By kate9871 - 4/10/2019 02:00

Mr. Nice Guy

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

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Time don't heal nothing

Age ain't nothing but a number

Fairytale ending

By Anonymous - 24/7/2014 09:05 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

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By Collin - 10/6/2010 19:59 - United States

Today, I was at a public pool. A very fat kid yelled, "Cannon Ball!" He jumped right on me. FML

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By angelisa - 21/11/2015 14:54 - United States - Yuba City

Today, I finally felt ready to lose my virginity with my boyfriend. Unfortunately he was too embarrassed to go and buy some condoms, and suggested in all seriousness that we use a sandwich bag instead. FML

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By bobafett892 - 2/10/2016 17:32 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

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By Addigirl - 25/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I ordered pick-up from a restaurant I really like. It was pouring, so instead of taking the long way across the pedestrian walk, I ran through a grass-covered area and tripped on tree roots. I was right in front of the restaurant, so everybody saw me. FML

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By Charles Pennington - 22/11/2011 11:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

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By Mrs. Awkward - 15/10/2018 12:00

Today, I helped an older guy with his safe deposit box. He said it's perfect for holding his ex-wife's remains and laughed. I laughed because I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. FML

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By wmkaz - 21/4/2012 06:15 - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, I am six months pregnant and have been lactating. When I noticed this and pointed it out to my husband, I jokingly stated that I felt like a cow. He then replied. "Oh, you're not a cow. At most you're just a fat pig." He still has no clue why I'm upset. FML

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By Courts - 28/2/2017 21:30 - Australia - Adelaide

Evil

Today, I had a shift as a carer in a high-rise disability home, and working with a lady whom was once a midwife. She had a toy baby, and was rocking it. When I asked her what she was going to do what the baby so she could come to lunch, she casually threw the baby off the balcony and shrugged. FML

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By Julianapilikusplatosophophes - 11/7/2015 03:49 - Australia - Kew

Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 09:03

That escalated badly

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2010 06:37 - United States

Today, I got an allergic reaction to Nair. It was so bad I had to have my girlfriend take me to the hospital at 2am. Where was the allergic reaction? On my nuts. FML

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By Whywhywhy - 20/8/2017 13:01

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

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By sad associate - 19/12/2016 01:51 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

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By Juanna - 13/1/2010 08:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. We were walking in the park and I noticed a funny smell. I looked down and realized I stepped in dog crap. I tried to nonchalantly rub it off on the grass, but instead hit a patch of wet grass and slipped onto my butt, right into a pile of goose poop. FML

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By DantesInfernalRage - 12/9/2017 13:00

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2016 06:59 - United States - Atwater

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

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By sexychica - 21/7/2009 17:45 - United States

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 00:46 - United Kingdom

Today, after a very heartfelt conversation with my mother, I promised her that I'd quit smoking. I walked in on her smoking my cigarettes an hour later. Her excuse was that she didn't want my money to have gone to waste. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2012 20:25 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

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By facepalm - 18/11/2015 15:42 - United States

Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML

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By olive_costume - 5/12/2009 01:16 - Australia

Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister, "Good one, Ellen!" I picked up the snake to take it to show her. The snake started moving in my hands and bit me. I had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Kallian - 25/11/2019 03:00 - Australia - Sydney

What happened?

Today, I walked home and found a massive branch had fallen into my parking space. My first thought, "Thank God my car wasn't hit!" My second thought, "Where's my car?" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2012 06:13 - United States - Houston

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

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By wowdadreally - 23/12/2014 20:46 - United States - College Station

Today, while shopping with my father, I had to use the restroom. As soon as I opened the door to the men's room, my father yelled that it was the ladies' room. I then turned around and went through the other door, where I ended up getting bitch-slapped. FML

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By PUA - 15/3/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

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By suspended - 31/7/2016 15:39 - United States - Grand Blanc

Today, I had to give an important presentation, so I checked it over one last time before taking a shower and heading out. I found out too late that my brother used that window of opportunity to replace the entire document with the N-word repeating over and over again. FML

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By GladYoureConcerned - 30/12/2015 18:15 - United States - Glendale

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

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By gumless - 2/5/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn't whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2018 12:30 - United States - Missoula

Today, I found out that I was misdiagnosed with ADHD 10 years ago and instead have bipolar disorder. For the last 10 years I have been taking meds that helped me focus on my manic / depressive state. FML

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By Nick - 5/6/2016 21:59

Today, I was swimming in a public pool, and I felt a tug on my swimming trunks. It was my grandma snorkeling. FML

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By noname - 3/1/2009 03:26 - France

Today, when I came home, my daughter's baby-sitter was busy smelling my thongs. FML

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By emancipate my ass - 24/7/2016 04:02

Today, I had to listen from the next room as my dad cheated on his girlfriend with his married boss. He's 57, looks like a troll, and doesn't smell much better than one either. Meanwhile I'm 24 and couldn't get laid, much less get a date, if my life depended on it. FML

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By trickortreat - 1/11/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, while up in my room getting ready to go out, I thought I heard some trick or treaters knocking on the door. I ignored them because I didn't have any candy. The knocking got louder and longer. I walked downstairs, and noticed that the living room ceiling was falling down onto the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2013 23:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

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By diva467 - 3/10/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML

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By postop - 26/6/2015 03:06 - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I woke up to my mother telling me to sit up and get dressed because we had to go before it was too late. I just woke up from surgery. She didn't want to be stuck in traffic. FML

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By vbscb - 7/10/2009 10:42 - Australia

Today, I was babysitting my niece when we decided to play hide and seek. I went in the shed, and waited. After waiting a while, I went to go back inside to see what was happening. I saw my niece had locked all the doors and was eating cookies on the kitchen bench. FML

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By Torvaltz - 7/8/2016 08:31 - United States - Clinton

Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML

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By lonely - 1/8/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, my dad brought me home after I was in the hospital for a week. He gets me to my room, hands me a glass of water and some granola bars, then leaves me on my own so he can go play golf. FML

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Top comments

By siggy_mcsigx | 22

#7848386 - Friday 4 October 2019 3:01

Girl. Is this the life you want?

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7848384 - Friday 4 October 2019 2:47

Tell him youre too shook and he has to make his own dinner tonight. He a grown ass man im assuming so he should probably act like one

Comments

By samuelwong | 7

#7848380 - Friday 4 October 2019 2:09

Dump him

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7848384 - Friday 4 October 2019 2:47

Tell him youre too shook and he has to make his own dinner tonight. He a grown ass man im assuming so he should probably act like one

By siggy_mcsigx | 22

#7848386 - Friday 4 October 2019 3:01

Girl. Is this the life you want?

By tounces7 | 26

#7848397 - Friday 4 October 2019 4:44

Regardless of your uncaring boyfriend, you're supposed to get checked out in the hospital after an accident.

By jellenwood | 34

#7848400 - Friday 4 October 2019 4:55

Go to the hospital and don’t worry about the medical bills!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7848420 - Friday 4 October 2019 7:08

You *think* you have whiplash -- he *knows* he is hungry.

Certainty trumps possibility.

Reply

Beth Baskett | 12

#7848608 - Friday 4 October 2019 21:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

leximichelle | 12

#7848645 - Saturday 5 October 2019 2:21

I’ve seen him leave a few genuinely kind comments. You just don’t share sense of humor, and nothing is wrong with that. But it’s far more MEAN to call an absolute stranger on the internet a piece of shit over a joke you didn’t like. Grow a pair or grow up.

By cardin06 | 15

#7848473 - Friday 4 October 2019 9:51

And you’re on your phone writing about it on FML instead of seeking medical attention?

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7848508 - Friday 4 October 2019 12:55

maybe before you started dating make sure he didn't rely on women to do everything for him, you're letting him treat you like a slave, way to go slave!

By bullsonyourface | 20

#7848561 - Friday 4 October 2019 16:46

he should be the one making you dinner tonight, Jesus what a turd

By Beth Baskett | 12

#7848607 - Friday 4 October 2019 21:51

Honey, leave his ass. He's a POS, and you deserve better. Go to the damned hospital, too!