By kate9871

Mr. Nice Guy

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

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Trip Advisor says no

Workaholic

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By broke - Canada

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

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By MI3 - United States - Oakland

Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML

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By Anonymous

Nature calls

Today, I had to use a drop hole toilet while camping. The smell will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

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By confused - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML

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By notmydad. - Philippines

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

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By Ben - 12/11/2020 19:06 - United Kingdom

You learn something new every day

Today, I woke up with a boner and found out that I have retrograde ejaculation. I'm stuck in jail and cant get medication to fix this. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test saying "well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

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By Claire - 17/12/2020 17:01

The real me

Today, I finally told my parents I'm trans. My dad started crying and told me he loved me no matter what. My mother threw a chair at me, and told my dad it was his "wife-like" behaviour that made me this way. She then prayed out loud for an hour for God to send her a real husband and son. FML

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By danjoylovefun - United States

Today, I woke up to shit on my floor and my cat hiding under my comforter. I have to get rid of my new fish because my cat is afraid of it. FML

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By thathurt - United States

Today, my college economics class had a big test. We all needed a scantron sheet, but some people forgot some. I had an extra one and this really hot girl offered to buy it for $1.00. I said I'd give it to her for her number. She looked around and asked "Does anyone else have an extra?" FML

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By shuffling man

YDI Fosho

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to try anal, praise the lord hallelujah. As we were getting into position, she let out a rancid fart she'd been saving for my face. Apparently it was revenge for me seeing Mamma Mia 2 without her while she was at work yesterday. FML

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By dogdays - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I left my dog alone while I went to work, like usual. He usually hangs out in the big bay window that faces the street. Today he decided to steal my vibrator and chew it while sitting in the window. I can only imagine how many people walked by and saw it. FML

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By FMyJob - Australia - Ashfield

Today, despite having my 5-day-leave approved 2 months ago, my boss demanded I return to work in the middle of it. Why? She wants to go on a vacation and no one else is available at such short notice. FML

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By amanda_ae_erin - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me in a text message. Then I found out from a mutual friend that he "came out" and told everyone at our school that he is gay. He has known he was gay for years and he was just using me as a cover up. What a great way to start my senior year. FML

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By obtuse_ballsack - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

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By violatedinden - United States

Today, my next door neighbor told me that he liked the carpet in my bedroom. I live alone. He's never been in my bedroom. FML

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By Tj Hunt - United States

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my dad stood by and nodded in agreement as my sister told me that my clinical depression is "getting REALLY old." FML

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By Eric - 14/3/2020 06:05

Shut up and take it

Today my college professor told me that I ask him too many questions. Apparently, my college tuition fee doesn't include learning. FML

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By catlover - China

Today, our new cat, which my mum was hesitant about letting us keep because she believes they're diseased, gave us all ringworm. FML

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By Omegared - United States

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Royersford

Today, I got locked out of my house. After trying unsuccessfully to jimmy the lock, I managed to climb in through the kitchen window. I soon found out I had an effect on the door after all; it won't open at all any more, even with the right key. FML

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By unlucky - United States - Wheeling

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

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By Xerfox - Germany - Neckarsulm

Today, I flew to Germany to meet up with a girl that I met in America 5 months ago and fell in love with. We've been talking every day for 5 months straight. I get here just for her to tell me that she likes me "like a brother". FML

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By Crispy - United States

Today, my girlfriend talked me into tanning in a tanning bed for the first time ever. I have never tanned before and didn't know you are supposed to ease into it. I tanned for 15 minutes in the "super bed" and have lobstered. My ass and nuts got the worst of it. FML

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By jeeperspeepers - United States

Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML

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By Jeathrow - United States

Today, after recently moving to an apartment, we've already been asked if we wanted to buy drugs, had a children's chair thrown through the front window, our door painted with "CUNT LICKER" and my laundry stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

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By foreverafatty - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

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By Char-azard - New Zealand - Napier

Today, my father bought a pair of fancy noise cancelling headphones. He doesn't realise that the noise cancelling function only slightly muffles the moaning and screaming in the porn he's watching. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and ended up throwing up as soon as I got home. My mother's first question was an accusatory, "What have you been drinking?" I was returning from the AA meeting I have been attending for over a month. I go because I'm afraid I'll become an alcoholic like her. FML

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By dumbass

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

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By

No thanks

Today, I ask the guy that I like if he want to go to lunch tomorrow at a local restaurant. He answer that he doesn't like their food. I think that's is a no. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Mierlo

Today, my drunk dad decided to wake me up by lobbing our cat directly into my now-mauled face. FML

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By ThatHurts - Canada

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By I wish it was gum

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

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By hunnybaby0319 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

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Top comments

By siggy_mcsigx | 22

#7848386 - Friday 4 October 2019 3:01

Girl. Is this the life you want?

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7848384 - Friday 4 October 2019 2:47

Tell him youre too shook and he has to make his own dinner tonight. He a grown ass man im assuming so he should probably act like one

COMMENTS

By samuelwong | 7

#7848380 - Friday 4 October 2019 2:09

Dump him

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7848384 - Friday 4 October 2019 2:47

Tell him youre too shook and he has to make his own dinner tonight. He a grown ass man im assuming so he should probably act like one

By siggy_mcsigx | 22

#7848386 - Friday 4 October 2019 3:01

Girl. Is this the life you want?

By tounces7 | 27

#7848397 - Friday 4 October 2019 4:44

Regardless of your uncaring boyfriend, you're supposed to get checked out in the hospital after an accident.

By jellenwood | 34

#7848400 - Friday 4 October 2019 4:55

Go to the hospital and don’t worry about the medical bills!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7848420 - Friday 4 October 2019 7:08

You *think* you have whiplash -- he *knows* he is hungry.

Certainty trumps possibility.

Reply

Beth Baskett | 12

#7848608 - Friday 4 October 2019 21:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

leximichelle | 13

#7848645 - Saturday 5 October 2019 2:21

I’ve seen him leave a few genuinely kind comments. You just don’t share sense of humor, and nothing is wrong with that. But it’s far more MEAN to call an absolute stranger on the internet a piece of shit over a joke you didn’t like. Grow a pair or grow up.

By cardin06 | 15

#7848473 - Friday 4 October 2019 9:51

And you’re on your phone writing about it on FML instead of seeking medical attention?

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7848508 - Friday 4 October 2019 12:55

maybe before you started dating make sure he didn't rely on women to do everything for him, you're letting him treat you like a slave, way to go slave!

By bullsonyourface | 20

#7848561 - Friday 4 October 2019 16:46

he should be the one making you dinner tonight, Jesus what a turd

By Beth Baskett | 12

#7848607 - Friday 4 October 2019 21:51

Honey, leave his ass. He's a POS, and you deserve better. Go to the damned hospital, too!