By soupcrackers - 7/10/2020 04:57

Persona non grata

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Rationalization

Brain fog

By Anonyme - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the first time during sex. Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a tv into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. FML

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By gallstones - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my boyfriend got surgery on his gallbladder because he had big gallstones. After they were removed, he was still a little out of it from the morphine. He gave the gallstones to me for my birthday. Better still, his mom suggested I make a necklace out of them. FML

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By my eyes!! - 27/5/2020 08:00

Knock next time

Today, I walked in on my husband's elderly parents getting it on. It’s beautiful they still love each other, I just wish they hadn’t decided to express that love on our living room sofa. FML

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By handygirl - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

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By bthms - France

Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML

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By sore - France

Today, I woke up with bruised nipples because apparently my boyfriend likes to excessively play with them while I sleep. FML

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By helplesssssss - United States

Today, I took a shower in a beachhouse we're renting for the week. Once I get out, I realize the house doesn't supply towels, my entire family was outside in the front yard, my cell phone was upstairs, and there are no blinds. I stood under a ceiling fan naked for 20 minutes trying to dry off. FML

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By stpddog - United States

Today, while trying to get my attention, my dog got her nail stuck in a usb port in my laptop. She freaked out and ran off, dragging it off my lap and through the house before if came off. Her nail was only slightly chipped- my laptop now has a cracked screen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

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By apavies444 - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents bedroom by mistake. FML

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By LonelyShowers - United States - Mission Hills

Today, my boyfriend pointed out that the water bill is getting kind of high. I suggested that we shower together to save water. He said he'd rather deal with the high water bill. FML

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By mothers - United States

Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

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By teach - Canada

Today, at the elementary school where I teach, the kids all voted for their favorite teacher. I was the only one to receive zero votes. When I asked a small group of students why no one voted for me, one boy replied "because you're the ugliest". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Northridge

No kinkshaming here

Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML

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By muffintop - Canada

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

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By skid - United States - Champaign

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

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By kenzieeeee - United States

Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

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By Crazy Crazy Crazy - Canada - Burlington

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML

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By fukinlonely - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

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By susiedoggles - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

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By Badlucked - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I spent almost an hour cleaning and scrubbing the inside of my fridge. Just when I'd finished putting everything back inside, I tipped over the open milk carton. FML

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By Jfly25

Today, while on my way to work, I had a tire blowout. I got the car towed and borrowed my mom’s so that I could still get to work. Her car seized and died on the expressway ramp. It’s not in any tow truck’s jurisdiction. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Herndon

Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm dad." FML

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By notagain

Grindr danger

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

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By Parental Support - United States - Ellicott City

Today, I found out I was 13th in a graduating class of about 350 students. When I told my mother, without batting an eye, she told me, "Hey, shit floats". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2020 22:05 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Equality

Today, I gave my wife a £55 gin Advent calendar. She gave me a £1 one with chocolates i don't like. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2021 23:01

Live, laugh, love no one

Today, I got flowers from a secret admirer. Turns out they were from my sister's in-laws who own a flower shop. Apparently, everyone feels bad that I'm single and they are convinced I'm gonna die alone. FML

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By sandiego - United States

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

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By guest - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend that said, "I love you." Thinking this meant he'd changed his mind about breaking up with me less than 24 hours before, I replied back excitedly. Turns out that was a text sent last weekend that didn't go through until now. What great timing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Aurora

Today, I told my daughter that she won't be going to her homecoming dance as punishment for her terrible grades. She's been crying and singing "If I Die Young" in her room for hours. At this point, I don't know if I need to call a therapist or a vocal coach. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 23:01

That's a new one!

Today, I found out that the guy I was talking to for over a year, who told me he was dying from Covid, is perfectly fine and he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. FML

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By NoTattoo

Today, my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because I refused to get her name tattooed on my chest. FML

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By WhyAppleWhy - United States - Sarasota

Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML

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By averagemom4days - United States - Roosevelt

Today, I spent a ridiculous amount of time working and reworking a design for a client. Eight hours and many tears later, she sends an email saying, "Let's go with the first design. I liked that one the most." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I sent a guy that I like a lot a picture of myself, I got all dressed up sexy and did my make-up. He sent me a reply saying "your cat is fat". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to go to the dentist to get 11 cavities filled. I took a wrong turn and ended up being 10 minutes late. My dentist told I had to reschedule because of his "10 minute policy." I have to wait 14 days now to get my cavities filled. FML

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By snowman - United States

Today, my city got almost a foot of snow. When I went out to my car, it was covered in snow with a layer of ice underneath. I went to open the trunk to get the window scraper, when the snow that had collected on the top of my back window slid into my trunk. My laptop was the recipient of most of the snow. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7943233 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 5:12

Friend A is definitely talking shit about you in the group chat. I'll bet Friend B is also talking shit about you but wants to keep you from walking into it.

Don't want to sound like a bigot, but try to make friends with more letters in their name. Those one-letter people...

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7943245 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 6:37

I was going to suggest renaming herself to Friend C or something so maybe she would fit in better. Or even Friend A+ so they would really know who’s boss.

COMMENTS

By timinator5000 | 28

#7943230 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 5:07

Group chats Suck.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7943233 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 5:12

Friend A is definitely talking shit about you in the group chat. I'll bet Friend B is also talking shit about you but wants to keep you from walking into it.

Don't want to sound like a bigot, but try to make friends with more letters in their name. Those one-letter people...

Reply

Marcella1016 | 31

#7943245 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 6:37

I was going to suggest renaming herself to Friend C or something so maybe she would fit in better. Or even Friend A+ so they would really know who’s boss.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7943292 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 11:33

It sounds like she's living in a Dr. Seuss book. Little Cat A and Little Cat B, C, D, E ...

Hey, we could make her story a mashup of Dr. Seuss and Scarface: "Say 'allo to my leetle fren' A!"

By Allsmash123 | 10

#7944355 - Monday 12 October 2020 2:24

YDI for not telling us why they don’t like you, so I have nothing that makes me believe you are innocent