Sex, Injury and Intimacy: Ouch - FML

Ouch

By anon - 14/04/2015 00:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 538

You deserved it 3 797

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Same thing different taste

Prank off

By I may also need a Tetanus shot - 08/07/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's sister tried to pull the dog jaw prank on me, accidentally biting my finger in the process. Now she's mad at me because her tooth got chipped when I pulled my hand back, completely disregarding the fact that my finger needed stitches from her bite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 80

Danger zone

By Agony! Agony! Agony! - 03/07/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's needy five year-old tried to swing on my arm while I was cutting celery. I needed seven stitches. Later, my girlfriend complained that I should have cleaned up the blood because she's squeamish, and that I upset her son by yelling and cussing in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 138

By Dontwaketheneighbors - 06/12/2012 14:24 - United States - Santee

Spicy

Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 775

You deserved it 4 590

By anonymous - 09/10/2011 01:20 - Australia

Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 301

You deserved it 27 612

By Anonymous - 19/10/2012 20:54 - Czech Republic - Ceska

Spicy

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 589

You deserved it 31 843

Memento

By Anonymous - 20/06/2023 03:00

Today, my quite squeamish girlfriend came with me to get my latest tattoo. She saw a few drops of blood, screamed in the tattooist's ear, and completely fucked up part of the outline. She had to alter the tattoo drastically to cover up the mess and now it just looks bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 534

By TheStudentNurse - 18/11/2016 00:07

Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 848

You deserved it 612

Right in the pecker

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 489

Ice cold break-up

By Ice cold - 22/11/2012 05:35 - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, my girlfriend decided to break the news that she wanted us to be "just friends." However, she did it not in just any old way - while ice-skating. I'm currently in hospital getting stitches in my arm after I tripped in shock and she ran me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 428

You deserved it 1 776

FML: Uncensored

By Cliché... or Touché? - 03/08/2017 02:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 889

You deserved it 62 158

Next

Top comments

Lct1196 31

Tuesday 14 April 2015 14:53

For the love of God, never 69.

Zelphoric 25

Tuesday 14 April 2015 15:11

**** bitches, get stitches.

Comments

SlyCooper15 16

Tuesday 14 April 2015 22:34

You lucky dog

Pauline96_fml 20

Tuesday 14 April 2015 23:26

Try a gag. But only if she says it's okay

annalily5 28

Tuesday 14 April 2015 23:27

I was about to say "What's the problem, sounds sexy." Then I read the stitches part. Remind your girlfriend that all good things should be in moderation, and that hospital visits are not moderation.

Evil_Jester 17

Tuesday 14 April 2015 23:50

Do you taste like chicken,???

chewebb 8

Wednesday 15 April 2015 0:11

You picked a real winner.

Z3R0G5 23

Wednesday 15 April 2015 0:26

Mine is all 3. Yup. It hurts. FML

kristergirl 13

Wednesday 15 April 2015 0:46

that sounds so sexy though

trtnt25 19

Wednesday 15 April 2015 0:53

This brings back memories :P

Glcarr7 10

Wednesday 15 April 2015 4:12

That doesn't sound so bad either

cmikey 14

Wednesday 15 April 2015 4:21

Doesn't matter had sex

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Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was telling me about bed times and how to reach him, their dog started humping my leg. As I tried to discreetly push the dog away, his paw got caught in the pocket of my huge sweatpants, pulling them down. I was wearing a thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 544

You deserved it 12 534

Today, I love my boyfriend very much don’t get me wrong, but we’re both still young and I don't want sex yet. I thought we were on the same page, I think we still are, but last night he attempted to make me horny. He said some dirty things and I'm not into that. I have big boobs, so guys hit on me a lot, but I thought he was different. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 561

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 973

You deserved it 11 619

Today, I accidentally sent a very sexually explicit message to my online class because I thought I was typing in a different window. You can't delete messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 2 567

Today, I spent 45 minutes getting my toddler into a cute outfit for family photos. As soon as we arrived at the photographer's studio, he made direct eye contact with me, pulled off his pants, and ran screaming into the background of someone else's shoot. He's never looked happier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 174

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 552

You deserved it 4 567