By kate9871 - 4/10/2019 02:00

Mr. Nice Guy

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

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Mr Sensitivity

QAnon weirdoes

Risky business

By Daughter of a Dork - 14/9/2018 17:30 - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

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By my arms hurt - 25/11/2019 20:00 - United States - San Diego

Phone holder

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

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By Silentshdw13 - 14/3/2016 23:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, after moving back in with my parents, I found out they had held on to a chunk of mail still being sent during the time I had been changing my old address. Included was a summons to jury duty. FML

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By NoSleep - 26/9/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, I had my first day off in weeks. I was excited about getting to sleep in, until my boss called me at 6:30 in the morning to remind me I didn't have to come into work. Thanks. FML

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By liquidknight - 10/9/2012 12:48 - United States

Today, while trying to change my visiting cousin's opinion about our state being "redneck and white trash", we stumbled upon a proposal/celebration in a Walmart. So much for changing her opinion. FML

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By anonymous - 17/9/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I had leg surgery. While I was recovering in the hospital, my boyfriend dumped me. I then had to ride home, a 2 hour drive, listening to my mother and aunt tell me he was the best thing to happen to me and I will never find a better man. Then the morphine wore off. FML

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By MikeyPeters - 13/3/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I was using the elliptical when I got a bad wedgie. All the ellipticals are up against a wall so after trying to pick it I finally decided to just pull down the back of my pants and underwear. I then remembered there was a window to a yoga class behind me. I mooned them all. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2014 18:49 - United States

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

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By KittyKat168 - 9/9/2016 09:34 - Germany

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

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By lifesmells - 27/6/2009 00:29 - Canada

Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over your kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing my boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML

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By bdavis - 10/3/2010 06:11 - Canada

Today, I was using a power drill to take down the set for the musical we just finished. My long hair got caught in the drill, got ripped out and now I have a hurting, bleeding bald spot the size of 2 quarters. FML

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By Cristie - 30/9/2011 05:01 - Canada

Today, as I was training a new guy at work, my husband spent half the day creeping outside in his truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2014 23:49 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML

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By cfaul001 - 29/2/2012 17:41 - United States

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

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By sadsexer23 - 16/2/2010 03:10 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

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By Henji - 10/12/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Nor did she want to lose her new necklace. Today, I got a $200 hug. FML

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By tooflufoschool - 14/10/2009 13:00 - United States

Today, I was in bed sick from pneumonia. I asked my boyfriend to nuke a can of soup for me. He said "in a sec, let me finish this game" and continued to play on his Xbox for an hour. Starving, I crawled out to make soup. When I sat down to eat, he paused the game and asked "you didn't make me any?" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 23:00

Yummy

Today, I decided to have some bagels. It was only after I ate them that I looked at the cream cheese and discovered that it expired 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2019 22:00

Today, on the bus, a man in his late 30s sat next to me. After a moment, he turned to me and said with a wink, "You must be ovulating, I can smell your vagina." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2011 21:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss called me into his office and bitched me out for a good half hour for my attitude to our customers. Apparently I always look pissed off and sound sarcastic. That's just my face at rest. FML

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By drewig - 10/5/2010 05:28 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I was pulled over by a cop. She asked why I was being pulled over and figuring she knew I said, "For swerving because of my alcohol problem." I had a broken tail light. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2019 06:01

Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML

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By fail - 26/4/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I worked a car wash as a fundraiser. Being nice I figured I'd bring my car, get it washed, and donate some money. When it was my car's turn to be washed, everyone was conveniently busy washing other cars. My car was in front and needed to be washed and moved. I paid $10 to wash my own car. FML

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By The hopeful - 26/12/2016 08:29

Today, my ex-boyfriend called me. I was really excited, thinking he wanted to get back together. He just wanted to get back the Christmas present he gave me before we broke up so that he could return it for cash. FML

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By CallMeMrFunny - 22/12/2016 18:27

Today, I mentioned to my parents that Sunday is going to be awesome because it's Christmas. They responded with "Wait, this Sunday? In 3 days?!" Apparently they forgot. FML

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By SaveMeTeddy - 16/10/2013 18:48 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, after weeks of allowing my parents to borrow money, I got a check for $2000. I took it to the bank only to find out it was fake. FML

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By Pop_Pies - 3/9/2009 13:27 - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 14:01

Living a lie

Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

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By fappy dog - 23/1/2014 21:06 - United States - Granite City

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

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By DesDri - 20/6/2009 07:37 - Canada

Today, I drove a drunk Venezuelan exchange student home after a prom party. Notable events: her puking on the way to the vehicle, her yelling in Spanish at the top of her lungs in the car, her puking out the window in the moving vehicle, and her crying because she felt bad for making me drive. FML

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By Worried - 16/4/2011 10:59 - Australia

Today, my wife and I were planning our nursery for our future child. She said that we'd be painting it pink either way. I asked what would happen if we had a boy. She said "Oh, he'll be gay" with a menacing glare. I'm worried. FML

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By Phil - 30/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Plain City

Today, I was driving slightly off road for work to clean a well. I didn't want to get my boots muddy by walking the last 20 ft through mud, so I tried to drive through. I spent the next four hours on hands and knees digging my way out. FML

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By lowlife123 - 1/5/2012 03:01 - United States - Manawa

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

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By TheLostCauseFML - 25/10/2017 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

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By FML - 5/10/2014 23:30 - United States - Houston

Today, I got robbed. I just moved so I didn't have much in my new house. They did decide that my cat was valuable enough to steal. FML

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By Richocet - 18/5/2009 00:35 - Canada

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By badsinger - 4/6/2010 09:38 - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

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By jessi - 2/12/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, I told my son he couldn't have a toy. He threw a fit, looked me in the eye, and screamed, "Daddy's right! You are a bitch!" The whole store was watching. FML

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By Foot In Mouth - 13/7/2016 02:46 - United States - Bentonville

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

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Top comments

By siggy_mcsigx | 22

#7848386 - Friday 4 October 2019 3:01

Girl. Is this the life you want?

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7848384 - Friday 4 October 2019 2:47

Tell him youre too shook and he has to make his own dinner tonight. He a grown ass man im assuming so he should probably act like one

COMMENTS

By samuelwong | 7

#7848380 - Friday 4 October 2019 2:09

Dump him

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7848384 - Friday 4 October 2019 2:47

Tell him youre too shook and he has to make his own dinner tonight. He a grown ass man im assuming so he should probably act like one

By siggy_mcsigx | 22

#7848386 - Friday 4 October 2019 3:01

Girl. Is this the life you want?

By tounces7 | 27

#7848397 - Friday 4 October 2019 4:44

Regardless of your uncaring boyfriend, you're supposed to get checked out in the hospital after an accident.

By jellenwood | 34

#7848400 - Friday 4 October 2019 4:55

Go to the hospital and don’t worry about the medical bills!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7848420 - Friday 4 October 2019 7:08

You *think* you have whiplash -- he *knows* he is hungry.

Certainty trumps possibility.

Reply

Beth Baskett | 12

#7848608 - Friday 4 October 2019 21:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

leximichelle | 13

#7848645 - Saturday 5 October 2019 2:21

I’ve seen him leave a few genuinely kind comments. You just don’t share sense of humor, and nothing is wrong with that. But it’s far more MEAN to call an absolute stranger on the internet a piece of shit over a joke you didn’t like. Grow a pair or grow up.

By cardin06 | 15

#7848473 - Friday 4 October 2019 9:51

And you’re on your phone writing about it on FML instead of seeking medical attention?

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7848508 - Friday 4 October 2019 12:55

maybe before you started dating make sure he didn't rely on women to do everything for him, you're letting him treat you like a slave, way to go slave!

By bullsonyourface | 20

#7848561 - Friday 4 October 2019 16:46

he should be the one making you dinner tonight, Jesus what a turd

By Beth Baskett | 12

#7848607 - Friday 4 October 2019 21:51

Honey, leave his ass. He's a POS, and you deserve better. Go to the damned hospital, too!