By Just a joke - 2/11/2020 05:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

No jokes allowed

Today, my boyfriend called my mother stupid and angrily argued with her at a family dinner. Why? We have a long-running family joke that "vegan food doesn't contain calories", and my boyfriend thought my mum said it seriously and was therefore a moron. FML

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Alexa, put on "Trust" by Low

Great parenting, dude

Congratulations!

By kat

Today, I posted my phone for sale on Facebook. Someone hit me up to buy it and wanted me to meet them. I didn't really want to drive to them, but I'm a mom of 2 and I needed food and some extra cash so I did it. The guy asked to look at the phone and ran off with it. FML

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By big mouth - New Zealand - Northland

Today, at work, I saw a van in our car park with "Hurlz Wagon" painted on its side. Laughing, I told the customer who owned it that I loved the name, and I asked was there a funny vomit story behind it. She didn't laugh, and told me it was her family name. FML

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By Xtine - United States

Today, while on the road I saw a turtle in the middle of the other lane. I slammed on my brakes and got out, holding up and pissing off several drivers on both sides of the highway. Getting closer to the turtle, I realized that it was not a turtle at all, but a very large pile of dog shit. FML

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By Username - France

Driving me mad

Today, at the crack of dawn, I started a 700-mile road trip with my three children. So far, I've stopped four times, settled several arguments, cleaned up spilled yogurt and melted silly putty. 130 miles down, 570 to go. FML

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By Christopher Tobler - United States - New York

Today, I found out that my mom paints, and that I was artistically represented in a painting, as Satan, in a painting made shortly after I told her that I was an atheist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blain

Today, my mom baked a cake for the whole family. One spent EpiPen later, I found out there were nuts in it, which I'm severely allergic to. My mom's defense was that she thought I'd have "gotten over" my allergy by now. FML

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By Stung - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

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By shit - United States

Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML

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By Nola

Today, I watched my mother pull her pants down and, using her hands, feel her butt crack to check if she'd had had an accident. She then pulled her pants up, went into the kitchen and touched stuff in the refrigerator. FML

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By Username

Today, I was told by my mom that I'm a terrible person because I won't help my brother get a girlfriend. He's gay, but won't tell her because he thinks it's hilarious when she yells at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schnecksville

Today, I found out that my "girlfriend" is only with me for free transportation. She even has my contact saved as the car emoji. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 19:58 - Germany

The new economy

Today, I have so little faith in my future earning potential that I keep my clipped toe and fingernails as a nest egg. I heard that some weirdos on the internet actually pay money for those. FML

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By meranda_johnson - United States

Today, I have a cold. I can't begin to count how many times I've sneezed throughout the day, but I can count how many times I've sneezed so hard that I've peed myself: twice. Once while I was at work helping a customer, the other while sitting on the couch next to my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 20:00

So special

Today, my boyfriend gave me the best birthday ever, then promptly broke up with me at midnight to get back with his ex, because he "didn't want to ruin my special day." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML

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By Tj Hunt - United States

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

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By BudmaudeY - Sweden

Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

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By anon_1996 - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, my boss asked me to read through a document. I gave my feedback, saying it seemed like it had been written by an 8-year-old. Turns out it was in fact written by him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt... into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

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By okaykk

Thanks babe...

Today, after having hardly any sleep the whole weekend, I was woken up at 3:30 am by the sound of running water. I opened my eyes to find my fiancé peeing in my favorite water bottle. FML

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By Dump Tump

Today, my flute broke. I have an exam coming tomorrow and all repair shops are closed. I guess I’ll have to lose £150. FML

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By Blamethepostman

Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML

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By shellie - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

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By confiancedecrise

Today, I was texting a girl I was interested in and we exchanged Instagram names. She ghosted me right after. She's the fourth girl to have done this to me in the past month. I guess I'm unattractive, but at least I'm good at texting. FML

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By Punphmelch - Australia - Adelaide

Today, no matter how many toys and teddies she has, and no matter how much I punish her, I am most likely never going to be able to break my 10-week-old puppy's habit of stealing my underwear. She doesn't eat them or even chew on them. She steals them to sleep with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's the 3 month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

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By reasonablysingle - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I'm taking care of my 12-year-old daughter because my ex-wife thought she could cure our daughter's lactose intolerance by sneaking milk into her soy breakfast. The milk had expired. FML

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By Fillifilo - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Caldwell

Today, I realized how nice it was that, after moving into my ground-floor apartment, I no longer have to worry about being too loud walking on the floor at night. Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbors do not have any qualms about shouting or stomping their feet loudly at night, either. FML

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By Carrie - 4/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Birmingham

Obsession by Calvin Klein

Today, I was at a party with my crush, but I didn’t talk to him. After, I walked out to my car, and saw a dent in my car. I then noticed that the dent was exactly the size of my crush’s head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

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By lovesucks - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML

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By bushburn - 1/6/2020 02:00

Pubes of steel

Today, I had to finally give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either he at least trims his giant mass of unruly pubes or no more sex. I feel I have no choice since his huge bush has left friction burns on my face and down below. He doesn’t see the problem. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML

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By StillTooYoung - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

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By -1 friend - United States - Freeport

Today, I was in a big Skype chat, which somehow turned into a heated argument. My friend lost it, typed "your stupid" and called me a "looser." When I pointed out the irony of his messages, he rage-quit, drove all the way to my house, and punched me in the face at the door. FML

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By alone - China

Today, I was sent home from work early because of structural issues. I walked in on my unemployed boyfriend cuddling another woman on the couch. When I confronted them, he freaked out and kept trying to convince me that I was dreaming. I don't know what I ever saw in this loser. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7949221 - Monday 2 November 2020 5:27

You don't joke about veganism.

They don't have a real good sense of humor. Maybe I'll die earlier from all the hamburgers I eat, but I'll have a lot of laughs until then.

By Nemesis_1148437476 | 8

#7949246 - Monday 2 November 2020 8:46

Did your boyfriend know about the joke? No? Then its your fault for putting him in that spot

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7949221 - Monday 2 November 2020 5:27

You don't joke about veganism.

They don't have a real good sense of humor. Maybe I'll die earlier from all the hamburgers I eat, but I'll have a lot of laughs until then.

By Nemesis_1148437476 | 8

#7949246 - Monday 2 November 2020 8:46

Did your boyfriend know about the joke? No? Then its your fault for putting him in that spot

Reply

rotflqtms_ | 18

#7960742 - Tuesday 29 December 2020 5:56

He shouldn't have called his girlfriend's mom stupid. Does he really think he's showing respect by calling the mother of his girlfriend stupid? Call my mom stupid, especially to her face and we are done. Don't disrespect my mom, especially not to her FACE! Nope, that woman gave me life and THEN SOME! Bye Felicia!!! 👋

By Brightside86 | 23

#7949319 - Monday 2 November 2020 16:59

I bet he was actually upset about something else. Dumb thing to get upset about truth or not.