By Anonymous

Romantic mood

Today, I rushed home because my wife called to let me know she was feeling horny for the first time after getting over a bad flu. I walked in the door and surprise surprise, her sister had called round, wanting sympathy after her latest fuck buddy dumped her. Romantic mood ruined. FML

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Dangling modifier

The receipts, the tea

Never go public

By Great. - Brazil - Belo Horizonte

Today, I found an old toy that I gave to my daughter several years ago. It was still unopened, and long forgotten, so I decided to re-gift it to one of my friend's children. My daughter immediately remembered her "favorite" toy and started crying inconsolably. FML

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By irishbubble - Australia - Sydney

Today, after finally seeing a psychologist about the death of my dad and spending the longest hour of my life confessing every thought I've experienced in the 6 years since his passing, my psychologist asked me if I was walking home or if my dad would be picking me up. FML

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By 1234567898765432 - Canada

Today, I was going to a stoplight party. Green shirt=single, yellow=hard to get and red=taken. I show up wearing a red shirt and I see my boyfriend in a green shirt. Thinking it was a mistake, I ask him jokingly why he isn't wearing red. He looks at me weird and says, "Oh, you didn't get my text?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day back to school after break. I wasn't feeling well, but I decided to go anyway. I threw up in the hallway and shit myself at the same time. I waited in the office for my dad to come and get me for almost an hour while wearing dirty underwear. FML

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By FarisH - Jordan

Today, I went to my orthodontist where I was informed that I'll going to the prom, to my brother's wedding, and maybe to university with braces in my mouth. FML

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By sdfsdf - United States

Today, I went to contest a parking ticket in court. I came out 3 hours later, all charges clear, to a new parking ticket on my windshield, for the same amount I just got cleared. FML

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By howinthenameofholyfuck?! - 16/7/2020 17:01

Thanks for the miracle

Today, after being diagnosed with breast cancer, enduring months of tortuous chemo, having painful radiation treatments and having had my tubes tied, I realized I’ve become the butt of an incredibly cruel cosmic joke. I got pregnant from the one-night stand I had to celebrate beating cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 04:01

Unfair

Today, I had to do a presentation. No one else in my group showed up, so I had to do it alone. I was given a failing grade for presenting by myself, and therefore not being a "team player". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2020 23:01 - United States - Southfield

Grown-ass man

Today, my mom got angry that I moved stuff in the freezer, and banned me from even opening it in future. I’m in my 30s, I fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, and now I've lost freezer privileges. FML

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By sourgirl101

Is he the guy from the earlier FML??

Today, my husband's number was mistakenly added to a group chat of my co-workers dealing with COVID-19. Despite my asking him to stop, he keeps sending corny memes that has offended most of them. FML

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By moronicmoroccan - Philippines

Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML

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By lolmyfduplife

Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am taking a 16 hour flight. Five minutes in, the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas I have ever smelled. To help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess. 15 hours and 55 minutes to go. FML

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By Lmop68 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

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By poordog - United States

Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote "Do you think she will get better?", so I wrote "I hope she does". It wasn't until later that I realized I accidentally wrote "I hope she dies" instead. FML

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By accident - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

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By Me - France

Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML

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By RescuePups - United States - Waterford

Sneaky Bitch

Today, my 8-week-old foster puppy pooped on my backpack as I was getting ready to go to work. In the 10 seconds it took to grab cleaning supplies, another foster dog ate my homemade breakfast sandwich off the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 02:01 - United States

Whipping boy

Today, like every day, my boss was complaining about something or other, but this time it was work that I knew he'd done himself, and he still blamed me. FML

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By LonelyBoy - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

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By datgurllllukno - United States

Food for thought

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

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By Puppy problems - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

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By uetlqdja - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

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By Iabnysmwytm - 29/7/2020 14:01

Yeah, that's the same

Today, we were talking about discrimination. I shared my story of being denied housing and a job offer because I'm trans. Some doofus tried to compare it to the time he was denied a car loan due to not having credit history. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

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By TetrisMaster - Australia

Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML

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By mommycooks - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Interference

Today, my family came over for Thanksgiving. We were supposed to have had dinner hours ago, but my mom kept sneaking into the kitchen and dialing down the temperature on the oven, claiming I was going to overcook everything. At this rate, we'll be lucky to have eaten by midnight. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got my posting orders for the Air Force. After spending four years training and studying to become an aerospace engineer, I am getting sent to the only base without aircraft. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

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By Pakundo - France

Today, I went to an underwear shop, and an employee recommended me a push-up bra. I was wearing one. FML

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By skiergal98

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

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By MeepMeep

Meep Meep

Today, I had to do a Google Image search to prove to my 32-year-old husband that road runners are real animals, and not just made up for Looney Toons. FML

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By Anonymous

Jinx

Today, I was reversing my brother's car out of a driveway. I turned to my friend in the passenger seat and said "check it out, I'm so good at reversing!" Next minute there's a huge bang. I had just reversed into a tree and shattered the windscreen. FML

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By Jesse Thames

Today, I received a series of rejection letters from jobs, one after the other. Last night, I stayed up into the wee morning hours to apply to campus jobs I'm not qualified for, because I was classified as a part-time student due to an administrative error. FML

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By Anonymous

Jedi mind trick

Today, my stepdad punched me in the face after I told him I hated him. He and my mom came in 10 minutes later to try to convince me that I'd made it up in my head that he'd punched me. My face was still red. FML

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By watchmaker - United Kingdom

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I decided to head out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I couldn't get the airplane seat buckle to buckle, I faced the fact that I've been in denial about how fat I have become. The people in my row faced it too as I began to sob uncontrollably. FML

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By Discipl - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

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By caleighrossi - United States - Ottumwa

Leave it

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

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Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7851475 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 9:06

Obviously, the term "f*ck buddy" doesn't mean what the SIL thinks that it means....

By RichardPencil | 30

#7851433 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 3:20

Pity threesome?

COMMENTS

By bigredmonkeybutt | 25

#7851428 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 2:35

Threesome?

Reply

Sagar Nair | 11

#7851597 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 17:10

That’s his wife’s sister...

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7851604 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 17:26

The women don't need to touch each other. They both seem like they have healthy libidos, so why not share the love amongst the three of them. The ladies get some sexy time, and OP gets to brag about it to his buds over a few beers.

By neverfind | 20

#7851429 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 2:35

And she decided you were a good replacement? Oh god, that’s wrong on so many levels.

By RockyLovesARacer | 38

#7851430 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 2:44

Meh...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7851433 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 3:20

Pity threesome?

Reply

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7851477 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 9:12

You have a dirty fantasy ... somehow I like it.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7851616 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 18:18

There's more where that came from ;)

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7851455 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 7:20

So be a good buddy to your sister in law and give her what she needs.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7851475 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 9:06

Obviously, the term "f*ck buddy" doesn't mean what the SIL thinks that it means....