Today, my crush finally asked me to homecoming. I told my best... - FML

By geekyteendisaster - 25/9/2018 07:30 - United States - Littleton

Today, my crush finally asked me to homecoming. I told my best friend, thinking she would be happy for me. Now we are in a big argument and she won't talk to me because I have a date and she doesn't. FML

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Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

A beautiful truck decoration

Lockdown is driving us down

By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 10:01 - United States

Today, after begging for over an hour, I had to pay my sister $20 to wax my back for me so my bra would stop painfully pulling at the hair I repulsively seem to be growing there. FML

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By Jeremy - 7/8/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said I remind her of her dad. FML

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By Reggie - 12/5/2017 12:00

Today, it was the first sunny spring day that I had off from work. I spent the morning making a picnic lunch and took my girlfriend to a beautiful spot overlooking the lake. I did not count on a bird flying by with perfect poop aim as soon as we spread out the food. FML

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By Nic - 17/11/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, after sleeping in, I finally sorted through a stack of mail I had been putting off and I found a Jury summons. Thinking it must be coming up soon, I checked the date, my appearance is scheduled for 7:45am on November 16th. Today is November 17th. FML

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By Proof-Reader - 15/12/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2012 16:53 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I found out that the piece of vacant land I purchased for $20,000 is illegal to build a house on, due to acreage restrictions. Thank you, realtor. FML

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By knolan - 20/7/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

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By sadfantasy - 31/3/2016 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML

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By brigitte - 27/6/2013 17:35 - France - Noyon

Today, I met my biological father for the first time. He seemed to be slightly intoxicated from the outset, and less than half an hour later, he had tried to intimidate me into "loaning" him several hundred euros for reasons he wouldn't tell me. So long, "dad". FML

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By notsohot - 25/8/2019 00:01

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's house with nothing under my coat but some sexy lingerie. He told me he was working on an assignment, and made me wait three hours before he'd have sex with me. FML

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By Anon. - 7/2/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

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By anonymous - 5/9/2012 13:51 - Australia - Mittagong

Today, I had to give a speech as part of my campaign for school captain. I was rather happy with it and so I told another candidate my speech. Apparently it was a good idea as minutes later that same candidate stole my entire speech, leaving me looking like a complete idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2012 11:37 - United States

Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML

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By stranded - 27/9/2010 05:56 - United States

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 04:24 - United States - Orlando

Today, I received a text saying, "I don't think we should be friends anymore. You're terribly depressing and you make everyone unhappy" followed by, "Oops, wrong person!" and then by, "Sorry, it really is for you". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 10:01 - Croatia - Zagreb

Targeted

Today, the neighbor's dog has been barking for over 5 hours. It is barking directly at my window. FML

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By Kate - 7/3/2009 18:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were out to eat. The waiter came and asked what we wanted. My boyfriend said he wanted a cheeseburger and I told the waiter I'd have the same. My boyfriend looked at me and said, "Are you sure you don't want a salad?" FML

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By Julie - 31/3/2009 01:43 - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

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By samikai523 - 18/4/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By allennn - 14/3/2010 14:56 - France

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

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By ConfusedDad - 29/12/2014 07:01 - United States

Today, I went to my bedroom for some alone time while my daughter watched TV. I didn't realize that my iPad was still connected to the Apple TV, until I hit play on some porn and heard a scream from the other room. FML

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By Mandy - 20/5/2011 04:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my grandfather, who is a retired Marine, has paid real money to buy ALL the Lady Gaga themed items for his farm in FarmVille. I don't know what's worse, that he did it, or that I'm jealous of not having that stuff. FML

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By Dude - 21/1/2010 11:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

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By GrannyAt22 - 22/6/2010 01:28 - Canada

Today, I had to buy a wrist brace for a repetitive strain injury. I got the injury because I was knitting too much. I'm 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2019 14:00

Et tu, Chandler?

Today, I found out that when my friends say they're too busy to hang out with me, what they really mean is that they're going to have an awesome pool party, and don't want me to come. The Instagram stories say it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2012 19:56 - United States - Ridgefield

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck, so I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

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By Broken Leg, Broken Job - 10/5/2018 01:30

Today, I was fired for not having a reliable mode of transportation. I’ve only had to take the bus recently because three days ago, my boss’s son was messing around in the parking garage, lost control, and totaled my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 12:00

Today, I asked my mom if she'd seen my financial calculator on my way out to an exam. She told me she'd tossed it in the donation pile that she'd taken to the Salvation Army this morning because it was "clutter." I needed it to take the exam, which is required to pass the class, to graduate next month. The only place to buy a replacement was closed. FML

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By Unfortunate - 8/10/2012 00:24 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

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By Speechless - 17/6/2016 08:12

Today, it's been a few days since I saw an ad advertising my job after being told about it by a telemarketer. When I asked my boss about it, she claimed things were fine, it was an old ad, not to worry. Now, I was actually fired for no valid reason. A telemarketer gave me more warning than they did. FML

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By Anon - 8/4/2016 22:28 - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

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By - 20/11/2019 18:00

Handjob

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

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By brokeasajoke - 1/11/2013 12:58 - United States - El Reno

Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

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By KMKWEEN - 16/2/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her "Looks like you are going to have a fun party" she then looks at me and says "My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

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By jeffnn - 24/12/2016 04:18 - United States - Melbourne

Today, while building a gingerbread house with my two kids, they thought it would be funny to pee on it while I wasn't looking. Nobody noticed until my wife ate one of the pee-covered gingerbread men. FML

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By itachi desu - 8/6/2018 20:30

Not so wise, eh?

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. While under the influence of the drugs, I tried to speak Japanese. Later, my Japanese roommate informed me that I was saying "I am a weasel" over and over again. FML

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By anonymous - 17/12/2013 05:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I discovered my mom has been using my credit card to buy everyone's Christmas presents. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

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By Closingwild - 21/7/2012 06:18 - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my sister, but they already knew each other from my sister's work. She's an exotic dancer. FML

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Top comments

By BeefyQueefy | 14

#7698968 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 17:19

Friends that don't share your happiness are not your friends

By tre tre | 5

#7698963 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 17:15

she probably also likes him

COMMENTS

By Mightytall | 35

#7698928 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 16:01

Tell your friend to keep repeating
„I’m mature.“
If she keeps holding her grudge, then good riddance... find a real friend.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7698954 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 16:49

Did she and you promise to go together? If you did, then keep your promises

By tre tre | 5

#7698963 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 17:15

she probably also likes him

By BeefyQueefy | 14

#7698968 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 17:19

Friends that don't share your happiness are not your friends

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7698980 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 17:35

Some friend. Sure I'd be disappointed if my friend had a date for homecoming and I didn't, but I wouldn't pull this bullshit on her.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7699027 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 19:39

are you sure she was actually your best friend

By MikuandKaito | 24

#7699126 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 22:54

Misery loves company.

By Deez_Knots | 10

#7699152 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 23:35

He can take u both

By Ki Ana | 8

#7699212 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 1:21

Very petty 🤦🏾‍♀️

By devi_916 | 39

#7699501 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 14:47

Jealousy is a bitch.