By soupcrackers - 7/10/2020 04:57

Persona non grata

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

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There's no helping some people

Hope springs eternal

Risky business

By LasagnaRawks - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music, talking to a boy I like on MSN. He asked if I could share the song I was listening to, so I did. It wasn't until I had shared and fully transferred it did I realise it was actually the fake radio show I record on my own, in a phoney Australian accent. All 6 minutes of it. FML

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By foreverashamed - Canada

Today, my father decided that since I'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend, he would buy me a book on how to talk to girls. The book is written by a 9-year-old kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 05:07

It's not THAT hard

Today, I found out how hard it is to actually change light bulbs. I work with electricians. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

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By SpongeAbii2 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

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By fuauntflo - 7/7/2020 17:01

Thanks, I'm cured!

Today, I went to the ER because of an intensely heavy flow. They kept me waiting so long that, although I was wearing a super absorbent tampon and a pad, I still bled through three times. When I was finally seen, the doctor said, "Try using a higher absorbency and follow up with your regular physician." FML

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By nick - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, it was a warm day out so I left my car windows slightly open while I was at work. One of the local bums apparently thought this was a perfect opportunity to use my open driver's side window as a barf receptacle. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 08:01

Miss me yet?

Today, after I kicked my boyfriend out, thinking the sudden separation would make him value our relationship more, I heard he's spent the last 3 weeks at his brother's constantly playing Xbox, hasn’t called me once, and now I’m hearing rumours he’s been taking other women home from sleazy bars. FML

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By iwantaraise - Australia

Today, while on the job as a cop, I was breaking up a loud house party. We were just doing one final check of the house, we walked into the bathroom to find a kid furiously wanking in the bath. This isn't the first time I've seen something like this. FML

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By Joshua - United States - Weatherford

Today, the woman I have been seeing said she couldn't see a future with me. This was all because I didn't text her back when I fell asleep after working a double night/morning shift. FML

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By fucklife - United States - Washington

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she heard me say "love you" on the phone. I was talking to my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 17:02 - United States - New York

NYC public transport

Today, there was a pretty girl sitting near me on the train home. I thought about asking for her number. Instead, a drunk nitwit decides to wander about the car and comes very close to touching her. She got up and moved to the other end, while I had to deal with a belligerent hobo who was now intent on fighting me. FML

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By life_suxxx - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

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By tsu3 - Germany

Today, after spending about 5 years to go back to school, get my life together and get a real job, I now make about $100 less a month. I used to work as a dishwasher. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML

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By Mils - Australia - Blackburn

Maternal monitoring

Today, I learned the hard way that my parents leave the baby monitor in my room when my boyfriend stays over. FML

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By ForeverAlone - United States

Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

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By prego - Canada

Today, because I am pregnant with a weak bladder, I woke up with morning sickness and had to decide very quickly whether I wanted to vomit or pee in the toilet. I now have to clean the chunks off the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

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By holla1787 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 17:07

You go Glenn Coco!

Today, my very top boyfriend told me he was ready to try being the bottom. He moaned and complained about the pain the entire time, even though I got less than 2 inches in, and then got angry I was taking so long to cum. I thought I was the drama queen in our house. FML

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By Liah12 - United States - Holt

Today, my family picked a place for my birthday dinner. They chose a seafood restaurant. I'm allergic. FML

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By loueb17 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5 year old boy. When I was on the phone with my mom, he called 911 and started to cry. When I got off the phone the police were at the door. It turns out that the "emergency" was that the VCR was not working. FML

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By TTR - United States

Today, I finished a very important but annoying presentation that took four hours to complete. Only after writing a paragraph to explain the presentation and sending it to my boss did I realize that I saved the document as "Shit I have to do to get a promotion." FML

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By BigMoney - United States

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML

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By knifewow - Australia - Ashgrove

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

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By Tick

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

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By shawty_x - United Kingdom

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

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By Sewert_5

Today, I made a fatal mistake that may cost my company thousands of dollars. This was right after I got a recognition for my outstanding work last week. FML

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By massage mama - United States - Hesperia

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML

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By zain - United States

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

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By really_now - United States - Reno

Today, I was driving when I noticed that the guy in front was on the phone. I pulled up next to him, pulled out my phone and I made a gesture that he needed to put his phone away. It was a cop. I got a ticket for driving while on my cell phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dropped my camera down 4 flights of circular stairs from the top of a lighthouse. Everything worked, it just had a few dents. Then, as I went to put it in my pocket, I missed. It fell 3 feet and hit the floor. Now it won't turn on. FML

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By good job brain - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a job interview. I was asked what my dream job would be. I blurted out, "The president, because I think it's a very cool and important job." I don't think I'm getting this one. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It would have been a lot sexier had our chihuahua not decided to rim his ass as he thrust into me, causing him to break out into a case of the giggles. FML

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By uhoh.. - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, a girl was making fun of me for being a virgin and, "never seeing a nipple". I have three. FML

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By paulinapo - United States - Staten Island

Today, while in a public bathroom, I threw out my back. A stranger had to help me pull up my pants. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7943233 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 5:12

Friend A is definitely talking shit about you in the group chat. I'll bet Friend B is also talking shit about you but wants to keep you from walking into it.

Don't want to sound like a bigot, but try to make friends with more letters in their name. Those one-letter people...

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7943245 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 6:37

I was going to suggest renaming herself to Friend C or something so maybe she would fit in better. Or even Friend A+ so they would really know who’s boss.

COMMENTS

By timinator5000 | 28

#7943230 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 5:07

Group chats Suck.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7943233 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 5:12

Friend A is definitely talking shit about you in the group chat. I'll bet Friend B is also talking shit about you but wants to keep you from walking into it.

Don't want to sound like a bigot, but try to make friends with more letters in their name. Those one-letter people...

Reply

Marcella1016 | 31

#7943245 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 6:37

I was going to suggest renaming herself to Friend C or something so maybe she would fit in better. Or even Friend A+ so they would really know who’s boss.

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7943292 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 11:33

It sounds like she's living in a Dr. Seuss book. Little Cat A and Little Cat B, C, D, E ...

Hey, we could make her story a mashup of Dr. Seuss and Scarface: "Say 'allo to my leetle fren' A!"

By Allsmash123 | 10

#7944355 - Monday 12 October 2020 2:24

YDI for not telling us why they don’t like you, so I have nothing that makes me believe you are innocent