Intimacy: Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been...

By LOLCATS - United Kingdom

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Sewer monster

For the life of him indeed

By kikajsns - 29/4/2021 07:59

His house, his rules?

Today, it’s been a week since my dad has decided I’m only allowed to sleep with my door open. Guess how long it’s been since I’ve slept. FML

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By stpdaziandude - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

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By thatisfuckedup - United Kingdom

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

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By neveragain - Canada

Today, I gave in and let my friend give me a makeover. She couldn't find my eyelash curler, but decided that if she used scissors lightly, it would work just the same. Needless to say, it did not work. FML

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By meantowheels - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

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By notnow - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today I was very excited to go to the post office to claim a parcel. I didn't know what it could be, so I assumed it was a gift. It turned out to be a speeding ticket. FML

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By Victor - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said "you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being laid off for over a year, I got turned down for an unpaid internship. I can't even get people to let me work for free. FML

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By Me. - United States

Today, while taking pictures by the pool, my friend wanted to use my camera. I told her to put the wrist strap on so it wouldn't fall into the pool. She dropped the camera while trying to put the strap on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my wife of 10 years bought me a bottle of wine, a wine rack and wine accessory kit for my birthday. She knows I don't like wine. FML

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By - New Zealand

Asshat

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

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By Lindso1

Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML

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By PatientlyDying - United States - Plano

Today, while talking to my parents, I dropped an ordinary drinking glass. After I apologized and cleaned the mess, they told me that they had decided that if I couldn't be careful at home, I certainly couldn't be careful on the roads. They took away my keys. I'm 19. FML

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By in debt

Today, a tree fell on our 3-month-old family car. Today, I also learned that my husband never insured it. It's probably scrap, and we still have to pay it off for the next 5 years. FML

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By thanks, dad... - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

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By lovealways22 - United States - Littleton

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years. I came home and when my dad asked what was wrong, I told him. His first reaction was, "Well damn it. Who'll go fishing with me now?" FML

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By MadWorld

Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana Grace. My sister just revealed she is having a girl and naming her Hana Grace since "the name is up for grabs now". FML

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By thathottchickk - United States

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

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By anniecook - United States

Today, I saw an old man who needed help crossing the street. I went over to him and helped him across the street. When he thanked me, I said, "No problem, sir." They responded by hitting me in the happy sacks and screaming that they were a woman. FML

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By wahhh - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbor from across the road phoned me at work telling me there was a fire engine outside my house and a lot of smoke. I drove home in a panic, smashing a rear light on a post and getting flashed by a speed camera. It wasn't my house. The firemen were putting out a bonfire next door. FML

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By coloring is not for me - United States

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while getting pretty intimate with my newlywed wife in the car, a cop turned his lights on. As he was walking up, I was trying to get my pants back on but they wouldn't fit over my knees. The cop just laughed and walked away. Turns out my wife had my pants on and I was trying to put hers on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was waiting in a line, texting on my phone. I hear what sounded like a sneeze and said, "Bless you" to the man in front of me. He gave me a dirty look as I began to smell something awful. It wasn't a sneeze. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corning

Today, I walked in on my roommate with her ass cheeks spread wide, and her friend ripping a strip of wax off of her while wearing a headlamp flashlight to see if she "got it all". FML

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By Connor - United States

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I had my first game ever as an ice hockey goalie. Our team didn't have a goalie helmet, so they gave me a regular one which didn't cover me completely. I was worried about it and told my coach, but he said I would be fine. I then took a puck to the throat that sent me to hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lynchburg

Today, a classmate found out I have a boyfriend. He said, "Really? YOU??" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after having a shower, I walked back into my room butt naked. As I looked up I saw the window cleaner staring right at me. I looked. He looked. And without thinking I dropped straight to the floor to hid myself, then realized my naked butt was still staring right at him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Beaumont

Feelings

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the beach, my boyfriend picked me up and carried me over his shoulder. I felt my bikini top come undone in the process. I panicked and pulled down on his shorts. We were fined for indecent exposure. FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML

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By Girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was telling my entire cocktail party about the time I accidentally flashed my volleyball team at a pool party. While trying to demonstrate how it happened, I accidentally pulled my dress down and flashed everyone again. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

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By shallowvomit1013 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend found a picture of herself on a website filled with pictures of thin people. I was in the picture, also. I was crossed-out with the word, "EWW" written next to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Quality time

Today, I'm finally visiting my long-distance boyfriend in his home country. He has a vomit-inducing migraine, and the traditional food he fed me triggered the worst kidney attack I've had in years. We're both lying on the couch writhing in pain. Yay, quality time together. FML

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By yelyah - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

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Top comments

By macnamera | 0

#619701 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 19:54

You should sleep with her sister. Or her Mom. Or both at the same time.

By Paramedicjelly | 0

#619754 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:16

What a whore!!!

COMMENTS

By Mx_Rider | 6

#619694 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 19:52

first yaaaaaayyyy

caligurls | 0

#1073327 - Thursday 8 July 2010 7:41

who cares?? i'm stealing this: 2nd yayy!!! thanks, #1, couldn't have done it without u:)

SoccerForTheWin | 5

#3818072 - Monday 2 January 2012 4:46

20 year old firefighter saying yay because your the first to comment....now that's an FML

By macnamera | 0

#619701 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 19:54

You should sleep with her sister. Or her Mom. Or both at the same time.

Crazyjoe33 | 6

#2319986 - Saturday 9 April 2011 17:43

^win!^

Brownsider | 4

#3915358 - Friday 20 January 2012 19:33

Just go through the whole family besides the dudes lol

By Mx_Rider | 6

#619714 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 19:57

agree with number 2!

Frabens | 1

#6726563 - Friday 23 December 2016 13:56

I wish there were a button; such as a reply button where you could press it to let them know you agree with them.....

By lstdwn | 0

#619729 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:03

now you need somebody to cheer you up! im sorry for you dude! be more careful with your choices next time!

By 604 | 11

#619743 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:11

Get rid of her.

By wairdt | 5

#619752 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:15

Burn. I'm sorry to hear that.

By Paramedicjelly | 0

#619754 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:16

What a whore!!!

LuvsTheRainbow | 0

#622844 - Friday 16 October 2009 14:07

Thats what i was thinking. :D

mibs3 | 11

#5214628 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 21:40

Whores at least get paid she isn't even doing that.

theweasel | 16

#6240644 - Monday 23 March 2015 3:49

If she was doing it at work, technically she was getting paid.

By monster_tamer | 11

#619791 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:31

...o.o;

By mekzikinz | 0

#619836 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:50

i hate when ppl say "get it on"
but fyl OP .

By shadowkillah | 0

#619840 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:54

leave her...u shouldn't comfort someone who did this to you man....FYL