Intimacy: Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been...

By LOLCATS - United Kingdom

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Out of it

All for nothing

By rert

Today, after my girlfriend told her mother that she is seeing a different guy than me because her mother doesn’t approve of me, I learned that she is also seeing said guy. FML

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By damnit - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Boucherville

Today, while I was volunteering at the homeless shelter, one of them "accidentally" kissed me. It felt like my face was being sucked by a vacuum. FML

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By marryinghimanyway - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced my engagement. My mother's response was to freak out and demand that I postpone my wedding indefinitely. Why? My younger sister caught the bouquet at a wedding last year, so "she has to get married first!" My sister has been single for 3 years and showers once a week. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to fetch our bins after they were collected, only to scare the child that was trying to fit inside our compost bin. Apparently, she's not allowed to play in hers because she already broke two by doing this. These bins are $75 a piece. FML

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By RhuLynette - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was at a bar, when a heavily drunk guy came up to me and slurred "Fuucckkk lady, your face... not even with beer goggles!" FML

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By numbnuts - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went onto the treadmill at my gym. When it prompted me to enter my age I put 27. I'm 29 and am lying about my age to a workout machine. FML

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By gui909 - France

Today, I went to fill up my car. 500 metres before the petrol station, I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them past. In fact, they were also going to fill up. 35 motorcyclists and 2 petrol pumps. FML

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By dickwebs - Germany

Today, I was taking off my underwear to change into fresh clothes. Pulling them down, I realize there's a big fat spider in them. Not only did I have a spider chilling with my genitals the whole day, but I'm deathly afraid of them. FML

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By 1danzo1 - Australia

Today, I was getting a haircut. I had my foils in for about 10 minutes when the fire alarm went off. The building then started to fill with smoke and we evacuated. While outside watching the fire being put out, I forgot about my foils. I now have bright bleached yellow and orange hair. FML

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By emptypockets - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was pulled over and fined $100 for driving without a license, as I'd accidentally left home without my wallet. I later found my wallet wedged beside my car seat, where it had been the entire time. FML

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By Hooperist - United States - Murrieta

Today, while sick with the flu, I had the police called on me by my older neighbors downstairs. They thought I was hosting a party at 3 in the morning. I was really just throwing up constantly. FML

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By traumatized house keeper - Germany - M?nster

What a jerk!

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

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By bad luck? - Australia

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

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By Enanimus - United States - Mountain View

Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML

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By Olive14

Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By ArtistBlock - United States - Phoenix

Today, I spent nearly seven hours clearing out our storage room in order to transform it into my art studio. Things were going great until I tweaked my back. At least from my stationary position in bed I have a perfect view of the table I can't work at for the next 2 to 4 weeks. FML

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By Distrusting

Today, I have gastro. I sent a text my husband: “It’s definitely a don’t trust a fart day, thankfully haven’t been caught out yet”, but accidentally text my manager instead. FML

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By amg85904 - United States

Today, I was in one of those lucid half sleeps with my boyfriend. Not fully awake to control myself, I ripped ass. I had no idea what to do. I pretended to still be sleeping. I'm pretty sure he noticed because he patted me on the back in a congratulatory sort of way. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML

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By notyourfriend - Canada - Peterborough

Today, my horrible boss sent me a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, in her attempt to not only bother me at work, but also through social media. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I dropped the collection basket during Christmas Mass at my Catholic church. Money and checks fell all over the floor and everyone was staring at me. I was too stunned to even pick it up. There were about 1,500 people from our town there and my family won't stop bringing it up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bedroom wall outside. I could see my boyfriend's car from the window, so I assumed he was throwing pebbles to get my attention. I opened the window and an egg flew in. FML

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By Amanda

Today, my daughter has been using the "supertaster" excuse to not eat my cooking. To prove to her that she isn't one, I blindfolded her and gave her a bowl of jelly beans, then asked her to plug her nose and identify the flavors. She got every single one correct. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, my sister sent me countless pictures of my boyfriend making out with different girls at a bar. His excuse? Photoshop. FML

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By itsover - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via facebook. I don't even have a facebook. My friends had to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodinville

Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML

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By forthethreeofus

Today, I went to a nice restaurant with my grandfather, who kept telling me to be kind towards our waiter, as he was probably just starting his summer job. The same waiter who, as my granddad had probably forgotten, had brought us our food six months ago and was now standing four feet away. FML

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By Rar - United States - Palatine

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my parent's house I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being yelled at by our boss because the office computer server has yet another virus, my co-worker and I did a bit of investigating. Apparently, the viruses aren't coming from client emails as we previously assumed. It seems that the problem is really our boss's porn addiction. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date, and everything was going fine- until the ride home. On the way, I starting having progressively bad stomach pains. Once she left the car, I passed the worst gas that I had ever encountered. As I began to drive, she knocked on the window. She forgot her purse in the car. FML

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By Fuck's sake! - Singapore - Singapore

Today, it turned out the twit I've been overcharging for drinks in my bar for wearing shades indoors is actually blind. FML

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By headache

Today, I have a new office-mate. I'm not particularly sensitive to odours but he wears so much cologne, I nearly throw up every time he walks in. Only 8 more hours till fresh air. FML

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By PickedOff - United States

Far out, man

Today, I was worried about my brother because he said that his new medication was making him hallucinate. I told him he should see a doctor right away. He said it was fine and that he had already seen a doctor. I later found out the doctor he was talking about was a hallucination. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 02:02

Kids say the darndest things

Today, I asked my 2-year-old if he loved me. His response? “No mama, stop.” FML

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By sexlube - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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Top comments

By macnamera | 0

#619701 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 19:54

You should sleep with her sister. Or her Mom. Or both at the same time.

By Paramedicjelly | 0

#619754 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:16

What a whore!!!

COMMENTS

By Mx_Rider | 6

#619694 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 19:52

first yaaaaaayyyy

caligurls | 0

#1073327 - Thursday 8 July 2010 7:41

who cares?? i'm stealing this: 2nd yayy!!! thanks, #1, couldn't have done it without u:)

SoccerForTheWin | 5

#3818072 - Monday 2 January 2012 4:46

20 year old firefighter saying yay because your the first to comment....now that's an FML

By macnamera | 0

#619701 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 19:54

You should sleep with her sister. Or her Mom. Or both at the same time.

Crazyjoe33 | 6

#2319986 - Saturday 9 April 2011 17:43

^win!^

Brownsider | 4

#3915358 - Friday 20 January 2012 19:33

Just go through the whole family besides the dudes lol

By Mx_Rider | 6

#619714 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 19:57

agree with number 2!

Frabens | 1

#6726563 - Friday 23 December 2016 13:56

I wish there were a button; such as a reply button where you could press it to let them know you agree with them.....

By lstdwn | 0

#619729 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:03

now you need somebody to cheer you up! im sorry for you dude! be more careful with your choices next time!

By 604 | 11

#619743 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:11

Get rid of her.

By wairdt | 5

#619752 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:15

Burn. I'm sorry to hear that.

By Paramedicjelly | 0

#619754 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:16

What a whore!!!

LuvsTheRainbow | 0

#622844 - Friday 16 October 2009 14:07

Thats what i was thinking. :D

mibs3 | 11

#5214628 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 21:40

Whores at least get paid she isn't even doing that.

theweasel | 16

#6240644 - Monday 23 March 2015 3:49

If she was doing it at work, technically she was getting paid.

By monster_tamer | 11

#619791 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:31

...o.o;

By mekzikinz | 0

#619836 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:50

i hate when ppl say "get it on"
but fyl OP .

By shadowkillah | 0

#619840 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:54

leave her...u shouldn't comfort someone who did this to you man....FYL