Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML
Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML
Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML
Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML
Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML
Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd been going to for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML
Today, my wife, who has a drinking problem, looked me straight in the eye as she poured herself a "water" bottle to enjoy while at work. FML
Today, my company was having a huge party so I went to work dressed in my best outfit. During lunch break, my boss said to me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML
Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I left my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Bonzer 2
"Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work..." YDI.
DocBastard 40
First you misspell "definitely", then you use "sneek", and then you go with "snook"? Really?? That's...I just...you... Can I just slap you?
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (161)
jgriff79 23
Obviously, nacho smartest idea.
Cats_And_Kitties 3
Punny.
ellytoad 13
A Doritos milkshake. That's one drunken exploit I haven't heard of before. Try to never use alcohol to enhance your creativity in the future. In your case, the results could be nasty.
Acaprice14 9
You don't have a job now do you?
TheDrifter 24
Sloppy drunk in the middle of the afternoon? I'll bet you're a great date, but I have some advice for you... don't accept that ride home from the guy driving the windowless van.
greenie213 23
The fact that something like a nacho cheese Doritos milkshake came from your drunken head is the saddest part of this FML.
Pandacupcakelove 26
whenever I'm hung over, I just stop being hung over and be awesome instead.
ohcheriecherie 20
LOL sounds more like you were stoned.
KingCeltic77 18
Be thankful you didn't get caught. YDI.
realeah 4
The most important question is "did you actually find the way back to YOUR house?" If it was someone else's house this FML takes on a whole new perspective.
Dcm210 19
milkshake idea sounds something like from Epic Meal Time.