me sane these last two months. FML

By "Forevor_a_potato"

1837

206

Today, I found out that every time my boyfriend has cutely joked about my clothes not matching while we're just lounging around the house, he's really been hoping I would catch on that he thinks I look like a slob. FML

By Rachel - United States - Burton

18965

3723

Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML

By anonamous - United States

22080

9073

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29275

18220

Today, I learned that taking a shower right before your house starts flooding is the human equivalent to washing your car right before it starts raining. Only much worse. FML

By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 05:00

Water, water, everywhere

1368

130

Today, I was with my four year-old daughter when we met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman I know. My daughter looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?" FML

By Anonymous

Kids, eh?

1462

142

Today, I realized that I hadn't heard anything about my upcoming class reunion. Turns out it was an invite via Facebook that I didn't receive because most of my classmates are on my block list. FML

3258

7708