Today, my crush finally asked me to homecoming. I told my best... - FML

By geekyteendisaster - 25/9/2018 07:30 - United States - Littleton

Today, my crush finally asked me to homecoming. I told my best friend, thinking she would be happy for me. Now we are in a big argument and she won't talk to me because I have a date and she doesn't. FML

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You can't win sometimes

Compassion

Yappy neighborhood

By charlie - 10/5/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 23:46 - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

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By Gaz47 - 27/7/2018 19:00

Today, I was online dating and a girl from high school messaged me. Thinking she might have matured since we're now in our 40's, I messaged back. She then said it was a joke and that I'm still a desperate, pathetic nerd trying to score with the hottest girl in class. FML

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By omnomnom - 5/2/2011 00:29 - Canada

Today, I bought a pretty blue parakeet to keep my parrot company, and named her Sky. I went to work a few hours later. When I came home that night, I found my parrot dead. There wasn't a huge mess to clean, though; Sky had already eaten half of his corpse. FML

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By Motha - 9/4/2014 05:17 - United States - West Jordan

Today, my obsession with saying "your mom" reached a new level when my anatomy teacher asked what I did with my pencil. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 00:01 - United States

Don't let the bastards grind you down

Today, I heard a radio ad for the new anti-bullying efforts at a local middle school. The speaker in the ad was the school counselor… who was also my bully in high school. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 04:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 18:33 - United States

Today, my psycho mom walked in while I was chilling and having fun with some friends. She kicked them out and now wants to drug test me, because "Nobody's that happy without drugs". FML

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By Jessica S. - 6/9/2012 11:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that the mysterious and creepy weirdo guy that continuously sends me messages on Facebook is my manager at my new job. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2012 20:41 - United States

Today, my 8-year-old niece corrected my spelling via text message. FML

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By Idktbh - 18/11/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, when I finished helping a customer, she said, “Thanks cutie!” When I thanked her she giggled and said, “I just like making people smile, plus I bet you don’t get called that often!” FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 05:34 - Canada

Today, I searched for free parking near my work for 30 minutes, trying to avoid paying $12 at a pay lot. I scored a spot, but 1 mile away from the office. I trekked through rain, cold, and got to work late. It was a long hard day, crawled back to my car, and had a $30 ticket on my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2015 10:57 - Ukraine - Donetsk

Today, my car went missing. My sister constantly asks to borrow it, so I called her and asked if she had it. She swore blind that she didn't, so I called the cops and reported it stolen. They soon caught her driving the stolen vehicle. She blames me and is now telling everyone I set her up to be arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, I told my mom that I was taking antidepressants because I hate myself. She said "That's not surprising. You hate everybody. And, you're kind of a bitch." FML

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By WHOO HOO AIDS - 1/6/2013 18:52 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I realised half my underpants were missing. In related news, my slob of a housemate hasn't washed hers in several weeks, and has been stealing mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 04:32 - United States

Today, I decided to sleep in for 5 extra minutes. Those 5 extra minutes became 55 minutes, which, coincidentally, was roughly the length of the midterm I missed. FML

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By DeannaMarie - 26/12/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

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By Ted, E. Vic - 1/5/2016 05:39 - United States

Today, my roommate admitted he spent his half of the rent money on a tattoo. It's all good though, we're just gonna get evicted. FML

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By SinkyBalls - 30/8/2011 03:56 - Canada

Today, I found out my roommate thinks the sink is an appropriate place to wash his junk. FML

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By marmarr - 15/5/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said "turn around" it was her. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 9/5/2015 15:53 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I emotionally confessed to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat it several times. He ended up telling me no. FML

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By coop42 - 15/1/2014 19:22 - United States - Hortonville

Today, my boyfriend was playing with my hair, when his hand got caught. He ended up ripping out a handful of hair trying to get it free. FML

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By poorgary - 18/12/2008 11:46 - France

Today, it's my birthday. It's 6.30 pm. I'm still the only person aware of what day it is. FML

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By poor baby - 12/6/2015 16:51 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick our son up from daycare. His excuse? Fighting in a battle in World of Warcraft was far more important and he had to stay absolutely focused. Our son had to wait for two hours. FML

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By Kurda - 23/5/2015 02:26 - United States - Wallburg

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2014 21:51 - United States - Lemont

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

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By Jake - 28/9/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML

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By funnyguyNOT - 5/4/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML

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By Sheggie - 30/1/2010 05:06 - Australia

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 mins and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say "oh cool". FML

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By Noname - 22/1/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. I was up all night. They decided to make it up to each other. They kept me up all night again. FML

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By Daughter of the year - 11/3/2015 00:19 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 05:07 - Canada - Port Hardy

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

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By My eyes were on the prize - 12/3/2017 00:00

Today, at work, the most handsome guy walked in. Starstruck, I went to greet him and then take him to the owner's office, only to promptly walk really hard into the corner of the door frame, smacking my forehead. I have a massive bruise and my boss won't stop laughing. FML

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By confused - 27/2/2015 03:07 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because we got into a fight over what color that confusing black and blue and white and gold dress was. FML

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By shouldhaveknown - 26/6/2009 14:22 - Australia

Today, I finally thought that my mother was okay with me being a lesbian. Then, over dinner, she turns to me and says "So, do you still think you like girls, or are you going to start being normal again?" FML

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By a.baybay - 7/1/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2017 10:00 - United States - Medina

Today, the toilet in the IT department basement broke and flooded the room with a foot of water. In the process, it destroyed a $7000 server and an equally expensive power supply. FML

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By Nicole - 20/2/2012 01:14 - United States

Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML

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By trustyourfamily - 14/9/2015 22:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss bragged to a coworker, in front of me, about how much money he saved on a project because he majorly underpays me. My boss is my dad. FML

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By NotInMiddleSchool - 20/11/2009 17:24 - United States

Today, as I was yelled at by a middle school teacher in front of 30 6th graders for breaking the rule of "no cell phones in school." Luckily, I escaped being sent to the office after explaining I'm a 21 year old college student doing student teaching observations, not a middle schooler. FML

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Top comments

By BeefyQueefy | 12

#7698968 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 17:19

Friends that don't share your happiness are not your friends

By tre tre | 5

#7698963 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 17:15

she probably also likes him

Comments

By Mightytall | 35

#7698928 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 16:01

Tell your friend to keep repeating
„I’m mature.“
If she keeps holding her grudge, then good riddance... find a real friend.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7698954 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 16:49

Did she and you promise to go together? If you did, then keep your promises

By tre tre | 5

#7698963 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 17:15

she probably also likes him

By BeefyQueefy | 12

#7698968 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 17:19

Friends that don't share your happiness are not your friends

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7698980 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 17:35

Some friend. Sure I'd be disappointed if my friend had a date for homecoming and I didn't, but I wouldn't pull this bullshit on her.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7699027 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 19:39

are you sure she was actually your best friend

By MikuandKaito | 24

#7699126 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 22:54

Misery loves company.

By Deez_Knots | 10

#7699152 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 23:35

He can take u both

By Ki Ana | 8

#7699212 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 1:21

Very petty 🤦🏾‍♀️

By devi_916 | 39

#7699501 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 14:47

Jealousy is a bitch.